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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl: I'm so glad that your boys are all right. When I heard about the quake in NZ, I thought of them.

Laura, your aunt is in my prayers. I hope she doesn't suffer.

M3, I've seen 3 lawyers already, and 2 of them do not want to touch my case with a 10 foot pole! I'm really screwed.

{{{{Allgood}}}} You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:50 PM, February 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest

I've seen 3 lawyers already, and 2 of them do not want to touch my case with a 10 foot pole! I'm really screwed.

What does the third one say? Surely someone can protect your rights? I'm so sorry honey. It must be scary for you. Keep trying to find someone - preferably a really pissed off BW who will go after him for you.

To all my dear LTA friends both those who are posting and those who are not posting at present: I am thinking of you. I know it's not much but believe me when I say I really do care. Hope you are OK.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he could've done that, but he also says whacked out crap like "I'm not going to be accountable for every minute of my day"
allgood – where is his sense of common courtesy? When you are living with other people – whether spouse, parents, friends – then it is simply courteous to say where you are going and about how long you will be. Otherwise you are simply acting as a lodger with no responsibility or ties to anyone else in the house. JMHO and one rule I have always lived by and made my children live by. And, if you are going to be longer than expected, to call. It’s just good manners!!

Just had to get that in – gotta run. Catch up on the rest later……

BTW, the boys are fine. Didn't know about the quake until the news came through. They're pretty safe where they are. No calls to go to Christchurch (DS24 is a fireman) as help has arrived from Australia and Singapore.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,
Glad to hear yours are well and safe.

honest,
I'm sure you will find a lawyer who will help you. You don't want just anyone to take your case; it's actually a good thing if the lawyers w/out international experience don't take your case. You don't need to pay someone to make your life worse, right?

Allgood,
Perhaps we should set up a play date for our WHs. They can babble to each other in their special whackjob language while they make pretty bubbles in the kitchen sink.

Gotta run, folks. I spent a lot of my morning relaxing time cleaning up after the overnight bad-dog trifecta (urinate, defecate, rip apart the garbage... all on the carpeting, of course) so I'm now running behind.

Anyone want a dog? Only slightly used.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support.

My H basically grew up without much in the way of supervision or guidance. Since DDay I have finally realized that has caused a tremendous difference in our expectations in this relationship. We fight about things that should be givens.

Nell:

Perhaps we should set up a play date for our WHs. They can babble to each other in their special whackjob language while they make pretty bubbles in the kitchen sink.

Yea - they'd have a great time. Mr. NOfun will have to join them, of course.

the overnight bad-dog trifecta

You crack me up. Thanks for the laugh.

I still miss my dog and while I realize it would ultimately be a mistake (for the trifecta reasons quoted above), I know the day after my H leaves this house, I will wind up getting a dog. Lol.

I have a lot to think about.
Peace to y'all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G'morning Tribe,

Nell, I can add a dog to your offer and make it a twofer. This dog too is well skilled in the aspects of the Trifecta, in addition to a 110 decibel yap.

Laura and UKGirl, nice to hear (read?) from you.

Honest, its there an attorney referral group through the local bar association who may be able to recomend counsel to you with appropriate experience?

allgood and UKGirl, It is an interesting discussion about accountability for time when the FWS is out from the house. FWW will say she must work until 8, but then will not be home until 9 or later. In her mind she said she was "going to be late", and that covers it all. In my mind, I hear home by 8, and wonder much after that. This is so much a part of her personality that I just plan for it now. Maybe it is another one of those WS things, related to the seeming inability to see future consequences or to empathize?

Last night FWW and I sat down at 8:30 to watch an episode of Six Feet Under. We did not get past the titles and she started talking about today, recent events, and her IC. We ended up talking for 4 hours as she discussed feelings, things she is working on, a lot of information. This was one of the few times I got a true glimpse of her internal struggles and the depth of what she is working on. She talked about triggers related to her rape, and the abuse by her uncle that she is experiencing now that she has opened the box to these events. We talked about her cutting. We talked about how less than a year ago, 7 months after dday, she was still defensive about her A’s and did not truly feel the shame or regret.

