Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: amanda123 (43207)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - that is so sweet.

As for me - H fell asleep on the couch last night. I found him there at 1 am and put a blanket over him. He has, to date, thanked me 3x for this and said "You must love me at least a little bit." I said I did and left it at that.

This simple gesture seems to have really touched him. I just find that so odd.

When I see this side of him I can really believe that he does love me. But, I'm not taking the bait, as the bottom line is I have every reason to question his commitment to me, along with his ability to repair our relationship, both pre-A and A issues.
It just sad.
But, I'm not sad. While I have hesitated in giving him the agreement, I have moved forward with the re-fi and am strangely a lot happier, even if it means being lonelier.

Peace out dawgs.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo, Nell.

Allgood -- it's action. You're out of limbo. That's what's making you happier.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480--Thanks for your comments and advice. It was really helpful...
I did want to clarify something in my post about asking him to heat up leftovers--
I was not going to be home and we do have kids, so I was letting him know to heat up the left overs for the kids.
I do still cook because I have kids at home--the youngest is 10.
I realize that when I cook I shouldn't not include him but he does buy the groceries so I am still struggling with that..
I use to make his dinner plate, make his lunches and do his laundry but I no longer do those things---
I am a work in progress
Hugs to All...


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok. Having kids to think about does change everything.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe.

Page 50 already? It seems we just moved into this house. I'm not going to be here for moving day. (again?) I'm sure all you girls will be able to get the cabanna boys to help with the move. Please pick out a warm location with no snow anywhere nearby. I am forwarding all my mail to the new address. LTA Part 23.

It seems that many of our friends here are having a hard time right now. I am thinking about everyone and sending good thoughts to all.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip:

I'm sure all you girls will be able to get the cabanna boys to help with the move

if you insist....


and as for the weather...i completely concur...warm sounds heavenly...


allgood: i have no doubt whatsoever that mr allgood loves you...he loves you the best way he knows how and is too stubborn to learn how to love you better, enough and the way you so deserve.....which is why i find myself constantly wanting to shake or slap him...


looking: whist you are still a family there are certain things that you really should do more for your kids then your independence...and here this is me too!!! no matter what happens within the marriage you are still a family....sometimes i have to focus on my kids, its what makes this more bearable when all i want to do is run or eject him...


(((tribe)))

this is going to be somewhat of a tough weekend for some of us...remember no matter how lonely we may get we are not alone....we are all going through this together....and WE WILL GET THROUGH IT.....and as we feel it, we will heal it....one step at a time, one day at a time, sometimes it will be by the minutes or seconds....keep breathing tribe....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and Ats - I never know what to say. I'm terrible at all of this. Just know that you are both in my thoughts and prayers. I really wish peace for all of us and I know what you are going through. We've all been there.

M3- I loved your post. Life does go on. It sucks but that's reality.

Sometimes the hurt seems so unbearable. It makes you so sick inside. But everyone is right, deep breaths.

I've realized this A shit has fucked me up. I need to get myself back. I pray for all of us everyday. Each one of you are in my thoughts. I may not reply to everyone's posts, but I'm feeling the hurt along with everyone else.

Peace Out!

(((((tribe)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking: Doing the 180 has no hard and fast rules. It's for YOU to put the focus on you and not what WH is doing, feeling, or thinking.
I would have told WH about leftovers, kids or no kids, because that's the way I am. So don't worry about "rules"

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking-
I agree with Honest. There is no one way to deal with infidelity.
The 180 is a way to focus on yourself and to send a very strong message to the WS that you will no longer accept their behavior.
Did you say that your WH is still actively involved in the affair? that he still sees the OW?

It's tough to do the 180 when you are living under the same roof. Especially when you still have young children at home.
I couldn't do it.
I kicked my husband out of the house after d-day.And, I did not see him for a few months. Our communication was limited to emails or me calling him on the cell and screaming at him as I discovered more and more information about his LTA.

