Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing how much of our stories are the same.

I do see so many similarities in our stories. I am so glad I have found this sanctuary.

This is what I do not understand. I understand that people's feelings change - that he found someone else he wanted to be with. But you know, we were married a long long time. Why could he not just tell me? I know it would have hurt but not as much as the lying and deceit about an LTA.

My husband and I were in marriage counseling all the years of his LTA! Yes, my son developed a severe mental illness and a lot of the counseling time was spent helping us deal with that but it was still marriage counseling. We had a wonderful and caring counselor, he was so helpful - the big "reveal" could have happened during a session.

After years of working and planning together - we have retired to our "dream" home in another state. (the affair was discovered a year after husband's retirement) Big yipee now right? Privately, I call the whole retirement dream Sham-Wow.

I keep saying R. But at 7 months out, I am not sure I can past this.
Strongish

Do I want him and our M or do I want out? I just don't know.

I am so there too. I guess I am just "hunkering" down for now.

Laura - thank you

NJ - glad to see you back

Miracle I'll keep trying to get caught up

Nofun - thank you

Tryn - I don't know right now if acceptance is not accepting, if that makes sense


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken-
They didn't divorce us because the loved us (in their own way).
They did not want to lose us....but, they craved the newness and the excitement of the affair and thought that they could end it at any time and that no one would ever find out and that it would be this 'thing' on the side. That it would not affect their marriage .
And...they were in such a fog that they did lose sight of how awful it was to indulge in the affair at times of trouble.
My husband's affair lasted during years when we were also struggling with major health and psych issues with our teenager....
my husband escaped these worries via his drinking buddies and the LTA.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish:

You said something like your H doesn't really want to change as much as he want you to accept it. My H has the same attitude. He has admitted on many occasions that he's a piece of shit (his words), yet seems to believe that the only changes needed were for him to stop the A (still not sure how he defines that given the recent NC breach) and for us to be more loving and attentive to each other.
Amazing.
And, he recently told me that when he accepted the secret phone from OW 2 weeks after DDAy, he didn't even think of me?!? I couldn't believe it, but since I was 180, I didn't react. But, it amazes me - 2wks after DDay was raw emotion and he doesn't even wrestle with the decision to accept a phone from OW?!? He says he wasn't thinking about me, he was thinking about how OW had transferred from their workplace so he wouldn't have to. Loyalty.

Anyway Strongish - I understand what you are saying. And, I think it's understandable that every time he comes home the shit hits the fan, because you haven't had the benefits of consistent face to face time with him to work these things out - I think because of that your recovery might be longer than average.
You guys are still in MC arent you?

I will post more later, but for now I have to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenP...
Why could he not just tell me?
It's also what Dr Phil call the day you realize have lived your life as a "Sell Out"... Fear of change.

If you had kids, they Fear the kids will suffer because they are sure if you know, you both will split.

They fear people with think badly about them.

They fear loss of assets.

They fear a new partner will not be a good.

And why not stopping....
Oh but the allure of how good it feels to have the touch of another, the openness with someone because they cannot with thier own spouse, the positve attention and they think thier spouse just knew about saying nothing or you just don't care like you once did when you first met...

And all Njgal says..

BrokeP.. you are just too early in your grief to accept. You have some phases to go through. I think you are over shock moving into anger. It sounds like you are doing things to help you get through this phase..


Nofun.. I can assure you... should you go to Retrou, you will never regret it. Even if you H does not give you it all. You will learn something valuable which is how to communicate in a very different way... It will be super interesting. If I had to lay odds on you H writing you something that surprises you.. I would say 20 to 1... You want to bet a $1?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you love your spouse the same as you loved them before Dday? If not, for those that are farther out, does the feeling before Dday ever return?

