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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far in the discussions with my WW about divorce she has said that she is willing to be amicable.

i'm not sure if i am in for a fight yet but i have a feeling that she will not contest this

Don't count on this happening. Lawyers don't tend to be amicable, in fact quite the opposite. Be wise as a serpent if you go the D route.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 13yrs, welcome to our place.

If youve decided beyond doubt that you want the D and the M is finished, then youll get plenty of support here. Follow that goal, its not easy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel you just gotta keep moving along.

If there is any doubt left that your making the right decision, then my advice would be too go about getting your ducks in a row, getting your situation stabilised, before you actually file, and even then you know that you can stop the whole process at anytime up until it has been finalised, although whats occured during the process may make that untenable.

Lawyers don't tend to be amicable, in fact quite the opposite.

i agree 100% with this, the whole basis of operation for a lawyer is confrontation, going for as much as possible and only giving up what you absolutely have to to achieve the goal. And really you cant blame them, after all that is their job.

If things are amicable and you can come to an agreement without involving the lawyers and just use them to process the legal aspects then your much more likely to come out of it both feeling like youve been treated fairly. Without building up any great animosity towards the other party. Unfortunatly things often dont work out that way when your dealing with someone that has their head up their own ass.

I consider myself lucky that my STBXW and I seem to be able to discuss and agree on things before we go to our lawyers.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't really want a divorce i want my wife back and my family back together under one roof ... but that's not going to happen because she has her freedom now and she's going buck wild ... we got married at 18 years old when she got pregnant and i think that now she wants to have her wild years she never got cause we were married ... i want her back and i think i always will

but i can't sit here suffering and waiting for some one who does not want to make things work and i think that one of the steps of healing myself is breaking ties with her the emotional bond has already been severed now i want the legal bond to be severed as well so i can move on with my life. the funny thing is that even if i wanted to sleep with another woman i wouldn't cheat on my marriage such as it were and a divorce will free me to do so even though i doubt that i will for a long time coming, but i may feel diffrently in a few months and i don;t want to wait a year to have things done.

i want to do this as straight up and unhostile as possible because i don't want to fight or even hurt her but i think she needs the title of adulteress to follow her around forever she did everything she could to earn it and she needs to wear it in shame or pride such is her choosing


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my girlfriend cheated on me and pretty much destroyed everything I thought was stable in life, you would think she would at least make things easier leaving.

Not the case. She felt as entitled to everything I worked for as she did to find sex outside of the relationship. At the breakup, we mean nothing to them. Many guys make the mistake of trying to work amicably while the WW has no problem taking EVERYTHING and playing dirty.

Don't tie one hand behind your back. Let the lawyers take care of it. For me, even though I paid for EVERYTHING, she took the 1 piece of leverage she had to basically black mail me in to giving her my life savings.

Marriage is about love, Divorce is about money. Never forget that.

You didn't start the war. But once you go to war, you go to win.

[This message edited by oftenwrong at 8:50 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"At the breakup, we mean nothing to them. Many guys make the mistake of trying to work amicably while the WW has no problem taking EVERYTHING and playing dirty.

Don't tie one hand behind your back. Let the lawyers take care of it. For me, even though I paid for EVERYTHING, she took the 1 piece of leverage she had to basically black mail me in to giving her my life savings.

Marriage is about love, Divorce is about money. Never forget that." Oftenwrong


13years,

This is the truth of it. Once one party 'goes legal' the other has no choice. You must lawyer up too. And with the baddest ass lawyer you can find.

Trying to be a nice guy here will get you fleeced, enslaved and broken. While its laudable that you don't want to fight or to hurt her, 'divorce is all about money' as 'oftenwwrong' writes.

Law is an adversarial process conducted with professional advocates. You need pros because the law is not fair, just, right or any of that - its just law. It is a crazy place, it makes no sense except to the professionals (who are more concerned with 'winning' (whatever that is in divorce) and their pay.

A law is passed and implemented. It is modified over time by social norms, cases and precedents. Each case is supposed to be considered under the law as modified by precedents. But that's not what happens in 'family court'. They (lawyers and judges) just do what they did the last 1,000 or so times, no matter that the present case (your life) is the matter at hand.

If you go into this any other way than knowing the above and that you are in a fight, no war, for your survival, you are not paying attention.

Sorry for the bluntness. But this is how divorce works.

You are not going to get what you want (your wife and family back under one roof). In divorce and under the law, you are not likely to get 'justice' or even a fair process.

"Throw down your truth and check your weapons,
Don't look to see if you're alone,
Don't turn around whatever happens,
The next voice you hear will be your own" Jackson Browne.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

today i have been debating pursuing a D and i have decided to wait for a few months when i am in a better frame of mind to handle the decision. my mom pointed out something that i didn't think of ... what if i divorced her and she went and married this other guy? i think that i would break worse then i am now and i might never come out the other end

i think it better to be prudent and wait to see if i change my mind about wanting her back so bad ... of course i have been all over the map so i may change my mind tomorrow


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother,

She is either going to stay, leave, marry someone else or play the field. Holding a legal marriage over her to ensure she doesn't marry someone else will only delay the inevidable.

