Anyway, Strongish, I agree with M3, this is a boundary!! He is breaking a boundary. He MUST know this is a slippery slope that he cannot even be anywhere near. It's almost like an alcoholic sitting in a bar and saying it's ok I didn't have a drink!!
It's almost like an alcoholic sitting in a bar and saying it's ok I didn't have a drink!!
Look on the Wayward forum -- there's some poem about I walked by the house but didn't ring the doorbell, I walked by the house but didn't look at it, I walked by the house but I was on the other side of the street --- I WALKED DOWN A DIFFERENT STREET.
*that's* what he's got to get.
You know, I've seen a few doorbells I'd like to ring over the years myself. But I'd already learned to walk down a different street in those situations before I married WH.
he seriously does not get it, and i am so sorry....and even more sorry because if he still doesn't get it with this book he may never get til he hits the bottom...and even then who knows....
all i could say is tell him that this is a boundary....he either honors it or he doesn't...if he doesn't honor it then lines are crossed and reconcilliation will either be over, on hold or severely hindered....if he does honor the boundary it will be one more step towards you and the marriage....then let him choose for himself his direction...we cannot make them do right, they have to do right on their own....
m3: seriously he went to a basketball game when he knew you were having a mis.....how unfeeling, insensitive and totally narcisistic!!!!
allgood: welcome home and dont be so hard on yourself....i do think tho that you need to seriously figure out your boundaries...and set them out without telling him the consequences...right now you say your done, he knows your not....and there is nothing wrong with using him for sex....wish i could do that...but NOT...
hang in there honest
tryn: you know the world is quite a different place for a man then it is for a woman...yes sure some of us can move on and get new relationships...but nearly as easy as a man can....our choices are limited, and our choices are small in number,...there are many more women then there are men....and good men are even harder to find...now add in the older age and that difficulty goes up a couple of notches......it is much more then a double standard...it is the way it is....
on a somewhat funny note, i started making predictions on what pfm will copy next....and so far everything i named in my head he HAS copied.....i can't keep up tho, he adds things way faster then i can think them.....
...trying to make fun of this, make light of it...take the annoyance out of it....does not always work....more often then not i want to throw something at him....more then just the "looks".....
Maybe you should start filing your nails a lot and putting polish on them. Leave out the clear nail polish and see if he does that! (sorry, being a little snarky...)
take up knitting or crochet and see if he does that!!
do something you want him to copy, like reading some of the self help books he should read....
There are some crazy things going on for me.....the gators and crocs are at me!!!
Nice to know someone is around tonight. i am usually here on my own trying to catch up on everyone's posts.
the gators and crocs are at me
Have been reading about all the SAHMs and feeling quite jealous. When my children were small my H lost his job. He then started a business which failed and got us into a lot of debt (mainly because he didn't go to work enough - which I didn't find out about until years later!!)
I have worked all of my life. The only time I had off was 7 months with my first child and 4 months with my second. I have had some long service leave but other than that..... I never felt I had a choice. H had a low paying job (when he did get one and after the business folded) and I earnt twice as much.
Because H did shift work he often was able to look after the kids while I was at work before they were old enough to go to school. I thought we were so lucky he could do that. Of course he started his LTAs (I think ) once our youngest started school. He mostly worked evenings so I got the kids up, took them to school, went to work and when we came home at night he was at work until 11pm. It was bloody hard but I also thought I was doing what I did for the good of the family. I didn't know he was off during the day fucking his whores while I was at work. He always told me he was doing things on the farm and I never thought to question him.
This is why I am so angry. I worked hard, so f'ing hard and was exhausted all the time. Most men would appreciate what I did. He obviously didn't!!!! I wanted to be at home with the kids but we couldn't afford it. We didn't live extravagantly. Never went on fancy holidays and would often go a year or more without going to a restaurant. I didn't miss these things. I just wanted him and the children to be happy.
It really pisses me off
Little vent here
[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:14 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
When my daughter was 2 I miscarried my second child. I had the ultrasound at 2pm. H was on day shift at work. When he came home at 4pm I was distraught - told him I had to go to hospital on the following day for a D&C.
He went outside to do some chores. Came in. Had dinner. Then at about 7.30 said he had to go out to see a work mate about something. I was upset and wanted him to stay with me. He said he wouldn't be long. He was gone for almost 3 hours. I went looking for him and purely by chance saw his car parked down a side street. I went into the house and he was sitting in the lounge area talking to a woman.
