My 1st D-day was a ONS confession. That was a real kick in the ass. She later ammended that to a couple of times. The difference in the once over twice was tremendous. A whole new thing. D-day #2 comes and I find out about the LTA. That was so much worse. Even though she confessed to another short term relationship, the LTA is the one that bugs me the most.
Nell & miracle.
I won't get into specifics but lately I have noticed somethings that do not add up or make sense. I remember during the LTA I saw things that did not make sense every once in awhile. I sometimes just blew it off or if I did ask my W about it I would accept her explaination. I did not put two and two together. I simply did not connect the dots. These things I have noticed lately would not mean much on their own. It is when you connect the dots that the alarm bells ring. I was dumber back then. (I can just hear everyone saying, "how could that idiot have been any dumber?") If she is up to something I will figure it out. Maybe? I know if she is going to do this I can't change it. I just do not want to share. Again!
Welcome to the LTA house.
Hugs to the tribe.
will he own whatever it is he confronted with or will he lie? and if he lies will he construct some sort of cover up making sleuthing that much more difficult to do?
He said he could justify carrying on with MOW because I never asked. If I had asked, he would have confessed? If I had asked, he would have stopped? It was MY fault because I never asked if he was having an affair!! And yes, he would already have some cover in place. He was good. No doubt about it – he was very good. Now he would be even better.
I can’t go with him on VDay, but I’m wondering how I can check up his whereabouts that night. I don’t know what it was about that date (apart from the obvious) but it was an anniversary of some sort for them.
but lately I have noticed somethings that do not add up or make sense.
It’s late. I’m going to bed. <<yawn>>
I never asked. If I had asked, he would have confessed?
dip, agree with UKgirl... there's a huge difference between stupid and trusting. You were never the former, and had the latter used against you. You're older and wiser. (Sorry, had to throw that in there.)
Genius- Your husband needs to go to a SA meeting ASAP!
Going to AA has truly changed my husband.
Another friend of mine whose husband had an LTA etc. etc.finally went to SA (4 yrs post d-day) and the chnage in him has been remarkable as well.
Anyhoo - just wanted to let you know I'm keeping up with y'all and thinking of you.
My shout-outs for tonight include:
Of course you know that you are neither stupid nor idiotic. Now -as to stuff not falling into place and not connecting the dots - I hear ya. THat's something I said to my H a lot over the past few months. It's hard not to drive yourself crazy with all of that. If you can up your surveillance that would be a good thing.
Also - I see you changed your "tag line" or whatever the Hell it's called - and I never knew what your old one meant when you were describing your W's past indiscretions - I think you abbreviated "STA" - never knew what that meant.
UKGirl: I am voting for the VAR. Having used the GPS, it will quickly make you crazy, especially if ok territory is fairly close to non-ok territory (some of these things are not that accurate). To me, the VAR is the only dispositive thing. You will hear 1 side of a conversation and that might make you nuts, room for misinterpretation, certainly, but if you hear another one's voice, God forbid, well there you have it.
O and in the "if we asked, they would've told" dept:
I asked. I asked indirectly when I found a hair clip that wasn't mine - and after hearing his answer I told him things weren't adding up. Then 100% point blank direct when he told me he had been miserable "for years". Said no (ofcourse) AND "what would make me say that?"
Dip, I'm so sorry. You were NOT dumb. If that is the case, then we ALL were. We trusted and loved and gave our WS's the benefit of the doubt which is what you do when you love someone.
We all didn't connect the dots.
Be aware, just in case something is up.
Oooooh!! This gets me soooo mad!!! We all have been through enough!!
That link was great!! I, too, was very tempted to send it to WH, but he wouldn't get it. Would still think all those excuses were good ones and rationalizations and verifications for what he did. He, too, thinks D is bad for the kids, so it justifies what he did.
I'm realizing, too, that inour M, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells trying to do things that would keep him happy. I never really felt secure and safe. I did a few times, don't understand why, when he was with her???
Love to eveyone. Try to stay warm with this arctic cold.
I forget that American expression about gators - but I know it applies to me at present. Back to school on Friday and as I'm on the executive I'm currently doing 12 hour days and still fear I won't be ready. Before you think I should have been organised before - I was waiting on a colleague to do HER part and she was 2 weeks late. Some people are so inconsiderate.
So, I have read all your posts. As usual you are all giving great advice so I won't add much.
Welcome honey. So sorry you are here. I'm only 7 months out and don't know which way is up so can't give much advice.
Can you ask the friend? Come up with some dumb excuse like you rang his number by mistake and "He loved seeing you the other day/last week. Did he tell you about....?" Listen for hesitation, stammering etc
I LOVE my VAR. I got all my evidence (hours of convos with all 3 OWs). I would never have gotten any info without it. He lied and still does lie about everything to do with the As. Without it I would not have had the details I have. BTW he still thinks I hired a PI for a weekend and that's how I got the info. Since he doesn't know about the VAR it continues to give me verification (at least when he's at home!) So if you get one don't forget to protect the source!!!