Part of our discussion clarified for me how she could be drawn to the OM for their words of affirmation, but not feel anything for them. For me, to have someone's affirmation mean something to me, the person would have to be important to me, there would have to be an emotional connection. Not so for FWW. She was (is?) able to enjoy the positive message from someone while at the same time having no real feelings or connection with them. She really does perceive and experience the world differently than I do. She also talked about her struggle to allow herself to feel emotions without having them overwhelm her.

She told me she is trying, and hoped that I will wait for her.

ETA: She also told me she felt jealousy towards a woman I paid some polite attention to recently, and that it really bothered her. The woman I married did not do jealousy ever; she really must be changing.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:09 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

She has much to overcome. She is trying. She deserves much credit for her efforts. I know all of these things are hard for you to hear. Just think how hard it is for her to say them. Be patient and think how nice it was for her to say she wants you to wait for her.

Nell.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS, that is spectacular, spectacular news!!!

Even though it's sad, and hard, don't get me wrong. Your FWW has a very competent IC. Her progress is fantastic! I'm really proud of her and excited for both of you.

Allgood -- I agree with njgal and tryn -- just pull the plug. Maybe your WH will do what njgal's did. Maybe not. Either way, it's got to be better than this.

njgal -- I really think you are so right. I'm going to be a cheesy and paraphrase Dr. Phil again -- but he says something along the lines of -- you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences!

Honest -- find a list of the top D lawyers and have a 30 minute consult and see who they would recommend.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where y'all been today?

And, Honest: the chance of you finding a competent matrimonial attorney who is equally comptetent in areas of interntational law is pretty slim.

I've always seen your case as primarily a matrimonial case which just may have some enforcement issues due to your husband's location overseas. And, even then I just don't see it as being that big of an obstacle given the fact that he also has assets here where his share of them could be forfeited if he's not abiding by the terms of the court order.
Also - if the international issues are more prevalent than I believe them to be, your mat attorney could always bring in an international lawyer to consult with.

You are not going to be screwed, Honest, you are going to be the screwER.

But, it's not easy and you have to be prepared emotionally for it first.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just gotta love the LTA girl lawyers. Smart, helpful and so attractive. Both of them are the complete package for sure.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just gotta love the LTA girl lawyers. Smart, helpful and so attractive. Both of them are the complete package for sure

Can I get a "Hell yea!"


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hell, yea!""

UK - Add me to the list of those that are relieved to hear that your boys are not in harms way. Phew!

Honest - Don't give up!! This is too important! You WILL find an attorney that can help you. I think contacting the local bar association is a great idea.

Laura - I'm glad that you have been able to spend time with your aunt AND I'm proud of you for not letting OW3 get in the way of doing what you want to do!

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

This is the idea that has been percolating in my head the past week. You would all be proud to know that slowly but surely I'm pulling on the big girl panties and am coming to accept the new reality of my life. I didn't ask for infidelity in my M, but it happened and I can't change that. What I CAN do is use this as an opportunity to make positive changes in my life. I'm still feeling a lot of the emotion, but the pity parties are getting fewer and farther between.

FWH and I had a calm, frank discussion last night. For some reason either I was able to communicate more clearly or FWH was able to really listen to what I was saying. That doesn't matter as much as the fact that I feel like FWH really HEARD me! I basically told him that I am prepared to walk away from this M in order to be happy. I WILL be happy again...I will. I told FWH that I love him now and will probably always love him, but that doesn't mean that I can live with him as my H. I am more accepting that I will most likely have to go back to work full-time, which is something I have been struggling with. I am holding the line against sleeping with FWH when he is home and I was up front about not having any sexual desire for him at this time.

I am coming to terms with the very real possibility of S/D and I'm not as terrified as I was. I'm still scared, but not terrified.....baby steps. FWH had a MC appt. this morning and I was able to bring up some issues that are at the core of our problems. It helps that I trust this MC to keep us on topic and today, she stopped FWH from misinterpreting something I had said. She did it in a professional way, but she was very direct.

I understand that this may be just a upward part of the roller coaster, but I'll take it. As always, I appreciate the support of the Tribe.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hell, yea!


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell Yea!!! from me too!

