It causes some BH to lose weight, drink, withdraw from those who love us, and wish for death. If we let it, it can effect us mentally, physically, and change our demeanor making it impossible to ever be in another meaningful relationship again (not that i'd want one). The anger and hurt can actually eat away at us over time, i.e. balding, grey hairs, lack of sleep, poor work performance, depression, stress, etc.
I will end in saying that at some point as betrayed men who have D'd or are on way to D, we need to say, "fuck it, it happened, my whore wife cheated, i've dealt with it as best I can, and now im going to try to move on and live the best life I can".
To do otherwise would allow our WS's more power and influence over our lives than they deserve.
[This message edited by Reborn Again at 9:33 PM, December 5th (Monday)]
jjct, thats a perfect man hug. I agree.
DDay 4/6/10 Filed DDay, smelled it coming, again
She moved to her happy place 5/2/10
D final 11/18/10
Thank God I got the dog.
I'm curious, of the WW's that have stayed in the fog, divorced, then gone on to marry their AP, or a different guy, or just in a relationship with some other guy, what percentage of those xW's are truly happy?
I don't want to hear back that you wish or envision they are living a misearable life, but those of you who have found out what your xW is up to, or stay in touch, what percentage are really happy? Or are they unhappy with their life, but it's too late for them to come back.
I've read polls where most divorced couples, either one or both wished they had never divorced.
Or if you could point me to some statistics or articles. I'm really curious what the percentage is of WW's that have messed up only to realize it's too late? Or maybe down the line the BH has accepted her back even though they are D.
Hope that makes sense.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
No. I might be able to forget about it for varying stretches of time, but it would dog me till my final days.
And then what would happen after my final day? <<<shudders>>>
So what if all this does NOT occur to the WW, and she moves on, seemingly happy. It's my thought that such fleeting happiness...the seeming of it - is shallow at best. In the dark of night, alone, we are all confronted by the certainty of our mortality.
- "But at my back I always hear. Time's winged chariot hurrying near" Marvell
- "And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid." Eliot
I can actually sense this in my first XWW. She married the AP.
Now, she's regularly going to church, but there's a sense of sadness, humility, inevitability about her. Almost as if I can hear her internal dialogue going; "Please forgive me, please forgive me!" on and on and on.
It's a burden I feel blessed to be without!
(don't worry, I got several of my own )
I expect it's a lot of what you said, that they are unhappy in life but feel it's too far to go back. Or just plain unwilling to admit error.
It's been a long time since I posted but I wanted to add my 2 cents on this topic.
My FWW's mother cheated. She is still married to the ap after 30 years. She is absolutely miserable and will quickly tell you. But she will not divorce again because she doesn't "believe in that"...perma fog
FWW's Uncle's wife cheated on him and married ap. AP ending up murdering her son and burning the house down to cover his tracks. She rates as also in the not to happy camp.
FWW's cousin cheated on her husband with the lurv of her life. Left her husband and married ap. He beat her half to death on a regular basis and she finally left him after a couple of years. She literally looks like she is 90 years old and she hasn't hit 60 yet. Chalk up another one to the unhappy camp.
Side note: One would think that after seeing the coping mechanisms of the women in FWW's family I would have seen this coming. This is why believing that FWW was "different" from her FOO and would not go that way was my stupid belief in the "Hollywood" type love. The very best thing we can do for our kids is help them see people for who they really are.
She will have her time at the gates, so will I.
and there it is...
The quote that brought me up short on this subject...real short (scared the bejeebers outta me)
1Pe 4:18...And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?
I'm not righteous by any means. Even if I was. I'd be scarcely saved.
<<<<jj, puttin the scared in scarcely since....
I don't remember when
My boys are doing good, better than I expected they would. We share custody 50/50. No CS or alimony of any sort. I live less than a block from their school, so even during the weeks they're with her, they still come home to me for a few hours in the afternoon, until their mom gets home from work. (I play music for a living, so I'm always home during the day)
So I see them almost every day, and I'm very thankful for that.
It is possible to survive this shit!
[This message edited by roadscholar at 7:04 PM, December 12th (Monday)]
If they are not happier, they will still say they are. Just to spite you.
If they are truly happier now, then they will make it a point to let you know.
I learned that its all bullshit. Right now my XWW's idea of happiness is being able to freely drink, party, and have sex with different people. Later on I suspect that she will settle down with another sucker for financial reasons, marry him, and then say how he is everything I never was and it all worked out for the better.
When dealing with WW's, its all bullshit and as soon as we learn to not give a shit, is when we are truly free. Yes, it would make us feel better if our XWW's ended up miserable for what they did, and came back and said so, but I think in most cases that will not happen and we should not spend time worrying about whether it ever will.
The real question is whether, years after d-day, are you as a BH happier? Have you done the work to rebuild your life? Did you turn lemons into lemonade?
I know for me I would have been happiest if my XWW had never cheated and we could have remained an intact family. But my XWW changed all that and now Im left to make the best of the cards Ive been dealt.
[This message edited by Reborn Again at 12:04 AM, December 13th (Tuesday)]
When dealing with WW's, its all bullshit and as soon as we learn to not give a shit, is when we are truly free
I HATE these abusive bastards who treat the gals like shit.
I want to seriously beat their asses. I cannot believe the shit they are putting these good girls through. FUKKERS!
They don't even give a shit about their own kids and I am so fukkin angry at the damage they do to SUCH LITTLE ONES!
STOP being such a STAIN on our chromosome! Pussies!
I am officially madder than a dam bob-tailed bull in fly season.
These girls are GOLDEN. We need to help them. I'm near to formin a fukin POSSE. Someone get the rope.