Every since I read your post, NoFun, I've been trying to find a way to answer you - actually I guess I've been trying to answer this for myself too.
You see, for years before d-day my H was so difficult to live with. He is very high-maintenance, he is self-centered and not only spent so much time at the office (now I know why ), but on his free days, he would take them for himself and spend them doing his favorite activity.
Now initially, I was so hurt by his lack of attention and his crankiness but over time I began to live my life for myself and my children. We have a very comfortable lifestyle and it was easy for me to take off and enjoy life, unburdened by the demands of my H. I never felt I had to give more than he was willing to give. I tried but was so frustrated and quickly thought, as the saying goes, "what's good for the goose" So, if he didn't want to spend time with me, no problem, I had so many friends and family to spend time with and enjoy and be in a satisfying relationship with that I stopped looking to my H for companionship.
This may sound like an awful arrangement to some but honestly, I was having a fabulous time. I traveled extensively, took classes, spent lots of time with my children, my friends and my family, etc. I thought I had found the answer to a successful M.
Now, sex was another story. That I did miss. My H rarely initiated it and when I would finally be so sexually frustrated, I would approach him. I tried to minimize the importance of that in my life and focused instead on all the things about my life that I loved.
So, to answer your question as honestly as I can, I'm not sure how much love I actually felt for my H prior to d-day. We had such a disconnect. Yes, we did spend some good times together. Yes, I thought I loved him and had found a way to be happy in my M'd life. Yes, I thought we had a good M since we didn't make demands on each other's time. And no, it never crossed my mind that my H was having an A. I was so busy having the time of my life, I was ignoring all the red flags that were there.
Here's an example: My H had a conference and was taking the OW afterall, office managers were included in this, and one night while they were away I called his room and asked what he was doing. He said, WE'RE watching TV. I asked, why is she in your room? and told him I didn't like that. By the time he got home, I forgot about it and never questioned him again. Seriously, how disconnected from him was I??????
When I look back on all of this it really does surprise me that I was so devastated when I discovered his LTA. I think maybe all of those years I must have been compensating and burying my needs for an emotional, sexual and deep connection with my H. I felt so betrayed. I thought I was this great W who didn't make unreasonable demands on her H and that he was lucky to have me.
Now, I'm not sure how I feel about him or my M.
I know I have loved my life and have loved being together as a "family." This has always been the most important thing to me. But I do feel cheated and I do feel I must accept some of the responsibility for ignoring what should have been so obvious for many years before d-day.
I hope you don't mind my long-winded answer to your question but since each of our situations (even though similar) are different, I think each of us has to ask ourselves, how did I feel about my S and my M before d-day and how does that compare with what I now feel? I was not crazy in-love with my H for a long time before d-day and now, I feel like I am choosing to find a way to love him again, to figure out if we can get back to a time when we did love each other. I am not sorry to be choosing this path and since my H has made tremendous changes and shown a renewed commitment to me and our M, it has made this decision the right one for me at this time.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:43 AM, January 24th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgivenotforget.. What do you call a tigger?
I guess I call a trigger everytime I think about what my W did..
Humm or should a trigger mean you feel something?

Tryn - For me a trigger is something that causes a painful reaction. Anything else is simply a memory or an association. You know, it made me think of the trigger of a gun. Pull the trigger and the bullet strikes, there is pain.
I have lots of memories, but they no longer cause me pain. Now I think I try to make sense of them, analyze them if necessary and find a way to incorporate them into my life so that I can learn from them.
As in my last post, I look back and see the ways that I ignored my M and now I know if I really want my M to work I have to learn from my past and make sure to put the effort and time into my M. But I still would not be willing to do this unless I saw a commitment from my H as well. M is a partnership and like any successful partnership, both must be committed to the R in order for it to succeed, IMHO.
Tryn, I have sent you a PM.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - Yes, we are still in MC and I am still in IC. Thank goodness for that!

only changes needed were for him to stop the A
and for us to be more loving and attentive to each other.
Yes, this is exactly the same attitude that my FWH has. Of course since my FWH ended the A 1.5 years before I found out about it, he thinks that he should get "credit" for that and that that should make it easier for me to just move on. But just when I start to think that way, I remember the two ONS's that he had after he ended the A. So, really he just kept cheating on me, just with different AP's. I guess I should also join the ONS forum, but I feel like the Tribe understands better. I feel like if it was just the ONS issue I would get over it quicker (or am I kidding myself) but the 4 year LTA just makes me feel like someone kicked me in the gut.