IMHO the 180 serves 2 purposes...one is to protect yourself from anymore pain, etc. but, the other reason is that it can be a wake up call for the WS.
It ends their cake eating days.
They realize that they cannot have their marriage and the affair!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and Ats: I wish I was wiser with words of advice & comfort. Just know that both of you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

4 yrs & 4 days past D-day and I am still struggling with only knowing what I discovered on my own... very little info volunteered by FWH despite my asking for a timeline and him doing anything else except working on that while telling me via telephone that he was (I was at my sister's). The letter I received much later, on the night before we left on a short trip to Hawaii, was sadly lackly, excuses and hurt a lot. I asked if I should read it or wait until we came home. He told me to go ahead, mumbled that it would be a long night and promptly fell asleep! while I lay awake and cried. We went on the trip... faked the happy couple on holiday... this was Aug/08 - 18 months out from D-day.

Nightmares have been worse the last few weeks. He still does not get that I need waking up and words of comfort if I'm 'yelling or struggling, etc.' otherwise I fall back asleep and the bad dream continues. Anxiety is putting it mildly. Several times when I have been alone it's taken an hour for me to rouse myself- I just can't wake up and stop the terrors. Last week he put his arm around me (no words) and thought that was sufficient. It wasn't. I got up... p'd... washed my face... still could not calm myself. Went back to bed and just shook while he was already asleep again - snoring. I was so upset at his lack of empathy when I've told him what I need and he ignores it. If I call him on it, he gets defensive not remorseful. That morning he got up with a F*#* I'm tired of this and slammed the bathroom door. I went to the living room. A while later he came out and apologized but this really set me/us back in my mind. He came home from work with a rose that night but I feel he still doesn't realize what's needed to make this more than a superficial relationship. He's being affectionate and seems to think that all is fine with us. 3 more days and he's out of town Tuesday til 23rd. He's working tonight and the wkend too. I've said it before and it's still true... There's never time for us to spend dealing with the A so I can be through with this dread of another betrayal because he is stressed and turns elsewhere.

Sorry to add to the downer feelings. This is why I lurk... when I start typing it's like tsunami of feelings unleashed.

{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still burrowing in but reading the post all the time. I don't know why - it is very hard for me to post. I am reading and learning and have much gratitude for LTA forum.

Laura - friend - I am sorry. Remember what you are = a strong, very beautiful, intelligent, caring individual.

NJ - as always - your words are valuable

I've realized this A shit has fucked me up. I need to get myself back. I pray for all of us everyday. Each one of you are in my thoughts. I may not reply to everyone's posts, but I'm feeling the hurt along with everyone else.

This says it all for me...

Thinking of you all...


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The LTAs were extreme! Having a LTA is extreme behavior....so, the only way to make amends is with extreme measures.
Half hearted attempts will not be enough.

Thank you for saying this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to feel that FWH's attempts are lame. If they're not enough for me, then they're not enough! Laura, Ats...it's the same for you. If you are not happy with the way your life is RIGHT NOW then make the change you need in order to be happy. You deserve to be happy as much as your WS does. Why should they get to fall asleep in order to manage their feelings and you're left awake and afraid? I agree Laura that you need to buy SIL a cup of coffee and find out exactly what she knew and didn't know. Then, and only then, will you feel like you can make a decision that is based on what YOU know now. You are both so incredibly strong. I admire your determination to make it through the mess that infidelity creates and to try and salvage your M. If you walk away tomorrow, you have done more than most would do in your sich.

As Miracle said,

remember no matter how lonely we may get we are not alone....we are all going through this together
. Post often and vent here as you need to.

Hugs to all the Tribe, but especially those who are hurting so much.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Thank you all so much for your kinds words and wise advice. I had a complete meltdown last night but am OK now. Haven't been on all day because we had a power failure and so no internet.

This is what has haunted me since dday. Finding out that there had been more. I'm now 99% convinced he HAS been at it since we married. I need to decide what to do now I'm becoming more convinced.

To add to the drama I had lunch with a dear friend at a small local pub. There would have been less than 30 people there and incredibly OW3's ex husband was one of them. I have seen pics of him but this is the first time I've seen him in the flesh. My friend who is a BW (her H died from cancer a few years after they D'd) knows about my sich and knows both him and OW3 well. She stopped and spoke to him briefly- I guess to nudge me so I'd look and realise it was him. It was all I could do to stay on my feet.

