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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
Once again...I am speechless.
Your WH does NOT seem to be getting it!
No Facebook friendships with ANY women! None...zero...
unattractive or not, married or not....
he does not need any new friends!
He has had more than his share of inappropriate friends!
You should be his only friend!!
At least until you get your marriage back on track!

I'm so sorry that he is such an ass.

But, honestly , your situation is so difficult.

How do you reconcile when he is away so much of the time?

And...how do you not trigger if he had affairs with flight attendants while traveling which is what he continues to do(travel..hopefully not the other).

And..how do you reconcile if he is not available for IC or MC?

One woman that I know whose husband had a LTA was a stay at home mom and also worked for her husband on his business.
He traveled all the time for his job and she stayed home.

His LTA happened in one of the cities that he traveled to.

Since d-day she goes everywhere with him.

She does not care that his employees see this.

Her kids are grown (college age and older) so, she is able to do this.

But,basically she is his shadow and goes everywhere with him.

It has worked out well with them...she is enjoying the travel and it makes them feel even closer as they make new memories and share more experiences.

Is there any way that you could travel with your husband? at least when he goes out on his consulting jobs?

I used to do that when I was a SAHM and even later when I was teaching and had summers off.
I would load up the kids and go to all kinds of exotic locations with my husband...like Pittsburgh, Pa or Baltimore, Md. LOL

But, it was fun... maybe not the most exotic vacation locales.

I didn't have to cook, or clean..we stayed in a hotel, the kids and I got to go swimming in the hotel pool, we would shop, go to any nearby sites.

But, back to your husband's 'new' Facebook friend.

He needs a 2x4 pronto!

When is your next MC session?

And actually, I would bring all of this up with the MC.

How in the world will you ever be able to recover from the LTA if he is away all the time, works in the same environment and with the same toxic people that he did during the LTA, and if he never has time for MC or IC?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:17 PM, January 31st (Monday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the support! I'm feeling pretty beat up today so your words of encouragement have been particularly helpful. I had an IC session this afternoon that was quite emotional. I had to bring the IC up to date on FWH's stupidity but also we talked quite a bit about my "abandonment" issues from my father. Needless to say the parallels between feeling betrayed by my father (supposed to be unconditional love, was judged and punished without ever having a say in the matter) and my FWH (ditto) are obvious. I dealt with my father by keeping him at arm's length and transferring the loyalty and security I felt from him to my FWH, even before we were married. I now feel that I've been betrayed again...history repeating itself. The IC suggested I talk with the MC about it this week so that she has some reference point for my reaction to FWH's LTA. Anywho...I'm tired, cranky and have a huge headache from crying. My DS17 has a cold and we're both going to hunker down in our snuggies and watch TV for the night. Thanks for being there for me folks.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{strongish}}}}}}

I know how hard it is to try to R with someone who is not at home. I tried during false R in the beginning. It's almost next to impossible.
I hope you are feeling better and am so glad you were able to talk to IC.

I didn't take notes like I wanted to, perhaps tomorrow.
I just wanted to give hugs to everyone. So many of us are hurting and you are all in my prayers.

I have some hard decisions in the days ahead and have to roll up sleeves and get going. A lot of things are going on in the world that are affecting me personally...

Love to all.

{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: your last post actually struck a small nerve for me....i too had issues with my dad, not so sure they can be classified as abandonment, but def betrayal, and he betrayed me several times over...

when he died it was awful, i never got to hear what i so needed to hear from him and of course his betrayals could never be undone and his never acknowledging that fact was huge for me....i had long ago, long before he died reconciled myself with him....i had not forgiven him but found true acceptance and thought i was past it all, i also knew he was dying and still until he died i couldn't believe how much it affected me, not hearing what i needed....and now its pretty much the same with pfm....i am getting to the point now of acceptance, still have my moments, some big moments too.. ...but i am healing as will you....

we will all heal from this eventually, and i know this because we are here, we are not hiding our heads in the sand, we are dealing, all at our own pace, but we are dealing...and as nell does like to say we all put on our big girl and big boy pants and do what we gotta do....and that is a very important step....the road to change is a simple one, the hardest road but simple...acknowledgement, acceptance and then letting go....

acknowledgement you would think would seem so easy, but it is just as difficult as the other 2...to have to truly "see" everything there is with ourselves as well as our ws's....not easy to keep the sight, sometimes we get glimpses, but the sight is too glaring, and on go the sunglasses..taking it a little a time...


honest: i know your need for privacy which is why you cannot share the craziness i your life right now and thats ok, you have our prayers....


welcome home allgood, i hope your weekend was a good one, aside from you know what..

