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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
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Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, just keep getting all your papers ready and getting everything together. As you know, you don't have to file right away and can see if reading the book helps WH's attitude at all.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope your husband did pick up the book and read it and didn't just move it by accident!
You have to start somewhere...maybe reading that book will get him to start seeing things from a different perspective.

I think that your gut instinct may be correct. I think that (from what you describe)your wife sounds oddly detached and disengaged.
It sounds like an awful lot of excuses for not doing something together.
You can go to a Saturday or Sunday movie matinee and out for a nice lunch together...
you can go out for dinner on the Sunday after her event...
the weekend does have two days in it.
and..about the idea of taking a day off from work to spend some time together.... one is that important that they can't take a day off from work!

Trust me... the office will survive without her presence for one day!

Even the President takes a day off!

You may be imagining stuff about her reaction to being in OMs hometown. It could be that she was stressed out because she was anticipating you triggering.
My husband gets that way if we need to drive through OW's hometown and he never had any contact with her there! I think he is worried about me triggering and I think he may be worried about seeing the OW walking down the street!
so, it may have nothing to do with anything that happened there.

About the marathon sex...I agree with Allgood-it's highly she said they may have had the room for that length of time but they were not engaged in sx for that length of time.

I do wish that your wife would up her enthusiasm a bit though.
If she initiated suggestions for date nights I think that would make a big difference for you.

Does she see a IC? do you think she has chronic depression? do you think her angina could be stress related?

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - and for the record - I haven't discussed our relationship with my H since Mon am and even then, it was just real brief.

It's been very hard for me to not ask him about the book, etc. especially when I see all the ways he uses his time that could be better spent on the book.

I've also had nothing but non-necessary conversation with him since then.

It's been a long 2 days. Lol.

Also - someone posted something in General about Rabbi Smuley (no idea how to spell that). It was good. Check it out.

Ok. Seriously got to go now. Stay safe all my Northeasterners.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did discuss Retro with H this weekend. He said it would probably be a waste of his time and that he would walk out if he became uncomfortable.

We talked for hours on end about the lack of intimacy and the lack of emotional support from him. He said he is trying but it is hard for him. I don't see where he is trying but he thinks he is. He really doesn't get it and he probably never will.

I'm not sure even Retro will work. I'm still planning just in case and we actually talked about separating.

He said he has put off retiring because he's unsure what will happen with his M.

What a mess!!

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i agree with allgood i think you need to chill a bit....

and maybe just maybe she was stressed out about taking this stress test???? or she is just stressed in general, lets see...her marriage is in trouble, her mom just died not to long ago, work is crazy for her and her son is making crazy....

sometimes ats life is hectic, messy and gets in the way of pretty much whatever it is you got goin on......

now if this continues, her busy season comes to an end, your son puts his brain in drive instead of reverse and she still continues to seem detached...well then i would say you have an issue that needs to be renegotiated....

allgood:i hope he is reading....thats all i could say right now...i hope he is smart enough keeps his brain in drive and goes the distance...

nell: is your ws in ic....he needs it desperately, he also seems to have an issue with empathy for you....he has some sever tunnel vision and the only thing he seems to see at the end of this tunnel is himself getting whatever it is he seems to be reaching for....but yet because he seems stuck in this tunnel he has no access to the tools he needs to really get to the other end...

dip: hold onto your hat are women can be complicated!!! .....our needs are not superficial and any woman who claims her needs are must be a man in disguise...but our desires are totally another matter....and our desires love all that superficial crap provided of course that the needs are already taken care of....

does that clear it up for ya??


what was your before like?

and i am praying that your wife gets a good result...

honest: still praying for you with that other hearing about you and your boys, you are a really good mom...

i try all the time not to allgood, the lip just does not want to stay zipped all the time...i am getting better at it though....

m3: i cannot believe all you have gone through...and more then that i cannot believe all you put up with....your ws is right up there with the rest of the ws's who were shitty husbands before, during and after...!!!

sometimes i reflect on all i put up with and cannot believe how much i did put up with...any other sane person would have handed pfm his hat years upon years ago....damned being in is not supposed to hurt....well it does when you are the only one who is actively loving the other....and the other (ws) is actively loving op's, foo, job...pretty much anything that will distract him from who he is not in the eyes of the bs...

fun: i actually like your husbands response...he is saying he will try it, he is not promising you anything cept trying...and that is as honest as one can get....and i love that the 2 of you talked, even if it ended up in circles...considering that the man does not talk, this is it fun...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my before is the same as my after - 5 yrs in monastry

might have to join one of the orders that make beer, wine & spirits! do monks grill ?

