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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jilteddad1,

Unless you enjoyed and want to reprise your role as your WW's training wheels, do not rise to her bait. I don't care if you're married to Halle Berry. You've been treated like something she wanted to scrape off of her shoe.

If she wants you and much more important, if you want her, she needs to show you that she's worthy of you. Given her past and current behavior, I don't know how she could even attempt that or why you'd be interested.

She's shown you who she is. Time for you to believe what you're seeing.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1056 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you need the link, here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180 is good mojo.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7095 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw The Dillema with Kevin James and Vince Vaughn. Vince discovers his best friend is a BH and struggles to figure out how to tell him. It was not really a comedy you would expect from those two.
The thing is I read the reviews and people either loved it or hated it, no in between. I really liked it.
I wonder if those who liked it had been through an affair.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jilteddad,

you need to make a choice, either you cowtow to your WW's line, and be prepared to put up with her having the occasional (or regular) affair, or you focus on you for a change, start following the elements of the 180 that deal with building yourself up, and hope that she decides to jump on board for the ride.

Waffling around in the middle, not really making a choice is likely to end up with you feeling crap about yourself and her walking away from too much hard work.

ok Im reading my WW and my Sitch into things here, but although the exact details of each sitch may be differnent there are also a lot of similarites...

redarless i do think you should decide to do it her way or do it your way...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
jasper
♂ Member
Member # 28168
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drifting back a few pages, WAL:
...I've written over a dozen novels,

You're a writer? I know we're anonymous on this board, but I'd be interested to read some of your stuff if you'd be willing to point me in the right direction.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: New York
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for you guys ...

Are any of you guys in situations where your marriage/family might look somewhat normal from the outside? Three issues I am facing...

1. When I am in a church-type setting and the pastor will begin to talk about the need for forgiveness in relationships, but my WW has not even done the bare minimum nor asked for forgiveness...her ideal is cake eating.
2. When you are in a mixed group or couples and people are talking about romantic stuff they've done or intend to do, heartfelt stuff, like a long-married couple where one spouse thanks the other for always being there... and the inside of my brain is screaming I DO NOT BELONG HERE I AM AN ALIEN
3. I don't want to be a dick but I am concerned about a charm offensive by my wife...every now and then she will go out of her way to do things for me without changing the basic facts on the ground of our relationship. I am very vulnerable to offers of physical affection. If she was really crafty she would probably offer me sex once a week which would likely completely bust my resolve...she has not done this, which is a blessing in disguise I guess. I suppose a blowjob now and then would leave me completely in her thrall...how do I dig myself out of this psychological hole? It's like I'm addicted to her.

Her love was the LIE. But the love of my kids is REAL and they need me now.

Thanks for listening.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are any of you guys in situations where your marriage/family might look somewhat normal from the outside?

Absolutely.

When I am in a church-type setting...

WW doesn't attend my church but goes to mass by herself occasionally(or at least that's her story).

My pastor and his wife know our situation and never speak about it unless asked.

When you are in a mixed group or couples and people are talking about romantic stuff they've done or intend to do...

We avoid mixing with other couples. This happens every few years but I ignore what's being said and figure their either lying or exaggerating. Cynicism much? Besides, the romantic stuff should be kept private imo.

I am very vulnerable to offers of physical affection.

Oh yeah, WW avoids sex and anything intimate and tries to substitute it with cooking and "doing stuff together." I'll have none of it.

how do I dig myself out of this psychological hole?

The only thing that comes to mind is the mantra we see daily here at SI: Take care of yourself first.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Are any of you guys in situations where your marriage/family might look somewhat normal from the outside?

It seems pretty common for the WS to put up a normal front when WS & BS are out together at a function. It's to not look like a bad guy and so the BS will sound crazy if he starts to talk about how fucked up things are. I did not pick up on this until the water I was in was boiling and had decided FWW was emotionally abusive (did not know about the A at that point).

It is a way for the WS/Abuser to maintain control over the situation. In my case, FWW was in the process of moving out and it reached a critical mass where the pretend-normal was too fucked up to maintain at all. Situations like taking the kids to a school play would result in an exchange like:

Her: "It will be so amazing to see DS1 in a few years. I can't wait until we can go see him, he will be so cute."
Me: (in front of other parents, school faculty, etc) "What the fuck are you talking about? You are moving out. You told me you don't love me anymore. Why do you think we are going to be going to our children's school functions together? We aren't even going to be friends."

That was deep into things when I was just too fucking tired of trying to figure out how to make things work. If you reach that point then either the arguments will get really bad, or she will ramp up the minimal effort you were talking about since the control has pretty much left the building at that point.

Now we are 8 months into R but we don't socialize much. I try to avoid it because I don't like to play pretend with that kind of stuff and the cynicism will come out. If I find myself in a situation like that I try to just excuse myself.

I would advise just abandoning the pretense of normalcy. It doesn't benefit anyone but her. Your kids will know something is up, either by her behavior or your mounting stress and burnout. Don't go trumpeting your situation to the world, but don't carry her bullshit for her, you need to save that space for your kids.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7095 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she was really crafty she would probably offer me sex once a week which would likely completely bust my resolve...she has not done this, which is a blessing in disguise I guess. I suppose a blowjob now and then would leave me completely in her thrall...how do I dig myself out of this psychological hole? It's like I'm addicted to her.

Only useful thing I found in the Women's Infidelity books was a chapter titled something along the lines of "Men send flowers, women give blow jobs".

