Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe -I've been lurking but havent posted for a while.
I thought at Xmas that my head & heart were finally aligned but this wasnt the case.
I triggered badly on Xmas day (my childhood abandonmnet issues from my mothers death when I was 6) WW let it slide.Between Xmas & New Year despite the weather WW & I spent a lot of time together (like old times) in the garden. It felt good like the team of old.WW went out on NYE with MOM & I was ready to put everything on the line. Days later I had to take her to the ER. Sitting there holding her hand while she received treatment had me asking myself what was I doing there? In short I love this person despite the pain she has brought to my life.
NJGAL - My WW & I have a huge elephant in our house. We both know its there but we both move around it & ignore it. For me its the fear of upsetting the status quo (I know its crazy). I want to talk about but my experience with WW is that she is emotionally unavailable at this point in time.Throughout the past yaer one thing that has changed in our relationship is that we are talking more; we are more comfortable with each other - we just arent comfortable yet to talk about the elephant. Avoidance yes definitely but its also about trust. The A is so very confronting for my WW to discuss she will avoid at all costs. The more she does this the more damaged she becomes. She can write about in her journal in the 3rd person but she cant/wont/is unable to discuss it with me. Im afraid that she is very broken - compartmentalising & forgetting is her coping mechanism. From what I know of her past she may never get to that where she can truely express herself openly because it is just too confronting - I will keep trying.

Hugs to all

Ats - you are doing very well - hats off to you & yr W.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 3:38 PM, January 17th (Monday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: Not that I want to be the one to give you grilling tips, but it seems to me that you just need to invent a slotted thing-a-ma-jig to put the batter in while grilling.

And, colder than a miner's ass? I'm guessing it's cold - can't draw on experience for that one. Lol.

DeepPurple: I just want to wish you well. I don't know really what else to say. I would go apeshit crazy living the way you are. But, as long as it works for you and you are doing it with no expectations and this is your path of least regret, then good for you.

My question to you: how old are your kids and what do they know of your relationship with WW? And, how are they doing with the cohabitating?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - sent you a PM


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finished reading all of your wonderful, heartfelt messages.
You are an amazing bunch of people!
Everyone's advice was excellent.
I will have to re-read all of the comments and let them soak in.

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Hugs to all.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal

I wrote you a long response basically telling you that I went into a rage about this issue aprox 3 months out. Then lots of other people gave you great advice before I posted. Theirs was better I think......

....but FWIW, in a nutshell I told my H that our whole married life he was never there for me when I needed him most (I'm not exaggerating here). Everytime things got tough or I had a truly MAJOR problem he ran away (eg the night I miscarried our second child he left me crying to see OWzero, the morning my mum died I rang him from the hospital, asked him to come sit with me while she was dying - he said couldn't had important things to do - found out later he was with OW3 - these are only 2 of many, many, many traumatic times when he ran off - I am NOT exaggerating).

Anyway, during my rage I told him he was a coward - always ran away when things were hard and if he couldn't help me when I triggered I wanted him gone. I was sick of being by myself when I needed my partner.

He has really tried hard since. I know he finds it difficult but this is one of my deal breakers. He still forgets himself at times and gets up to leave the room with some excuse. I simply say "Don't come back" and he returns. He is a coward- he knows it. I've told him it's time to be my KISA so he needs to step up and he is.

I know you are much further out than I am but your H needs to remember that he is the cause of your pain. He needs to keep being there for you if it is to go away. Their cowardice caused this crap. They need to help fix it. The thing is, I find that when my H acknowledges my triggers I "get over" them much more quickly. When he doesn't or is not with me when it happens, I am worse. I truly believe that the more they show that they understand why we feel as we do, the less the triggers hurt.

Anyway

JMHO

Love Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
My WH is the same. Although for him it's not cowardice; it's just not understanding (or caring?) that if something happens not-to-him that it's still important. My grandmother (my only living grandparent at the time) died. My WH made no mention of wanting to be with me at the funeral, etc. In fact, sat on the bed and asked me if I would take one of the boys with me to the funeral (1,000 miles away) because taking care of both of them would be tough on him. At that point, I simply said, NO, that is not an option. I think I then formulated a plan (babysitters and whatnot). Two years later when my mom had a mastectomy and I went to be with her for a few days, the same thing happened. This time I told him that the world didn't revolve around him, that he needed to man up and be there FOR ME and that his job is to have my back when bad things happen. He felt bad and manned up after that, but I'm sure he and OW had a long discussion about it later.