Unfortunately he found my GPS tracker so it's no use now. I don't know where it is but will buy another in a few months (when he's more complacent) if my gut starts acting up.
But I do feel cheated
I feel cheated because he was cranky, distant and too BUSY for me and the kids and I was tired, overworked and not very happy. That's the main source of my anger. I've told him I could have been so much happier with someone else Now he's killing himself to make me happy. We'll see......
everything I read (and what WH tells and doesn't tell me) says that they weren't looking to replace what they had.
Same here. OWs and VAR also told me this. BASTARDS!!!!
...i want my freedom, long for it ...a beautiful day indeed....
I'm so glad you can look to the future with so much optimism in spite of the difficulties of your current sich. Good for you!!!!!
Hi to everyone else present or lurking.
(saw this on another post and had to share )
Sorry I can't reply in more detail. Those gators........ Someone tell me the expression please!!!
Love to all
PS. 2 more butterflies today
[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:03 AM, January 25th (Tuesday)]
No call or message from him this morning.
And me… "if we asked, they would've told".. I did ask. She said NO in a way she could have won an Oscar. Of course we all know that comment in itself is a lie.
UK.. "something still doesn’t feel right"... Humm.. If it was me yes I would snoop just like what you are doing... You have that number you can pay to know who it is.
I don't have time right now to reply individually, but let me just clarify one point:
WH's LTA did not include cd'ing or any other glaring representation of the 'extreme' porn he had been imersed in for years. Except, to say, that OW was an entitled, domineering personality who told him what to do...and he derived much pleasure from following through and pleasing her in side and outside the bedroom ~ which played right into a favorite fantasy of his: domination/submission. Other fantasies are too disturbing to mention here. Like I said before, I consider the LTA just an extension of his hidden/sexual fantasy world. It was fantasy gone 3-dimensional, in my opinion.
This is actually a good thing because if I can lump his LTA into his other behaviors which indicates a SA, then the sting is not quite so personal.
As to the comments on "if you asked I would have told you" well has anyone gotten the "I thought you knew and were ok with it" line.
That's the one my H gave me several times. And added, "she thought you couldn't be so stupid not to know." Yeah, he's f'ing lucky to still be alive after that one.
So today is my anniversary and my H hasn't said a word about it. He still has time but I'm betting he won't even mention a thing. I'm not sure if I will say anything to him until the end of the day and see what shitty excuse he gives me.
I guess I can justify it because I've told him in the past that I wasn't celebrating this day but we are 5 years out and I would like to hear something from him about this day.
which played right into a favorite fantasy of his: domination/submission
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:54 AM, January 25th (Tuesday)]
I'd love to share my H's recent ridiculously stupid comments with you but I gots to go.
Thank you for your support and concern. I am for sure going to be extra alert about things. My W does not have much unaccounted for time that could be used for any A activities. Not much time for any more than a quickie/hit & run situation. (Yes I know that to you girls, us guys are all a little too quick.) But when things seem wrong, it is time to be concerned. It is the once bitten twice shy type of thing.
I have told you all before but for a reminder and for any newbies, my W will tell me that I am way too trusting. I don't think I have ever pointed out the irony of her saying that. I have trouble not trusting people. I do get burned once in awhile but being suspicious is just not in my nature. This is kind of what disturbs me about this situation. For me to feel bad vibes is a clear indication that something is not as it should be. Most people are probably more intune to picking up the bad vibes than I am.
That was funny. It is good to see that you have much respect for your elders.
If we all had more money and time we could set up a LTA detective agency. It would be interesting to fly to UK and tail Mr. UKgirl.
STA is short term A. I know I saw that abbreviation some where. It was probably on a another infidelity board or in my dreams. Please share your H's recent comments.
You must be up to your ass in aligators! Or in you case maybe crocs. Keep those pictures comming.
I'm not a very good snoop. I don't like the idea of doing it. She does not ever use a computer except at her job. Her only e-mail that I know about is her work e-mail, we don't have text service and have no desire to even do that. My snooping options are limited. When I can remember, I check her cell recent call list sometimes, if I can remember to do that. I suck at detective work!
We all will tell you that his A was not personal. It was not about you. That said, we all will tell you that not taking the A personal is a very hard concept to grasp. Keep posting here. It will help you.
I do hope your H does something. Since you told him that you did not want to celebrate this day could he feel like he is in a no win situation? Maybe he thinks it is best to not mention it cause if he does it will make you mad.