Gotta go into the office today so I should run. Have a good day Tribe.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you R with a WS when you don't really know what is in their heart? Afterall, if they felt for OW more than they ever felt for anyone else in their lives, they had the best 'everyting' with OW, adored her, admired her, soul mates, best sex, fun, etc, etc...for years, how can a BS ever 'compete' with that? I understand that the LTA was a fantasy relationship, but, as far as my WH is concerned, it felt real to him at the time. Very real. And, I am not at all convinced that he doesn't still hold her dear to his heart, cherish the memories, think fondly of her, and secretly reget that she was the 'one' that got away...his one true love.
How does a BS believe their WH when he tries to dispell all this? Afterall, it's in his best interest to keep his true feelings for OW secret...and to himself.

My WH and I are now re-trying to R ~ it's been nearly 6 years since d-day ~(long story)~ and I am now dealing with all this once again. I will not be his default relationship, his 2nd choice cause his 1st choice didn't pan out, or live in the shadow of a cherished OW.
Yet, I really want to give R this last effort. I have 3 children (teens) who have no knowledge of my WH's infidelity. So, it would be wonderful to keep it this way and maintain our good, intact family/home for them. I do still love my WH. I would like to have success with R. But, the further down the R path I go, the more I realize that the obstacles are numerous and too great to overcome. Plus, it is likely my WH is a sex addict to boot.

Any thoughts...comments...?


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I are now re-trying to R ~ it's been nearly 6 years since d-day ~(long story)~ and I am now dealing with all this once again. I will not be his default relationship, his 2nd choice cause his 1st choice didn't pan out, or live in the shadow of a cherished OW.

Welcome Genius to our special little corner of SI.
This is a wonderful, caring group of people and you will find a great deal of support and good advice here.
After reading your post I was wondering if you've had another d-day or if your H continues to pine for the OW. Has something else happened that you find yourself once again trying to R with your H?
I see that you think your H might be a sex addict? Has he gotten any C'ing for this? Have the two of you gone for MC'ing and have you sought IC'ing.
I'd also like to commend you for having the strength to keep this from your young children. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be and shows tremendous love and devotion to them.
Unfortunately, I have more questions than comments or thoughts right now so if you could, would you be ready to share a little more of your story with us? It might help us to better understand and offer some thoughts on your situation.
((((((Genius))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, for anyone who missed this link posted by NJGal it is a "must read"!!! Thank you for posting this, NJGal.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

I loved this post and the only thing I would want to add is that for any FWS whose A has been discovered and has been offered a chance to R and does not appreciate and get down on their hands and knees in gratitude for this opportunity is indeed a f'ing moron. Just MHO anyway.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply, fnf!
I am chuckling at your hug with the word 'genius' in it!! I feel FAR from it!! Certainly more a FOOL!

I will try to cram this into a nutshell:
D-day = Feb 2005.
Tried my heart out to R for a year only to learn that my WH was still "not happy."
In 06, I began to move forward with D. First step, for me, was researching how/what to tell kids to help them understand, cope, etc. Most articles said that it is in the best interest of the kids to remain togeher IF there is no fighting/tension/etc between mom and dad. Well, this was my H and I. We were able to be kind and respectful and have good dynamics between us. I never let my kids see my pain, etc...and barely missed a beat, remaining pretty much the same mom as always.
My WH was content to live as partners co-parenting our kids. This sort of became our unspoken arrangement. It took me a couple of years, but I finally emotionally detached from him and was able to remain with him as strictly a partner to finish the job of raising our kids. I planned to D at some point after they were launched figuring, as adults, they would have maturity, life experiences, and just more tools to cope with their parents D'ing. No time is a good time, but i felt this was best for my kids.

Cruised along for several years...co-parenting smoothly.

July 2010, I discovered WH is a cross dresser and has had a secret life parallel to his real life with me the entire 29 years we have been together. This hidden life consisted of nightly internet perverse extreme porn, cross dressing, masturbation, fantasy sessions. I realized that his LTA was just another manifestation along this sexual continuum of fantasy, etc.

I was about to file for D in Oct 2010 due to the fact that he would not stop cross dressing in our basement in the night, nor would he stop having masturbation sessions at our family computer just below where our kids sleep. Things I could not tolerate due to risk to the kids if they were to walk in on him.