If your only reason not to D is to prevent her from marrying someone else, then the pain in store for you will be far worse than doing what is best for you.

I don't know what the correct path to take for you is. It could be D, R, or separation. I do know that SHE needs to be in the marriage 100% or it is not a marriage. You will suffer and more importantly, your children will suffer.

There is nothing wrong with waiting and I don't want you to think I am pushing you in either direction. Just make sure the path you take is for the right reasons.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have decided to wait for a few months when i am in a better frame of mind to handle the decision. my mom pointed out something that i didn't think of ... what if i divorced her and she went and married this other guy? i think that i would break worse then i am now and i might never come out the other end

13,

There is no better way to assure that she continues to move away from you, your marriage and your family than doing what you describe. For she bears no consequence for her actions.

Better (for her), she knows that you are banker, safety net and training wheels for what she think she knows is a clear alternative to you.

She gets it all and at the same time? What do you get out of this, being a thoughtful and nice guy?



"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know it's probably best to end it soon but i don't know how to deal emotionally yet she's been gone less then a month and i only confirmed the affair a week ago today .... i really am disgusted with myself for being so weak willed right now but i can't seem to stop myself


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Depends on what 13 does with that time Merlin. If he screws up like me (and others), heíll stay focused on her and her needs thinking sheíll come back. At that point, sheíll crush him because heís proving she can just wipe her feet off on the doormat he is. Making life altering decisions in an emotional haze may not produce the results you want, or could end up being something you regret. I know Iím not the only idiot here who at first, just bent over and pleaded for her to stay. The lesson we learned was harsh; If you act like a doormat, youíll be treated like one too. In some ways, I think you almost have to go through that harsh lesson before you really get the concept behind the 180 and working on yourself.

13... Just from your response earlier about her marrying the OM and this bothering you, I can tell you are way too focused on her. You want to get to the point where you donít really care and accept sheís going to make a choice and have to deal with those consequences; Itís not yours to make. You can not change or control another person, so stop trying. Itís going to get you crushed. You can however change yourself. You can grow strong, mentally and physically. As you grow, youíll find your strength of conviction. Youíll start detaching as well, so what she does wonít bother you as much. Itís sort of like now when my WW screws up or says something harsh to get a response, I can shift that initial anger/defensiveness into something more akin with pity or laughter at the attempt. You can get there.

If you arenít strong enough right now, thatís ok. But that inner strength should be your focus. Find that strength from within where you wonít tolerate being treated like this. Find help, and post. Weíll help you along. Step one: Find a better reason for being in the marriage than distress over her remarrying. I remember the look from my wife when I let her know I got to the point that I was comfortable that my children might call another man Dad some day... Waywards donít think that far down the line, but will twist it into ďselfishĒ so she really hears ďSomeday the kids will call someone else MomĒ. The stunned silence.... Priceless moments in my backwards R(?)


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agh... you posted 13 while I was composing. Itís good you recognize your weakness. That is truly where you want to focus your efforts. Donít feel bad.... Like I said, I was brought to my knees at first too. I was way too weak to leave her. I did everything I could to fix the problems she saw in the marriage. And the end result was just more of the same. 8 months of this from me.

And even now, a year after doing the hard work on myself, Iím back at square one rebuilding. Over the winter I slipped comfortably back into the old me who pacified the wife and accepted less than I wanted. The end result is also not so different... more TT, more passive/aggressive out of me, and tons of inner conflict. So... I gotta hop back on this horse and start once again liking who I see in the mirror. Itís damn hard work, but worth it. Even if I divorce, the changes Iím doing will serve me well in single life too.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah i gotta work on not wanting her back right now i am trying the 180 no contact but i had to contact her today and tell her i made counseling sessions for my two oldest but i did it through text message though so no speaking occurred

i know i shouldn't want her but dammit if i don't 13 years is not easy to forget and throw away ... i wish i knew how she could do it so easily


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i want her back and i think i always will...the emotional bond has already been severed now i want the legal bond to be severed as well

13yrs, Be careful here, just because you have strong feeling of anger or possibly even hate, the emotional bond has almost certainly not been severed.

In fact if you were able to sever it so quickly i would suggest that you wouldnt be writing the way you have here, you wouldnt say that you may allways want her back.

In reality the legal bond is by far the easier of the two to terminate, even in places where there are minimum seperation terms of a year, like where i live.

Im just concerned that you will find yourself reacting very emotionally at some point in the next year or so and then come down hard on yourself for being some sort of whimp, or nutjob or something.

here in BM, we preach standing up for yourself even more fervently that elsewhere in SI, because many of us have found it to be one of the few ways that has a chance of re-establishing any form of respect for you in your WW. We all appreciate that it seems counterintuitive to a new BH, but many of believe its your best chance, bassed on our own experiences.