H came home this afternoon with a huge bunch of flowers. Hugged me and said - "We will get through this!" I'm trying to focus on how much he's trying.

Love, thanks and hugs to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsuol:

I feel he still doesn't realize what's needed to make this more than a superficial relationship

Me too. I never thought my H had a lack of empathy before, but now I wonder how I missed it! (Actually, how I missed it was that I'm a very low maintenance, pretty non-emotional person, if you can believe that, lol, and really didn't need much from him.) You cannot convince my H that he wasn't being supportive by standing near me silently while I balled my eyes out or by holding my hand. (And, this is him a few days after DDay.) And, like you, I would tell him like he's a 4 year old moron what I needed and he still wouldn't do it, a fact that I impressed upon him often - that it just adds salt to th wound, that I have to ask for it, you don't do it, then I have to ask again, etc.
O - and I can totally relate to him snoring 5 min after us having an extremely emotional conversation, etc. (This is why I would sleep elsewhere a lot - it just made me crazy to think he was so at peace with himself - which is the way I perceived it, at least.)
I could go on and on.
Anyway, I'm distressed to see that you are stil have such difficulty sleeping. Has this been consistent for you since DDay or is there something new that's bothering you?
I have to say, bringing the flowers was nice.
I guess part of this struggle is that our needs (through no fault of our own, of course) have changed significantly and the people we married are not necessarily equipped to meet our new needs, hence the constant disappointments/frustration, etc.

Laura: I'm glad you are feeling better. Not knowing everything is something that bothers me as well. I think especially when you are dealing with a WS that is not forthcoming with the truth, details,etc. I've said to my H often, everything I know I discovered, you denied until I cornered you. There is no reason for me, with the limited investigative tools I have, to believe I'm operating at 100% accuracy. I now look at my entire relationship with my H differently and wonder if there were others. When we were teens, and had been dating for a year, a classmate told me he had gone to a prom with someone out of state the prior weekend. My friends (remember, we were like 16 at the time) threw me in their car and drove me to his house to break up with him, and kept driving around the block repeatedly wondering what was taking me so long. (Of course, he talked his way out of it, it was a favor to a friend, it wasn't a date, nothing happened, etc. and I didn't break up with them.) I laugh as I think about this. Sometimes we need close friends like in High School to do stuff like this. Like, I could pull up to Honest's house with Miracle and NJGal in the car, screech up to the front door, pull Mr. Dishonest out of the house, tie him to a tree and then, well, Idk where I'm going with this...lol.
ANyway.
He was also waaaayy too chummy with an extremely attractive coworker when I was pregnant with our first child, way too flirty, on the phone with her for an hour while I went to lamaze class by myself (ooooo the red flags), I told him I wasn't comfortable with him being partners with her and you know what, he didn't care.

Anyway, Laura, do you think he is changing? That's the real question. In my opinion, I do believe the more atrocious their behavior was during the M, the harder it is to believe that they can change, but I believe it's possible. So grieve that you were lied to a lot more than you thought, but try to keep your focus here.

Ok, got to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost: I'm so sorry that you are getting those horrendous nightmares. I believe our dreams and nightmares is our brains way of trying to work something out. I would suggest take control of them by journaling them. Write down what happened and look for the symbolism and what they represent. I'm NOT talking about getting Freud's book on dreams!! Just what do YOU think it may mean? You write it down when you can't get back to sleep and look it over the next day.

Laura, you have had too much to deal with in the past few days!! It would have driven me crazy to see OW's BS like that. I agree with the others to call SIL and find out more info.

Allgood:

Sometimes we need close friends like in High School to do stuff like this. Like, I could pull up to Honest's house with Miracle and NJGal in the car, screech up to the front door, pull Mr. Dishonest out of the house, tie him to a tree and then, well, Idk where I'm going with this...lol.


Thank you for the image!!! This made my day!!

Thank you so much! Now if I'm feeling down, I'll think of that!

I have to change my attitude from that of being a victim to being in charge of my life.

