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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Yay!!!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - Ive been quiet - struggling with me, my co -depedancy, the abandonment by my WW,just dealing with life in general - it truely sucks.
I dont seem to be making much progress with IC - my emotional tank is totally empty.
Not rushing the job thing but time is running out there as well.

Take care Tribe.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple... Time for you to find a new IC. Someone new to give you new ideas. You are allowing self-defeating thoughts enter and overtake you. Part of solving this will be you saying to yourself.. OK, what are my resources, what do I have in my life that is working? Who are my healthy supporters? What do I know? what am I good at? Get a grip on everything positive about yourself. It's time to bounce back.

See you are still in mourning and you need to pull yourself out of this brother... Loss is a natural part of the cycle of life. Loss does not have to be the end.. It can be the beginning!

The problem is this stuff never just falls in your lap.. You have to go get it.

I know somebody out in the workforce is saying.. Damn, I wish I could find a good man.. none out there... little did they know you are the prime candidate. Keep looking everyday.. Take the first offer to come along!

Here are some action steps...
- Adjust your expectations..
- Accept what you cannot change
- Find strenght in others.. Why the heck are you so quiet here? We have some powerful people on this thread always willing to help
- DON'T GET STUCK! That last post sounded like you are stuck... Time to get unstuck..
- Recognize that time is finite. Think about how you need to take advantage of everyday! We think love is everyday.. people die, people cheat, people leave us move away...
- Create Value from this experience.. Get your JOB and DUMP your wife. Iwant just pointed out the women outnumber us what? 54 to 46! some woman is waiting to love all over your ass and you are waiting! She's waiting for you to call!
- Celebrate Life! Be happy with what you had with your STBXW with those wonderful memories and kids.. no go make some new one...

You can do this brother. The past is over the future hasn't happened yet!

Hold your head high man.. You are a good man. You are a gentleman. You have youth...

The better days are in front of you... You need to be different then right now. You have to do different and that includes your thinking.

Rush with that job.. This will give you independance.

The feelings you will have when someone new see all you have to offer and starts to pursue you will be like utopia, non stop thoughts, You’ll be touching someone new, learning what they like and don’t like.. they will be wanting to see you all the time, they will say great things about how great you are, they will want so bad all kinds of wet stuff will be going on.. It will be a heck of lot better than any Dip barbeque! (No offence dip) Go get it man.. I somewhat envy you… Newness is the greatest feeling in the world.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:52 PM, February 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: i am so sorry you are feeling so weepy...

i get the sense that when he is due home you are conflicted with:

-i am glad he's home (i know where he is and who he is not with)
-when he gets home, will it be more of the same, just a different day
-are my expectations realistic for him and us
-are my expectations in general within the normal spectrum
-am i insane for doing this, whatever this is...

or

-i know he will not do what i need..he will be here and not do what i need for him to do to make this work...

i basically get the sense that you are all over the place and very angry and hurt most of the time, and more for what he is not doing now then what he did then....

i could be way off base, wouldn't be the first time for me to be way off...

anyways...i think you need to develop some kind of mantra for yourself so that your expectations are not crushed....and remember this is a journey and its a really really long one no matter which way you go....long term recovery no matter which way it goes...

do you have any hobbies, or passions that bring you happiness....if not find one....sometimes it helps to lose oneself in something they love, it takes a really big edge off of a really sharp place, kwim...

deeppurple: i loved what tryn has told you...being proactive is the best thing you can do for yourself...its actually the best thing for all of us...the more proactive one is, the faster this journey gets, the closer you get to healing...

healing does not just happen, it has to be made, nurtured and allowed to grow and mature to become a life experience that was and no longer "is"....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:31 PM, February 3rd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun-
Just wondering...was your husband always so distant and detached?
what was he like pre-LTA? what was he like during the LTA?
Is he worse now post d-day?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks Mireacle...yep, you hit the nail on the head. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is. Honestly, I think I'm looking for an excuse to S. Why I think I need an excuse is a puzzlement to me. But, overall, the thought of staying in this M is very depressing. If he can't be there for me when I'm having the biggest crisis of my life, then what can I expect in the future? There's more but I'm just too tired to think anymore tonight. I'm heading out on to the icy roads to pick up FWH from the airport. Time to put my game face on.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong:

If he can't be there for me when I'm having the biggest crisis of my life, then what can I expect in the future?

this one is a bit tricky...first off the biggest crisis in your life was his doing, and second he is right now incapable of fixing this....now no one could ever truly "fix" this, but one can do the very best that they can to dig it out of the very deep hole...and right now your ws is incapable...he first has to admit and acknowledge all that he has done, with both the betrayals and the manner in which he behaved towards you throughout your marriage...and until you feel that he truly gets what he has done from the beginning you will never feel safe...