But ultimately you know your situation best, you can decide what advice to take and what to ignore, i dont think anyone here will stand around saying we told you so in 6 months time it it doesnt work out....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont think anyone here will stand around saying we told you so in 6 months time it it doesnt work out....

Amen to that! All of us ignored at one point in time advice that seemed obvious to everyone else but ourselves. Emotions have a way of twisting our logical thinking. No matter what path you choose, we will be here to help.

After all, we have all been where you are and know exactly what you are going thru.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think i have turned a corner last night

i hate being at home so i went to my boy's house and watched tv with him i left at 9pm and because i am an idiot i drove by my inlaws house where my wife is staying with my two youngest (the oldest seems to always stay with me and my mom ) and she was gone again ... she can't seem to quit going to see this guy and i know what she did instead of staying home the mintue my youngest and middle were in bed she ran off to go bang this guy or whatever with no thought of her children as a matter of fact i know thats why she has no problem letting my oldest come over and stay every night because he is the one that notices and calls her on every thing and he would have noticed that she is still leaving and she knows he would tell me

i still miss her but i miss and mourn and feel grief at the loss of the wife i used to know. i can't wait for this sorry piece of crap to come back because i couldn't work on the marriage with a sorry piece of crap. i know that somewhere in there is the loving mother the caring person that she used to be but she pushed it down to bring out her inner slut/party girl ... i hope that one day when the weight of all the damage she has done has fallen on her she can go back to being that person for herself and her kids. but i might not be around at that point.

so the game plan as i see it now (hope i'm smart enough to stick to it) is to continue no contact unless absolutely necessary and even then short sweet and to the point and mainly through text. work on myself and keep working out. clean and rearrange my house. be strong and there for my 3 sons. get my sons lives in the best order i can and i already got IC for the older two. work on remembering that i don't need her and i don't want her. wait the year for the divorce ... maybe sooner but i need to be more stable before i make life changing decisions and also because i'm not ready for her to be trying to bring in step daddies to my children.

thanks guys for your continued support i appreciate it; this is a good place to vent and get perspective and advice


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just going to throw something out there that seems so invariably true that it's almost spooky.

If the BS wants to divorce, the WS wants to try and reconcile. I don't recall ever hearing a case here on SI where both the WS and the BS wanted divorce. Maybe it happens, but people in that situation are not drawn to SI? Or have I just not noticed?

My WW had suggested D before I found out that she was cheating on me. I was taken by surprise, and pleaded with her to give things a chance.

Then, I discovered her cheating and told her we were done, period. All of a sudden she's just absolutely desperate to stay married. I ended up divorcing her. She was beside herself.

Go figure. People are psychologically nuts.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
13yrsGone
♂ Member
Member # 31351
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that but she is so infatuated with the OM right now that i know she would actually be glad to have a chance to marry him.... it may sound petty but i won't give her that chance not yet

as for me being a back up plan she can think that all she wants but i will never take her back because she is not the person she was and i would not be able to tell if i was getting that person back or the new trashy wife and there would never be any trust there ever again

i don't have to decide about divorce today i know the divorce is going to happen and when it does it will be me that is the one that files it whether it is on grounds or adultery or just plain separation i have yet to decide i am just going to bide my time and wait things out for a while longer


Live for the future I know its your prerogative but when you just live for the past you become a part of it.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NC
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i still miss her but i miss and mourn and feel grief at the loss of the wife i used to know.

Dealing with the recent death of my mom, I went back and reread some things on the stages of grief. My reactions were very similar during the two D-days which revealed WW was no longer the wife I married.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring her back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your loved one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

she is not the person she was and i would not be able to tell if i was getting that person back or the new trashy wife and there would never be any trust there ever again

I tried to coax who I married out behind that wall of hers for years. It's an illusion. There are only two possibilities:
1. The woman I thought I married didn't exist at all. She was play-acting all those years and I bought into it.
2. The woman I married died during her A's and she's never coming back.

So now what? I can either deal with the new version of her or kick her to the curb. What I can no longer do is waste time hoping the woman I married(or the illusion) will ever come back. That won't happen. But then I'm no longer the man she married either, so she has the same choice to make.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

13.... Stop believing that she's going to just get divorced and marry this dude... You have no idea if this guy is interested in just using her for a booty call or if he even wants to get married and take on a woman like her with baggage....

You're making too many decisions based on too many assumptions....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL,

If the BS wants to divorce, the WS wants to try and reconcile. I don't recall ever hearing a case here on SI where both the WS and the BS wanted divorce. Maybe it happens, but people in that situation are not drawn to SI? Or have I just not noticed?

Maybe I'm the exception that proves the rule. I filed and got her out of the house when she wouldn't give up OM. She never looked back, like 25 years never happened.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
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