He explained her away as a friend.
I bought it!!!!
Now I call her OWzero!!! I just don't know. That was 22 yrs ago.
That child was due on 14th February and would have been 21 this year. I don't ever remember him ever doing anything for me on Valentine's Day and I have never acknowledged it with him.
So honey I can really empathise. I may one day forgive him for his As but this I know I never have and never will forgive. I have (like you I suspect) learnt to live with it.
HUGS M33. I know just how you feel.
How about you start picking your nose
He thinks that just because he says so, that I should believe him.
When will these fucktards get it? The rules have changed. You can't have "innocent' friendships with people of the opposite sex now. They weren't in the past so why should we believe they are now?
I cannot believe it when my husband says "But I told you....X, Y or Z". He says it in this affronted voice like "Why don't you believe me?" He seems astounded that I don't. Why don't they get that now we know they lied for years that everything that comes out of their mouths is suspect? It needs to be analysed, considered, measured against other parameters. Nothing can be assumed any more.
Honey I'm so sorry he is doing this to you.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:30 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
I'm only up to page 32, but as I appear to have already reached the limits of my temporary memory capacity, I want to start responding:
Ats: I notice the frequency of sex with OM is the same as the frequency with you. Did you notice that too?
Honest: Keep it up. Setbacks are ok, as long as you are still mostly moving forward.
Fun: There was nothing your H could've said at the party about his coworker that wasn't going to come back to smack him right back. My H would've had the same response. Personally, I wouldn't have said anything at the party. It's too close to home for us to discuss in a public setting. I've noticed this already while discussing infidelity related issues not pertaining to me, but to public figures - my responses are way stronger than expected for normal conversation.
Laura: Maybe you could call the friend at the nursing home and tell her you want to talk to her before visiting your aunt. Take the approach that you've avoided going there because of your discomfort with the whole OW thing. Don't do it unless you can do it calmly as most people would not see this as unethical from a professional standpoint. Inappropriate, yes.
As to the topic of other BS's. I have this quandry too. I know of 1 couple where the guy has been cheating with "professionals" for years. I've wanted to tell his W since DDay, but didn't because it would cause WWIII with my H. I also haven't seen her in years.
Fun: He hasn't told you he loved you in a year?!?! Is he out of his damn mind?!? And, my H too - sex is love, affection to him too. BUt, yet it was "just sex" with OW. Interesting quandry he put himself in. And, how did your weekend go? Did you discuss retro with him again? I also think getting your ducks lined up is a great way to not only be prepared, but to be comforted knowing you are prepared. (I prepared my "exit bag" with all the necessary proof, bonds, etc. the day I found the secret phone.)
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:07 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
Ats: I notice the frequency of sex with OM is the same as the frequency with you. Did you notice that too?
Yes I have noticed that. The difference with the OM though is that sex was 2 - 4 hours alone in an afternoon or away at a hotel. They were planned and anticipated events and an effort was made make the time to be together. With me, it is 30 - 60 minutes at the end of the day before she falls asleep.
FWW rolling over at the end of a long day while wearing an old T-shirt and say I do not mind if we have sex has to be different than having her meet for a rendezvous with her best clothes on , hair and makeup all fixed up, and then having 2-4 hours to enjoy each other.
FWIW, both of her last OM also complained about wanting more time with her.
our choices are limited, and our choices are small in number
I disagree that you will not find a good partner. There are 6.8% of women stuck in depression and self pitty and will do nothing improve their situations. You fine women here can make the choice not to be one of those women.
Does it take some effort? Yes
Can it be fun? Yes
Attitude is everything!
I have two good friends single right now. These are good men looking not for just sex.. and they believe in relationships. Both thrown away by other woman. They are not Psyco and tell me about how hard it has to find a good fit. It takes time. But they also tell me of some exciting times, fun things they do, I see smiles when they tell me about some of the people they meet. One has had 6 mini-relationships in the past 14 months. 3 he really liked that rejected him, 3 he rejected after getting to know them. He had a month dry spell now have 3 women he is selecting. He laughs today because his x wife affair partner all he does is stay home playing video games.. says his kids.. What a life!