I haven't had that talk again... yet. It might be coming, though. We'll see.

miracle,
angry? ME?! Yeah, okay. Little bit of anger. I try to figure out the why because anger is generally covering something up. Right now it's covering up fear that WH is never going to grow as a person, never going to "get it," hide behind doing the dishes and making phone calls and our relationship with die a whimpering death.

dp,
so good to see you here again.

Hugs to the tribe.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Laura & Lostsuol: a question - why are you ok with your Hs still working with OWs? (which is asked n a non-judgmental, just inquisitive kind of way.)

This is VERY hard. He is still in the job because I decided I wanted him to stay. (He offered to leave his job) I believe he has had lots of As with the nurses (more than I know about). Most people on here say that WSs need to leave their jobs if necessary to ensure NC. They may be right. The thing is I know that if he wanted to have another A it wouldn't matter where he worked he'd do it. If he wants to go back to OW2 or OW3 he will - regardless of where he works. He has told me that both have been fishing, telling me is good. OW3 told him she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 (silly bitch!!!! - keeps forgetting he has a wife too). OW2 offered him a mobile so he could keep in touch without me knowing. He TOLD me these things!! I was cranky because he broke NC but he explained that he was working with them at the time and they just came out with these things. It's OK. He told me!!!!

He could leave his job but if he did I'd have to leave mine. We'd have to move and at our age would not be easy for both to get work. I'd also lose my family and friends support system. And give up my beautiful home. I've lost enough through this crap and I refuse to lose more. So he stays.

This means he gets to really choose me. If he goes back to OW2, OW3 or starts with someone new I will eventually find out and we will be done. I suppose I want him to choose me every day. He is weak, and he might fail again but he knows the consequences now. If he's stupid enough or selfish enough to do it again then he has made a clear choice knowing the consequences and WE WILL BE DONE!!!

So, yes it's hard for him but it is much harder for me. he goes back to work this afternoon after being on holidays for a month. He will probably see one or both of them at some time during the evening depending on where he/they are working. He may be with one of them most of the time. It is his choice - to just "work" with them or go back to another level.

Anyway, as I said, some would say I am foolish but I see it differently.

Cheers

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 11:01 PM, January 17th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

My WH is the same. Although for him it's not cowardice; it's just not understanding (or caring?)

It is a combination of all of these. I guess I focus on the cowardice because when he went with his OWs I felt he was running away from something but at the same time the selfishness was there because he was so busy concentrating on HIS concerns, desires or fears that he didn't consider mine.

Another example is when he started with OW1 (16yrs ago). We had 2 little kids, both working fulltime and breeding race horses. We had some problems - were not getting on very well probably because we were both under stress. When he is stressed he gets snappy and cranky. He was probably stressed too because he had started an EA with OW1. Anyway he came home one evening and told me he was going away "to think". I asked where, for how long etc and he said "I don't know". He was "missing" for 4 days. I was out of my mind with worry. I even rang the police on the 4th day (his father had committed suicide and I was really frightened).

Anyway, he arrived home and we went on with our lives. He admitted after dday (when I pushed him) that this was when he started the PA with OW1. They were off enjoying themselves while I was home worried out of my mind. He didn't "realise" how upset I was. (Never occurred to me he was with an OW )

So he ran away (because of the stress and us not getting on) and he didn't consider how upset I would be. So a coward AND selfish!!!

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:15 PM, January 17th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal.. sometimes you just need to let it rip!

I'm sure you both can somehow get back to loving each other. Heck you've come so far! It took me months and months to stop those feelings...

BTW.. my W and I got in a fight today. I backed wayyyy offff... But didn't run. My W on the other hand is a runner too... It must be in the "code book" of infidelity behavior..

I hope you found a way to feel better. I think dip, ats and the other made some good post...

Thanks for giving us an update deepp...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal - just want you to know that you are not alone. My H runs also. Tells me he can't take it any more, etc.

I think a lot of WS's must be like this.

It just sucks....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{NJgal}}}}

How painful it must have been to be fighting all those triggers and when you couldn't do it anymore, FWH runs off helpless!

