Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you believe is the reason she can never be a true partner?

Is there anything you can come up with that could make her a good partner?

If you had a magic wand, what is something she can do tomorrow to give you even the smallest hope?

Keep asking yourself these questions. If the answer is, nothing... or not a chance to anything, then your path is clear.

Sometimes as we get older, it becomes more and more difficult to change. I resigned myself to accept my grandparents were rude drunks and just had to accept them.. I knew they would never change no matter what the consequence was in their lives.

It sounds like you both are in an in house separation. If you two are not working towards a common goal, it may be a good idea for you to start branching out in to healthier relationships. Though I am not a big fan of that and there are risks, if there is no hope of your relationship, you should start considering moving on. (While basically co-habitating as roomates)

Ask yourself this question, why do you want to R?


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask yourself this question, why do you want to R?

I got two kids under 12 w/this woman, & love them both immensely.

What do you believe is the reason she can never be a true partner?

sexual abuse as a child has left her wonky.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any part in that R that has to do with your wife?


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
crazyart
♂ New Member
Member # 31510
Question  Posted: 10:45 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice for someone trying keep all the horrible imaginary images and scenes I keep replaying in my head from getting me so down 0or replaying them at all? I love my wife, believe she was a bit out of her mind when the A happened, and I want to forgive her and forget, but I just keep seeing them together in my head. All the sex we had was so much more powerful and intense with me, but it does not seem to help that much. I feel powerless sometimes and it hurts so much.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any part in that R that has to do with your wife?

not really, oftenwrong.

Honestly-I've lost the love I once had for her about 3 yrs ago. When someone you pledged your life to will look you straight in the eye & lie, it really just kills it, IMO.

We can barely make it now w/both paychex, & it's getting worse daily w/gas going up daily. D would leave both of us struggling immensely, I will see my kids every other weekend, I'd have to sell my place & move in w/my buddy in the camper I guess...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crazyart, they will fade with time.

Welcome to the club, my man-good stuff here.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any part in that R that has to do with your wife?

IMO there is a sort of magic time that is soon after Dday wherein IF the WS were to really do the work. be transparent. have remorse - REAL remorse. have empathy. Really strive and commit to rebuilding they BH and the M. I think if this time is seized by the WS - then R becomes a strong possibility.

Sadly many WS dont do this. They are too caught up in saving face. Blaming they BH. The M. The phase of the Moon. The celestial alignment of the stars. AND (MOSTLY) just continuing to lie. AND not letting go of the happy memories of the A. AND the OM. This IMO dooms R efforts right from the beginning.

After that magic time has passed. Then its lost forever. And its time to give up on WW and find our own path.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64fleet,

How does your wife feel about in house separation? Does she believe she in a marriage right now? Is she indifferent or in her mind (however warped) is the relationship normal in her eyes?

I think you are in an impossible situation and are trying to make the best of it.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crazyart

64fleet is correct that there is gradually a lessening of those tormenting images. The brain is an interesting organ of the body. We can have only one thought at a time, although it may not seem like it because they come and go so quickly. So what you do is replace that tormenting thought with a pleasant one. It takes discipline.

Think of the mind as a projector. Something triggers it and it shows images of your wife in bed with another man. You now have a choice. Do you want to watch the whole movie, change the reel to watch something you like, or turn the projector off. Sorry for the weak analogy but it's all that comes to mind at the moment.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

That magic time for my WW must have been measurable in picoseconds. when I asked her (at the wrong time I guess) to give up OM and work on our marriage and family, she just said 'sorry, I can't do that right now'.

After that, she was, just as you said, caught up in pride, guilt, big time lying to EVERYONE and blameshifting.

And gone like a puff of smoke (except for that big alimony thing the court did for her).


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In her mind, the M is normal.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go as far to say that my WW probably thinks our M is good.

Queen of denial.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really wish it were possible to inform WS's of this magic time - in hopes that it might be taken advantage of.