A series of deeply emotional, tearful conversations ensued which tapped my heart and I felt a return of love for him. He asked if we could have a marriage again. I initially said no multiple times, but then softened. We began MC and my WH is nearing accepting that he has a sex addiction, but is not quite there yet. I guess, my hopes are that he will agree to treatment to foster healing so that we can have a healthy emotionally/physically intimate marriage. (As I am writing this, I am thinking I must be nuts!) But, there is something inside me that is telling me to give him a chance...give us a chance.

OW is still a factor because I believe that while they are not in an active A, he still holds her dear to his heart. Something I cannot tolerate. I fear, despite whatever assurances he gives, I will always wonder what is really in his heart. This is so frustrating to me because I don't want anything from him unless it is genuine. As far as I am concerned, he could be the best H by 'appearance', but his heart may not really be in it. I won't settle for that.
But, what IF he is truely 'done' emotionally with OW and he truely does love me the way a husband should love his wife...but, I can't accept it because I don't believe him??

Like I said...it's all so frustrating.

Just wondering how other's cope after a deeply E/P LTA, which, I beleive, causes more damage to the WS than it does the BS.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Genius for giving us a better idea of your situation (and I'm glad I gave you a chuckle). I just couldn't start addressing you as GOF or GOAF - and I like the Genius reference, especially since I admire so much what you have done for the sake of your children.
So my first question is why do you think he still pines for the OW?
OW is still a factor because I believe that while they are not in an active A, he still holds her dear to his heart.

Has he admitted to still having feelings for her? Considering his SA tendencies, I would think his personal issues run so deep that although she may be a crutch or a fantasy, there is something much more at issue to deal with than any attachment to her, IMHO. Cross dressing, porn addiction, etc, are all so serious and as you said,
his LTA was just another manifestation along this sexual continuum of fantasy, etc.

IMHO, he needs intense therapy and although it is good that he has opened up to you on an emotional level, the fact that 6 years have gone by and he has not resolved his SA tendencies, shows how seriously he is in need of professional help.
I commend you for being there to support him while he wrestles with his demons and hope you too are getting IC'ing.
One other thought about the OW - did she participate in his porn fantasies, cross dressing, etc., and make him feel that these urgings were normal and acceptable? That would make sense to me as to why he holds a possible connection to her. It wouldn't be "her" personally but how she mirrored these behaviors to him and made him feel normal. Just a thought.
(((((Genius ))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((genius)))))

welcome to our little corner of si....


wow, i could relate to so much of what you wrote...your biggest question though:

How do you R with a WS when you don't really know what is in their heart?

it comes down to making the choice....setting your OWN dealbreakers and boundaries....you may never know what is in his heart, is this something you can live with....

is he in ic?...i would think this would need to be mandatory for even a chance at finding out...but still he may never find out what is really there....his issues may be so deep he could be at it for years and years....

it is all up to you and what you can and cannot live with...

your kids are teens...you have already made the decision to co-parent at the very least til they are old enough to deal with it all...so time right now is there....time for him to prove himself if he could, time for you to watch and decide what exactly what you need, want and are willing to live with..

i think you need to exhaust all your options for reconcilliation for your path of least regret....you strike me as the type of person who thinks things through thoroughly with deep retrospect, as the type of person who wants to make sure the path she takes is the right one prior to taking it....

the truth is as much as we all wish we could we sometimes cannot forsee it all...so you make a list of every possible decision and every possible outcome and from that list you choose your path of least regret.......sometimes the choices we make are the wrong choices but the best possible choice that could be made at the time of making it...when you know better you do better....forsight can only go as far as you can "see" now......which is why you try to work out every possible action that can come from every possible choice....and even then there are sometime things we cannot possibly forsee...your sich now is proof of that...anyways i am getting so long winded and am not sure if i am making any sense in my wording....

bottom line is you have time, take and use it to answer your question...and remember you may never really know what is in his heart....can you live with that?