But in your case, it's not because FWH doesn't care. It's more complicated than that. As Miracle said, the FWS doesn't want it to be a "life sentence" and doesn't want to face that you are still hurting and he is responsible. Also, he may have triggers of his own due to trying to to keep his sobriety.

Rug sweeping isn't good. I think you need to talk about what to do the next time you have triggers like that. Maybe you guys can agree that you can just tell him you are having a hard time and/or are sad and need a hug. Then you vent here. FWH will agree to give you the love and reassurance you need. You both can agree that you will not discuss the A, but just give love and reassurances to each other.

You have helped so many other people, I hope you are feeling better. Even when we feel we are over an old hurt or trauma, something can happen that brings the pain back, or memories of the pain.

You must promise you will vent here whenever you feel a trigger or sadness. We are here for you.

Ats, good to see how you and your FWW are working together and communicating, even though some of that communicating is not easy but you are working TOGETHER, which is wonderful.

Deep Purple: I hope you are in IC. There is going to come a point that you will not want to continue letting WW be a blatant cake eater. You have to decide for yourself what you are able to accept and what you can live with.

{{{{Laura and Nell}}}}

I haven't quit smoking yet, but am working on it. I've quit many times before, but this time am trying a different way.

Love to everyone

{{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((deeppurple))))

when you are here it might do YOU good to talk about that elephant...you are safe here.....

i honestly do not know how you live with your sich...in my case i no longer want the marriage, so i am not in limbo...i have a goal, i have an end point....you however are living in a self induced limbo waiting for her.....and frankly i do not get why.....with exception to you being gripped by fear and hopelessly in love...but even love my friend has its limits.....anyways...come here and talk to us....and i really do hope you are in ic.....this is so not an easy process...and a support system is key in being able to move forward and sometimes just being able to get out of bed in order to function...

nell & laura: pfm was also NEVER ther for me except once....not when either of my grandparents died, when my grandmother died whom i was close with, we fought...he was not there for me everytime there was a health issue with my dad, again he chose those times to fight with me for his foo, i had my appendix out and was infected..he thought it might be a good time for me to strip and stain the banister since i was home on sick leave...each pregnancy...it was my mom who was there for me....when manchild was a baby and we had to have him admitted to neonatal icu...he held balance while i was a basket case, but pleaded with me on behalf of his fucking foo...at the time his mom, all the converted jew could say is get that baby baptized....like god would not accept my child.....(please not meant to offend jews...long story on her conversion)...the list goes on and on.......

running is not what they do best...its more like a lack of total commitment...selfish behavior...abusive, manipulative and controlling....and many many justifications for his behavior....making me out to be the bad guy at all times so he could feel good while he was fucking another...he would feel justified, like he deserved it.....not to mention that seeking his parents approval meant everything to him and i was far far away from getting him that approval....

look to the foo nell & laura.....look at the dynamics...look at the times he was a monster....or avoided....the issues are all his and please don't take this the wrong way...but you have nothing to do with his behavior...it would not have matter who was and is married to when this behavior took place...these are all dificiencies within himself...

finally the other part of all that selfish behavior, the part that is accusatory...pfm was big on this....i finally realized that all the things he would pick on me for, pick a fight with me for...they were all things he himself was guilty of....

then i looked at the marriages of friends and family and lo and behold....i would see the same pattern...so apparantly it is the reflection that we give back to them that they lash out....i hope i am making sense...when pfm yelled alot of his shit at me, especially the things that i felt were way out there, i would look at him and say no..he was the one who did whatever it was he was picking on me for....is he crazy....and then i would get lost in the fight and forget that connection...and that connection i have found is key....all the things he accused me of were things he himself was guilty for....look for it next time in your ws....


dip: did you know that you really can make pancakes on a grill....you need a cast iron pan....and go for it...

and i am disappointed that we will not have brass monkey nuts to give away as trophies....i will have to find a substitue......lorena, pagin lorena bobbit....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP, fair warning. I have a 2x4 in my hand, but take what you want and ignore the rest. Skip down to the next post if you do not want to be hit.

The Karma Bus can make positive deliveries. DS15 will be gone in a couple months for a weekend on a school event. No kids! I looked up a camping reservation at a local park. My hopes were not high as it will still be in season for snowbirds. The only site available that weekend is a perfect site on the river with another site on just one side. We reserved it. After being let go from the job where OM#2 worked, FWW took a job about 6 months before dday for an agency that was her job in Hell. About 6 months after dday she started her current job, a position she had applied for before, but been turned down. Tonight at her board meeting the numbers are all up, she has turned this agency around. We are on a roll!