My best friend has yet to date after just ending a 2 year relationship to a woman who is addicted to prescription drugs. Now he is a catch! Thrown away by a woman who could not control herself.
In Nofun’s situation, it is glaring she needs a change if she has shared her true feelings she writes here. She has taken all the steps toward moving her life forward to be independent. Her H has said he does not want to change. If he goes to Retro, he might open his eye, understand, and make the decision to change. Retrou spends time on making decisions to change. But it is a only a weekend and he must continue the resolve moving forward.
CHANGE… I want to encourage you Nofun! I am telling you that I have seen your photo… you have a great looking family, you are attractive. The physical part will not be an issue for you! Now you also have the ability to take care of yourself financially. That is very attractive! Are you fun? Heck, that is up to you. You are checking box #2. Why?
You have the opportunity now to select a box… should you check box #3, I am confident in time with effort you will achieve a peace again. You need to put your "big girl pants" on as Nell always says.. lol.. You also can check #1 if you wish... Tell your H you need to change and need thrid party help.
Just uncheck #2 and move forward. It's not hard once you take the leap into the cold water.. It will be quick.. then, the shock will be over and warmth will fill your soul.. it you let it.
1. My spouse is working toward making me happy and has resolve to improve the marriage. I must now also work toward making my spouse happy and learn to accept what life has given me.
2. I am too afraid to change and I stay because I am afraid. I stay and continue to be unhappy in my “circumstances” but make the best of it. I choose to be around a partner that really is not a true partner. I make the choice about my life to give priorities other obligations.
3. I change my life, separate, and divorce. I work hard to achieve a new happiness and accept what life has handed me.
And BTW.. I would want my W with me if I am dying. I want her to be rubbing my arms in comfort.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:51 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
Sex is so meaningful to me. I feel and know she sometimes gives me obligatory sex and also fakes climax. She does this because she knows how important this is to me and her intention is to make sure I am satisfied. I am about to tell her to never do that to me again.
So I wrote a letter to my W that I too have tried to stop initiating. I told her healthy marriages have both initiating sex. It’s about desire or lack of desire. I told her how not initiating made me feel.. Unattractive. I’m falling into the same trap her friend fell into. I told her I need her to change. I told her I will change. I told her that I am not going to accept a life without physical touch and this is something we need to fix.
My W got hurt and shut down on me. She said she could not talk about it for 2 days. I felt afraid too but pressed on and finally forced the conversation. She said she does not like “pressure”. She mentions she has tried so hard for two years. I told her to not be afraid to tell me NO if she doesn’t feel like it… To reduce the pressure. Heck, I have no idea what "pressure" even means... I told her to tell me what she needed from me… She cannot do it, because she does not know herself. What is she doing about it? nothing so far. It must have been so stressful for her it brought on her menstrual cycle after the last on 6 months ago. She takes those no-period birth control pills.
I bought a book I am reading right now. Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can bring Desire Back Into Your Life.
In context, I realize my W’s whole life was driven by all her partner’s desires, and not hers. We’ve talked about making sure her’s is not medical related. I am going to demand she goes to the doctor so that that excuse will be eliminated. My gut says she is... As this book says.. “out of balance”... I need to keep reading.
See… Marriage is work.. everyday!
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:37 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
If it were me...and I was away from home and very sick...who would I call? who would I want to be by my side?
I am going to have think about this one - and the fact I have to probably says much
Thanks all of the tribe... it just is so good to be here even if I am not keeping up as I should.
I had complications from a surgery about 3 years after my last D-day. I was so sick they were close to flying me to a bigger hospital. They were kind of afraid I would not make the trip. My W stayed with me in the room most of the time for three or four days. Slept in a chair and all that. So I will say I would choose her to be with me at a serious time like this.
Hugs to the tribe.
If the US stays here, protects us from the Taliban and helps us rebuild our village, they will be our best friends. If they leave us now unprotected without rebuilding our village, they will be our worst enemy.
*This deep thought brought to you by the letter W.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:26 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:28 AM, January 31st (Monday)]
I immediately replaced "US" with "WS," "Taliban" with "toxic people/OW," and "village" with "marriage," and got a really deep gut-level WOW feeling
he proceeds to reassure me that he doesn't find her attractive. Like that's supposed to make me feel better!!
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:12 PM, January 31st (Monday)]