You should file for D, you can cancel it up until the last day. If that doesn't shake her out of the fog, then it won't matter what you do because she is a lost cause.
In R at this time
I am nice to wife but do what I want and when she has her stupid moments I view her as an enemy of my children and treat her as such.
Talking never got me ANYWHERE. Actions have.
Used to before and during WW Aís she kept really close tabs on my where abouts. I was required to check in if I was not at work and I know it bothered WW when she did not know exactly where I was. I know now this was because WW needed to know so I would not happen upon WW and OM.
I am in my second attempt with the 180. So I am doing for myself and my children with not much thought as to where WW is or doing.
Yesterday after work WW went to pick up children from athletics after school. I was supposed to pick them up but my son called and said WW was there to get them. When I left work I called my WW she said she was at some ladies house looking at a pageant dress for my daughter. I tell WW ok I am on my way home. On the way my buddy calls and needs me to come by his farm and help him start a piece of equipment so he could get it in the barn before the freeze. Where I was at there is no cell signal so I did not even try to call WW. Well I get home 45 minutes later and the sh@t storm starts.
Now I am the bad guy for not letting her know where I was at. WW claims I am having an A because I am not checking in like I use to before her A. This is crazy. Yes checking in and letting her know where I am at is one of the things I am doing the 180 on. I try not to check in all the time now because I know this is one of the things WW used while she was seeing OM.
Does anyone have any advice or have had the same experience that could advise when WW make this kind of allegation.
Does anyone have any advice or have had the same experience that could advise when WW make this kind of allegation.
As Mr. Kite says, its called 'projection'. When after my XWW and I separated, I started dating, she told her mother "It sure didn't take him long".
Coming from her (she'd been cheating for months, maybe more) that was hysterical to me.
The mind of the wayward is not anything you can understand. Its a bad neighborhood, so stay out of there.
The 180 is for you. Let her deal with her world. You become the best 'you' you can. She knows who you are. You're not the cheater, she is. If she wants this 'new and improved' you, she'll live with not knowing where you are each minute of the day.
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
She was so paranoid during her last A WW drove 45 minutes to my deer lease at 4:00 am to see what I was up to last year when I did not answer the phone. You should have seen the look on her face when she walked in the camp house at 4:00 am and I was setting there eating breakfast alone watching my favorite John Wayne movie waiting on it to get day light. I asked if she drove all that way to give me sum but she did not say a word. Just got in her car a drove away.
The week before this I had caught WW dumping my daughter at a friendís house to meet OM. Since I know everything I know about WW last A with my good friend I wish sometimes that there would have been a young filly there so WW could fill the pain I feel every day. That sounds bad but it is how I feel.
I tend to see that as coddling the insecurities that turned you into a BS in the first place.
Like the other guys are saying, my take on projection is simple: "You bought these shoes, now you have to wear them."
I'm firmly in the camp that said my WW's insecurities were her responsibility. I've already paid the price for them (my wife also had an A with my best friend), and I'm fucking done paying. You fix them, you cope with them, you shove them down into a little greasy pile and let them fester in your colon for the rest of your life if that's what it takes, but I don't ever have to hear about them again.
I don't know about you, but I spent years getting accused of having affairs and making allowances for jealous insecurities. We had a serious double standard with things she was allowed to do but I wasn't because she "knew" she was trustworthy and I had nothing to worry about.
When a WW pulls out the insecurity card after she's been riding herd on a gaggle of dicks, I think it's best interpreted as a control technique. She knows on some level that she can't control you with insecurity anymore because she's done the thing she was warning you about. Instead, you'll get the, "I've been down that road. I know better than you do what it looks like" gambit. Just looking out for you, you know, because she *cares so much* (I mean, not enough to use a condom to protect you from STD's, not enough to defend your family, not enough sacrifice your children's future for her love of dick, but care of some sort, I'm sure.)
For what it's worth, you can successfully play it either way: either coddling her or ignoring her and setting your own boundaries, but it's good to have a plan in place from the start to know how you're going to handle it.
Turkish man seeks protection from sex-mad wife
A DESPERATE Turkish man living in Germany has turned to the police for protection from his insatiable wife's constant demands for sex, authorities said yesterday.
The man came to his local police station in southwestern Germany on Tuesday saying that he had been sleeping on the sofa for the past four years to escape the clutches of his wife of 18 years and mother of their two children.
"Now he has decided to get a divorce and to move out ... in the hope of finally getting some rest, particularly as he is anxious to arrive at work well rested," police said in a statement.
"At the moment this is impossible because he says his wife keeps coming into the living room demanding that he perform his marital duties. He asked for police help in getting some sleep at night."
On two occasions, WW tried to kick me out of the house because I didn't come home when she wanted:
Early after DDay while she was blameshifting and I was trying to recover, I came home from a movie and clothes were in the garage. I entered, she screamed at me to leave, I refused, and when she asked why I didn't come home early, I responded "it is clear you don't like me around, so I am not going to be around." She was stunned, speechless.
