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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Have you guys moved this fast without even trying to R?

No

2. Possible that my WW is still in a fog?

Absolutely

3. What should I expect throughout this process?- ie: is the booked closed?

Sure sounds like it.

4. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly?

That depends on what your definition of love is. For me it's a life-long commitment. Lust and infatuation on the other hand have a time limit.

Btw have you read this thread on dogs?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=392207

It is a classic WS technique wherein they go under ground for a time. Cool it for a bit. Then when the BS is appeased and begins to trust again. The A starts back up.

This! It's called the "yo-yo effect" and you're the yo-yo. From reading your profile, DFW, it seems that she has had more than enough chances to get her act together.

You have a young daughter to think of which makes the decisions you're about to make extremely painful and scary. I made the decision to stay and raise my son. Looking back on it all these years later, I regret doing that because we did more harm than good with all the silent hate he had to endure. Best of luck to you.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KEEP:
1. Have you guys moved this fast without even trying to R?

No, My fww EA ended on DDay. The lying continued for years. Note: DDay was 2/10/2000
2. Possible that my WW is still in a fog?

Like a car in the fog at night...you can turn the bright beams(reasonings)on, but it only makes it worst.
3. What should I expect throughout this process?- ie: is the booked closed?

Pain...Yours first and then hers....when it all crashes down around her.
4. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly?

No...I don't believe so. I think your WW started her affair alot earlier than she claims.


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Have you guys moved this fast without even trying to R?

My old lady left with OM, after the initial grieving, I started dating.

2. Possible that my WW is still in a fog?

Abso-fucking-lutely


3. What should I expect throughout this process?- ie: is the booked closed?

In the famous words of Yogi- "It ain't over, till it's over" Plan on a long ride.

4. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly?

It wasn't quick, she has had lots of time to rewrite history, make all her excuses, grieve, and move on. She just forgot to tell you.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little diversion here boys; Has anyone else noticed how female oriented General has become??


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi... I've noticed it but through the years I've noticed it going back and forth.... Us guys don't seem to be quite as chatty most of the time....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So start posting there more Jimi


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35285 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Have you guys moved this fast without even trying to R?

What R?

2. Possible that my WW is still in a fog?

No doubt.

3. What should I expect throughout this process?- ie: is the booked closed?

Your call

4. Is it possible to fall out of love so quickly?

They leave mentally before they leave physically. We just don't get the memo.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
keepyourheadup
♂ Member
Member # 30513
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks fellas. Funny thing is I've been oblivious to women's signals since I was happily married and would never think of having an A. But, I've been paying more attention to the girls at the gym and it's a good feeling to know that there's so many women out there. I would've never thought about talking to them prior to S, but I've been trying to shake the rust off my" game". I think it's going to be fun. I wish I could feel the way I'm feeling all the time, but understand I'll have my ups and downs.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try bikram yoga with a lady friend. I'm a meat head, so this is going to be interesting. What the hell am I getting myself into, haha..

So, whenever I feel down, I'll think of all those single ladies out there who won't think of fucking another man. Who will appreciate me, love me, and be loyal. No need to be down about some skank bitch-ass slut whore..

Thanks for the continued support and I'm sure I'll be posting soon, lol.

[This message edited by keepyourheadup at 7:24 AM, January 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2010
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, whenever I feel down, I'll think of all those single ladies out there who won't think of fucking another man. Who will appreciate me, love me, and be loyal. No need to be down about some skank bitch-ass slut whore..

Hell Yeah!!!

Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DFWMGeek,
Your story has some similarities to mine. I agree you should take your time to get yourself together.
In the meantime, trust nobody. Even though OM shared pictures, there may be a lot more to their stories you don't know.
Stay strong and be prepared for more surprises.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@keepyourheadup,

I do think that the whole D process can be a lot faster a lot less acrimonious, and probably fairer if there are no children involved.The thing to understand is that you cannot judge her commitement, her process, by your standards. In reality she was likely already well over the Marriage long before DDay, sure there may have been lingering security or comfort concerns, but now shes made her 'choice' shes all engines ahead, she has this wonderfull fantasy that shes going to have, shes escaping what she has probably painted as a loveless repressive relationship...its all good in her eyes.

Your left struggling to detach, your self esteme has taken a battering, you may struggle with thoughts of lonlyness, depression, anger... on one hand your detest what shes become on the other you still love the women that you thought she was.

Your going to need to find acceptance that your relationship with her is over. Make sure that you allow and give yourself the opportunity to morn the loss of your M and your W. Be wary of medicating with alcohol, food, women, or any other vice.

She may move on quickly and although the process may be quickly resolved for you the healing still needs however long it will take.

@DFWMovieGeek, If i was a betting man id say that you want to give her another chance because you still love her. There is nothing wrong with that, after all you cant just switch off your love, shes had a long time to slowly detatch, you have not.