{{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

Sometimes we need close friends like in High School to do stuff like this. Like, I could pull up to Honest's house with Miracle and NJGal in the car, screech up to the front door, pull Mr. Dishonest out of the house, tie him to a tree and then, well, Idk where I'm going with this...lol.


and then, well i think we would give him a proper flogging (whtever a flogging is!!)

njgal said it well:

There is no one way to deal with infidelity.

there are many ways to deal with this shit....each way tailored to meet each individual's needs...aside from the basic things every bs needs, us lta'ers need that long term effort on the part of our ws's...not half-assed effort either....the effort needs to seem tireless, heartfelt and as though there is no end until we no longer need it....and even then the effort put in still needs to be 'all in'...."doing what it takes for as long as it takes"

unfortunately we have alot of our ws's who are sorely lacking that effort....and it kills me that some of the bs's here are still there, ready willing and able to try.......so so stupid...some of the ws's are truly their own worst enemy....making them ours as well....

solost: i know this has been such a rough time for you....i am glad that you got some of it out...do not hesitate to post though because you are not bright and chipper....we all have our moments, our days, and yes we get stuck in our funks...so post and let us help you....sometimes just being able to type away, ramblin feels so right, like its exorcising some kind of demons....if only it were that simple..heh ....

honest had a great idea...journal....and for now, maybe even take some xanax, along with a new relaxing bedtime routine might help the nightmares a bit...like a luscious hot bath, some meditation, soothing music and follow up with that precious little pill called a xanax.....


promise:

I am still burrowing in

like in making yourself cozy, or in like tunneling to get deeper under cover...??


laura:

" I'm trying to focus on how much he's trying.

this is a great focus, especially since your ws is one of those who does put in the effort....he doesn't seem to be as forthcoming as i am sure you would like, but insofar, you have not caught him in any new lies and this is key.....


strong:

I need to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to feel that FWH's attempts are lame. If they're not enough for me, then they're not enough!

not only is this so true..but i get mad, these ws's who fucked up so royally and for so long...what the fuck do they know about what we need, who made them experts in the when we should get over this shit, or what we need, or when we need it or anything really.....

the ws fucked up....they obviously have poor judgement, do not know right from wrong, make stupid choices, and made this proverbial bed that we are all stuck in....and why would or should they get any kind of say in what we think we need now....either do it or don't...shit or get off of the fucking pot.....stop the lollygagging, put up or shut up.....some of our ws's are so full of themselves...seriously, like you know what youre' talking about....lets get real now.....you fucked up, either do what it takes for as long as it takes or take a walk off a short pier....preferably where they are a few sharks, and when you get in the water...yell out i'm home!!!

...and if you could be bleeding when you enter the water....yay

or allgood, njgal and myself will just come on over and tie you to the nearest tree....


pssst allgood....you got a car that has good gas mileage...we might be taking some road trips soon...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood-
we'll tie Mr. Allgood to the tree and... talk him to death!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal - he would probably prefer all forms of torture over the SI gals talking to him at once and/or at length.

Lol.

I'm babysitting tonight so a friend can go celebrate Valentine's Day. That's kind of a bummer.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he would probably prefer all forms of torture over the SI gals talking to him at once and/or at length.

I volunteer to be a part of this posse!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura and Ats-
I just wanted to send both of you a long distance hug.

I can only imagine what you are going through.
It's like another d-day whenever you find out new information about the infidelity.

I am one of those people that needed the truth, the whole truth , and nothing but the truth.
I cannot even begin to describe how crazed I was and how many people I called and questioned about the LTA.
I dug and dug..and then I would go back to my husband and confront him with the new information.
I never gave up my sources.
I think for a while he thought I was using a PI.
So, in a matter of a few weeks.. I had the whole sordid story.
I had a very detailed timeline from him- where, when, what happened.
I confronted him about everything that I had found out and pieced together.
I knew more about the OW than my husband ever did!

Laura-
I can't imagine how you must have felt in the pub seeing the OW's exH.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to sit down with your SIL and find out what she knows?
Would you ever contact the OW's ex husband and ask him what he knew?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.