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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun... This is your H...
MY H IS NOT HAPPY....he is never happy...nothing is good enough.

Sounds like his problem...

All I know is to get out of your funk.. you are gonna have to jump on that happy train.. That train is leaving the station... you ain't never looking back...


What makes you happy Nofun? Does walking on a beach... shopping... just having a talk with a friend.. playing with children.. What? What makes you happy when you are around your H? When you first met, what was it?

how did you deal with the emotions at Retro?
How do you deal with your emotions now? Heck, I just dove in... took chances, I cried, I laughed.. To see someone tell a story you can relate to is very very emotional.. To think your H's won't feel something is far from what will happen.. If you are M to someone that cannot "feel"... then they are STONE COLD.. and why do you want to live with someone like that?


I am happy being married to you today because _____. HDIFAT?

Dear Lord, Please bring happiness into our souls again.

Dear Ms Nofun,

I am happy being married to you today because you make me feel comfortable. I enjoy just watching TV, not doing anything around the house, and just some time to myself. At the firehouse, I am always on the edge that something is going to ring. It might be like when you know you have to do something in the morning when you know for some reason in that twilight sleet the alarm is about to ring.. then wham it does. Being home with you at peace is the reason I am happy being married.

Love Mr Nofun.

Reality is that he may write something totally off the wall you had no idea. It is truly amazing how we always seem to think we know what our spouses are thinking.

At worst, you will know his real feelings.. And like I say, if he says he's not going to do it.. That tells you how hard, how bad he wants the M... He's got to want it on his own... If he draws that stick man .. then he is telling you he is sick! Sick of it all.. Sick of life.. sick of M... sick of...??

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:59 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, Thanks for the invitation to come visit. We traveled to Australia 10 years ago, in-laws and the kids. It was a great trip. I LOVE your country!

I'm feeling pretty lost today. I've started planning our DD's college graduation weekend, inviting friends, etc. and I just keep remembering when our DS graduated 3 years ago what a blast we had. Of course, now I know that FWH left this fabulous party/week of festivities and shared it all with OW. It makes me so angry I could spit!! But in the next moment I just want to sit and cry. Sorry for the pity party Tribe.

Like so many of you, I just don't see how I can ever be happy with FWH again. STill no signs that he's working on his "dark side" or even addressing that it exists. Tryn, I want to be happy, I really do, but at what cost? My self-respect, my kids sense of security, my financial security? I don't want to be alone but when I look at what's out there, I see few, if any, men that interest me. Time for the weekly pity party...Sorry!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: i love your art and am glad you are sharing...

your list of "its me"....as much as you are the initiator, "she" is open to it all and working with you and beside you.....she is not hampering your efforts and is indeed helping them...

its seem so ironic to me, or should i say unfair...the ws puts the relationship in the ditch, it should be the ws who puts it back on track...and maybe with short term affairs or ons, this is possible because then maybe the ws isn't so damaged....our ws's the lta ws is so damaged that to see beyond their issues is what the bs must do if "r" is going to happen.....occasionally there is the ws who is the one put it back on track, like njgal's fws...he was the one who initiated the work....

i guess it also depends greatly on what the issues are that drove them to the behavior in the first place...

there are so many circumstance where you could understand how it happened or came to be...and some rare ones on why it lasted so long...then especially in the lta...there is no understanding....laura...i could have written your post...as i read it i saw myself and pfm.....the similarities still astounds me.....2 years out and i am still astounded at some of this shit....

anyways...i too would love to take you up on your offer of a visit....who knows maybe someday...i always wanted to visit australia...it is actually on my bucket list...i really do not have that many places on my list...but australia is up there...

strong: i could have written your post too....with one exception...for me it would have the planning of my dd's sweet 16....her graduation was last year and cat was out of that proverbial bag....i hate that all happy shit has been tainted by this ...all of it...not having a before really sucks...but i will have an after...count on it...


fun: feelings in retro....question fun, how would you feel knowing that you did everything possible, put it all out there...no matter what the outcome, KNOWING you did all you can do, gave it 150%.....no matter the outcome i would think that the knowledge of that would be enough to sustain you.....i know you are afraid...reacting out of fear though....breeds more unhappiness....react out of love for self above all...love yourself enough to know......notice i didn't say anything about loving him....you need to be able to fully love yourself first and foremost...love yourself enough to get your final answers and look and name all your feelings once and for all.....remember the outcome as much as my wish for you to come out of it with an intact marriage committed to reconcilliation....i would rather you come out of this knowing that you will have no regrets on the paths you have chosen...just the fact that you are considering it means that if you do not go forward with it means you will regret or wonder about it....


