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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, was anyone else expecting jjct having girls from the Playboy Ranch as chess partners?


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reggie,

I haven't started dating yet, although two women have expressed at least a smidgen of interest in me. Flattering as hell, and completely fried my circuits, because I'm too much of a nutcase to handle a relationship right now.

They were both divorced, and of course, yes, I've wondered if they cheated on their XH's. Just the thought is a huge wet blanket that suffocates desire.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 8:10 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone that is divorced having difficulty forming a new relationship? I am so damn gunshy, I am no longer myself.
I wonder, am I permanently damaged beyond repair?
Looking back at the relationships I have had, I would say that in 75% , the woman cheated on me.
Were we all sold a bill of goods about women and relationships?
I just do not trust women anymore. I see them cheating a lot.

Reggie, I have been there brother. 100%, every serious relationship I have had has cheated on me. It got to the point where I trusted no women. They were all lying sluts who would spread their legs at the drop of a hat. My bitterness lasted for quite a while.

I then looked in to my own patterns and behavior. I realized I was my own worst enemy. I was seeking a very similiar typed woman. I set myself up for failure and at the same time ignoring the good, honest women that were out there.

You can trust again. For the first time, I trust completely and without hesitation a woman I am seeing. Find a woman that will challenge you, that will have the same honor and moral code you hold deeply. Most importantly, find someone with the same capacity of love that you are able to give.

When I look back at my previous relationships, I realized I was the one giving, and they were the ones taking. It was never a 50/50 partnership. I would say it was more like 85/15. Now that I have a true partner, it really does feel amazing.

It can happen. A big part of it is knowing what you want, and going out there and getting it. As men, we need to be forward and bold.

[This message edited by oftenwrong at 8:15 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jjct!
Now that we have had our fix I can go on with life! I hope you dont dammage that thumb playing, you know that is only temporarily yours

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:18 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
reggie
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Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right, it is definitely the type of that I am attracted to that is the problem. I need re-wiring.
Okay, off to measure my penis, again, to reassure myself.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
oftenwrong
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Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need re-wiring.

You need to accept that you cannot save anyone, or ever fix someone. That is not our jobs.

Find validation by loving someone and them loving you in return.

I found I was seeking these women out due to self esteem issues. Keep telling yourself that you deserve the best that's out there because you give the best. It's really that simple.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
reggie
♂ Member
Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to overcome the fear , first. Each time this happened to me( being cheated on) it took me longer and longer to come out of my shell. Something to do with child abandonment issues, I expect, make this really tough to overcome.

I really like this forum, though. Lots of smarts on here. Makes me realize that smart , successful types take this hit, as well.
I think the writing on the Betrayed Men's thread is some of the best on this site. Lots of wit, obscure references. I bet we could kick the cheating women's butts in Trivial Pursuits or Jeopardy(sp?).

[This message edited by reggie at 11:53 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

about re-wiring

Some head shrinker wrote in Playboy that a man or woman should have 12 long-term(over 1 yr) relationships before marrying.

I'd bet many of us have not had even 1/4 that number, so that really means we should have shopped longer/better before M.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
oftenwrong
♂ Member
Member # 27822
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes you have to roll the hard six. Put it all on the line.

The reason why it is difficult to come out of your shell is because your inner voice knows these women are going to hurt you. Use your spidey sense, that visceral gut reaction and trust it. My current SO, my gut sense immediately told me she was perfect. I never had that reaction before. Before this, like you, ending up with toxic women and endless pits of need, I always went in with caution because I knew deep down that I had to beware.

So I proceeded with baby steps only to be later "shocked" when they lived up to my lowest expectations.

It really is liberating when you give yourself to someone and they give themselves in return. It isn't being foolhardy with your emotions. It is about engaging in life and taking the risks that yield the best results. If someone does not appreciate that gift, you move on and find those that are worthy of that gift.

All a good woman really wants, the ones that are keepers, are to know who you are deep inside. They won't judge, they won't throw you away and they will want to support you in all things.

Basically, to do all of the things you have been doing all along with less deserving women.

When you do meet a woman, find out what you need to know... Once you do find out it is what you want, you need to go all in. Don't smother her obviously but don't be afraid to share things you have been unable to with anyone else.


ME - BSO (35 yrs old)
Her - XWSO (31 yrs old)
LTR 10 years - There can be no 2nd chances


Posts: 995 | Registered: Mar 2010
nofeelings
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Member # 31694
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some advice on 180 and how to deal with WW that seems to think that 2 weeks is enough time to "move forward". My story is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=402062
I consider myself a good guy and constantly put other needs before mine (especially family). It breaks my heart to even think about moving out and leaving kids even for a day, so that is not an option for me. I also feel better if I can talk to WW and most of the time she says the right things. Also HB helps me a great deal to - I am pretty sure it is the reason I can still sleep at night.
We are going to MC and IC (same person) and she want to continue that, however she feels that we need to "make progress". To me it sounds that she wants things for her to go back to whatever it was before A. I want to make sure this never happens again and she starts to love me and respect me as a H. Is there a way to do 180 if you want to keep HB and living in the same house?


ME BH 35
Her WW 32
Three young kids
D Day 3/16/11
Trying to R

Posts: 114 | Registered: Mar 2011
reggie
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Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think one employs this 180 during reconciliation, does one? If you are HB and she is doing the work, why 180? Is she still lying or blaming you? If so, HB sems a little over the top.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
nofeelings
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Member # 31694
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reggie,

Any time I ask her to give up something (especially her health cub) she gets angry and starts blaming me on not sacrificing enough during our 10 y M. And also says that we are not moving forward - which I think is too much to expect 2 weeks after D day.


