Love it (with minor alterations).
This is ME
Esp love that she has boobs bigger than mine IRL
[This message edited by Laura28 at 12:48 AM, February 18th (Friday)]
Itainteasy, Another welcome. And yes, itís fine to post here. You donít have to suffer directly to need support and that is what this forum is for Ė support. There are quite a number of older people on SI, so your future MIL is not unusual in that respect. And age does not mean she is any less devastated by what her WH is doing. Your future FIL is either in the fog or, as ats has suggested, he may be losing it just a little. A mental check up could be in order. Your fMIL should follow the 180 and set out some boundaries on unacceptable behaviour. It is no good him stepping beyond the pale and then she just lets him back in. Def the wrong message.
Hugs. Iím off for the day. Still not sure what FWH (WH?) is/was up to, but the constant alerts are calming down. the trouble is, Iím not sure if that simply means he is hiding [whatever] better. BTW, anyone seen this? Betrayedspouse101. It was a link over in Gen on revenge.
That's all I've got. Late to bed and early to rise; I am not likely to be at the top of my game today but am about to start mainlining coffee.
Laura: I love that you adjust the pic and leave the bare naked boobies in the pic! Lol. Good distraction tho, so I'm all for it - hope one of them doesn't pop up and hit you in the eye tho.
I'm glad to see everyone is relatively well.
H and I had another talk last night and while a lot of things were said, I wanted to bounce this off of y'all:
Given my sitch with the kids and all, the only firm boundary I have is if he was to breack NC. There is no way on Earth I could justify that in my head. Anyway, his point is that if he was still in a relationship with OW, and I "caught" them by finding hte photo, wouldn't he have been taking more liberties to see her over the past 2 months, given what's been going o with us - it's basically been that I don't ask anything about where he is and, other than the superbowl thing ( and the overnight trip he planned prior to my finding the pic), he's been staying home. He also has a very accurate recollection of the last time we had sex, which was not the case while he was in his A.
Granted, a lot of other stuff sucked about our relationship, but it could be worked on if I knew OW was out of the picture completely. (Beep beep Karma bus coming thru! Lol).
Hugs, honey. I'm off to get ready for work now!
His point last night was that how is he going to show me he loves me, I'm his priority,e tc. if I am refusing him to have any contact with me. I see that point, but I also know my initial reaction is that I don't want to go back to doing what we were doing. He wanted to know how he could show he's committed to me and I started babbling.
Ok, I got to go too.
Laura, good photo shop. I'm still blushing about....
Nell, I agree with your discussion about how the WS hides it, and we will believe what we want to believe. That happened to me for years. WH found a way to explain away a lot of stuff, even stuff that I pursued a bit, but in the end, subconsciously I chose to believe his stories. Talk about denial!!! I think I took years to construct my fantasy and now that it's proven to be a sham, I'm losing my sanity.
If you've ever seen the movie "Inception", the wife believes so deeply that the world she and her husband constructed was real, that she didn't believe/or deal with the reality. Sometimes I think I'm being like that.
Allgood, it seems like your WH has woken up a bit. Tell him step number one is to finish that book!!! Another step is to sit down and discuss sharing the parening/housekeeping chores more evenly so you don't get resentful. Perhaps even do some chores TOGETHER. I know my WH sits in oblivion when I'm running around like a chicken without a head cleaning up before company is coming. Suddenly he seems to wake up as I'm finishing and asks, "Do you need any help?" When I ask him didn't you notice that I was going crazy here? he answers that he didn't know what to do.....
I thought of another example, one that you may tell WH. When 2 oldest sons were 12 and 16, the oldest would come home while I was rushing cooking dinner (I worked all day too) and whining "When is supper ready? I'm hungry!" and sit in the living room sulking (granted low blood sugar!) The younger son would come in the kitchen, survey the stove and quietly start stirring and helping to get supper ready more quickly and then help set the table.
The younger son KNEW what to do, but my older son would need to be guided on what to do.
Yes, I am comparing these WH's to kids. <sigh>
Oh, BTW, I love the "Miracle Whip"!!!
Hope all have a good day. It's supposed to be warm here today. The first hint of Spring. I hope that groundhog is right and we'll have an early spring.
I really liked that picture of you. You looked so sweet and tough at the same time. From a guys perspective, you are wrong about the picture of Laura. The topless outfit was just fine.
The alteration really is nice. Good job.
My whole day will be shot to hell now. I can see that I will be day dreaming about going on this topless karma bus tour with all the beautiful ass kicking women from the LTA house.
