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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: what does it say on his shirt and where are all of us ladies who want a turn????

inquiring minds want to know..


silly: who's silly?

and dip: are you requesting some shock therapy is in order???

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 3:41 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: what does it say on his shirt and where are all of us ladies who want a turn????
It says... I LOVE Brooklin! The I is blacked out...You have that shirt too?

The women are at the back of the line.. Allgood goes first.

This kinda stuff is what lead us to be place on probation last time.. All here at the same time! Laura will be up soon too...lol

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:53 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have two requests. #1 is the shock therapy and #2 is that if you all do decide on the dominatrix outfits, please have someone take pictures. I think ats, tryn and Deep Purple would like to view those.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No dominatrix gear. Miracle is outta hand. Lol.

Camoflauge and combat boots. I think I might want a firearm, just in case too. Maybe some ammo things across my chest too.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awwww.... you've all left me to go lead productive lives.

Ok, I'm going too.

Night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the slapping line. Count me in....and thanks for the laugh.

I can't keep up with you guys but I wanted to say that I have been reading and reading and then I forget what I've read, can't remember shit and so I can't respond. Sorry!

Allgood - thank you for posting. A lot of what you write about your H, I relate and it hits home. They are so similar.

Laura - love the picture of the kangaroo rescue.

Nell - so glad your H is wanting to do fun things. Mine likes fun things too and I think the fun things is what has kept us going.

Honest - praying for you.

M3 - so glad baby paddy is progressing. Baby Paddy is the same age as my grandson.

Miracle - hugs to you...you are awesome.

Hugs to everyone else..you are all wonderful and so insightful and helpful.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
I'm so happy that baby Paddy is doing well!

Allgood-
I'm sorry that your husband did not sweep you up in his arms and tell you how much he loved and valued you and how he could not live without you!
That...is the dramatic speech that would have saved the day (or night).

In my opinion, he does feel that way...he does love you deeply and will not be happy living without you.

I think he is still in a fog...he has foggy, alcoholic, toxic thinking...
he is immature...he is the Peter Pan to your Wendy (so was my husband)...
he still thinks this will all blow over. And he will have his cake and eat it too...
he would like to have his wife and kids and his single lifestyle...
he doesn't want to commit to any of the hard work-IC,MC.

He has not hit bottom.

Maybe slapping him silly would be a solution....

It reminds me of that scene in 'Moonstruck' with Cher where she slaps Nicholas cage and says: "Snap out of it!".

Honest-
Having dealt with a BPD mother myself....you know what my thoughts are on the topic of having her move in.

BPDs are always so much nicer and so much more cooperative with strangers as opposed to their own children.

It is most likely in her own best interest to live in a facility where she can socialize and interract with others in a positive way...

You can visit her every day....



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. What I don't understand is why he cant act in a manner that would inspire trust/confidence that he is 100% with me. I'm talking basics, like avoid OW, don't lie about where you are. I understand the emotional intimacy and the lace of emotional support was never there & takes time to develop, but if I thought he was taking this seriously, I could be satisfied.

So, I've decided to stop trying to figure that out. I need some sort of foundation of trust and commitment. Love is not enough.

O - and Honest - what the Hell did I miss? (O - ok now I see it.) You cannot be seriously entertaining the possibility of having your mother move in are you?!? Just say no.
OMFG.
Really. When are you going to get a break?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:21 PM, January 14th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't think I could pull off the dominatrix look. I'll kick a$$ while wearing heels and a cocktail dress. Classy, no?

Yeah, I need to let WH do some of the work, find some research, read some books, make some suggestions. I was hoping he would but he avoids the hard stuff. Lets meet for lunch, see a movie, go to the theater, go out to dinner! Yay! Read this book that says I'm not perfection in pants? Boo. No, thanks.

Now, as far as hanging out goes, he is fun. If I were picking out a friend to do something with, he would be in the top 10.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
My husband didn't wake up until I was screaming in his face to get out of the house and never speak to me again!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in for the slapping line...but out for the dominatrix look. I'm more the camo w/bandoliers type girl. And we don't need to limit this to Mr. Allgood! I'm happy to have Mr. Strongish join the "party"...just not on my side of the line. He can line up right behind Mr. Allgood.