[This message edited by deeppurple at 11:46 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]

Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage monks grill?

Lol deeppurple!! I hope things are going better for you. You can always vent here.

Dip: Ok, let me see if I can explain.....
Many women like flowers, and other things like that because it SYMBOLIZES to them the love her man has for her. Just like the wedding ring symbolizes marriage and love. It's not just a superficial thing.

The fact that someone bought me a little trinket in their daily routine, even if it's a small bag of M & M's (my favorite) SYMBOLIZES that they THOUGHT of me.

I'll give you an example: When DS#2 was around 17, he had a hobby/job of installing car stereos and even entering contests. He was outside cutting wood without safety goggles. I chided him about it and he said that his broke. The next day I happened to be in Sears, and lo and behold, they were selling them for a couple of bucks right next to the cashier. When I came home, I told DS I had something for him and tossed the goggles to him.

Well, he was so grateful and smiled ear to ear and was so happy!!

WHY? For a couple of bucks? Because he knew I remembered him, I thought about him, he was a priority.

That's why women like to get flowers or some other trinkets here and just is something that says, "I was thinking about you"

I also know that guys like this kind of thing too. Not flowers, but WH likes this certain kind of candy and I'll pick it up if I see it.

Little things can mean a lot.

The problem is, so many BS's were continuing to do this, and it didn't seem to matter.

LOL, I guess I'm talking about "normal" or at least "semi-normal" people!!

{Sending flowers to everyone, even you, Dip!!!}


ETA: Laura, check in if you can..... I hope you and your family are safe with that horrible storm!!

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:53 AM, February 3rd (Thursday)]

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all


Yes we are safe. A very long way away from the area hit. But thousands have lost their homes and businesses and crops are decimated.

Fortunately I don't think there has been any loss of life. Keep the aussies in your prayers people.

I also used to buy thoughtful bits and pieces for my H. I think this was another reason I felt so hurt by his As. I thought about his needs and what he liked and tried to do and buy things to please him. Still do. But he didn't then and doesn't now seem to notice. Perhaps it's that sense of entitlement???

After dday he did this for me and even bought me flowers a half dozen times.

Unfortunately this has now stopped. I hope it is not a sign of the future.

Dips, Ats, Tryn, DP and any other gentlemen lurkers.

Buy your wives flowers. We love them. We NEVER get tired of getting them. They don't have to be expensive or showy, as honest said it is the thought!!! The idea that my H thinks about me when we are apart and makes the effort to get them means more than so many of the things he says. Words are easy. Actions are so much more powerful.


Keep talking to us. You have been quiet lately and it's great to see you back. We are here for you.

I want to give everyone HUGS. BIG HUGS. I don't want to single anyone out for fear of missing someone. I know you are all suffering and/or angry each in your own sich. I am going through a period of relative peace (touch wood) but I think of you all each day. I often try to think of helpful advice but often someone else has given similar advice. I wish I knew the words to help you all. I can't wait to get on the computer each morning to see how you all are and go straight to SI when I get home from work and last thing before bed.

I hope it helps to know I am thinking of you all. I know it helps me to know you are there for me.

Hope you are all ok


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost forgot

Crazy as it seems temperatures have reached over 96 each day here this week with over 100 forecast for the weekend.

And our air con hasn't been working for the last 6 weeks. They can't work out what's wrong!!!!


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.

Fun: Now, if my H said that it was a waste of time (which is what he said, lol) and he would walk out if he felt uncomfortable this would be code for he's not going. Is your H nonetheless willing to go despite his pessimism? And I agree with Miracle that he engaged in the conversation (did he actually contribute?) for hours is good.