Hugs to the tribe.
nc with ow, of any kind
no more nites out with the boys, he is a man now and its high time he behaved like one
read the damned book
help you with the house and
help you with the kids
talk to you about what he feels
tell you he loves you even when you are telling him you hate him
showing love is quite different then saying it....there are so many ways he could show you....and his defeatest attitude does not show you love, fighting for his family with everything you have asked is showing you love.....
as far as what they hide....they will hide it all if they think they can, what you don't know can't hurt you mentality...not to mention that out of sight is out of mind...compartmentilizing at its finest....
laura....gotta give you props, you are genius at this tech stuff and love the face, eyes still get stuck on those big boobs tho.. ...and i am a man lovin woman....imagine the men..
yup....big distraction, it will help get the job done...
I'm going to try to address all the responses (and welcomes) I have received..please bear with me..
I have made myself available to my FMIL as an ear/shoulder..as has my mother. She does talk to me, but she really saves the "hard" stuff for my fiance--who really, really can't take it. He is in the middle, and even though his loyalty is to his mother it's so painful for him to hear about what his dad does.
Re: getting FFIL checked out. I have suggested that MANY times!!! The most recent time I suggested it was just last night! My F told me that his mother said she was watching TV with his dad on VALENTINE'S day--when he was telling her about the show, and in the middle of his explanation he says "Tina, you have a big nose. I used to use this gun in Nam, and it never jammed on me...etc" (they were watching The Military Channel). He didn't even realize he said that to her! She immediately called him out on it and told him that after 73 yrs on this earth she was not going to develop a complex about her looks. I said to F "Your dad may be having a neurological issue. He NEEDS to see a doctor!" Saying "you have a big nose" is completely out of character for him. I mean, he does enough mean, insensitive things without getting into the looks..
About the stripper: She's younger than my F by 2 yrs. She is ABSOLUTELY trying to get money from my FFIL. And he GIVES it to her. When this all came out, we pulled his credit report online and found 4 secret credit cards, all maxed out to the tune of $29,000. All of which was given to or spent on her. He's 67--and still working because of his credit card debt. I told my FMIL to call their mortgage company to make sure he didn't take out another mortgage on their home---it's been paid in full for almost a decade. So far he has not tried to mortgage their home. We check his credit report every 90 days.
About me: Yeah...I've been through a lot in my young life...and I have had IC. I was in IC from age 16 to 26 (on and off). I had a lot of anger and abandonment issues (from my dad) and during that time in IC was when I was cheated on by my former fiance (age 19)---and then I went down the OW road (age 20-23). I "saw" a few guys that had girlfriends..and had an acutal A with a MM. I didn't know he was M for a YEAR into dating. It's a time in my life that I am so not proud of (the OW part...that's what I had control over and I should have gotten out as soon as I found out he was a MM) I got back into IC after I ended that "relationship".
I have encouraged my FMIL to go see a C....and she is resistant. She says my FFIL should be the one to talk to a C, because there is nothing "wrong" with her. I keep trying to tell her that it's not about if there's something "wrong" with her--it's a chance to work through the emotions, get a new perspective on things. MC is out of the question as far as FFIL is concerned, as he has done "nothing" wrong other than to "hide a friend" from his family. He's so full of himself...and the stripperwhore feeds that ego. He's the Knight In Shining Armor with the Bottomless Wallet. He "helps" her. Idiot.
My F needs to see a C, and we are currently looking for one that he is comfortable with. We've seen 3 so far--and he didn't like any of them. Hopefully #4 will be the charm.
I think I'll pick up Not Just Friends this weekend.
OTOH, she is withdrawing, and I think cutting (very small, but still) some more. She was upset about a scene in a resent show we watched, but only mentioned it indirectly. Last night I found her crying because of an issue with DS, but she did not talk to me about it other than to say what it was when I asked why she was crying. Today she had IC this morning, but has avoided talking with me other than the surface superficial. She is talking about being busy today and needing to work Sunday.
I know not to start down the path, but I find myself thinking it would be nice to have someone who would be supportive and comforting I could talk with and meet for lunch at times like this. I think I need to get back to exercising more.
off topic, we went to watch Black Swan last night. I did not get it. The mental illness stuff was all uncomfortable to watch. I will be happy when KungFu Panda II comes out.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:04 AM, February 18th (Friday)]
FFIL is still working. FMIL spends HER money--her pension. HIS money pays the "bills". She literally doesn't even know where the bills are. I suggested she take over the finances for the household, and she said that thought terrified her.
I also suggested she consult an attorney, to find out if HIS debt could be separated from her in case of a divorce. She thought it was a good idea but talking to a lawyer made it "too real".
Some days I'm at my wit's end trying to figure out what FFIL is up to, keep F sane, and comfort FMIL.