Had our MC #2 today. It was anticlimactic as we spent almost the entire session giving her our marital history. I have to say though that she is very subtle in how she asks a question, then makes sure that she gets both our impressions of certain events. When I would say some things I would see her turn and look directly at FWH. I'm sure she was doing the same to me but I didn't notice it. What that suggests to me is that she is very good at reading body language. In any case...no tears which was fine with me.

FWH and DS17 are both gone for the next two nights!! Just me and the dog! Woohoo! We're going to watch a girly movie tonight, sleep in and then go shopping tomorrow. Yay for me!

Tribe - I need some advice. So, last night I stayed upstairs to watch TV when FWH went to bed. (In answer to your question, yes I was avoiding him.) So, about 1/2 hour later I call down to DS17 to get off the computer and come to bed as he had exams this a.m. He comes stomping up the stairs and when I ask what's wrong he starts complaining about FWH. Now in some instances I would say this is normal....but not with this kid and not in this house. He has never outwardly complained to me about FWH before. DS was telling me that he couldn't wait for FWH to leave on his next trip and that things are so much easier when he's gone. I gotta tell ya, I was pretty shocked. This was something I had never heard DS say before and I don't know if I should be concerned that he said it or relieved that he felt comfortable talking to me about it. I turned off the TV and followed DS into his room to talk some more. I wanted to make sure that DS isn't trying to play us one against the other (he knows that we are having "problems") so I did not say anything negative about FWH to our DS. I told him that I know FWH can be frustrating sometimes, as I'm sure that I can, but that it's better to blow off steam than to let things get out of hand. DS then said that he was probably just tired and he tried over and over to say that he "didn't mean" what he said. I don't want to blow this out of proportion, but does it sound to you like DS is internalizing too much of the upheaval that's going on between FWH and I? I have tried to NOT show any major emotions/breakdowns in front of DS and although I would prefer that FWH and I not sleep in the same bed, I don't want DS to wake up and find us sleeping in different rooms. What I'm hoping is that some of you will tell me that this is completely normal for a 17 year old but to stay alert for more outbursts. Does that sound reasonable? BTW - we did have him talk to an IC twice last fall and DS said that it was very helpful.

Although this is a big, 17 year old boy, I still think he's fragile and want to protect him. I know that that's not always possible, or even preferable, but I really doubt my insights these days. (Wonder why??) Any advice is welcome.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Miracle said:

he is doing what is told begrudgingly, rebelling when he can, getting away with what he thinks he could and having that attitude..of "i cant do anything right, and i cannot fix this"...and with his i cannot fix this...he is not ready to call it a day so he does the bare minimum probably to protect his stupid self from being hurt

I think this is exactly it. I also think it is the case to varying degrees with most of our Ss. They did their evil deeds out of selfishness - they wanted their OWs but also wanted their families (otherwise they would have left!). Now their lives and spouses are totally different.

At times I'm sure we (BSs)unknowingly said things or behaved in ways during their As that perhaps made them wonder if we were suspicious. I'm sure this made them nervous, unsettled and probably irritable. I suspect in my case this was when my H was at his meanest. I learnt over the years to back off when he had a mean fit so he knew how to keep me in line. I'm sure that if I touched on something he didn't like or suggested doing something that interfered with his plans he used his mean side to keep me in line. There were so many times that I couldn't understand his crankiness. It seemed to come from nowhere and then blow over quickly at times or last for days at others. Maybe he had a fight with one of his OWs - Who knows. He also ignored my needs when he needed to or just because he could - and he got away with it because I wanted us to get on and so avoided conflict. If I didn't he'd end up yelling and I ended up crying. The last few years I was at my meekest. With my son very ill and with depression the last thing I wanted was more stress for him - so I backed off.

Now, yes they are sorry, no they won't do it again, yes they want to make us happy, yes they want to make it up to us ......but they have had years of having all they wanted. So I'm sure that to varying degrees they are all continuing with bad habits and only pulling themselves into gear when they have to. They have a lot of changing to do. For some it may be easier than others. Some will probably go well for a while and then backslide. Some (like your H) do not see this yet.

