I transitioned sucessfully over to BM on ICR, but still maintain contact on the other two boards
Thanks for the great discussions on this board!
Just wanted to say hello, and that you've been heard. Your profile lays out an excruciating situation, but it sounds like you've hung in there pretty well.
I've found a lot of salvation in the gym and sports, too. WW is no longer with either of her OM, but I'm still learning how far back the lying goes.
D-Day in October 2010.
Separated In August 2011.
Divorced in March 2012.
I am a doormat, too. Did everything I could to please my WW in our marriage including giving up my career to stay at home with the kids. Yes, it was tough. She wasn't happy, either and she eventually (slippery slope!) started treating me poorly and I let her. Found out about a 2 year affair last feb ('10) and tried to reconcile for about 9 months and of course, she let me, encouraged me, trickle-truthed me (and caused me an ass ton of pain and treated me worse than ever) until a MC finally told her to cut me loose already. I asked her to leave and she refused. So, in true doormat fashion, I left and got a job. I've been living 2 hrs away and having the kids every weekend for 9 months now and I finally understand it isn't right. She has continued to be with OM and the kids know him well although he does not sleep over. I could have sued her for fault based on adultery but did not want the kids to see her like that. i have been protecting her integrity this whole time. I still think that's important but I want to stand up for me. I'm now asking for half time with the kids, i'll move back and rent a house, get some child support from her and half all of our assets (401k, etc.). I still know I could ask for more but if i can get what seems amicable and save a ton of money on lawyers I am still willing to do that.
But. Everytime i see or talk to her I still reel. She knows my buttons. Not sure if shes narcissistic but she sure is selfish.
Anyway, hey guys.
I moved out after she refused following my discovery of the A, I see the kids a little more frequently, but we are both victims of WWs horrible acts PLUS lack of remorse AND their selfish need to keep everything the same for their lives. All I can say is HANG IN THERE! This sucks but it cant last forever.
i have been protecting her integrity this whole time. I still think that's important but I want to stand up for me.
I hear you man, but think about whose expense you are protecting her integrity at, or even what it is you're actually protecting since the integrity is all on your side of the field. What you are protecting is her well being, state of mind and status quo; there's no integrity there.
I know it's easy to say and hard to do. Just want to point out that YOU got the integrity in this situation, not her. Don't let that go or give it away. Be proud of it.
The OM in my case got popped for child abuse (yes the nad kind) and is getting prison time. 5+ years.
Hope he enjoys Bubba
Thought that would make a few guys feel better that the karma bus does role around once in a while.
I feel sorry for the kid, but great to hear about some karma actually happening.
My opinion in divorce when you have the angle. It's my way or the highway.
Wish I was. Until the WW sticks to her word and gets the personality disorder under control, I can't move forward, sideways, or back. Not really looking forward to paying child support on two more kids on top of support paid for two oldest ones either. My oldest is currently lost in the BS land of his uterus donor, who has convinced him that shoplifting, lying, and disrespect are appropriate behavior. She's also taught him that Dad's an Ahole for getting knee deep in his shit when I found out, and its ok now to not talk to me if he doesnt feel like it. Her solution to the shoplifting was to ensure that he now has cash in his pocket when he leaves the house, so he wont steal!?!?!? Umm, am I the only one that sees an issue with this approach?
So maybe I'm projecting a bit, but I dont want to be in a position to go down that road with the younger kids.
Stay strong guys!
A lesson learned but not headed in my first marriage to a cheat. I took the high road, never spoke an ill word about the POS WW to the kids, and let her dictate everything she wanted in the divorce.
She never followed through with the divorce decree, and the commissioner where I was divorced wont enforce his own decree. WTF? She had student loans for her degree, and the decree stated that she was responsible for them. AFTER the divorce, and AFTER I was remarried, she "rehabbed" the loans in MY name and walked away scott free. They're on MY credit report in default. Went back to the judge and showed him evidence of this and that she had not repaid me money she stole and he wouldnt hear the case???WTF??
And now, my oldest kids want nothing to do with me unless I'm shelling out dough, which I refuse to play into.
My current WW, who I think is trying hard to avoid pissing me off at the moment, is no different. A whole lot of "I will take care of it, I wouldnt do that, I dont want that" etc, and ZERO follow through. I trust her as far as I can throw her.
I do dishes
I do laundry
I iron clothes
I get kids ready for school
I drive kids to school and pick them up (they dont go to same schools)
I then go to to work and put in a full days work at a stressful job
I cook meals for them
I go grocery shopping
I take them to doctors visits
I help them with their homework
I talk to their teachers
A wife and mother would be like.. big deal!.. I do that every day.
But you see, I never had to do these things on a regular basis for about 17 years (I married young). We each had our roles during the marriage and I was the breadwinner. She was the SAHM for the most part only working part time hours for grocery money. I wasnt sure Id be able to step up. My XWW sure didnt think I was going to be able to.
For me it was scary at first but Ive been doing it for 8 months now and its not such a big deal anymore. Its just me here, I don't have a babysitter or family members helping me out right now.
I stopped to think the other day about all the changes in me since d-day and D. I took a moment to be proud of myself for being able to adjust as best I could to the aftermath of my wife's betrayal.
Wondering if any of you guys out there are also going it alone and making it thru D or S with young kids?
[This message edited by Reborn Again at 11:07 PM, October 17th (Monday)]