Personally, I finished my budget and I'm in good shape. H will be ok too. Not great, I can't see how he could afford anything but a small apartment, but it's do-able. It was reassuring that I can keep this house going, etc. without asking my H to do more than what a court would require anyway.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH brought up my anxiety. Yay! Things deteriorated rapidly from there, of course. Miracle, I agree with everything you said, and I've told WH exactly that and brought up the empathy thing again last night. He doesn't have any unless the person in front of him is in histrionics. That's just so not me! So he asked me what a "friend of the marriage" meant (when I said I would like for him to make his evil twin a friend of the marriage). Then said that evil twin IS a friend of the marriage by a definition that he created to make those two things mutually inclusive. Then said he can't FORCE evil twin to do anything. Then said that if I wanted evil twin to be my friend, then I had to be his friend. Then he did the whole "well, YOU don't have any friends of the marriage EITHER." Then, when I couldn't take it anymore and screamed at him, THEN he gave me sympathy (it wasn't empathy, it was sympathy for the histrionics) and told me how he meant something far less assholey than he said/did, which wasn't even the same topic, as it's difficult to recover "you're a hypocrite and you're mean" and make it fuzzy and warm. It was exactly as expected, and it's wholly stupid.

He thinks he understands me. I disagree. Finally he asked me something about myself (after I asked him first and he felt like he had to... there were two follow-up questions... it was stilted and ridiculous and forced but at least he did what he had previously been told to do) and I told him something about my dad, but I didn't use words like "MOLEST" or "ABUSE" (because it wasn't either... more like neglect) so it didn't hold his attention.

I eventually told him that I decided to try to be open with him about negative feelings, and as he cannot deal with anything negative, I will keep those things to myself or get help from my friends.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 7:19 AM, February 3rd (Thursday)]

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun… Your H is wrong. If he goes, takes some time to write a few letters, his feelings, and you do the same thing too… then in time, you will understand each other’s feelings and can start to rebuild. Intimacy is built on open feelings. Do you feel you can sing this to your H?

Maybe you buy this song and have him listen to it…

... communications… and Retrou is a proven way… the key. I am sure you both once had this.. how long ago was that?

Let’s see.. Married for 34 years and He thinks a weekend trying something different to try and save his marriage is not worth it the time or effort? Obviously what he is doing is not working. Nope. He’s painted soul into his guard..He’s got to pull back his shield….

You guys are coming up on 2 years. It is time for something to change. Sometimes, people just need a fresh start. Like a bankruptcy in the financial world… At some point, you cannot control his own decisions and it is time. All you could do is ask. I wish you strength.

ATS.. Allgood and Iwant seem to be on target for me too.. I hear you saying… you need the love of Quality Time… You need the love of physical touch…

Ms Ats. It gives me much pride to have a wife as such a hard worker. The money you earn gives me great sense of security and you working is very important to me in my comfort. I also feel some loneliness when you work so much. You spending quality time with me makes me feel desired, like I am important. I think about our good conversation at times when you are not present..(TELL ALL YOU FEEL.. compare it to something’s she can relate to… ) Remember that time when we spent time together and how you felt at the boat parade.. I want us to feel the same every week. I’m asking you to please spend more quality time with me…

The wrong way – You Don’t love me because you want to spend time in OM city you miss him, you hate being around me so you purposely schedule more work. AND on top of that you don’t want to sex me. (I know you are not like that but you get my meaning)

With 100% certainty, When you can have a open relationship sharing only feelings.. in a positive way, you can somehow begin to feel closer together. She is “out of balance” with wanting to have sex. She is going to need to do some work on that… I am reading a good book about that right now and might be able to share so ideas about that soon.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:28 AM, February 3rd (Thursday)]

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(when I said I would like for him to make his evil twin a friend of the marriage).

this is not something anyone can do to or for another....the twin is either a friend or he is not...its up to your husband to set the boundaries for his twin to abide by, if the twin opts not to follow these boundaries then he should be asked to leave the home....all visits from there on out would need to be superficial conversation, keeping him at a distance from the marriage....this would be something your husband would have to do willingly and without regret....and i do not think he is there yet....but you nell can most certainly put a foot down of can refuse to house him in your home, you can refuse to feed him or make conversation with him, keeping your distance.....

laura: i am still praying for the aussies...the devastation your country has undergone recently is HUGE.....

and i feel as you do, first chance i get i check in on the lta board....if i have time i respond, i check in actually as much as i can, i feel addicted to it...the support i feel is beyond words....and the peeps on this forum in particular are the most loving individuals...supportive....ggiving....and positive towards one another, even when we swing the occasional marshmallow 2x4...


might have to join one of the orders that make beer, wine & spirits

will you give us a discount?

seriously though, you do not share alot and we are here if you choose to change that....keep yourself connected to someone, whether it be someone irl or here on the not isolate proactive and do what you gotta do to heal....

and also whats the story with work, have you found another job yet?

allgood: i am glad the numbers worked out well for you....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
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Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Damned if you do & damaned if you don't. I can relate to that. Of course dealing with the BPD sometimes means that nothing is ever good enough. Thanks for the book recommendation. Now about that getting lost deal. I have never been lost. Sure sometimes I may get on the wrong road, but I never get lost.