DP, I am going to make some assumptions about your sich, and that you while you have not asked for advice you are interested because you are posting.
I do not know how you tolerate your situation. It is often amazing what self-sacrifice we men will make. That being said, I believe you are enabling your WS's behavior, and this is not in your best interest, your WS's, or your kids. (Swoosh, that was the 2x4). What does it say to your kids and your WS that she goes out for a date with MOM on NYE leaving you to babysit? In most marriage ceremonies there is a vow to love and take care of the spouse in sickness. You are not taking care of your WS. The addiction model is often used in describing WS involved in an A, and it seems to work well. If your WS was an alcoholic would you be OK with her going out for drinks NYE? Or to get a drug fix? That is just what she is doing by having contact with the OM. I presume the MOM spouse does not know? Have you contacted her? I simply could not be in a M where my W felt free to date OM. I would not allow my children to have a cuckolded father. You owe it to your WS, to be a good husband.

I know there is a school of thought (Marriage Builders?) that suggests luring the WS back by being the best spouse you can be. Not an approach for me, but it must work for some. Still, even that group recommends a hard 180 if this does not work after 6 months. You are at this point. Help your WS the best you can, force her off the fence. Show her you love her and will not share her, she means too much for you to have 3 in the M. Tell the OM BS if you have not. Give her a chance to save or end the farce that is her current M. You are teaching your WS that you care so little for her that it is OK for her to date an OM. You are teaching your children that you care so little for yourself that you will tolerate being cuckolded. Stop being co-dependent.

We are all free to do what we want so long as it does not harm another. Your WS is harming you, your family, the OMís BS, and herself. Ignore this and tell me to Fuck off and I will leave you alone. You know your path better than I, but I am worried that you are miss-guided in your tolerance and self-sacrifice. deeppurple))

Nell,

You should know I present much better on-line than IRL. If only life had time for edits, reflection, and spell and grammar checkers. But thank you to all who say kind things about my posts.

old_dipstick, I have offered no pancake grilling advice because I thought it was obvious that is what the deep fat fryer is for.

njgal480, a final thought. My triggers are my problem. I wanted to R, and agreed to the "terms" FWW heals herself, I have to heal myself. Sure it is nice when FWW can step up and help, but she was more damaged than I before the A's, and now she has to deal with fixing herself and healing herself. A tall order. You WS is in the same boat. I am not sure that I could do what my FWW and your FWS have done since dday. I say I am not sure because who really knows, but I do not think I could. Remember that all the awful things he did, he did to himself and the OW. You were not a part of the equation other than one more logistic to work out.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

funerals:

I found the talkk of WS and funerals interesting. Our MC/IC helped explain to FWW that is is normal and expected that I would be at her side at a funeral for a family member. She always presumed she should save me the "bother" and just go alone. She wanted to spare me the dealing with her family and diruption of our life. Fortunately we got this worked out prior to her Mother's passing. She was very pleased that both DS15 and I were there to support her and show that we are a family unit.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, January 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats,
This is the very issue that I've been wrestling with for the past few weeks & during IC (next session next week) so I have no problem with the 2 x 4.
I havent told MOM BS as I dont know who the ^^&***&*& he is, but working on it.

Ats - even if I disagreed with you, I respect you too much to tell you you to fuck off.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple you have a pm...


ats good post to deeppurple......

pretty quiet in here this am.....i hope this means that everyone is having a good morning....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

A thing-a-ma-jig! Good idea. I have tried a do-hicky, a watch-a-ma-callit- and a gizmo, but did not think to use a thing-a ma-jig. I will try that next.

I have worked outside in minus 50 wind chill a few times. Here is the saying that fits how cold that is. "It was so cold that my balls turned into ovaries."

miracle.

A cast iron pan. How will I get the grill marks on the pancakes?

If I remember the story correctly, lorena left the nuts and cut off that other part.

ats.

I knew you could deep fry sticks of butter and twinkies. I never thought about pancakes though. I still want the grill marks. Like the ones on a nice steak.

