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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome, cap'ntal. My WW had an OM who stank like cheap cigarettes & BO, but the second one(that I know about) was def a step up-he's a GQ type lawyer dude w/a $250K+ house by the river & a gummint job. Too bad he wounldn't leave half his shit for my WW-he was married too.

Welcome to the "my wife fucks around" club.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Cap'ntal -

Your previous post reminded me of my exWW and her decision making process. I was a clean cut, shit together, balls to the wall NCO in the Army and she was a nursing student. OM 1 through 4 were shit bag bottom of the barrel slugs. Makes a guy wonder WTF?

Unfortunately, as Fleet said, Welcome to the "my wife fucks around" club.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
CaptainTal
♂ New Member
Member # 30766
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome guys.

Mr. Kite - in answer to your question, my wife writes mystery/thriller novels in the.... wait for it.... CHRISTIAN GENRE. That's right: Writing for Jesus while trolling for penis. The mental gymnastics waywards must do....

[This message edited by CaptainTal at 10:00 PM, January 12th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH (31)
Her: WW (30)
3 kids: 6,4,1
D-day: 06/29/10. False R through November. Now working on real R. Or so I'm led to believe.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: United States
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the mwfa club Capn!
Nice to have MC's that lay the lash...
After putting up with false R and all the lies, trickle truth, blameshifting, and lack of remorse - the MC/IC (husb & wife team also) told me to just let her go.
So I joined the dilligaf club. (Jimi's president)...

There was a spiritual angle to my story as well, as the OM (well, the one I know of)- was a ghost_hunter...a self-styled paranormal_investigator.

False R sucks.

The good thing to come out of it is that it sounds like you are no longer an AMC (average married chump)...answering to her beck and call, or responding to her manufactured crises...I get a vicarious thrill from those stories, what with their just-so, perfectly placed dash of cynicism...

Hope she's evidencing true remorse. She may want to re-think her story, and make it authentic, one of the heart -
because (to paraphrase Wendell Berry a bit) the writing of a person divided against themselves does not even have the power of the simplest tribal song...

This is a good piece I bump alot...have at it. Hope it helps:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite - in answer to your question, my wife writes mystery/thriller novels in the.... wait for it.... CHRISTIAN GENRE. That's right: Writing for Jesus while trolling for penis.

Ah yes...the horny Christian wife. When WW and I met, she was into New Age stuff like 'A Course In Miracles.' I insisted that she become a Christian before we could get married, figuring that would fireproof our marriage. Her one demand was that we share separate bank accounts. Hmm...

After explaining to her that adultery=hell according to the Bible, we plunged into the church baptismal pool together, hand in hand, and I breathed a sigh of relief and got married shortly thereafter. Idiot!

The mental gymnastics waywards must do....

My request for a logical, reasonable answer to her repeated "falls from grace" has usual been met with a blank stare or a nonsensical answer. I gave up asking. When I look in her eyes, the lights are on but nobody's home.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite,

When I look in her eyes, the lights are on but nobody's home.

This!


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part, gents, is when "the lights are on but nobody's home"...

Its because of a serious lack of introspection, empathy, and the all important remorse.

Without these critical elements, you may remain in the "my wife fucks around" club for a VERY long time, with OM after OM after OM.

Or....Divorced.


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
mkgit
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Member # 30208
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I look in her eyes, the lights are on but nobody's home.

PERFECT. "nuf said"


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2010
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its because of a serious lack of introspection, empathy, and the all important remorse.

Without these critical elements, you may remain in the "my wife fucks around" club for a VERY long time, with OM after OM after OM.

Or....Divorced.


H&L,

Yes, all true. Somehow, she cannot look into that abyss. And so our family is destroyed. I opted for divorce early though. She was unwilling to stop seeing OM, I was unwilling to be banker and hotelier to a slut. That was over two years ago, the wheels of divorce turn slowly (and expensively) here.

My oldest son was here yesterday (I'm still in our home, trying to keep some semblance of stability for our kids). When I asked him why he was here instead of with his mother (its her week), he said that he wanted to be somewhere where somebody would talk to him. So the 'silent treatment' goes to her kids as well as me. She cut off all her old friends when the affair went public.