bp:

do not worry about learning about us...even though we are not a large number our stories are long....very long and very complicated....we have many similarities in both our ws's and in our struggles to either reconcile or to end our marriages....our processes are all different yet have many qualities in common.....each of our journeys will hopefully lead us all to the same place, we all strive for happiness and peace....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After scouring the bookstores for 5 Love Languages, I walked right past the last copy in Target today during a trip to restock all the basics that I bought in multiple multiples back in May when I wasn't sure that WH would be back after I kicked him out. (Wanted to make sure that the boys and I would be all set for at least having a clean home, clean clothes, clean bodies KWIM?) Obviously that book was meant for me, so I bought it. Then roamed the books/music and ended up spending $125 on those two types of things alone. Now listening to Rihanna, next up Elvis Presley, then Daughtry. :) My purchasing angels are lining up. I found a bunch of clothes the last few days. Also got great price on plane tix to go back to my hometown, probably in April. Told WH to feel him out; he didn't act thrilled but just said HMM at my idea to go out there in a few months for a week or so.

Tryn, LOVE the Moving On RR!!! My favorite yet. I do love the sassy stuff.

Okay, gotta go read. Hugs to the tribe.

P.S. Allgood, I see nothing wrong with availing yourself of your WH's goods while married. I believe it's called his husbandly duty.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to share this link. It was in General...but, Wow..I thought it said it all about infidelity.
Especially how rampant it is and how Craigslist and other web sites promote it.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
A book that Ats recommended 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' by Love is excellent.
It is not affair related...but for me it really described how my husband and I interracted in the past.And made me very aware of mistakes that both of us made.

Laura-
The grouchy ,depressed,detached husband that you decribed was exactly what mine was like..especially during the LTA.... plus add the fact that he was drinking..alot...
so, I was not a happy camper.
I actually asked him for a divorce 2 yrs before d-day!
I told him that this was not the way that I wanted to live out my golden years...
Tryin-
Love your art!
The happy train is great.
That's what I need to do...leave all of the triggers behind and get on board the happiness train.

On a personal note...
I went to the family funeral and I was fine. Trigger free.
My husband was very kind, loving etc. as usual.
A few of our family members do know about the LTA and I could tell that they were happy for us.
It made me realize that I need to stop focusing so much on the OW.
He has said all along that she meant nothing to him.
And, today, when I was surrounded with all of these family members of ours I was reminded once again that it is true.
Nothing about his behavior toward the OW was loving.
He would never in a million want our daughter to be treated the way that he treated the OW.
he wants our daughter to be treated in a kind and loving way.
The LTA was the opposite of kind and loving.It was all selfish.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to stop focusing so much on the OW.

You are right njgal480. Funny, I know how to explain to others how to exorcise thoughts of the OP, but I struggle sometimes following my own advice. So today has been a kind of depressed day, but on the positive side; the garage is cleaner than it has been in months.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal - Thank you for sharing that article - it was very good - just printed it out.
Glad you got thru your weekend ok.
I've re-instituted NC with my H other than emergencies. No comment was made by my H to this announcement.

And, Strongish: there are men out there for you. You are just not used to looking for them. I've never looked at anybody (other than in a magazine cuz seriously how could you not look at David Beckham wearing ony his underwear), but they are there.
Got to go watch Dora the Explorer now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read the link that NJgal posted...wow! I LOVED it!! I wish I was half as eloquent as the person who wrote this. So, so I dare forward it to FWH?? I'm not angry enough today to send it to him, but I'm keeping a copy of it for the next time he starts acting like an ass.

FWH slept in our guest room last night. After 28 years together this is the first time he has chosen to not sleep with me in our bed. I struggling with feelings of guilt. He's angry this morning and I know that he's angry because I let him sleep somewhere else. I'm sure he was thinking that I'd cave in and tell him to just sleep with me in our bed, but I didn't. This makes me so sad....after all this time this is where we've come to. I had a major cry-fest yesterday after picking him up from the airport. I'm starting to see a trend here.....every time he comes home I start to get depressed, sad, angry and just downright miserable. I don't even know what I want anymore. Do I want him and our M or do I want out? I just don't know.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
I guessed I missed some posts.
Why exactly is your husband so angry with you?
Why is he distancing himself from you by sleeping in another room?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant… Oh but this “truth” or “given” in life we all know today because of our experience… Life is not always fair. It happens to everyone in life at some point. We didn’t get breast cancer, we got infidelity.