The second, and much more recent time, I went to a lecture I was interested in, she texted asking when I was returning, I said "later," and she responded "don't bother coming home." When I did come home, she screamed at me to leave, and I very calmly said "it is not going to happen, so don't bother trying." She more calmly asked me to leave because I was not respecting her, and then I blew up at her for saying something so stupid, then went to bed. She apologized a few days later.
I am not saying I handled the A well, I didn't. But in those two extreme instances, it was very clear to WW I won't put up with her blame and I am not under her control.
And I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I thought that hunting story was hilarious.
[This message edited by 3yrwait at 10:53 PM, January 26th (Wednesday)]
My WW is accusing me of having an A because I am not telling here where I am at every minute of the day
I think mighty and Mr Kite have hit the nail on the head, Im not sure what a really appropriate answer to her is when she starts getting acusatory, but perhapes pointing out that it is not you that has a proven track record of lying and cheating, and that she should perhapes not judge you by her own standard. I personally think that as a BH if we hold our WW to a certain standard, then we should also meet that, so if your require her to report her whereabouts 24/7 then you really should be willing to do the same to her. However if thats not one of your conditions or boundaries and she doesnt do it voluntarily then i really see little reason why you should feel oblidged to do it. If she really cannot handle not knowing where you are at all times, and you simply decide to stop telling her, then IMHO the situation is likely to get even more toxic.
Hereís the problem: Daughter lies like her mom and has been cell phone crazy for awhile (she canít have one yet)... but why this lie? Told the WW and of coarse she immediately went into the pissed off defensive... come search, canít believe sheíd be accused, and ended it with telling me Iím the one hiding stuff because I have my own checking account I donít give her access to.
So, rather than respond... Iím going silent and putting this in her hands because quite frankly there ainít squat I can do about it besides question my daughter tonight when Iíve got time. Sometimes, all you have is your word; itís a harsh lesson my WW needs to learn.
WW only works two days per week. WW thinks it is ok to leave and travel up to 3 hours away to go shopping and not let me know she is traveling. WW does not see a problem with leaving to go grocery shopping in town (26 miles) at 9:00 am in the morning and not return till 10:00 pm at night.
We had a very heated discussion last night about her accusations of me having an A. I explained to her again that WW need not worry about me having an A because I would not sink to her level. I told WW until she showed me the same respect as I had shown her before and during her Aís this is how it would be (180).
Another problem I am having is in the bedroom. I just do not want it from WW. Right after the A I did and I guess I was trying to prove myself to WW but now that the A has really sunk in and I have details itís no fun. I get flash backs during the event of WW and OM. I know it has only been 10 months but things seem to be getting worse. If WW starts the game off I do play but I am ashamed to say if I donít fantasize I cannot reach the goal line. Does anyone know about how long this will last?
Thatís the problem; There is no way to prove she doesnít have a second phone. (Easy scenario is the OM got it for her). Also, itís been the random crap like this in the past thatís hung her... hate to say it, but the snooping never ďuncoveredĒ as much as it did ďconfirmĒ what I already knew to prove the extent. The biggyís have always been a slip of the tongue, or random finding of something (keylogger getting passwords, condoms, calling card, book, etc.).... Leaves a lot to ponder.
Anyway, Iím handling it fine though itís interfering my thoughts at work (and Iíve got a deadline today). Iím sure the daughter can clear it up and my wife is trying to reassure me. So, for now Iím just deciding to suck up my fear and trust my gut which believes sheís telling the truth. I just wish she could figure out how to make her word mean something. To much TT and denials in the past, not to mention the complete truth has yet to be revealed, for me to have a reason to trust.
let me set the place.
He loved this girl spoke glowing about her all the time. had a child. he was happy and did a lot for her.
When i asked him what was his addition to the divorce when she asked for one. He said he was too nice.
When many of us got with our WW we did as we pleased were not bad guys and I actually view d-day as your own wake up call for the better.
The old pre-married me would have never aceepted the treatement I got and d-day put an explanation point on it. People I only casually knew said when the A was revelaed. Man LC she has treated you like shit everytime I ever see you guys.
That told me never to accept BS again. You spouse should be your friend. Would you accept this BS from a friend? hell now.
And I was guilty of what many of the guys here did for way too long even after d-day. I would rationalize myself out of being a man and having control of me and my balls back. She will get mad teh kids etc. The same exact guilt trips my WW drilled into my brain.
And on a side not I check in. Sometimes. Sometimes I will go home early out of the blue no call no check in. You are never going to have me religously locked down to times. My deligence in you communication with you was used against me. Never again.
@Mighty, I guess its one of those stalemate situations, you cannot prove without finding the damn thing that she has it, she cannot ever prove that she doesnt. Look to her actions, how she is handling it, is she useing her old 'cheating' response patterns or not, What are her actions towards reassuring you...then go with your gut feel bassed on that. I hope you get some peace soon.
Perhapes next time you get some 'information' from somewhere, sit on it for a while, see if you can confirm it yourself before letting the WW know.
This is my first time posting in this section and interested in getting some good advice from you guys. As some of you know, I've been recently separated from my WW for a little over one month (DD Dec 14). In this short time frame, she's ready to get a divorce and loves the OM. We don't have any children (just a English Bulldog), but we have great careers and a beautiful home. The sad part was, up to DD, we were trying to have children.