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

Thinking of you.

Big HUGS.

I feel close to you. Our ddays were the same. Although your was the 29th, because of my time zone, mine on the 28th was actually the same day.

I have been married 28 yrs on 30th Oct 2010. You have been married 27 yrs according to your profile.

I really do share your pain.

Love honey.

Take care of yourself.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: Good quote, good interpretation. LOVE the sponsorship joke. You are too funny!

ForgivenotForget: I'm sorry about your miscarriage - I cannot believe your H's response. What are these guys thinking?!?

((Strongish))

I spoke with H briefly and very "matter of fact-ly" yesterday acknowledging my mixed messages and attributing it to not a change in heart about the direction of our marriage, but rather the fact that the decision to move forward was made not because I don't love him and not because I don't want to be with him, but because it's what has to be done. Told him I now see that co-habitating when I still have feelings for him is not going to be possible. Same old response - he knows he wants to stay with me but doesn't know what to do. I told him that couldn't possibly be true at this point. I told him I would leave him the book he agreed to read, but I wasn't following up with him to make sure he did it, etc.
So, plenty of kid-free opportunities for him yesterday to read, but he didn't. I didn't say anything.

Now, I am just thinking about the whole reconciliation process in a different way. Just an example - I used to worry and stress about us finding time to spend with each other and would get annoyed with him that he wasn't doing the same. Wasn't our lack of a relationship one of his stated reasons for his A? I can see clearly now he had no problem with the amount of time we spent together - sure, it would be nice for us to go out once in a while, but it was basically bullshit. He really just wanted me to stop nagging him for not doing the stuff he's supposed to be doing. Other than that, he was content.
Anyway, his not starting the book just reinforces the need for me to move forward without him.

Peace to all today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood, I am sorry that he continues to not pick up the tasks to do the things that R requires. You have given him opportunity after opportunity, and a clear message of what is needed to get things rolling.

In my instance, FWW has picked up her load and started to do the things that R require. The problem may be that it will not be enough. A fear that the both of us have had is that we would get through the IC/MC, fights, self-reflection, and realize we did not want to be together. I am starting to feel that way.

I have resolved the A issues. There is rarely any real pain from the lingering thoughts, just heartache and some anger. FWW is a much healthier person in how she interacts with others, me, and herself. My problem is that when I remove the flirty, sensual, and at times childlike fun person (these were symptoms of her underlying problems) I was attracted to, I am not feeling the connection. The person she is now is nice, a great roommate, much less volatile to live with. I know she loves me and is putting an effort into connect with me, except for sex.

I was going to bring this up last Friday in MC, but the session was cancelled. She has a big event for work next week; we should have MC scheduled again for that Friday. I always liked the erotic and sensual part of my life. I missed it tremendously during her A's, I do not believe that I can be happy without it. I think that I will be resentful if I wait a few more years and then age or health causes me a problem so that I cannot enjoy sex. Her affairs robbed me of what could have been a prime of our sexual life together. Both of us were in good health, her better than in a long time. The kids were older and able to care for themselves and each other. We could have been doing mini-trips, enjoying time together on days off while they were at school. Instead, she was whoring herself out as payment for some attention and affirmation.

Now she is older, worn out, and I get the husk back and I am told to enjoy that things are much better and move on.