You need to remember that sometimes the stress level can really be hard on some people. They just have a very hard time being able to handle it. My W stresses out over things that others do not even notice. It takes a toll on life.


Ponytail, T-shirt and jeans! Now what is wrong with that? It sounds relaxed and comfortable to me.


Very clear. I can see that I need to nod my head and agree with everything and give a bunch of these. and some of these.

If we came with instruction books, the one for us guys would be one page with a`sentence or two. You complicated girls would require several volumes kind of like a encyclopedia.


It is the thought that counts and not the cost. In most cases, but not all. My W really does like flowers, but she does not like for the money to be spent on them. She would rather I get her some other gift that would last longer. I learned this a long time ago. Candles, body lotion, fancy soaps & fancy room sprays are a big deal to her. She likes gold & diamonds but I let her pick things like that out. It is good that you pointed out all these things pertain to the normal/semi-normal people that we all are here at the LTA house. I think most here are normal. I know at least one who is in the semi range. Thanks for the flowers. I will not grill them.


Monks grilling? Someone need to research this. I hope the test turns out good for your W. We have been through this three times here at my house. They were just cysts in her case. It is a scary thing.

Hugs to the tribe.

Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A

Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i cannot believe all you have gone through...and more then that i cannot believe all you put up with....your ws is right up there with the rest of the ws's who were shitty husbands before, during and after...!!!

He's trying. It's just, he's like a dog that bites with no warning. I had one of those. Vet said I should put him down, but I literally gave him to a trainer who had a farm. That guy probably put him down when I left.

Look -- we all know I'm bipolar (or we do now!) And this is all part and parcel of that. First, you screw up and party royally. Next, you realize you have a problem. Third, you spend a huge amount of time and money tracking your moods, sleep, diet, medication schedule, etc. to get yourself stable physically/mentally. Fourth, you work on fixing all your screwed up thinking, habits, addictions. Fifth, you work on fixing everything you screwed up before you figured out you had a major problem. This part is exhausting because you're basically doing double at all times -- trying to keep up with now and also catch up from then. Finally, you boot everything that is unhealthy and can't be fixed out of your life.

It's basically declaring bankruptcy on your whole life. Like -- here is the giant list of "debts" (some literal, some figurative) and you list them out and the "court" says -- pay back X, Y, and Z, sell A, B, and C, and you're not responsible for the rest.

When you're bipolar, you get into debt. You get involved with toxic people. You develop addictions. You have babies out of wedlock... etc.

And it takes a LOT to fix that. And part of fixing that is booting some people out of your life.

So, I got myself into this mess. I put up with some stupid shit because of my own FOO and mental illness -- BUT I'm well. So that part is over. Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to keep up at work, live within my means, pay back debts, work full time and care for 4 very small children . . . and who needs to be booted out of my life.

Booting OW out of my life has been SPECTACULAR. Hopefully, NC has been maintained and WH really did boot her out too, but either way, she's been out of my face for well over a year and it's great. I can't believe how toxic she is/was. She's Honest's mom, LOL.

BTW -- ((honest))

Anyway -- don't feel too sorry for me. I brought this on myself and I'm fixing it. You can't really help having a mental illness, but you certainly have control over how you treat it.