I bit my H's head off last night because he said something about he didn't want to "get into trouble" again. He used this expression a lot both before and after dday but much more recently. There is a suggestion there that he wants to do what he wants - even though he knows it's not in our best interests- and is trying to guage whether he can get away with it!! Whether my negative response will outweigh the benefits he see in what he wants. I HATE THIS It is like he is testing the waters. If he knows I won't like it why even start talking about it. Control I guess.

Anyway, unfortunately I think Mr Allgood is right at the starting line. He is still wanting you, his family, his life but saying - I want to also keep being selfish. I don't want to have to start accounting to you or making an effort. I think in his own dumb way he does still love and want you - but he's still trying to see just how much he can still get away with things.

Anyway, long ramble there and I'm not even sure if any of it made sense or was even different for what others have said. Just thinking out loud I suppose.
Good luck today honey!!!

I've run out of steam now. Will write again later

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

I have been up for ages - slaving away in the laundry and the kitchen.

Loved the butterfly and slapping line pics. The discussion of costumes was interesting. Can't decide where I stand on this. I look so much better since dday I would be tempted to go with the dom outfit

HONEST

Please don't even consider having your mum with you!

M3

I'm sure everything is going to be just fine with Baby Paddy. It really will honey.

AGNG

Camoflauge and combat boots. I think I might want a firearm, just in case too. Maybe some ammo things across my chest too.

Yep - appropriate since I guess we are at war - fighting for our Ms!!!!

Dip

Pics of us in the dom outfits would certainly get us sacked!!!


Gentlemen:

There has been no talk of grilling lately. What's going on???

Fun

I too "can't remember shit" so find it hard to respond. keep checking in though honey. Need to know you are ok.

Strong

I need to think more about your son but have a few first impressions. I am a high school teacher (for more than 30yrs)and have had lots to do with boys this age. I wonder if he knows more than you think and this is what is bothering him. Boys this age can sometimes be very reticent about discussing their fears. When my own son was diagnosed with Marfan and then experienced major depression he would not talk about his feelings at all. Still won't. It did (and still does) worry me sick. I don't want to worry you and it may be nothing. If it was me I would work on the assumption that he is very insecure for some reason and treat him accordingly. You can't go wrong that way and if he does have fears maybe he will open up.JMHO

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all...

Laura... beautiful pics of the butterflies. I have been seeing the floods on TV - thank you for sharing the news with us - you've all been very much in our thoughts and prayers.

Allgood - it certainly seems he has thrown the ball in your court. I can't help but feel this passive-agressive behavior is just to get you all riled up and to get you to do all the thinking and decision making about R. I am watching and learning a lot from you. I am admiring your ability to respond and not just react to him.

Hi Annie - we can vent about our rage stage together.

NJ -

I did this with my H. Actually, that's how I first confronted him about the affair. I needed it to be in a safe place, with a witness, a third party that could keep the discussion on track)

I would have loved to have had this opportunity - if only to see the look on my spouse's face. Priceless

Hello to the rest of the tribe. I am trying as always to catch up - been away a few days because I had to have an outpatient surgery on my lower left eyelid. Turns out a little bump on the lid was a basal cell skin cancer that had to be removed. I'm doing fine but be sure to wear your sunglasses - tell your kids and grandkids too.

Spouse has been wonderful and supportive and helpful. So much so -- I am kinda just looking at him in some disbelief. I'm not saying saying anything - perhaps this is part of the "new and improved" spouse. I'm trying to accept the good for what it is and be happy about it. And I have - for the most part.

However, I need advice on the bad part. Right after D Day, I went on the usual BS rampage/search through spouse's belongings. In plain sight- not hidden, was spouse's retirement card from his department. Inside it were some pictures of groups of people attending his retirement party - groups of people that included OW. I said nothing at the time or haven't since (though I did make copies of the pics for my "file" (sound familiar NJ??) I truly believe he didn't know or remember the pics were in there or he would have gotten rid of them in his panic right after getting "caught"

Well - I decide to look at the card again and - the card was there but the pics were gone.