Introspection and empathy are traits she lost when she took up with OM. So asking her to relate to anyone from her former life is an exercise in futility.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1084 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, triple post.

[This message edited by survivorman at 3:18 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, triple post.

[This message edited by survivorman at 3:22 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my WW is seriously lacking in the introspection/self-awareness category as well. The best part of our most recent mediation session came when I asked for some assurance that she's getting proper care for her, um, whack-a-doodle nature (for my son's sake, not hers), and she responded with accusations of "control issues," "emotional abuse" and several other opaque statements that had been carefully pre-canned by her lawyer.

Almost as good was her insistence that she had no choice but to move out because I wouldn't respect her "marital privacy" -- said privacy having been employed chiefly to cloak WW's secret correspondence with OM, to facilitate her lies that she had cut off contact with OM, to hide other evidence of her EA and its aftereffects, and generally to hasten the demise of our marriage. She even managed to keep a straight face while saying all this, which is way more than I could do while listening to it.

I still can't get over how she thinks I'm somehow trying to control her by asking to speak with her therapist -- this after WW spent months Internet-stalking OM and battling some really scary paranoid delusions. At this point, her internal demons can chain her to a rock and eat her alive for all I care; I just don't want my son's life adversely affected if that happens.

She also keeps throwing back at me the fact that I once told a friend that I didn't think WW could be trusted in her own head, as if that says more about me than it does her.

But of course it's all about her and her fantasy narrative of escape from an oppressive marriage. Reality need not intrude.


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
survivorman
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Member # 29515
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And for something completely different. My WW was always ridiculously proud of being a Virgo -- she embraced the sign's supposed stubborn, independent-minded aspect -- and now it turns out she isn't: http://bit.ly/gyRgfD (link to Minneapolis Star-Tribune).

Heh. Take that, you newly minted Leo

Although I have to say, this doesn't sound much like her:

Love triumphs over all for this sign [Leo], which is ruled by the heart and operates from this dimension too.... Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget. When a relationship breaks down (even a long standing one) they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.

ETA: Added more good stuff about her new sign.

[This message edited by survivorman at 4:39 PM, January 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BH; Her: Slime Mold; DS7
D-day #1 6/09; D-day #2 8/10; divorced 3/12

After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone


Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: survivorman
CaptainTal
♂ New Member
Member # 30766
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The lights are on but nobody's home".... I love it. So true.

One thing I've been thinking about - it seems to me like it might be a lot harder to get a WW to wake up than a WH. Now let me preface what I'm about to write by saying that I am in no way belittling or diminishing the pain a BW feels. Being betrayed is awful no matter what, and plenty of WH's never get themselves straight.

That said, we do know that statistically it is much less likely that a M will reconcile when there is a WW than when there is a WH. And in spite of other explanations like "women are more emotional and so get more attached" (which may be true), I think it ultimately comes down to the fact that most WW's have very little incentive to wake up and change.

Think about it. Let's say, gents, that the shoe was on the other foot. You were the wayward, and your wife was the betrayed. Unless you are really a dim bulb, your wife reminding you that she can take your house, take your kids, and take half your paycheck for the next two decades should serve as some motivation to get your head out of your ass.

On the other hand, what is the incentive for a WW to change? In most cases, what does she have to lose? I know that in my state the law doesn't give a damn if I D my WW because of the fact she cheated. She'll still get the house, the kids, half my paycheck, etc.

My WW was so foggy about the OM that she told me on D-Day I "ruined her one chance at true love". She spent until at least November believing that OM was the man God had planned for her, that I had been a big mistake, and that God had brought him into her life to be with now. (Apparently she thinks God condones cheating in certain cases. Can't totally blame her though - apparently she thought the first "W" in WWJD was "who" rather than "what". Rimshot). Anyway.... despite these facts, I can guaren-freaking-tee you that if on D-Day she faced the prospect of moving to a 1-bedroom apartment while paying for my house, losing her kids, and giving me half of her money until roughly 2020, she would have lost the blinders real fast and gotten her crap together. She's into stuff, and would become a nun before she would give up her money. So my point: we as BH's are at an inherent disadvantage because we have no leverage to apply in helping our WS's come out of the fog and get their acts together.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just saying this because I'm bitter, but that's how I feel right now.