Anyway, it's amazingly overwhelming and now I'm sure some of you see why many people who are bipolar never get better. Somedays it just feels like it would be easier to admit defeat and say you're a screw up.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

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Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


And this is all part and parcel of that.

while your choice of marrying this man way back when and your choice of staying with this man way back when have nothing, aboslutely NOTHING to do with do not have to settle for any of his while i understand you have 4 small kids and debt that is incurred that is no reason not to plan for a future without this man...and dealing with him only when it comes to parenting...

m3 even if you have to stay with this man in order to protect your kids you do not have so settle for set your sites higher on a future goal and work towards it....and you do what you gotta do now, but live for what will be as soon as you know that your children will be safe in what you do....

just because you are bipolar does not mean that you have to live with every choice...choice can always be changed...and yes i understand that there are certain things you will have to deal with such as being tied to this man forever because of your children...but those ties change with time and age of the kids....

stop selling yourself short, you are an amazing woman and i know you know that on some level, you need to know that at every level...KKKKK

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455, I really liked your summarized process for cleaning up and clearing out a life.

DP, nice to have you back on the board, how are things going for you? I was a grill monkey once, but I do not think that is the kind of monk you are referring to.

Later this afternoon I will be writing out 100 times "Talk with your wife when you are struggling with the relationship" Last night she initiated talking about us, explaining some details of what she was feeling yesterday. Rather than wait until MC tomorrow, I raised the issues of still wondering about left out details from her A and us not having sex in the last month. She is much stronger than she was, and she hung in through our conversation. No solutions, but we both talked about how we felt. She did not become defensive or dismissive. In a summary, she is trying to learn how to do an intimate relationship from the ground up, and she is trying. She says that she has discussed the sex issue with our C, and she encouraged me to ask him about it in MC tomorrow. My impression is that as she has been working through her life in IC, her having been raped and sexually abused have become more significant issues in her life. After providing sex because it was expected or she felt obligated, she does not want to have sex now unless she feels like sex. She acknowledged that I am paying the penalty for others' past treatment of her. This morning she was quiet, but later set up to meet me for lunch. At lunch, she spoke more of the triggers she is dealing with. For instance, we met for lunch at a strip mall anchored by a grocery store. When she would meet OM to go to his house, he would pick her up in the parking lot for a different grocery, but the same chain. Meeting me at the parking lot arriving in a separate vehicle, and then us leaving separately brought back memories for her of meeting with OM to go to his house. She said that she wanted to see me after a difficult week, and that she wanted me to know it was OK to raise issues with her and that she would not be mad.

TrynHard, I paraphrased your words about her work, especially the extra work. She agrees, and she is cutting back on weight watchers now, and is considering not working for them so that she can focus on her primary job and have more time for us.

Thanks for all who commented back yesterday and today. It really helped to get it out in writing, and helped even more to talk with my wife


FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

way to go mr and mrs ats...

and ats...did you ever think that she may be recreating some of the similar circumstances that she had with om to reclaim them with you....might be good for you too.....reclaim everything, take your power back every single morsel....

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good afternoon everyone. Laura, keeping you and your fellow Aussies in my thoughts. You have had a tough winter weather-wise.

Ats - Sounds like you and your WW are taking two steps forward, one step back. That beats the opposite, right? Don't beat yourself up for not getting every single thing right, instead concentrate on the things that two of you have gotten right in the past few months. I haven't been here too long, but even I can tell that you are light years away from where you were a few months ago.

I checked out the writings of Rabbi Shumley in General. Very, very insightful. I sent a link to FWH with the whole topic, but also cut and pasted some passages that were very important to me. It helps when I can find something that puts into words some of my feelings as I'm not very good at it myself. So, while there are some things that he wrote that I don't necessarily agree with, there were some things he says that were spot on for my sich.

I've been feeling weepy all day. FWH is due home tonight so that's about par for the course. We're on Snow Day #3 school again and we're supposed to get another 1-3" tonight. Sheesh!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...she may be recreating some of the similar circumstances that she had with om to reclaim them with you.

We actually talked about this at lunch. For the last 5-6 years, we almost never met for lunch, and so it does feel different and of course, we both think of her and OM meeting. We agreed that as we do this more we will have fun breaks in our day, and this will eventually become a normal feeling thing that we do.

Another thing we talked about is that she often tells me how guilty she feels for marrying me and hurting me with the affairs, and the TT. I told her that hearing her say she feels guilty does not help me. Rather than be happy that she is feeling guilty, I feel badly for her (yes the co-dependency sneaks out), and wonder if she would feel less guilt, and therefore feel better, if we divorced. I asked her instead to express this as telling me that she appreciates me standing by her through all of this. Reframing in this manner reinforces for me that she wants me and values me. She agreed that she could work on doing this.

FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09

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