So, my WW is planning to move back to her home state and has been interviewing for jobs. As soon as she gets a gig, she's kicking out and starting a new life with the OM. Last night, I heard the OM baught her a new puppy bc my WW knew I wouldn't give up our bulldog. Our bulldog means the world to us and I'm surprised that her new yorkie is going to "replace" our dog. (Kinda like how this douche is going to "replace" me).
Furthermore, I filed for a settlement agreement and everything should be finalized by Feb 1 (can't get divorced for 6 months). She's meeting with her lawyer and will send over the docs this upcoming Wed. I've been maintaining NC for just about 2 weeks now.
I know all of you can relate that you have been betrayed by your WW. I'm just curious if some of you guys have moved this fast in the D process. In all honesty, I thought my M was great and we were truly soul-mates. It was like a light switch went off and she no longer loves me and giving up her whole life to move back home.
So here are my questions:
1. Have you guys moved this fast without even trying to R?
2. Possible that my WW is still in a fog?
3. What should I expect throughout this process?- ie: is the booked closed?
4. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly?
Look, I'm not saying I would ever take her back at this point. What am I trying to salvage here? I will be a prisonor if I took her back without remorse. Every time she text or was on the phone, I would always wonder if it was OM. I'm just looking for some insight from you guys bc I'm just confused due to the rapid pace, poor choices, and willingness to be with OM after a few short weeks. Thanks in advance guys.
I posted on the just found out forum earlier this week,
and wanted to talk about my situation.
Another man contacted me via facebook and told me my wife and him have been seeing each other since July 2nd of last year.
I confronted my wife and asked her to come clean and she said she had another affair with another man. She called it a rebound affair with another man. She says she thought we were headed for divorce anyway, so she started a relationship with him. Somewhere it fell apart, but this guy started pestering/blackmailing her?
I feel the limbo is over and it's time to get divorced. We had started counseling after the first d-day. I thought we trying to figure out next steps. Just did not know she wasn't really committed to it. Honestly, I felt like this limbo was just that, it wasn't working, and we were going to divorce at some point. We just were not forming a connection. We had stopped counseling back in October. We were going to pick up again, just had not gotten around to it. Work, etc.
Here is the banter with OM and I:
From other man:
Sir i have to let you know what kind of woman you are dealing with. I was played for a foll and with all my heart i appologize to you because i feel you have been a victim in all of this. Sir your wife has been seeing me since july 2nd 2010. I met her at a bar she was at with one of her friends in downtown ft. worth. I no longer see fit to continue what i should have never started. If you need anything from me i will be more than happy to supply you with pictures of her and i together. Sir you are being used as have I. I am sorry for wrecking your life with this news but i feel you should be made aware of what has gone on.
I responded with:
Let's see the pictures. All of them, whatever you have. You did know she was married?
He responed with:
I was told she was getting a divorce. i will send them your way. i was dumb and ignorant and shouldve known better. I was told she was getting a divorce. this divorce never happened and everytime i attempted to end it i was toldshe was starting the process. i will email them to you. good luck to you and i can never take back what i did only try to make things right
We had been going to counseling and had not yet started the divorce process. So, she was lying in that regard.
I got the pictures. Made everything very real for me.
Went to the lawyer the next morning with every intention of getting the divorce process started. Let my wife know it was over. I would be a fool to stay in this marriage. All of sudden, she admits how awful a person she is, she does not deserve me or anything, so on so forth. Crying and pleading for another chance, another 6 months. Open phone and email access whenever I want it. Will call
whenever she is late, etc.
Want her and I to go to new counseler to discuss her selfish actions and destruction of this marriage.
Basically, Please don't divorce me.
I am dumbfounded. This is what I wanted from my wife the first time around. I wanted to be a better husband for her. I was so ready to get divorced, now I'm holding back. Going to wait for a little while. Let my head clear.
Some part of me thinks there's nothing there. Some part of me still loves the wife I married, the life we once had. Some part of me thinks divorce, splitting assets and time with daughter is too complicated and painful to deal with if this is salvagable. I know it is decision I need to make, but it is difficult. I'm 42, I'm sure there are other fish out in the sea, but I'm not one of those guys chasing women all of the time. My daughter is still the most important person in my life. Just plenty confused at the moment on what to do.
Why do I want to give her another chance? Thoughts?
All of sudden, she admits how awful a person she is, she does not deserve me or anything, so on so forth. Crying and pleading for another chance, another 6 months.
It is a classic WS technique wherein they go under ground for a time. Cool it for a bit. Then when the BS is appeased and begins to trust again. The A starts back up.
I would go ahead with getting the D papers. Just because you do that dont mean you actually will D. Only reinforces how serious you are to you WW.
If she pull her head out her ass and changes her ways. Then you can decide not to go thru with it.
To me it sounds like you are doing ok. You are protecting you self. And you WW is moving on with her OM.
To do other than what you are doing (D) would be foolish IMO.