Whats important to be clear about is whether you really want to give her another chance, what your chances for success are, and whether your willing to go through that.

Untill you are clear i would advise you not to burn any bridges towards R, You can take it wone day at a time until youve reached a decision. During that time however pay close attention to her actions, its her actions what she does, and as importantly what she doesnt do that should guide you in your decision.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
keepyourheadup
♂ Member
Member # 30513
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your responses and advices. I have been doing a better job with detaching from my STBX. I am going on my third week of not speaking to her and my desires for R are diminishing. I am dealing with a series of betrayls and it's difficult for me to trust even my best friend (I posted in JFO yesterday). In summary, I found out my best friend has been befriending my STBX and "supports" her. Needless to say, I have to detach from a few friends as well. I guess nothing can surprise me at this point.

I will stay away from the vices and try continue to live a healthy balanced life.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have any of you guys had infidelity make your life more difficult, apart from the A?

Has it drained you of energy at work? Has it made it difficult to concentrate?

My finances are just so-so. I have some credit card debt that needs killin'. Paying for counseling, and other crap and not being on top of my game have caused me to spend more.

On top of this, my eldest child, a girl, will be 13 this year. She was headstrong anyway but she is becoming difficult. She refuses to come to church, especially if "she is there" (my WW). Keep in mind the kids are supposed to know NOTHING about what has gone on. Some of it is just being bratty, but maybe she intuits something?

Anyway, if you guys knew everything about me besides the A stuff, you might give my work performance a B-, my parenting a B-, and my marriage a C-, and you would have a huge laundry list of things I can improve like "spending quality time" and "cultivating shared interests".

I am not doing any of that, I am in full detach mode. I did not say two words to her tonight, I tucked the kids in for bed, went to my room and shut the door. Damn rude of me, truthfully.

But, she honestly doesn't give a shit and has not since D-Day, otherwise she would come to my room to talk to me to see what she could do to repair our relationship.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred,

the concentration thing is pretty common, Ive really struggled with that myself.

Prior to DDay i would have been considered and absolute jem of an employee, motivated, quiet, efficient... after DDay and Before the S i didnt tell anyone at my work, but my work did suffer significantly, i took a week or soo of sick leave straiht away, but even afterwards i was only barely keeping it together.

Same thing all over after the S except that i talked to my boss who was very understanding, and gave me free reign to leave to see lawyers or realtors etc...

But even now well over a year after DDay, 7 months into S My ability to concentrate hasnt really returned. I find it really hard to get into 'the zone' where time flies, I am easily distracted. It is getting better but only slowly....

As for your Daughter, she may not know the actual details but at 13 she is no little kid anymore, she knows that something is going on, and she has probably made some surprisingly accurate assumptions, and some that may be way off mark... Either way she will be hurting too and doesnt know how to go about expressing it, heck we have enough trouble with that ourselves and weve gat many more years of life experience to build on. Acting out, being bratty, or going off the rails a bit is unfortunately all too often par for the course for our children... just another consequence that doesnt cross the WS's mind when they only thinking of themselves.

You may try talking to her about it, but chances are she will reject your attempts and close you out, still its worth a try. Next is to try and arrange some sort of trusted environment with a friend where they can open up a little about how they are feeling, my daugther a few years younger than yours found talking to a friend of hers whose parents are divourced to be a big help for her. If all else fails look at getting some sort of counselling, be it through the church, school, or privatly.

Still knowing that they are acting up, and why they are doing it, IMHO doesnt mean that you have to overlook it.

As for the situation with your WW, have you decided what you want to do yet? Do you want to work on R or are you heading for S? if R is your aim then at some point you will have to open up to her, perhapes after first putting thought into what your boundaries are, but withdrawing totally will not achieve R and is at best heading you towards a limbo land M. Even if you do want R if your WW isnt willing or able to put in a significant effort as well then at some point youll either have to say enough is enough or accept the status quo...

Its ok to drift along for a while but In the long run you need to make sure that its you that is stearing your boat and that your not just allways difting with the current.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say for me so far out I dont see ever having a real M.

Daughter keeps me in it.

But its not the old nice me while I can and am nice to WW even though at some levels she disgusts me.

The only progress I ever made was by becoming an asshole when she acts stupid.

No point to my post except telling the newer guys here being pragmatic and talking it out never worked for me. being a bull has.

To those who do have wives you can talk to and have really connected at the deep level you are lucky and I am happy you can make lemonade out of lemons.

Sometimes I think it gave me false and now I see reality.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I just want to update my story. Apologize if I am rambling...

So, I've told her I'd give her a few months for the sake of our daughter. Let her know when I actually file for divorce.