It actually made sense in retrospect. It seems that WW's will often give blow jobs to the BH while involved in the A as a method of keeping options open and maintaining their balance on the fence.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the advice but, Agghhhh!! I can't do this. I'm great till WW decides to come by or text or call. The text are the worst I answer and then she just drops it. If I get upset she acts like its no big deal, Like this is a game. We have 2 boys that she picks up from school and helps with homework before I get home. It drives me nuts when I don't hear from her and I become jelly when I do. I'm fine if I don't have to deal with her. But I can't do that we have to talk about kids stuff, etc. Not our relationship or the EA's or A's she had/having, no that would be helpful. So it builds up in me like a balloon and I want to pop! Help!!! I'm not sure the 180 is the right think to do. I believe WW and OM are no longer in an A, she just wants to make the terms of the separation different.Like, "I was so unhappy I had to leave, how will things be different if I come back" I have the boys with me, and the house up for sale. she is living rent free with a friend in a model home. When it sells, and her friend thinks it will happen very soon, she will need to find a new place to live. I can only guess she plans to come home then. She has already mentioned that i cant keep her out legally. but I will put her on the couch. My issue is even though I believe the PA is over I think she is still in EA's on face book. For my sanity that must stop before WW can come home, but what if she just says no and comes home?

[This message edited by jilteddad1 at 10:54 PM, January 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like this is a game.

You defined it perfectly. And in this sick game, as long as she gets to call the shots, she will continue to do whatever she wants. Why wouldn't she? That's what the 180's for. You can still do the 180 and talk about your children and other pertinent topics.

It drives me nuts when I don't hear from her and I become jelly when I do.

How do you stop giving a damn about someone you love? You don't until survival mode kicks in. When you've reached the point where you think you will lose your mind, then you must choose either her or your sanity. When does that happen? It's a different amount of time for each of us depending on our situation and personality.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Control is a funny word.

Welcome JiltedDad.

Ethalred, you say that she uses sex as control, and JiltedDad is worried that his could gain control with sex; take that away from her(s). If/when she throws you a bone (yes that pun was intended) enjoy it, use it, but take her out of it. In other words, treat it as sex with a stranger, picture your fantasy girl there, but take any feelings for WW out. She can only control you if you let her.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, the dynamics are so different for different people.

I wouldn't have touched slut-bag with a 10.5 foot pole after discovering her cheating. My vision of her changed instantly. From wife to whore. There was no sex since D-day.

I wonder, how can you guys possibly want sex with WW? How could you not imagine OM in the room with you?

For me, fidelity is very sexy, always has been. Sex with a WW would be like sex with a witch. I'd rather be castrated.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 8:56 AM, January 24th (Monday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, different strokes for different folks. (yes that pun was intended too)

I always thought that if my wife cheated, that would be the end. It didn't work out that way. I'm not saying you're right, or I'm right, but we all have our reasons for doing what we do.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came on strong, sorry. In my case, might have something to do with her bringing OM into our home, might have to do with having seen many explicit photos of the acts, might have something to do with the fact that she was soliciting sex with complete strangers.

If there was only one, short affair, I can't say where I'd be right now. I can't say if I'd have ever wanted to touch her again.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, sex with WW is now like sex w/a hooker or a ONS-it's just sex-no longer are any bullshit feelings or intimacy included, it's just a release-she can be anyone I imagine.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My three points and how I deal with things.

1) WIfe starts BS over nothing.Cocky funny response. She gets more pissed. I dont care. She has to come at me real. Half the time she will laugh too. the other times she will get pissed and we will have sex that same night.

2) Real stuff taht is touch. If I feel it is to harm me I will ruthlessly destroy her. This has stopped many of the over the top BS she would start. She knows she pays a price for BS against me.

3) My attitude on sex. This is the hardest and where I have a bit more work to do. I strive for sex just to be sex and nothing more. No deep meaning no care. A release and nothing more. Tried after d-day to make it special and real again but her BS and her fucking OM ended sex being anything more for me with her.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder, how can you guys possibly want sex with WW? How could you not imagine OM in the room with you?

Can you believe that late this year it will be 15 years past Dday#1 for me? Just seems strange.

But I did have a Dday#2. Which is why I am here on SI.

Anyhow. I wanted to say some thing about OIALs question.

My answer is that this perspective changes in time.

For me. Sex will NEVER be what it was. Neither sex or the M will ever be what it was or what it could have been. Dead. Gone. Rotting in its grave.

But sex is sex. And sex being sex - is good. Certainly better than no-sex.

At the start OM definitely was there. Practically in bed with us. In time he moved further away. Now hes still around but is more of a shadow in the corner of the room.

It gets easier with time.

With that said however. Had I had it to do over. I would D WW straight away. Pack her shit. And send it to OMs house (I am sure his BW would love that.. ). I honestly believe I would be in a MUCH better place today had I D her straight after Dday#1.

So take that for what it worth.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3074 | Registered: Sep 2007
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all correct.I'm a puss, and I wish I could quit loving WW. Her A's all started as EA's on face book. When she told me she thought she might be in love and wanted to meet with one I asked her to leave. That was in Oct. I believe OM flew in for a weekend. OM was out of the picture after a week or 2 of that weekend (I doubt he intended anything but sex, got his and he's gone, I think) That was the only PA the rest are all EA's. She says there is noone else but I know she is still flirting on FB. She did add me to FB this weekend so I think she is trying to make steps. The handjob she gave me yesterday was nice, but... for some reason she's not hit bottom yet and does not want to talk. She had surgury Monday and has been in pain, she hopes to go back to teaching kindegatren this week. I don't know about other WW but health trumps everything. Is she is hurting (recovering from surgery) than that is all that we can discuss. Anything else and I get the "I can't deal with that while I'm recovering" or "I just took pain meds and i'm feeling woozy". it sucks!

[This message edited by jilteddad1 at 10:47 AM, January 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know your deal, OIAL, and I would have done the same had I walked that line. That's some tough shit to go through. That's why I said we are all different in our situations. You handled yours better then I would have.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
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