fnf: reading your post all i could do was shake my head at the irony...my marriage before this was not a good marriage, but what i thought was good i actually thought was great....now i know better...it never was...and ironically pfm is now superficially anyway all i wanted him to be, all i hoped he would be...not that i wanted to change him the person, just his work ethic and habits and priorties concerning work, foo and us....all of these changes he has made...but i cannot and will not settle ever again, i have my dealbreakers in place and my new boundaries....all are beyond the superficial rendering my marriage what it is today...in name only, biding my time....the irony though still blows me away...i would have settled happily for who he is now before d-day....

this morning on my walk...i again realized at how much i love my life....every part of it except for his part....i too have lived my life without him, he was always off somewhere, i did everything on my own, including raising my kids....take him out of every equation and i love my life....after we d i am sure some of that will change mostly due to finances.....there will be alot of my life financially i will no longer be able to do....but i am ok with that...and i feel like i get more ok with that everyday...i have spent a great deal of my life financially struggling, so this is not new to me, i just resent it that i will probably need to do it again, but i will be free...i want my freedom, long for it, i hate living my life as it is now, in this bubble....but one day i will possess that pin to burst it and it will be a beautiful day indeed.....

ok, laundry calls...no more time for anymore ramblin right now....

(((tribe)))

may everyone have a wonderful monday...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenpromise: You've been down a long road and now you feel you have finally realized your dreams and what you have been working for only to have it shattered. You are at 7 months out, and since you have given so much of your life to your M, I would give yourself more time to decide what to do in the future. IC is a good choice to help you go through your emotions and hurt to help you figure out for yourself your best course of action.

FNF: thank you for sharing your story. I know my first marriage was exactly like that, but I was unhappy deep inside although I kept myself busy. I'm glad that you you and WH are really exploring a new relationship with each other. This is a good thing instead of trying to resurrect a M that wasn't working. You are rediscovering yourselves and each other and it sounds like this will be a good thing for all involved no matter what you decide to do in the end. {{{{FNF}}}

Tryn, thank you for your graphs. I believe you posted that one once before, but I'm in a different "place" and I could "see" it better this time KWIM? I believe I was at the low point of depression for a long time and am just starting on the upward way, still "bargaining" (with myself) at times, but also starting to make and implement plans.

Tryn, I also agree that a "trigger" is something that brings back a memory, but the pain associated with that memory. I have found as time goes on, certain things that triggered my daughter's death would hurt deeply, later it became more bittersweet, and now if something reminds me of her, it doesn't really hurt as much.

Triggers with the A, also can be like that. You may be reminded, but as time goes on, the pain gets less and less until it really doesn't hurt.

I don't agree that a D will stop triggers. They get less and less. Just like "NC" can help us avoid having triggers hit us in the face all the time so we can heal, even if we remarry, a trigger can still ambush us, but not be painful. Even 22 years out from my first xWH leaving, I occasionally can get a trigger, but it's momentary. A new relationship is the new focus.

Genius: welcome to our little corner of SI. You seem like a very strong woman and good mother. I would suggest that you go to IC. These are big issues to deal with and unusual ones too. Sometimes when we live with "craziness" it starts to seem normal. We adapt to it, but I'm sure it's eating away at you to your core. Go to IC to help you explore what YOU need to do for YOU and your sanity. Post and vent here often.

{{{genius}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Know what.. I'm finally happy..
and I’m happy for you, Tryn’.
Somehow, Divorce = Acceptance. It’s almost seems like the ceremony of end… or the beginning of thrill of the chase.. lol..
That was something that came up in MC. I said it would be easier if we had D’d cos I’d be getting over it and moving on. The MC reckoned I would be no further along the healing line. I retorted that I would be, because I’d view the marriage like a death – it was over and there was no going back. As it was, he was there sitting next to me. Large as life. So yes, divorce is a different path and an end in itself.

Strongish
You seem to be on the opposite sides of a battle field. What about you draw up some plans or even to have a truce when he is next home? Here are the first five of The Love Dare (I took out all Bible refs):

*Day 1: Love is patient
The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.
*Day 2: Love is kind
In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
*Day 3: Love is not selfish
Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says “I was thinking of you today”.
*Day 4: Love is thoughtful
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.
*Day 5: Love is not rude
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behaviour. This is from their perspective only.