As I said tho. Sadly most are too deep in denial and self delusion.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine the queen of denial-the DR keeps telling her my boy is too fat-he weighs 186 @age 11.

she still buys chips, sodas, cookies, donuts...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been there for a year now you said. Was this situation where she bounced back something you were waiting and hoping for, or is it just an event that sparked off you thinking about moving everything forward for once and all? What was it you were waiting for that time during S? Her coming back or term to D?

Still:

This is an interesting question. I feel like I've gotten much more clarity now. Before, I supposed I always had hope. In fact, even until last Sept (we were separated for 3-4 months), we tried to R, but it was very brief and False. When OH finally moved in with her in Oct-ish, that's when part of me died. Since that point, I had been getting myself used to the idea of being alone, but the thought of the broken family (kids, etc.), was holding me back. Then, only in the last month or so, I've gotten more resolute in my desires. Is it a coincidence that it happened while my WW was kicking OH out and that relationship fizzled? Maybe, or maybe I was just tired of sitting there. Who knows?

All I know is I plan on telling my WW soon that I do not want an R and see what happens from there. I know she'll make a run at it and say all the right things about re-committing, etc., but the thing is, my heart isn't in it, even if she says it.

I know the time to decide (R or D) takes different amounts of time for different folks. For some, it's instantaneous after DDay, some can go years in limbo, some a couple months, I guess my tipping point is right around now.


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64
mine the queen of denial-the DR keeps telling her my boy is too fat-he weighs 186 @age 11.
she still buys chips, sodas, cookies, donuts...

Mine bought me a V-Day card filled with words of hearts and flowers.

Blue.

Before, I supposed I always had hope.

Hope is a soul killer. Hope allways sets you up for disappointment.

some can go years in limbo,

I resemble that remark.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
Blueeyedfella
♂ Member
Member # 29944
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

razor, just read your profile - dang, brother, you have the patience of a saint. So what's keeping you "in it" after all these years?


Me: BH (Mid 30s)
Her: WW (Mid 30s)
Married 10 years, together 15.
2 kids under 4.
DDay: Jan-2010
4 false Rs with varying degrees of "trying" - same result
Dec-started mediation process.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blue.
So what's keeping you "in it" after all these years?

It may sound shallow - but remember we all have our own personal reasons for the choices we have made. These reasons are unique to each of us and our situ.

Why do I stay?

The economy.

Being a retired old fellow. If I could divide my retirement funds by 2 (may be more..) and still live comfortable. I would be gone.

I dont think its fair that I should have to give up most of what I earned. A good portion of which I earned WHILE she was in her LTA. And live poor because she couldnt keep her knees together.

Why should I be punished with poverty for her selfish and stupid actions?

The economy keeps me *in it*.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3087 | Registered: Sep 2007
crazyart
♂ New Member
Member # 31510
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Mr.Kite and 64fleet.
I am new to this, but I can tell you all understand like few others.
I know time will make things better, but I am a pretty emotional guy and I suck at hiding how I feel. It's like I have to get it out of my system for a day, then I feel better. Then a a few days or a week later, hits me again.
The worst part is that I usually end up trying to tell her I'm sad and she just gets even sadder and then kinda mad that I brought her down or ruined the "good" vibe we had going. Then I feel like I'm being selfish for telling her I had a down, sad day.

Today, I am better. I can even think about that those images and it does not bother me. I just feel helpless when they hit.

Thanks for listening guys!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2011
Between a Rock
♂ New Member
Member # 30871
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know time will make things better, but I am a pretty emotional guy and I suck at hiding how I feel. It's like I have to get it out of my system for a day, then I feel better. Then a a few days or a week later, hits me again.
The worst part is that I usually end up trying to tell her I'm sad and she just gets even sadder and then kinda mad that I brought her down or ruined the "good" vibe we had going. Then I feel like I'm being selfish for telling her I had a down, sad day.

I'm right there with you on the whole roller coaster of emotions but if my WW were to get mad about about bringing her down I'd think that would give me the strength to send her packing.


But you, you’ve gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.