When she pleaded and behaved so differently this time showing some form of fear and remorse I was shocked. Her action had been so deliberate. I felt there was no alternative other than divorce. I gave her time to get past tax season and other personal things accomplished. I also fear the change that comes in divorce, but see it coming anyway. Definitely, feel like it is unfair for a man, especially in my position.

This weekend we talked some more. She presses me about how I feel about the situation. I told her I hated her, I told her she was a slut, a whore, and awful person. She agrees, she says she deserves nothing. She desperately want to speak to a counselor immediately, I told her to go for it, I'll come if she needs me. She wants me to come later. Honestly, just don't know I can love this person anymore?

Turns out this second affair was with a 26 year old kid. He was wanting to marry her, have kids, etc. She started feeling the pressure and bailed.

After talking at length while the remorse is real this time, the anger is still there towards me. I still felt it. This along with just more details just pushes me towards divorce. Her head is just too fcked to continue anymore. Then, I think as expensive as divorce is, if she does get her sht straight should I stay so I can see my daughter every day.

Confusing, not a slam dunk decision, yet.

I'm finding myself getting angrier by the day at all the things that I feel destroyed our marriage. I feel like ultimately it is her and I, but these outside influences were just too much to deal with.

1) Her responsibility for her grandfather in the nursing home. Other familiy members just did not help. Too much of a burden for her to carry, definitely caused stress on our marriage.

2) My mother-in-law, moved into our house the same day we did. Her number one agenda was to see her grandson, would manipulate my wife to meet that need. My wife attended to her needs as well, diabetic and high blood pressure. If my wife would have put her in her place, we could have been ok, but instead it was jump, and my wife was how high. Stress, and source of many arguments in the marriage.

3) My brother-in-law, This kid asked me to be his best man at his wedding. I was honored and accepted, in retrospect it was all about getting his tux rental for free. That sums up our future relationship, all about getting us to pay or take care of his business. He would constantly dump his kids off at our place, so he and his wife could go drink, party, or whatever it is they did. While I saw it as being taken advantage of, my wife would see it as I just don't like her family. Again, more tension to this marriage.

We argued about something the other day. Her sister and her latest boyfriend showed up without calling one evening a few years ago. I remember being irritated as we were enjoying a peaceful evening together. I said she should have called before she came over. She argues in my family we just show up. I said in my family we call. I suppose it comes down to her family member thinking this was their mother's house and could show up as they pleased, and me feeling like it just plain disrespectful to us.

Man,
I hate where I am, but know some resolution lies ahead.

[This message edited by DFWMovieGeek at 2:49 PM, February 1st (Tuesday)]


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Ethelred,
Definitely had an impact. Prior to DDay, I was extremely focused at work; now I do what I need to do to get by.
What hurts is seeing my daughter say and do things in the way WW would.
I am no longer a hopeful idealist, I am a realistic survivor. I'm smarter now, but not very happy being smarter.

@DFWGeek,
Stay strong, keep posting, there is plenty of support here.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our divorce was final in mid-January. We have three kids and share custody.
The court's decree includes over $3,000/mth in permenent alimony and $1,500/mth in child support. Worse, both of these backdated 7 months. So I owe her over $30,000 and then going forward.

I live in, pay for and maintain the marital home, now to be sold (in a lousy market). I paid off her car and repaying a home equity loan for the car her boyfriend drives.

I do not have and cannot get the money either to pay the 'arrears' or the current court requirements.

My attorney is filing a motion for reconsideration. I have talked with a bankruptcy layer. But because bankruptcy does not affect court orders and the only other debt I have is mortgage related, bankruptcy doesn't change anything.

I am self-employed in a business that is less than half of what is was before the recession. My ex has a secure job with benefits and pension.

Your thoughts on how to live with these circumstances are needed.

And if anyone klnows of divorce crisis services available in New Jersey, please tell me.

I've always done the right thing. But I cannot do this. If I try to pay the mortgage and related bills and a little food and pay $600/mth in COBRA health benefits, I cannot pay the alimony and child support. Yet the court insists that I do this.

Please help.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn merlin, you are screwed-this is the reason I stay M'd-just another 13 yrs ta go...my only advice is to leave the country.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin, have you outed your XW? If not, would threats of doing so get her to bend? In your case, I would be sorely tempted to tell her I was going to tell the kids, friends and family about all the nasty stuff she did, because you have been so horrendously victimized, and continue to be so, that you have no other recourse.

I know that sounds low and dirty, but she is reaming you up the ass, and doesn't care one whit that she is doing so.

ETA: also, are there any alimony reform movements going on in your state? If so, get involved. Maybe you could tell your story (in a way that was safely anonymous so you wouldn't have to worry about defamation of character lawsuit nonsense), as a way to help add momentum to this movement, if it exists. Might go nowhere, but at least you'd feel like you were doing everything you could to help fix a broken, evil system.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 9:33 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

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