Soooo... what should I do - confront? He certainly wasn't transparent about finding them but then again -neither was I in not telling him I knew about them. I have really felt that he has been working at R but now I have to say I find this disturbing to say the least. Crap!

What do y'all think? Confront or keep it under wraps for now?? I don't believe he has broken NC or anything but why not tell me? It still smacks of deceit after telling me he would be transparent. Double crap!

At least I didn't go ballastic on him. I am proud of me about that. I, too, am trying to respond and not just react. Not sure how I should respond to this though.

Well anyways -- hugs to all the tribe

BP


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: your son: first off since he said that when he went to ic he found it helpful...then sign him once again.....and it will be helpful i am sure in more ways then one...

as for whether or not this is normal...no one is going to know your son better then you....it could be or it could not be...and this is why ic would be most helpful, because obviously if its not normal he would be in the appropriate place for help...

the next time you have an opening, begin another dialogue...and this time ask him what precipitated his remarks...and then just listen....and when he is done, respond accordingly to whatever he confided to you...

i hate not knowing how much my boys know or don't know...and i hate that i cannot be inside their heads and know everything going on so that i could make it better...but i am learning that i cannot make everything better, the best i can do is to be there, to listen and be that soft place to fall when they need to fall....


as for sleeping in the same room....pfm and i sleep in the same room, but thankfully we have a chair and a half which has been his bed...and if we didn't have that chair and a half he would be using a sleeping bag......and i look forward to the day when i get the room to myself...unfortunately that day for me is a long long way off...

for you, i am hoping that mr strong does right and makes it back into your bed for 'everything' married...


laura:

I suspect in my case this was when my H was at his meanest. I learnt over the years to back off when he had a mean fit so he knew how to keep me in line. I'm sure that if I touched on something he didn't like or suggested doing something that interfered with his plans he used his mean side to keep me in line. There were so many times that I couldn't understand his crankiness. It seemed to come from nowhere and then blow over quickly at times or last for days at others

i have this freind who had a sich like ours, and she hit the nail on the head...they need to be mean, to justify their behavior...

another words...make you out to be the bad guy so that they feel better about doing what they did....

the flip side....everything projected at you was really about themselves...

each sich was one or the other....i was married to a very verbally, emotionally abusive man....and i now could see every instance was one or the other...

with one exception...and that was the nite i became a hole....he was mad at #1 for standing him up, so he came home and used me instead....

i will never be used again...not unless i got a whip..


nell:

he avoids the hard stuff.

most people do....sometimes one does not want to face it all..much easier to deny it and go about your business...

in all fairness...doesn't everyone want to have fun instead of talking about stuff that hurts...the problem for us is that we cannot forget it long enough at times to do that...it is always there like a fucking hemorroid....just when you think you got the damn thing under control...bam...it gets all blown up again and its a royal pain in the ass... ...seriously though...think about it..how many people do you know of that would rather sit down with someone and hear that person tell them everything that is wrong with them...even though they know they did wrong...to hear it over and over again....of course they don't get thats because for us it never goes away..

tryn: no worries about probation...unless of course we do don the dom outfit....although i think we are allowed since it would be one of us wearing it and not some other _______!!!.....


ooh had a thought...i wonder if could rig up a whip with a taser at the end...think of the possiblities...indiana jones eat your heart out....oh thats right...he did almost literally get his heart out in the temple of doom....(i think)


fun: your husband and allgood have been so much alike from the getgo...way back when the similarities between them were eerie...and they still are...

fun how is your husband....i remember his scare...i thought it scared him straight, that and something that happened with a neighbor.....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow- y'all were very busy last night - so much to respond to.

Fun: I wonder how you are doing. If I remember correctly you have a lot of support IRL about your marital woes (sounds much better that what it is, right?), so maybe you don't have the same need to let it all out here like I do, but I hope you are ok. I remember not so long ago, you were thinking of making a change after the holidays if you didn't start feeling happier. So, are you happier? What is going on with Mr. NoFun? (And, didn't he have a little NC breach when he was ill too? Like him fishing for OW's fb or something? I thought of that the other day as I had our little NC breach & I know you confronted him about it, but couldn't remember where it went from there.)