ME BH 35
Her WW 32
Three young kids
D Day 3/16/11
Trying to R

Posts: 114 | Registered: Mar 2011
reggie
♂ Member
Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I agree then.2 weeks out and she has the temerity to raise her voice to you about a reasonable request? That is completely F'd.
Just detach. You cannot control her. She still blames you , right. You should not have any time for that crap.
HB might make detaching difficult, though , due to the bonding chemicals released.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Angry  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofeelings-sounds like a rug sweep to me-typical WW stuff IMO-"I'll quit fucking OM long enough for you to get over it & hopefully forget".


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofeelings:

how to deal with WW that seems to think that 2 weeks is enough time to "move forward".

The amount of time it takes to begin to recover from betrayal depends on the BS and the situation but 2 weeks is ridiculous.

It breaks my heart to even think about moving out and leaving kids even for a day, so that is not an option for me.

Good for you but your WW knows this and is probably taking advantage of it. A WS who has little remorse(one way to tell is she is still blaming you) may use what she perceives as a weakness in you("he'll never file for D because of the kids") to keep getting her way.

To me it sounds that she wants things for her to go back to whatever it was before A.

That will never happen. Your M may eventually be stronger or weaker but it will never be the same as it was.

Is there a way to do 180 if you want to keep HB and living in the same house?

The 180 is not about "us" but about you. It helps you to become stronger within your M. For example:

"Don't follow her around the house."
"Don't ask for reassurances."
"Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent."
"If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested."
"Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything!"
"Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value."
"Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil."

Any time I ask her to give up something (especially her health cub) she gets angry and starts blaming me on not sacrificing enough during our 10 y M.


Reading your post, I noticed that her EA/PA began at the health club. Her inability to see this as a trigger for you and a potential repeat of her past misdeeds shows definite signs of her being "in the fog."

Right now it should be about her getting her act together and you healing from infidelity. She's not in a position to make demands of you. Or at least shouldn't be.

If possible have her get involved with SI in the 'Wayward Side' section. There's lots of good help there.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Mighty
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Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh geez yes, you do the 180 during R. The 180 is about YOU. Work on you, focus on you, and start moving forward with your life. She is a shadow, a ghost that still haunts; Treat her as such. You can have discussions with this ghost. Those discussions are about YOU (the betrayed), trying to get the understanding of what happened... She knows this information, you do not. Yet, you do not work on the marriage and it’s issues until you are comfortable you at least know what happened. The marriage is dead, those problems died with it. She murdered that marriage.

Also, just a forewarning. You’ll probably be stupid like the rest of us, so go ahead and forgive yourself now. You are going to start changing your ways to please her concerns thinking it will fix the marriage. That is a problem.

The marriage had nothing to do with the “why” she had affairs.. Not really. Fixing it will not solve the real problem. The real problem is your wayward’s other relationships; She is ok with having these other relationships. Your relationship with her wasn’t bad enough to just end it (assuming it wasn’t an exit affair).... so it’s not as critical to fix problems with it. That is YOUR power here you need to understand: She wasn’t ready to leave you. You do not have to “be nicer” because you didn’t cross that line to start with... you can push it farther and she probably won’t leave the marriage. Knowing this power can help you: Don’t worry about rocking the boat. Detach emotionally from caring whether or not the marriage will continue, and you are suddenly free from anxiety and worry about her reactions.

As long as your WW can create a circumstance where it’s ok to go outside the marriage, you have a problem. Because for you, you can not avoid every circumstance; it is impossible. And for her, if something is bothering her, she may tell you, you might change it... but she’ll find something else to make these other relationships “ok”. Unlike healthy people, she see’s solutions in others instead of herself and within the boundaries of a healthy relationship.

And sorry, as long as she doesn’t really feel she’s lost everything already, but instead has gained because now you are doing what she wants, she won’t “get it” and there is no reason for her to change a thing. She might even start seeing this as a solution for her marriage problems.

Enter the 180... let her start feeling the loss of you (someone she couldn’t leave) and questioning herself as to why she let herself risk this. By working on you, you do actually make yourself more attractive. You put up a fence between you... your grass is greener. Make her work to climb into your yard.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofeelings, your wife isn't in R. She's rug sweeping. 180 her since she isn't interested in helping you. If you keep on how you've been going I predict she'll go right back to her same behaviors.

Also, brace yourself for a shit ton more information since she's reading out of a playbook we all know by heart. She gave you NC but how? She call him in front of you, send him a letter you saw her write, or she just give her word? Cuz her word is kinda mud atm.

You have transparency? As in, all her email, phone, you name it? Cuz she needs to prove to you she can be trustworthy - and if she bitches about it remind her who fucked that donkey without benefit of tequila.

If you are gonna ride it out get Not Just Friends by Shirly Glass and read up the healing library, especially the 180. Your wife is not on your side right now from what I read in your post over there.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
3yrwait
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Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoFeelings,
As Mighty and others stated, this isn't about making her feel better about what she did to you. This is about YOU feeling better.
You can't control her actions, but she can't control your feelings.
I suggest you detach as much as possible from WW and the other negative forces in your life. Spend time with those you enjoy being with, including your kids.
It is not up to her to decide when you should feel better about her mistakes.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 450 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 31st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&AP=1&HL=

Posts: 6019 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
reggie
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Member # 31682
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there some sort of official position on recommending the Ws tell kids and the affair parner's spouse? I recommended the WS do this and I did it respectfully. Next thing I knew, I was off the Wayward section. Are differing views tolerated over there?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Minnesota
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