Me: BH (31)
Her: WW (30)
3 kids: 6,4,1
D-day: 06/29/10. False R through November. Now working on real R. Or so I'm led to believe.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: United States
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on the cusp of Leo and Virgo, so I could 'relate' or choose the other path...

All who believe in tele whatever the fuck kinisea...
RAISE MY HAND!

I have to say boys, the capn has posted in
jfo... took me a long long time to do that, so kudos to you capn! That was brave of you.


Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and i pretty much agree with everything you just said cap, so to even out the field - I focus on advantages. Can't do nothing but rail against the inherent disadvantages anyway, so I'd rather spend my time, you know...doing the other thing.
You're a good man. I think we pretty much all are. It's a good beginning. A good place to start.

Posts: 6005 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In no way should any Pisces be offended by reading this. I'm merely looking at these comparisons and linking them to my own WW. All people are a combination of both positive and negative characteristics. Astrological signs are mostly generalizations run amok, although some of this is right on the money.

WW's sign is [February 19 - March 20] Pisces(cold as a fish)

- Oversensitive
- Indecisive
- Self-pitying
- Devoted
(not so much)

Pisces needs a dominant partner of role model in their life or they will very easily fall into a pit of self-pity and self-undoing. They are unable to be on their own for long before they start dreaming in their imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. They need other people to keep them grounded and on the right track.
(This explains a lot because I am not dominant but tend to let people have all the space they need to fail or succeed. The opposite of a micro-manager.)

They are extremely sensitive and loyal. (To whom?)

They want people in their life who stir their emotions because this helps them to practice emotional stability. (What?)

They will try to escape or avoid a situation instead of confronting it. (Truth)

They are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good. Pisces downfall is their sensitivity and their inability to reject another person. (You think?)

The Pisces personality is hard to pin down, it is very mysterious and elusive.(Good luck getting a direct, honest answer.)

Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world.(Spot on)

She needs to nurture and will give the man orders, but only for his own good. (Yup)

The feet are the most sensitive spot for Pisces. Massaging the feet and sucking on toes are usually Pisces favorite and will get them steamed up and ready for action. (Wrong! Thank God!)

They like to seduce. Role play that you are in an old fashioned brothel and get them to seduce you, they love erotic games for they are able to get completely involved and lose themselves in the erotic play. (Wrong!)

Pisces likes risque encounters and offbeat activities. A very fun partner for those who like different encounters and physical sex. (Wrong again!)

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/pisces.htm

So what I've gleaned from all this is that WW found some OM's she could boss around for their own good and who sucked on her toes. Disgusting but food for thought.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
HurtingandLost
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Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kite-

Laughin my ass off. Taking orders and sucking toes? If it were true, you would be MUCH better off simply being the Betrayed. I'd almost feel sorry for the OM!


holding out hope
UPDATE: Hope's Dead

Posts: 430 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: CO
deeppurple
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Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, January 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW is a Scorpio - lights have been on for so long, she's blinded herslf & cant find the off switch.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Proview
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Member # 24215
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

throwing manuer at a wall here. but this here stuck out:
"my wife fucks around" club


I have had an expiphany of sorts. It may just be the sleep deprivation talking but in the US women are told from birth that they are pretty pretty princesses. They will one day meet their KISA. He will rescue them and they will live happily ever after. No work, commitment, or actual sweat involved. So I am wondering as women get older do they find that if they DONT get their KISA early and get married ..is their fairy tale over? OR That a womans value in our society goes DOWN as she ages bc she has to compete with the younger more attractive next generation as a mans value goes up (if he is handling his business). They feel like their fairy tale is falling apart and therefore must do something to live it out...dunno. Is it a supersized sense of entitlement???!!! If I am not making sense, I apologize. have not sleep in a while...


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2009 | From: AZ transplant
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