It take “something” to

you need to be able to fully love yourself first and foremost.
. Oh do I know that feeling. The common reason for having there A always seems to fall back on the betrayed….They say, “ I did NOT get this or that… I did NOT…” . They will say things like.. I take full responsibility But… But… But… When they tell us this, it is something we take, misunderstand, absorb as meaning our faults caused them to do what they did.


This is why it is so important to understand what an A is about… It is selfish behavior… It fall 100% on the cheater… 100%. To think you need to somehow keep secret relationships.. for the sake of not hurting the family is utterly a cop out.. A are greedy selfish behavior. Could we have done things that they didn’t like? HELL YES.

What we cannot allow is for us to believe some else’s sins to be our responsibility…. We cannot change ourselves without effective communications.


I admit not always knowing good strong relationship boundaries… Nor did my W. It is 100% on yourself to properly communicate what you need to be happy. It is 100% totally on yourself to negotiate what you are willing to compromise in order to be satisfied… and the consequences once fully communicated? Change. We must be able to fear no change and not fear properly communicating.

njgal480… It sounds like you are entering and yet not passing the acceptance part of your grief?

Accepting is critical for R and moving on.


Hah! The big question… What can free you from your self-imposed suffering? You need to move toward saying.. YES!


What are some things you can do to help you say YES?

For me, I somehow was able to convince myself these things…
- The A was not about me.
- I fully understand the OM did not FORCE my wife to have an A. It was a choice by my W.
- If my W doesn’t want me, I will oblige with D papers. I am prepared to END it.
- It just does not matter what sex took place or the emotions that happened… TODAY is TODAY.
- Life is sometimes not fair.

How? I'm not sure how I got here? I think it was because I was always trying to be positive about my W and giving all to my W. Every day, every hour, every minute. Did I fail at times.. But I kept at it… day after day. I actually made a commitment to her and told her, I don’t need to know anything more about your A. From this day forward, if I say a word about it, It falls totally on me. This is my way to show you I forgive. I have failed twice since making that commitment. I apologized. It is on me.

Yesterday, a friend and I drove to Chicago for dinner.. we had the best red wine, dinner.. great conversation… with his buddies from elementary school. All of us have been M’d to women that cheated. All of them D and are in new relationships.. So I ask them, how often they think about infidelity with former W? One said never any more… He hates her cause she stole a million dollars from him.. He thinks about that about 2 or 3 times a week but never the fact she cheated.. My buddie says.. maybe every month or two.. but they are only passing thoughts.. Other says.. hardly ever. 2 of 3 have good relationships going now.. One is not sure.


So I still conclude… YOU D.. you will stop all triggers.


Somehow, Divorce = Acceptance. It’s almost seems like the ceremony of end… or the beginning of thrill of the chase.. lol..


BTW.. you ladies that think your too old to have a new Marriage… At dinner Friday at a friends, her mom 85 years old just remarried.. lol…

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:08 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow, Divorce = Acceptance.

I think it's easier to put the hard feelings & memories of the A away when you choose not to reconcile for a number of reasons.

The one that stands out the most to me, and something that I have been thinking about a lot over the last 3 weeks, is that WS is longer my worry. Not my problem to worry about whether he's fixed his underlying problems or not, not my worry if he's really changed, really faithful, etc.

I can chalk up the whole A to my WS has a number of problems that he's not willing to address and move on with a clear head. While reconciling, the person that has proven him/herself capable of lying, concealing, loving another, etc. is still in your #1 trusted position - your spouse. That is a frightening concept at times, depending on how successful your reconciliation is.

I think the other reasons are mostly the moving on with someone else - the thrill, feeling loved, no affair related baggage, no reason to scrutinize why he/she is with you or whether he/she is lying, etc.

Just easier in some respects. Don't get me wrong, I still think reconciliation is a great goal worthy of the work, but it's clearly the harder path in many respects.