Broken Promise: as for the investigation. Tough call - but I'd say nothing. I've been in this position before, finding something the concerns me in his pants pocket - so you need to balance is it worth confronting and him learning exactly how thorough your investigation is. I would say in this instance - no. Photos of OW are gone. That is a good thing if he threw them out, a bad thing if he has relocated them to a safer place. I do not believe confronting him will give you the answer. Is he someone who is notstalgic? Would he want to save those photos because OW was in them? (If you find them again, maybe you should confiscate them and let him go nuts looking for them. Lol. Now, that's funny!)

As for me - no, Mr. Allgood knows the ball is in his court. He is honoring my terms of NC between us - no physical contact - although we had a little backsliding immediately after our talk & he asked to just hold me the day after before going to work & sent me a text in the am telling me that he will always love me and it seems he's resorting to a quick kiss before leaving work in the am - but that's it - no talking when we are apart other than emergencies. I am really calm & just focusing on me & the kids, while being perfectly cordial to him, but still not sharing anything about my life with him.

Laura: Thank you for your response, a lot of good points in there. Personally, I would like to see you and Mr. Laura upgrade your breeding from butterflies and ducks to kangaroos. They are just so cute, vicious or not!

Strongish: Of course we can include Mr. Strongish in the reception line! And, I love that you used the word "anti-climatic" to describe mc. That's just the right word to use sometimes. Lol. As for your son - Idk, my kids are too little, so I can't say from experience, but I do think it's of course a great sign that he feels comfortable telling you about this and I think instead of worry, ask if he wants to go to IC.

Alright. That's it for me.
Peace all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle and Allgood - H had his 3 month cancer check and all was clear. While he was in the hospital waiting for the doc to come and get him for his procedure, he said to me, "this is what I get for what I did." I said, and what does OW get? He said, "she will be alone for the rest of her life." That was the extent of that conversation as the nurse came for him.

Then, right after the holiday he had a breakdown when I was crying and told him I was very unhappy and that I was afraid I was going to die unhappy. He said I did not deserve what he did to me and that maybe I should leave him because he understood everytime I look at him, I am reminded of what he did. He started to cry and continued to cry for an hour and a half. This is from a man who I've never seen cry, only right after dday. The next day he called the IC and went to talk to him. He's still going to IC all on his own, which is from a man who used to say they were a waste of time and that they were quacks.

I feel he has finally started to see the damage and the pain he has caused. I think the problem with R is that I feel alone. I feel it's me that is giving and it's not that H doesn't want to give, he doesn't know how. I don't believe he knows what feelings and emotions are. He can't express himself which makes me feel like he doesn't care. He also has this macho thing going on and he believes that men aren't strong if they show or express their emotions. He also relies on sex to get close. He told me that is the only way he knows how to show his love for me. He has a hard time even saying "I love you".

Mr Nofun was fishing online for OW when he was sick. I confronted him and asked why and he said he didn't know why. I let it go and never went back there but I did tell him how I felt about it. It set me back. I didn't feel it was a battle big enough to fight over. After that I did install a key logger and there has been no fishing since.

I am happier today, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have noticed that my patience is totally shot with him. It's so hard.

Allgood, I can relate with what you are going through. It's very very frustrating and I do believe your H loves you very much and wants his family. If he's anything like my H, he probably didn't think he was doing anything wrong at the xmas party when he sat near OW. Because I know this is how my H thinks, I will not put up with him living "the single" life anymore. But I demanded this right from the get go. If he wanted the M, he had to give it up. So far, H has complied. The ball is in your H's court now and he has to figure out what he wants.

I still struggle, I still call H names under my breath, I still give him the bird when he goes out the door, I am still obsessed with hate for the OW but none of it is as bad as it was a few months ago. I think the kick boxing has helped because I kick and slap the shit out of H and OW three times a week and boy does it feel good!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: I'm glad that you are happier and that your H seems like he's starting to get it. I have seen my H cry (briefly tear up is probably more like it) right after he spoke at his father's funeral (he was just 20 at the time). No tears at DDay or since - all I've seen is him being pretty solemn right after DDay, when I found the secret phone and the day I confronted him about the photo. I too, struggle with their lack of ability to communicate/share emotion - I told my H that, just as you said- it appears that they don't care.
And, as far as my H sitting next to OW - extensive conversations were had about this damn party and even if it was his opinion that sitting next to her was harmless, he knew damn well that I didn't feel that way. (And, his story is that she approached him, he got up and walked away. If he approached her, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I was scrutinizing other pics to see if that was "her" table, to no avail.