Hugs to the tribe.
dip: the last time she did wrong was with money....did you check into the money?...i am hopin its a money thing as opposed to the other...
ukgirl: i am glad you feel better...i wish you could feel more then that though...safe, loved and cherished...
fnf: what transpired in previous years on your anniversary since d-day?...i hope he sucks it up and does something....
allgood: yes do tell...inquiring minds want to know..
laura: the alligators and the ass is not in all places american...first time i ever heard it was from dip...
genius: i agree that his lta was not about love....it was definitely to feed his sexual deviance...
i cannot say it wasn't personal...having sex is personal.....very personal...
ok, it seems that they all do stupid well...the excuses and the justifications are all as stupid as they come...kind of like only being a little bit pregnant....hello, HELLO...i said HELLO....when did fucking and sucking another a normal question to ask your spouse...on what planet is adultery acceptable....stupid is an understatement....dumbass is an understatement.....saying your retarded is an insult to those who really are because they are smarter then that....give them all the " i do stupid so well" award...yup...they all get it.... ...ok...mini rant over...
have a great day people!!
Dip: You're a smart guy, figure out a way to investigate even if it goes against your trusting nature. I am the same way, I trust too much (see my name)I agree with you, if you feel something now, when you re trusting, pay attention!!
UKgirl: Keep sleuthing. I pray that it's nothing, but Tryn makes a good point, if it proves to be nothing, trust will be stronger, so it will be worth it no matter what.
Allgood: let us know what Wh said.
Laura: Hang in there. Let us know how it's going.
Connecting the dots. You know if the dots are all over the place, and your life seems a bit chaotic, it's hard to connect them..it could just seem like spatter marks from a paintbrush that are random. And if the voice you hear that tries to explain the chaos is one you love and trust, you believe them and all seems right with the world.
It's like there was an embedded code in the randomness and we didn't see it.
You know in the cereal boxes of yore they would have a colored paper that said it had a secret message, and if you put the red cellophane "decoder" on it, you can read it? That red thing was called "skepticism" and most of us didn't have that because we loved and trusted.
We were not stupid. They say "love is blind" and I guess that is a manifestation of it.
I kept putting my blinders on all the time. I didn't want to see it, still didn't.
WH let his mask slip.
WH insists on calling on the video phone thing, and it breaks up and freezes a lot. I had some things to tell him about finances and kids...nothing earth shattering, but frustrating when WH keeps saying "what?" or I can tell he didn't understand me. So, I emailed him. No response, sometimes he'd acknowledge he got the email on the phone next day.
Anyway, he responds to another email, and writes "I love you" And in the next paragraph asks me to do something for the business.
When he calls the next day, I comment that he only responded to my email to ask for something. He starts to go on that he knew I'd make a comment like that...he shouldn't ask me to do anything blah blah and then makes fun of what I said , like a child does...repeating the thing you said in a whiney voice? KWIM? I told him I didn't like that and he says I do it to him (I DO NOT) and he doesn't care.....I stopped engaging in this childish exchange and went on to the next subject on the agenda.
His mask slipped.
I'm suddenly looking through that red cellophane decoder and it hasn't left my hand.
Through love, I think we all made excuses for bad behavior, or gave them the benefit of the doubt. I was still doing it to a degree....
Thanks for listening to this long winded post.
Love to all of you.
It is not a money issue. BTW, that was about a 1 year 4 months ago. When I told that story here I stated that I would not ever see any of that cash again. I have not seen ONE penny yet. I got one thing right so I guess I am not so dumb.
So you learned about ass & gators from me. Just think if you could hang out with me IRL. You would probably learn all kinds of stupid, useless shit.
Your mini-rant was good. Made me
has anyone gotten the "I thought you knew and were ok with it" line
If the caller withholds the number, there is nothing you can do. Our other line has the blocking facility for people who do this, so we don’t get those calls. I installed that after dday to stop the stupid silent calls from MOW. Found it also stopped all those cold calls trying to sell double glazing or a new kitchen or refinance. So something good came out of it!
I’m not sure how much snooping to do – I’d never find anything without resorting to VAR and/or GPS. He left no clues (apart from his writing, which was tucked in amongst work papers, in an old manila envelope, in an unmarked folder, between work folders, in a drawer. No wonder he forgot about it! There were the occasional hints (initials of places) in his diary and the texts/calls to her number. But his itemised billing ran to several pages, so unless I was suspicious……. And now he has his work blackberry which I have no record access to. I don’t like the thought of the VAR/GPS. Again, he’s on the phone most of his journeys – and it takes him 4hrs to get to the southern office. A GPS would be a better bet, but it just doesn’t sit well with me.
Miracle - Thanks for the mini-rant!
Nell - disappear for a while!
I dunno. Off to get dinner ready. I start my first holistic learning session tonight. Wish me luck, this could be the start of a new career!