Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jilteddad1.

Your not a puss as you say. We all falter when we stand at the edge of the abyss.

You will do what you do when you are ready to do it. You will get absolutely no judgements here.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, JiltedDad, I wasn't calling you a wuss. I was just pointing out a way to keep the ball in your court.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, as tough as I speak, I was a total "wus" for a good year after D-day. Even considering the depth and depravity of her many betrayals, I was stuck in limbo for months and months, crying my ass off. That had a lot to do with the fact that we have kids.

All I'm saying is, adultery will knock the wind right out of you. Be good to yourself. We're all frail.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:05 AM, January 24th (Monday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one called me a puss, but me. At least as far as I know.
I just can't get her beyond cake eating, I can't blame her, I just got to figure out what that balance is. I think she wants to come home, she just wants her cake too.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't blame her for cheating on you?

Maybe you consider blame an irrelevant, petty notion, that there's no place for blame in humanity.

However, I hope you're *not* saying you had it coming. That, I don't buy.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, No,what I was saying is I can't blame her for wanting to eat cake.

Jimi40, your point is well taken, focusing on something else and "getting what I can" is a good way to look at it.

[This message edited by jilteddad1 at 12:47 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I need some help. I have a WW that has finished her original A, but has not come home. She still has all her face book friends and I know she has men to flirt with, and a free place to live. How (without filing for divorce)do I shake her out of the fog. It has been almost 2 months since the end of the A. I have 2 boys here that I need to protect. What am I saying I can't change her, it's her choice. I hate limbo

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is she is hurting (recovering from surgery) than that is all that we can discuss. Anything else and I get the "I can't deal with that while I'm recovering" or "I just took pain meds and i'm feeling woozy". it sucks!
Jilteddad1 I got that crap based on depression. The same depression she used as a cover for the A's.

ETA: following post. Hit submit too soon.

[This message edited by aesir at 10:17 PM, January 24th (Monday)]


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I need some help. I have a WW that has finished her original A, but has not come home. She still has all her face book friends and I know she has men to flirt with, and a free place to live. How (without filing for divorce)do I shake her out of the fog.
As I understand, when the house sells she figures she can just move back in. What if you were to start talking about selling the house, since it is really more than you need for just you and the kids. Or perhaps rent the house out and use the proceeds to finance renting something smaller? Not sure you would have to let her "back" into a marital home that she has never lived in. There goes her soft landing.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Lotsa
♂ Member
Member # 28078
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jilteddad1,

The 180, in its literal sense, may not seem practical to adopt with your children and current parenting arrangements. But the general concept can be implemented in many ways (as with aesir's example), to show her that you are thinking beyond her. That you are moving on with your life and won't be party to her games any longer.

Living in limbo sucks. But while you can't change her, you can change you... By doing so, the status quo will alter one way or the other.


Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2010
jilteddad1
♂ New Member
Member # 29864
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the thoughts. I put our house up for sale before the holidays. So, we are both living in homes that could sell at any time. I talked with the friend that took her in and she offered to kick her out but also thinks the home she is in will sell very soon. She told me they have gone from a few showings a month to 1 a day. As frustrated as I am I have thought through her just showing up. I plan to ask her intentions. I gave her "after the affair" but she has not read it. I think I will require it or at least some of the healing library. Then we can go to MC to lay down boundaries and guidelines, like all passwords, no "extra" phones, and a general commitment to my healing. I guess I just need to wait till something sells or she wakes up, or I decide I'm done which is about how I feel right now.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Texas
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted in General instead.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:21 AM, January 25th (Tuesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Thedummy
♂ New Member
Member # 30949
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys, Ten yrs ago or so I frequented this site often. The reason was that ten yrs ago my wife informed me that she had 6 ONS while we were going steady and talking engagement. we were inseperable and had a great relationship, skiing camping partying , your typical mid 80's courtship. We got engaged , married and ten yrs after we married after a spat and some prodding on my part she informed me of 6 ONS. I almost needed to be hospitalized. It was so out of character that I couldnt make sense of the world.well anyway I'm back on here because it's bothering me all over again, any thoughts?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheDummy.

IMO it is a matter of resolution. If all that can be said. has been said. And if all that can be known. is known. If you both have said you fill about you feelings over it. Then I think it is resolved.

This dont mean it nevermore crosses you mind. Or even that it dont bother you any more.

Can you be more specific about what it is that is bothering you? Perhaps this is some issue that was not talked flat and thereby never resolved.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has she done, or said something to trigger you, TD?


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Thedummy
♂ New Member
Member # 30949
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been under a bit of stress lately. Maybe a touch of depression. I often wonder if she told me the whole truth.Sometimes I feel like forgiving her lets her get away with murder and of course sometimes i don't feel that way. I just wish that when I get my mind right about her past it stays that way.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2011
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that, TD. Wouldn't selective amnesia be cool? Just be sure it's not your internal warning system telling you something is wrong.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jilted,
Keep focusing on fixing yourself, and distancing yourself from her. Even if she is around you physically, you don't have to engage. The fog will lift when she understands you can move on...and it will be true, you can move on. Stay strong.

TD,
I am sorry. I wish I had some advice.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
impastit
♂ Member
Member # 28951
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often wonder if she told me the whole truth.

Not me. I know that will never happen.

The XWW is texting me right now as we speak fishing. I have no more cake to feed this person.

I smell a pity party coming on. I'm out on that.


"Get over it." Classic. Classic sociopath!

DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2010
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, January 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@theDummy,

I guess the most fundamental question is do you still want to be married to her? Perhapes its simply taken this long for you to realise that she crossed your line of no return, or is it just that you really do want a life with her but you cant seem to get past the history.

I found the book 'How can i forgive you' quite good. It reinforces the idea that forgivness should be earnt, but that at the end of the day its yours to give, and you dont have to if you dont want too. If you think its forgiving, or the inability to forgive that is 'blocking' your healing then it might be worth a read.

Otherwise, perhapes thinking about and figuring out what it is that you cannot get over, are you still triggering frequently, what are those triggers, can you learn to desensitise yourself to them? Is it mind movies that are plaguing you? Is it the feeling that you cannot trust her. find out what in particular is hindering your healing

I often think that full R is a lot harder for the BS than we often immagine at the start, and ultimately the BS must also do a significant amount of work for the R to suceed, it is not all just the WS's road to travel.

In the end though if its still bothering you, then your not going to get around talking to your W about whats bothering you. It may be a good idea to do this within the context of some MC sessions...or at least try and approach it as you two working together to solve a problem the enemy at this point is the problem not your W. So acrimony and anger directed at her is going to be counter productive, albeit understandable.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.