Got to go - my daughter has been without me for almost 6 minutes. (Why doesn't she ever nap?!?!?)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:37 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...he's angry because I let him sleep somewhere else. I'm sure he was thinking that I'd cave in and tell him to just sleep with me in our bed...

strongish, while I am not above being childish myself, I this just sounds really childish. There is no way to form an emotionally intimate relationship with this level of communication.

FWW called me out this morning about being quiet. I told her it was stuff she did not want to talk about, and she insisted we discuss it. We did not talk about the actual details themselves (I do not need that information now, she does not want to go through it, and I would not believe her any way ), but we did talk about how we both feel and trigger.

I agree with Tryn, at this point if I was D the triggers would be over. I would probably agonize over the D, but it would no longer bother me what she said/did to OM. It would be like any exGF I think. Plus, I would like to think I would have new people to hold my attention.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
You 'get' me. My overriding emotion has been grief. Not anger so much.
So..you're right I am going through the grieving process.
And....I do agree that if I had divorced my husband after d-day (actually if I had followed through on my plans because I did file for divorce and then withdrew the divorce complaint)..well, anyway,if I had D my husband I would definitely not be triggering now.
I would have moved on in my life.
But, the question is...would I be happier divorced?
and yes...I do know that people of all ages can re-marry and find happiness etc.
But, the flip side is one that I see very often with all of my divorced friends...they do not meet Mr. or Ms. Right, they struggle with loneliness.

I think that if the marriage is re-energized post d-day because the WS is so motivated to save the marriage then you have a better shot at happiness than you do divorcing.
But, if the WS is not making an effort to really change then the marriage will not be any better off than it was before and during the affair.
I believe that the marriage was unhealthy , that was why the affair happened.
Not that the BS was necessarily to blame but..there had to be issues for the WS to be where they ended up.
Something was not right about the sitch and that needs to be addressed.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:20 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why exactly is your husband so angry with you?
Why is he distancing himself from you by sleeping in another room?
I'll answer the 2nd question first. He offered to move into the guest room during my meltdown yesterday and I said yes. So he slept there last night. He has offered this in the past, but I've never taken him up on it, I've always said that since he spends so much time traveling that when he gets home he should sleep in his own bed, that I would sleep in another room. I have slept on the sofa a few times, but always after he has gone to bed. (Geez, can you tell I don't like confrontation??) This time I agreed to have him move into another room and then didn't say a word as he said good-night last night and headed to the guest room. I stayed where I was and finished watching the program I had on the tube, then went to bed in our bed.

So, it's really me pushing him away as opposed to him distancing himself. I think he's angry because I stuck to my decision this time and didn't give in and have him sleep with me. I don't know that that's for sure why he's angry, I didn't ask. DS17 was home and I didn't want to get into a potentially ugly discussion when he was home. So, I left and went shopping until it was time for FWH to leave for his next trip. Yep, this is my life. FWH has two full-time jobs that both require maximum travel. Needless to say I'm struggling with this.

Oh yeah....during our "talk" last night, FWH again talked about how he didn't know how OW would ever get in touch with him again as he closed down the e-mail account he and she used to communicate. He says that he told me this before, but I don't recall him telling me that he had a separate e-mail account. Honestly, he might have but it really doesn't matter. I told him that that was just another example of his lying by comission. That he actively deceived me and that was a part of him that right now I cannot accept. Since he's made no moves to restart seeing an IC since his last appt. one month ago and has not talked at all about what changes he needs to make in himself, I'm of the impression that as of right now, he's not really interested in changing himself so much as getting me to accept what he's done.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal.. Yes, you need to somehow figure out how to get “unstuck” and move forward into the acceptance phase. You are going to have to somehow believe some things. I put that “YES” chart up for you.

For me, I am sure I’m in the "letting go" part of my grief. Yep.. I‘ve arrived… my grieving is ending… about 28 months.. longer then what my IC said right at dday… But I think he said that on purpose.

would I be happier divorced?

For me...I would say I would be just as happy as I am today. See, I would still have dinner with my friends, I would still have my best friend, I would still enjoy my kids, I would still do fun things that make me happy... It really is about me. I think a partner makes life easier. It’s because of the sharing aspect.


I really think this is a major part of R somehow not having fear you will be hurt again. Nor fear of loneliness. Loneliness is something I truly believe is something you need to make efforts to overcome.