We're 3 yrs out from D-Day for my FILs. The A was 5 yrs at that point..the odd thing is that when F and I first started dating--this was one year into FFIL's A, I commented on how he was NEVER home. I even asked F, "does your dad have a girlfriend, or something?" F said "I hope not." 4 yrs later, we found out that he had this whole double life. Stripper was married, too--and her H knew about my FFIL. He kept his mouth shut because of the cash flow. Apparently one night the guilt consumed him, and he called my FMIL and told her everything. My FFIL knew the phone call was coming, and didn't get home in time to intercept it.
Stripper has 3 children. One of her pgs was during the A. So we wonder if the youngest child is FFIL's. He says the child isn't his, but he was there when the baby was born. F and I suspect that the child is FFIL's, but FMIL can't even stomach the thought.
Since you are worried about his credit report have you thought about putting a fraud alert on his credit. If these people get his ss# and birth date they can open credit in his name and run up some pretty big bills. Idenity theft is pretty easy if someone steals this info. You usually don't know about this until the collection agencys start calling. I know first hand about this. You might consider doing this for your FMIL too. It is free and easy to do. If you are going to have your FMIL scan some of the LTA thread you might want to be there so you can explain these past few pages to her. Some of these pictures might be hard for her to understand.
If a guy is going to drive the karma bus he may need to wear blinders. The kind where you can only see straight ahead. The boobs might distract him and cause a major problem.
Hugs to the tribe.
Some of these pictures might be hard for her to understand.
Are you a natural troublemaker?
I will say that I now have a new appreciation for butterflies.
I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. I hope that you and FWW find the balance... happiness seems to be on a bit of a see-saw between the two of you right now, doesn't it? Sorry.
Easy, thereís no fool like an old fool, and it must be excruciating to watch while his BW stands by. There is something she can do. She can take control. If she would do some IC, she would find strength and coping mechanisms. I didnít realise just how long this A has been going on and it seems your fMIL is resigned to just complaining about it while he H just carries on in his own selfish way. I donít really know what you can DO other than point her in the direction of help books, websites and counsellors. She has to take control or just put up with him doing what he does. The financial side is def worrying. Has she put any money into an emergency fund?
Ats, I seem to have missed something with you. Why are you allowing this withdrawal on both sides? Why are you still in the guest room? And this cutting Ė do you mean self-harm? Sorry ats, I think Iím a bit confused. (((((ats)))))
Still, there is a difference between feelings which aren't necessarilay true and our "gut". What does your gut say?
Computer crashed, but kept my notes as I was reading. FWH is on his way home (7.30pm here) but the traffic is bad, so he will probably be too late for dinner. I still donít know about tackling him about anything Ė itís all spurious speculation anyway. And heís away again Sunday afternoon. That busy time of year when he could slip a stay with MOW between exhibitions. But my meek acceptance that it was all ďworkĒ is understandable Ė it was very easy for him. My reaction now is to just zone out. I havenít called him or texted. Heís not here much until about 4th March, and thatís all I know.
Stir fry calls. And, it being Friday, a glass of something. Have a peaceful weekend.
(((Ats))) So sorry that you and WW are not connecting right now. Remember that even in a M that is not affected by infidelity there are ups and downs. It can't and won't always be a marshmallow lollipop relationship. (Okay, now you've got ME using the term.!) Hang in there Ats...if anyone can persevere it's you.
Allgood - Something to add to Miracle's list...wouldn't it be a big indication of Mr. Allgood's willingness to fight for your M if HE were to initiate going to MC/IC? He still wants you to do all the work?? I would make IC for him a condition of R.
Easy - You really are stuck in a difficult position. IMHO you're doing the best you can to support your F and his parents. At some point, they are all adults and have to take ownership of their actions or inactions.
UKGirl - Good link. There's some good stuff there. I didn't get through all of it but the parts I did read were helpful.
An update - saw the MC this morning and we got to diagram my FOO. Wow. Just wow. When we had diagramed my childhood, the MC described my upbringing as "brutal." I was blown away. I don't see it that way. I was not abused in any way, shape or form but I can see how she would think I was ignored and made to feel insignificant. It also graphically showed my uber sense of responsibility...how I had to fend for myself, and for the others in my family, instead of having someone take care of me. I always knew that I had a tough time shedding the "mother" persona with FWH once we had kids, but I can now see how over the years it became harder and harder for me to break out of that mold. And as I write this I see that even in our M, I became more and more the "parent" as FWH was almost never home. It's been an interesting morning and I'm beat.
H will go to MC but thinks it's a waste of time.
Lights were out last night when we were talking, would've loved to have seen his expression when I told him his behavior was borderline abusive. (I defintely heard some sort of gagging noise, like it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard).
Anyway, UKGirl - a glass of wine sounds really good about now. Too bad i'm still at work...
I hope everyone keeps moving forward on this journey and enjoys their weekend.