Tribe. I guess that the WS running away is really in the cheaters handbook. The one thing my W got out of her few IC sessions was the fact that the guy told her she was running away from OUR marriage problems. I think she latched onto that statement because she took it to mean that I was equally at fault for her "mistake". Yesterday I told njgal that my W was open to talking about most any subject, but not the A. I should expand that by saying any subject that does not seem to be critical of anything she is/has done. When something like that comes up, she ends the conversation or wants to change the subject. I would imagine all of us are that way in some way. It might be a little more in a WS.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I watched a special on Forgiveness. It was interesting although not completely new and unique but it made me wonder - for those of you struggling with this issue which one of the following would you consider to be the major obstacle that holds you back from extending forgiveness to your FWS. (For me the benefit in extending forgiveness to my FWS has always been finding peace after his betrayal).
A little background - the interviews were of a variety of religious leaders and of "victims" so there were many different opinions on forgiveness that were shared. Some were victims of 9/11, others of the Holocaust, some were victims of a personal nature and some were crime victims.
I think I'll just list the points individually. I don't know if this will be helpful but I hope there may be something in this for some of you.
* When an injustice hasn't been properly dealt with, then forgiveness isn't possible.* How many on here are struggling because the FWS just doesn't want to deal with our pain, doesn't want it brought up, and wants us to just get over it.
Forgiveness cannot be given unless there is compassion (for the perpetrator). ATS - this made me think of you because you have a great deal of compassion for what happened to your W in her younger years and I think this has helped you see her A's from a different perspective.
* The person is more than what they have done. This one is what I struggled with when trying to come to a place of forgiveness because a LTA puts into question the character of a person. It is not a single insult but involves years of betrayal.
* Community support helps victims to deal with their anger(and ultimately be able to come to a place of forgiveness).
That is one of the greatest benefits I feel for our special little corner here and for SI in general. We need a place to vent, to be heard, to cry and to be supported. Over time, as our anger dissipates, hopefully we will find peace.
* We must hold them accountable for their betrayal but ultimately we should offer them redemption (for our own well-being). Of course, getting some of our S's to accept their culpability is a whole different issue.
* The victimizer must ask for our forgiveness and admit his culpability. I was wondering if any of you have S's who have not asked for your forgiveness.
* Some sins can never be fully atoned for yet we must somehow find the path to forgiveness because the soul seeks peace . This personally has been my main motivator in offering forgiveness to my H. I don't want to be an angry, bitter person. Life is so good in so many ways. I don't want to hold onto negative feelings and waste any more of my life seeking revenge or hoping for the "karma bus" to hit either my H or the OW.
In fact, the karma bus did hit the OW and it gave me no satisfaction whatsoever - it just made me sad that she wasted so much of her time hoping to steal my H from me.
* If we forgive ourselves it is a wonderful beginning. It is our lack of compassion for ourselves that makes forgiveness so difficult. I can also relate to this too. So many times throughout this process I have remembered examples of ways that I ignored red flags or chose, during our most difficult years, to ignore my H and live a "parallel life" because it was easier than trying to get my H to work with me on our M.
I have many examples of ways that I gave up on my M and just co-existed and I have struggled with my own choices. Before anyone thinks I blame myself for my H's 8 year LTA, believe me I DO NOT. But I do think there is a good point here that we must learn to forgive ourselves for our own shortcomings and in finding peace for having accomplished that maybe we will then find peace in extending this gift to others.

Deep Purple - I don't know why but this one made me think of you and your situation. I keep wondering if you are in some way holding yourself responsible for your W's actions and this is why you are allowing her to continue in her A. I could be totally off the mark and, if so, I'm sorry. I also wanted to add that I agree with so many points in ATS's post to you but especially this:
"Show her you love her and will not share her, she means too much for you to have 3 in the M. Tell the OM BS if you have not. Give her a chance to save or end the farce that is her current M. You are teaching your WS that you care so little for her that it is OK for her to date an OM."
.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:42 PM, January 18th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I thought maybe I'd send along a little Irish humor - it's a little early for St. Patty's Day but this one gave me a chuckle and made me think some of you could relate to this (because I sure did!).

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Of course, I would have said, You little shithead!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... FNF.. that forgiveness post.. I agree...

For me, I don't need compassion for me to forgive... I will still forgive. What I won't do is have any type relationship with a person as such... Does that make sense?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.