This is turning into a ramble, but she worked out, controlled her weight, and bought expensive clothes we could not afford during her A's. Now she never goes to the gym, struggles with her weight, and is buying clothes to save money. It is clear that there are women who find me attractive and interesting. I should not have to settle. Separation and divorce would be painful and expensive, but to find a woman like ukgirl, nofun or allgood on the other side to build a real relationship with may be worth the short-term pain. (Relax ladies, I am only using you as examples, I have seen you photos and you each can do much better than me )

My stepdaughters are already adults. I will not lose DS18, he is gone and contemplating changing his name. There is not much other than a mortgage to hold me to my former life.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:51 AM, February 1st (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snow day!! School is closed but I still have stuff to do. I envy DS17 as he will get to veg in front of the TV all day.

A fear that the both of us have had is that we would get through the IC/MC, fights, self-reflection, and realize we did not want to be together. I am starting to feel that way.

ATS - This is pretty much how I'm feeling now. When FWH tells me of his "vision" of our retirement, it doesn't sound at all attractive to me. I have little to no attraction to him sexually now (other than the HB we had soon after DDay). I haven't felt that for quite some time (years) and my MD told me at my last visit to get a refill of Xanax, that that was because I have not felt an emotional connection to FWH for quite some time. So, believe me when I say that I have the same fear that you do.

Miracle - Sounds like we do have similar stories with our Dads. My Dad is still here, lives a few towns over and is a part of our life, superficially. I have made my peace with him but will never give him (or my mother) the power to hurt me again. He is great with my kids and for that I'm grateful. For that reason alone I tolerate him.

Laura - Yes, I've thought of the parallels between our situations several times. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone that will "listen" when I need to vent.

Honest - Hang in there sweetie! I"m thinking of you and sending you strength. You can do this!! (whatever it is you need to do!

Stay warm everyone!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because I have not felt an emotional connection to FWH for quite some time.

This is what was going on with me too pre-DDay. In fact, I remember being quite surprised when I became pregnant as we just weren't having sex all that often. You know what tho, I told my H that was the case. I told him that it was hard to be interested in sex when I feel like we had no emotional connection. He told me that it was hard for him to feel emotionally close to someone that he's not having sex with on a regular basis. (We still had Ats beat tho). I told him I felt like everything was left to me, that we weren't a team, etc. He did nothing to change that.

I am officialy in "Go F yourself mode." This does not bode well for Mr. Allgood.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 10:04 AM, February 1st (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A fear that the both of us have had is that we would get through the IC/MC, fights, self-reflection, and realize we did not want to be together. I am starting to feel that way.

Ats, when I read this, I felt it was so bittersweet. But, in the long run, it is a good thing. No matter what, you know that you worked your hardest to save the M. All your hard work also helped your FWW. You both tried and you are healing from the A. All that work DID have a good outcome.
For this time, take your own advice that you did in the past: if you still feel this way in 2 months time, it will help you in your decision.

Also, from what you have described, I think your FWW is in a depression.

Allgood, I am so sorry that your WH is not picking up the ball and getting moving. His defeatist attitude is still there. It's almost as if he feels that even if he wants to save the M, it's too late no matter what he does, so he does nothing.
IDIOT.

Nofun, I think you should try Retro now as your last resort. If it doesn't work to wake up WH, you will know what to do with a clear conscience.

I'll be back later to make more notes.

Hang in there everyone.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Honest.
Me and Mr. Allgood got into it this am. Something stupid - a conversation about how much cash he needed for the week and he was almost indignant with me, like he took offense that I was controlling how much money he was getting, when in reality, I was the one doing him a favor by trying to get him what he needed for the week. (Ok - there was a bit more sass in it on my part to start - like I gave him more than usual and he responded by saying he needed more because of x,y and z). The terms of the conversation really are irrelevant - once I realized there was a misunderstanding I clarified my statement, but his attitude continued and I called him out on it.
Just like Ats said - there are issues that are there beyond A stuff that is always going to be there. A chronic lack of respect I would say was present throughout our marriage. In happier times it didn't surface as often, but it was there.
Hence, the official "Go F urself" mode. And, the funny thing is, he probably doesn't realize exactly how bitchy I can become. I just got renewed interest in preparing the agreement, which I pointed out to him - that here he is giving me shit about money when he is supposedly interested in saving our marriage - what can I expect when our marriage is done?