and i don't think you really want to separate, i think you really want him to step up and prove himself to you, to make you feel like you are so worth it....but you need to realize that you are worth it, he just is incapably of showing you...he needs to get to bottom of who he is and what makes him tick...is he willing?...only he can answer that...

and a good ic would be in order to help him....books too like not just friends would also be a good start....

for people like us who had a shitty marriage in the first place, it makes it that much harder to move forward together....we feel so much more put upon, we put up with so much...for what??? definitely not this...thats for sure....

and i don't think you need to have a game face with him, your kids, others, but not him...he needs to "see" what his actions have done....does not mean that you have to rail him all the time, but you should not have to put on a show if you do not feel it..


(((strong)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

test results came back clear


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep purple: I'm glad to hear that the test came back clear!! Good news!

Strong, My IC said that it was hard for me to R (when it was false R) because each time WH left, it was saying good bye all over again, and the cycle would keep repeating itself. There is no continuity. I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish there was a way that you guys could spend more time together to work towards R. Does WH have a vacation coming up?

Ats: Yeah for Mrs. Ats. You guys are really doing a lot of hard work together, and it seems that your FWW is starting to help you too, or at least she is trying and she seems to be learning about herself, relationships, and you. She is so lucky to have you!

Dip, you made me laugh when you said you weren't going to grill the flowers!

{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp

So happy for you. I had a scare a couple of years ago and my sister had a double mastectomy so i know how scary it is. So pleased all is OK.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple.. do you have a dream about the future? What is it?

Ok ats.. After finishing my book... This is the key to a healthy sex relationship with your W.. can you take this to you IC for explaination?



Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol, the key to healthy sex in relationship is going tubing on the river?

I will be bringing the topic up this morning, but I may wait until I get a chance with the book to take the drawing in.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well ats.. You now understand... Yep... Exactly like tubing....

Feeling fun, having fun, the thrills of riding.. riding behind a boat at high speeds, jumping around, the wind at your face, water splashing you in places that feels like something not felt before..

Yep, this is only fun if you are not forced to jump in that water.. not pushed to tube, and you want to tube... You want to tube.. you have all postive feelings.... You Climax...

Something from the books...

Consider sexual desire as a positive emotional state. Wanting, desiring and anticipating pleasure and connection can be wonder… Whereas feeling obligated, duty-bound, and stressed is depressing and passion-defeating

The book tells women how they can get that desire back.. How they can want to jumb back on that tube....

HOW?

SEXERCISES

Hummm Kegels....

I guess I should say the book also says.. When a woman says NO, they are "out of balance."
The Q's that effect balance...
- am I happy with my life
- am I happy with the way I look
and the thoughts...
- I am the workhorse
- My partner is too needy
- My partner is a jerk.. lol

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:12 AM, February 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

Remember that you need to have some patience when dealing with your W and all that she is trying to overcome. It is not easy for either of you and I understand how you feel. She seems to be working at all of this pretty hard. Your comment about how you think you are co-dependent because you feel sorry for her makes me wonder. Maybe you are just feeling empathy. Having empathy for someone is a good thing. You are doing good ats. Keep at it. BTW. Having sex on a tube on the river is not as easy as it sounds.

DP

That is great news about the test.

Honest.

I would grill flowers if I was hungery enough.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the key to healthy sex in relationship is going tubing on the river?

BTW. Having sex on a tube on the river is not as easy as it sounds.


DP: Glad the results came back good.

((Strongish))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now Dip if we turn the "flower" to "flour" we could have tortillas or bread or

pancakes!!

Ok, I'm being silly.

Tryn, thank you for all your great advice. I had to look at your chart several times before I understood it!! I think I'm getting old!!

Laura, I hope your ac gets fixed soon. It's so hard to imagine the difference in temperature when last night was freezing and I had a sweater on in the house and the fire going!!

Now I have to get that old saying etched in my head:

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to look at your chart several times before I understood it!! I think I'm getting old!!

Well, I didn't get the chart either - that's why I went with the tubing analysis.

H told me this morning that he would've read more of the book (I didn't dare ask how much he's read to date.) but blah blah blah (excuses). Didn't call him out on that either.

I assume this announcement was not so much a desire on his part to let me know he is working on us and more of a response to the fact that I told him I'm moving forward with the refinance (which only makes financial sense if we are splitting households).

I need some fun this weekend. And, on that note:

FUN..... where are you? People have been asking questions & you haven't been responsing. Enquiring minds want to know more.... (Hope you're ok.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck.. I don't get that chart either! Women need to just shut up and start those

SEXERCISES



Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:

Thank you for that important public service announcement!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd better

men o pause it...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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