You could give this to your WH to think about too. If you’d prefer, replace “Love is” with “Be” (Day 5 – “Don’t be”!)
**********

How do you R with a WS when you don't really know what is in their heart?
Welcome Genius. You begin with what is in your heart. Don’t feel you are second best or second choice or the default option. You are not. Meanwhile, it would seem that your (F)WH was sinking lower until he finally hit the bottom and asked to be let back in to your life. Now you are making YOUR choices. As miracle says, it is up to you to decide what you can and cannot live with. I don’t know where the line is, but I do think IC will help clarify the way you should go and the boundaries you should draw.
***********
Okay. What a 24hrs. It started with FWH going on and on and fucking ON about calling in on a friend he hasn’t seen in a long time. He told me about it last night. He told me again this morning. He went out and bought one of our local delicacies to take along for lunch. He told me again on his way down there. He told me the route he was taking and how surprised he was satnav was taking him that way. I looked on the map. I went “hmm, conveniently close to MOW”. He phoned to tell me about the lunch after, when he was back on his route down south. Maybe I should have checked to see if she was in work today. Too late now, she will have finished an hour ago.

The thing is, I’ll never know if he is seeing her again. It would be deep underground if he was. And he has the blackberry. The personal mobile has been ridiculously openly left around – and on. As in “look – nothing to hide!” He’s been giving me funny looks all weekend. He won’t be home until Thursday night.

What the fuck is this all about? He’s rung again. Asked me to look in his diary for 14th Feb. A Monday. He’s making an appt for 3pm in Holland. Going to take [Dutchman] with him. Sunday….. [Dutchman] can go for the weekend. Monday. Probably won’t be back in time….oh well, he’ll stay over. Alarm bells – their anniversary. I hate VDay. He knows I hate VDay and want nothing to do with it. But even so. Sleuth or confront?

As I write, he’s phoned again. But this time about a document he wanted me to find that isn’t on the computer. I doubt if he copied and saved it anyway, he’s so disorganised, bloody folders and docs all over the place. What is he up to, I wonder to myself.

And – his SIL is very bad now, his brother can’t cope and now the talk is of last visits and funerals. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think any of you can help or suggest, but I just want to get my thoughts out there. Hope you don’t mind.

Hugs (((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:21 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GeniusOrAFool.. You need to read this book by Nancy Friday called, Men in Love. It is a book about Men's Sexual Fantasies: The Triumph of Love over Trage. A warning.. it is very graphic.

What this book will do for you is help you understand... It has stories about men like your H. I'll send it to you if you leave me a PM and adddress. This book is not a keeper for me. It could be he lives a life with some sort of burden.

I beleive, causes more damage to the WS than it does the BS

I think you are correct with this statement.

I so wish you peace.

As for triggers.. I now have a clear understanding. That was good for me...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.

Sleuth or confront? That is a hard one to answer. Do you have anything concrete to confront about? Is this just your gut, your feelings? Without any real proof it is just so easy for them to say that you are just being paranoid. They make us paranoid and then use that against us too. Damn fuckwits & fucktards. I know what you mean about alarm bells. I have been having some of those go off lately. Not fun at all.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:
one thing i have learned is to get all the ducks in a row before i stir the waters....something i myself have not done so well....

ok some questions:

will he own whatever it is he confronted with or will he lie? and if he lies will he construct some sort of cover up making sleuthing that much more difficult to do?


and then thoughts maybe to ponder...

what will you do with the information....what if he is hooking up or lies about it, do you have a plan...have you mapped out all the possiblities and the probably outcomes......