Anyway, I am very, very happy to hear that you are doing better and he seems to be getting it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun: It's good to hear from you. I'm glad that your WH's cancer is better. With him crying like that, perhaps he is starting "to get" how much damage he has caused. It's good to hear that you are starting to feel happier. The kickboxing seems to be really cathartic!!

Now that's what we should be doing on the reception line! Kickbox them to wake them up!!

Strongish: Ah, 17 year old boys!! I found with my two oldest, that was the climax of the teen years and they were at their worst!!
The comment your son made, could be made by any normal teenage boy, but since it seems you've never heard him complain before like that, perhaps it would be better to try to talk to him again about why he made that comment. No matter how hard we try, the family dynamics have changed and the kids can feel the tension, even though we are "acting/pretending" all is well. They know something is up, but are not really being told, so they may feel anxious and insecure.

Perhaps you can sit down with your DS and explain again that you and WH are having some difficulties/communication problems and are trying to work it out. Tell him that no matter what, you both love him and always will and that everything will work out.

In the long run, it is actually good for the older kids who can feel something is wrong to see that married people can have difficulties with one another and can work it out or try to work it out. It is an important lesson to try to fix a marriage than to immediately throw it away.

Broken: In this particular case with the pic, I wouldn't mention it. He could have thrown it away for several reasons, mainly because he might feel you may be hurt to see it. If he hid it somewhere else, that's another story to be addressed. On the other hand, if it's really eating at you, you can bring it up to him in a non accusatory way and just tell him you saw the pic and now it's gone. What happened?

NJgal: thank you for your words. For all my life, I was trying to get some validation from people about my mother's behavior and got the opposite. Those who did know a little, like my xWH just stayed away from the sitch. For years, I truly believed she was the cause of the breakup of our marriage. I blamed her. But in reality, it was my inability to deal with her. She vied for my attention and it was a toss up for her or my kids for my priority, and I feel my xWH came in third all the time. That is not right. But then, I was second to his drinking/drinking buddies...

Miracle: {{{{{Miracle}}}}
I wish with all my might I could make that horrible night go away. But your WH wasn't thinking of you. It wasn't personal. He was only thinking of himself and you became a "non-person". Again, it wasn't a deliberate act to hurt you. I really believe that. It was the unthinking and forgetting about you and your feelings that hurts. {{{{Miracle}}}}
I think your WH should be first in line with the kickboxing reception line and go through it twice for good measure!!

Allgood: It seems you are back to square one with WH. I think this time it's good that you are doing the 180. Focus on yourself and the kids. Stop being angry at WH, it's too much energy taken out of you that you should use for yourself.

You really need to let WH know that the old marriage is DEAD. It cannot be resurrected. EVER. You are willing to try to make a new relationship, but can't by yourself. You are going on to heal yourself, to go forward. If he wants to join you, fine, if not you are going on alone.

{{{{Allgood}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish, I've got my anticlimactic MC in a couple of hours... I'll give WH my shortened, generic needs lists. I would like him to want to know more, to ask, to really try to get into my head to see what I need. I assume that he will nod, fold up the lists and put them in his pocket, never to view them again. Then we'll go out and have more fun times.

Miracle, I guess I don't get the whole "I don't want to look at myself" thing. I did a lot of digging before WH's A, when I was going thru my own mid-life crisis (post-baby crisis, more like) and did the really hard work to try and figure out what I wanted. I shared with WH how difficult it was, but how much happier I am now, and gave him the tools I found. Which he thanked me for and folded up and put in his pocket. And then went right back to marshmallow lollipop babytalk world with OW. And now I fear that he wants me to join him in marshmallow lollipop babytalk world and I just can't do it.

nofun, it's so good to see you here again.

Hugs all around.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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