As far as your friends who have yet to find a good partner yet. I would not allow them to dictate what would happen to you. I see you as a woman full of intelligence, interesting conversation and responsible. Those are pretty attractive attributes. The single women I know all have issues.. One is always sickly and the other too picky. They brought misery on themselves one by doing drugs and the other by pure choice and ego.


It is critical to make sure you believe in yourself.


if the WS is not making an effort to really change
I agree that this is critical. For me, she quit her job and quickly went NC, She went to a few MC and IC, She read a couple books, She took my jamming her nose in her own shit on many occasions, she reaffirmed me in a few different ways, she is more accessible at all times, she committed time, effort and energy in Retrouvaille, she started to do more in my language of love.

It really is up to your own spouse to decide if they want you or not. I think you just get to a point in your life where you just don’t want to be a cheater… It is in you or not. You know.. the ole saying, One a cheater, always a cheater… I do think it takes getting caught to decide, I don’t want to be that kind of person again…


All we can do is somehow work though the grief..

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:25 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish.. I think you are doing the norm so far. For me, meltdowns happened too. They just do.

Can you focus on better communications?

As I think back on it.. My meltdown always happened when communication went awry. .. For uncomfortable to downright mental anger and all those things associated with hurt… A WS always seems to want to somehow.. save face.

[This message edited by trynhard at 4:34 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
Your situation right now is tough.
The fact that he is traveling all the time for work and that gives him the excuse not to go to IC or MC.
IMHO you really do have to do the work before you can reconcile.
Otherwise, you're only putting a band aid over a festering wound.
You need to get it all out first...you need to know exactly what you are reconciling from and then you need to know that the WS really 'gets it' and you need to see concrete examples of change from your WS.
It can't be back to normal.
So, how do you think you will be able to begin working on true reconciliation if he is away from home so much?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal....you have hit the nail on the head. I only have FWH's word that he is changing and I think we all know how much that's worth. He wants nothing more than for us to go back to "normal." He has said as much. But "normal" is what got us into this mess in the first place and as most of you know, it's not like FWH came to me and said, "Hey, I'm unhappy to the point of thinking about being/having sex with someone else. What say you to going to counseling so that we can work on fixing our marriage and we can both be happy?" No, FWH was outed by the OW who was angry that he wouldn't restart their relationship. The ONLY reason FWH has seen a IC/MC at all is because I made the initial appointment and then basically demanded that he go. I've suggested books and he read "The 5 Love Languages." He's started "Not Just Friends" but told me yesterday that he doesn't think that it really applies to him as most of what he's read is about preventing an A with a co-worker. He takes every opportunity to minimize the A, even as recently as yesterday when he made the point the he never initiated getting back with the OW the three times they "broke up" during the A. And he wasn't seeing her during the time that we were in MC previously. (Yep, we went to see a MC during this time, but I didn't know about and he didn't tell the MC that he had had an A)! For a smart man, he's really an idiot. And even if I can forgive and move on with all that, he had unprotected sex with OW for 4+ years. He says that he "knew" that she wasn't seeing anyone else when they were not seeing each other so it was okay.

The bottom line is that I'm coming to the realization that it will be difficult, if not impossible to R given our sich. The constant travel is more than a hurdle, it's a huge impediment to our being able to work things out. I really do understand why FWH would be reluctant to come home these days. The last four times I've picked him up from the airport we've ended up in a fight/meltdown. As my shock wears off the anger is moving in and I'm less and less patient with his BS excuses and minimalizations.

Obviously, I need to keep seeing the IC and we'll stay in MC through the 12 sessions that we've committed to. But right now, I don't feel good about our chances.

Thanks for listening tribe.

[This message edited by strongish at 9:20 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't see myself ever surrendering my heart to him like that again.

Broken - I feel the same way. You aren't alone.

Tryn- I do need to get on that happy train. I'm naturally a happy person and I have much to be grateful for. It's my relationship with my H that makes me unhappy. Retro is really the last straw I think.

Strongish - I can relate to when you had that graduation 3 years ago. I had my daughter's wedding in 2008, we had such a great time and then I find out a year later that he had a LTA and took OW to Vegas right before the wedding, he actually took OW the weekend of my DD's bridal shower. I just thank God I didn't know about it until after the wedding.

It's amazing how much of our stories are the same.

Hugs to all...


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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