((((ukgirl))))there are days that i just hate this...oh wait...thats everyday...


strong:

I feel like if it was just the ONS issue I would get over it quicker (or am I kidding myself)

i think for some of us here at lta we are a bit different then the rest....all of us who have been to this forum in particular all wanted "r", even though "d" is on the horizon for some of us, and happened for some who have moved on...so yeah, i think for all of us a ons or even a short fling looks so much easier to surmount.....there is so much less invovlement, instead of years of lies there are only a few...instead of love there is only lust....the emotional ties that come with the lta are daunting, keeps us in this constant state of why and how, questioning questions that sometimes cannot be answered....learning to live with a ws's life choice as opposed to a huge mistake....because pfm did have short term affairs, (durations of each never confirmed, just know it was not lta) i KNOW i would have been able to move past it easier then the lta....

even though his choice to continue to lie has put us on the path to divorce i still know what i feel in my heart about each of them....the pain is different for each ow....nothing hurts more then the person you love truly loving another....its not just sex...


njgal: the article was priceless...

fnf said:

FWS whose A has been discovered and has been offered a chance to R and does not appreciate and get down on their hands and knees in gratitude for this opportunity is indeed a f'ing moron

i hold the same opinion and am married to one f'ing moron.....gratitude is just a word if its not followed through with action...kwim..


dip:

I have been having some of those go off lately


anything you want to talk about...??



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay... quickly. WH is at home this week working on his business plan. He took Boyo2 to get his hair cut so I've got about 10 minutes to review everything. So, fair warning, I'm about to forget a great deal of what I've read, and will post without editing.

bp, everything I read (and what WH tells and doesn't tell me) says that they weren't looking to replace what they had. They wanted to add to it. Didn't have someone batting her shiny new eyelashes at him and laughing like a maniac at the rusty jokes he's been telling for a decade and telling him that he farts daisies, and thought... hm... that seems good. Think I'll avail myself of it because I'm so damn special and deserving of adoration just for being wonderful fantastical me. If he told you, probably wouldn't have been able to get any on the side while getting the majority of his needs met within the marriage. And then there's something seriously wrong with the people we're married to, who can for years and years sneak around and lie to everyone so they can continue to get their needs off. I mean met. Oops.

fnf, I did the same thing. Didn't get XYandZ from WH so went out and got them met by family and friends. Did I want WH to meet them? Absolutely. Did I ask him to meet them? Yes, though I didn't demand. I got rejected, thought, okay no one can be everything to everyone and went about the business of getting my needs met without WH. So we had parallel lives. He took from me and gave little back. I gave and required nothing in return. We were both stupid. (tryn, when I talk about forgiving myself, that's what I'm talking about... the way I just sort of accepted the crumbs he gave me and thought I'd fix it for myself.)

strongish, yeesh. Is he passive-aggressive? The whole I'll-offer-but-you'd-better-not-accept thing is childish and ridiculous.

Genius, holy smokes. I don't see anything where the OW was special, unless she was just someone who shared his proclivities and made him feel like he was normal and okay. Maybe she had sicker proclivities and he felt less abnormal as compared to her? I don't know. Total spitball there. I get the feeling that his proclivities are priority one, not any one person outside his dermal layer. Again, complete spitball. I could be so off target that you don't even recognize yourself in my words.

Allgood, TGIMonday! Yeah, those OW are such philantrhopists. Always looking out for everyone else.

UKgirl, I have tingles (not in the good way). The multiple phone calls, the "look at me! I'm aboveboard and have nothing to hide!" along with the odd obsessive talking about this friend, coincidental route past xOW's area, and unfortunate timing... there is a rumbly in my tumbly. I hope it's nothing. Can you go with him to the Valentine's Day thing? Stay in a hotel while he meets with Dutchman?

Miracle, you deserve a wonderful partnership (or many!) with someone who can give you joy.

That link NJ posted is FANTASTIC!!!!! I so so wanted to send it to WH. But didn't.

I read 5 Love Languages and got sad/angry/aggravated so will have to read it again (and again) until I can get over myself and accept the message.

dip, what's up?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-
I don't have agood feeling about things.
It does sound awfully fishy.
If I were you I would have to play sleuth.
I would probably take time off from work to drive to where ever the OW lives, works, etc. to check on her and see where she is ...same goes for my husband.
If he said all of those things I would consider putting a VAR in his car and/ or a GPS to track where he is going.
The VAR (voice activated recorder) seems to have worked well for many on SI.
You can hear who he talks to when he is in the car...so, if he uses another phone..it's all there.

It stinks that we still have to be so vigilant...but, I have read so many stories on SI where the FWS gets back in touch with the affair partner that I would be suspicious.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.