And Ats - I second what Honest said. Keep these thoughts in your back pocket for awhile. I think it's a good idea to discuss in MC/IC, tho be prepared for what your W's response is going to be (it won't be good). But, don't act on this just yet.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How in the world will you ever be able to recover from the LTA if he is away all the time, works in the same environment and with the same toxic people that he did during the LTA, and if he never has time for MC or IC?

Njgal -- Strongish will recover from the LTA just fine, no matter what.

However, if the rest of your statement above remains true, her marriage will not.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
I hope you are doing better today.

ats,
I'm so sorry to hear about your feelings today. Is this a dip in the rollercoaster or an always-there issue that you're voicing right now? You seemed to have been enjoying your FWW's company lately, except for the lack of sex. (And as I've said all I have to say on the subject, I will say nothing else.)

Allgood,
Does your WH feel entitled to a good M and isn't working on it because he just feels it should exist? Not an excuse, but I wonder if that would help you to understand the recurring "then WHY WON'T YOU DO ANYTHING" question that keeps you all jumbled up.

strongish,
how are you today?

(((tribe)))
I started to hug individuals then got worried that I would forget someone!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,
She married some other guy behind WH's back and got pregnant, so he started dating me because I was a lot younger, hotter, had a better job, etc.

I never looked at or saw your sich in this light. What an awful perception. (m334455)


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your WH feel entitled to a good M and isn't working on it because he just feels it should exist?

Yes, I would say that's accurate. I have tried to explain that everything is different now and things need to be re-built, to no avail.

Actually, I distinctly remember saying to him that if he found I had F-d someone else, fo rjust one night - he wouldn't even try to reconcile. So, why would he think that reconciling after his lengthy affair (I feel bad saying LTA since it was "only" 1 1/2 years) would be as easy as us just spending more time together?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

today is a perfect example of classic FWW...

She needed a new dress for her event next week. A couple of weeks ago while out of town we stopped at a store to get a dress she had seen earlier, but had not bought. It looks good on her and the price was very good.

Later she saw a dress in town she thought she might like better. She asked me to go look at it with her. I was happy to, but before we could go, stepdaughter came to visit. She asked SD about the dress, SD did not even see it, but told FWW it cost too much and she could get it cheaper elsewhere. So FWW decides she does not want the dress, I do not need to look at it.

Last night we looked at some dresses while running errands, but nothing she liked. So FWW decides she does want me to look at the dress, and we scheduled to go tonight. Today she went with co-workers to see the dress. They told her it was great, so she bought it.

It is classic her that she likes or does not like the dress dependant on the opinions of others. Even her DD who had never seen the dress! She texted me now feeling guilty about "... hurting your feelings since I asked you to go with me tonight." I am so used to her leaving me out of plans when it is convenient that it really is not a problem. I do resent that I will have to deal with her feeling guilty and needy tonight because of her issue.

MC is this Friday, not next. I think that is good.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that it makes a difference, but when you guys started talking about what your future holds with your spouses, it reminded me how I always dreaded the end of my H's career. I knew it would involve him working nights (which is typically a bunch of single, party-types) for a few years before he actually retired, then after he retired, I always worried he would gravitate to bartending, etc. as his "new career".

Now, in a post DDay reality, just a few years from his retirement, this is not something that was going to be acceptable.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455,
She married some other guy behind WH's back and got pregnant, so he started dating me because I was a lot younger, hotter, had a better job, etc.
I never looked at or saw your sich in this light. What an awful perception. (m334455)

yep. then again, I might be way off. That's the problem with rug-sweeping: your BS can probably come up with much worse than what actually happened/was felt/ etc.

Allgood -- I have no vision of my future. I'm lucky if I have a vision of what to make for lunch.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peanut Butter sandwich, coffee and Cheez-its, BTW.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peanut Butter sandwich, coffee and Cheez-its, BTW

Grilled Chicken with broccoli rabe and hot cherry tomatoes.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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