I've been having a really difficult time, not sure what to do (although I know what I should do).

H has gone back to his old horrid ways of not speaking for weeks. It's his way of trying to control me. I've started to pack up a few things.

Hugs to all of you, I know you guys are having your own hard times. My thoughts are with you!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell Yea!!

nofun, you so do not deserve that treatment. ((nofun))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofun - Ats is right....it is NOT okay for your H to be treating you this way. Yes, you know what to do. In some ways it makes it easier when your WS is being a jerk...there is less question about how to move forward. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

(((Nofun)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, yeah!!!

nofun,
Hm. Passive aggressive much? I just did a little reading on this topic... guess why... and on narcissism. It's quite a bundle of fun. There would have to be a whole lotta love for someone, or a whole lotta the right dysfunction, for someone to live alongside someone with these traits. (It would also help if the NPD/P-A person recognized that there is a problem and wanted to work on himself. But I digress.)

honest,
Have I told you lately that I love you?

Allgood, I'm thinkin' superBS road trip. Soon. Because DAMN! I need a vacation.

Laura,
Caring right back atcha.

SisterMilkshake, I wonder where you are?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell yeah Baby!!!!!

Nell - dont trade in the dog - you cant buy that loyalty.
Trade in WH ?
Maybe I should trade in WW for a youger newer model - oh sorry thats the Jeep.

(((Tribe)))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hell, yeah!"

UKg - I too am relieved to hear that your boys are safe & not in harm's way.

Nell - our beloved spaniel went over the rainbow bridge mid-Sept and I miss him dearly but no more dogs for us... esp. not one with trifecta issues! This gramma is anticipating toilet training for our grandson any time now so that will be challenge enough.

Honest - Seems like Allgood has a good handle on your intern'l/marriage situation. Hopefully you will find a lawyer of like mind to help you.

Laura - I'm glad you have been able to spend time with your aunt. Good on you for not letting OW3 get in the way of what you want to do!

Ats: I think Dip said it for me...

She has much to overcome. She is trying. ... Be patient and think how nice it was for her to say she wants you to wait for her.

{{{NoFun}}}

H has gone back to his old horrid ways of not speaking for weeks. It's his way of trying to control me. I've started to pack up a few things.

Well, FWH will be home in a few hours. This is the 1st trip since Dday (4 yrs) that I have not been a nervous wreck... he has called regularly and not kept me wondering about his whereabouts. Perhaps the meltdown I had just before our anti-versary finally got through to him. I hope so.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hell Yea!!!"

I did contact the local bar association for that kind of lawyer and saw him, and he's the one who didn't want to touch my case!!

Thank you, Allgood, for your suggestions. I did do a lot of research last year and that's why I know I'm screwed.

Nell: thank you for your sweet words!! They really made me smile There is a good thread on "I Can Relate" about married to NPD. There is a lot of info there. I actually think a lot of these WS's have a lot of NPD traits. My IC says that even if someone may not meet all the critereon for a Personality Disorder, it is good to deal with whatever symptoms/traits they may be displaying.

Nofun: It seems such a shame that you feel you are the one who feels you have to leave and not him!! Check with the lawyers in your state to be sure that it is not considered "abandonment" in terms of the house. You do not deserve such treatment!

Strongish, You are sounding stronger, and bravo that WH is starting to hear you a little! Baby steps are wonderful. It's so hard to find a full time job, it's scary. I've been looking and haven't found anything that will pay enough to cover expenses. I know that WH should pay, but I would rather not count on him.

Lost, good that you are not feeling like a nervous wreck. It's good to take some of your power back.

Ats: Your fWW has been working very hard. It's good that she is confiding in you what she is feeling.

I'm still trying to detach emotionally. It's hard. I wish I didn't care anymore. I try not to let anything WH says, does, or doesn't say bother me, but it still does. I told him that I was going to the doctor and awaiting results from a CAT scan (all is OK, thank God) but did the asshole remember to ask me about it? Why should I let it hurt, but it still does.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I've been for over 30 years, really. I just don't like feeling lonely, which is something different and that I have also been dealing with for far too long.

Sorry for the pity party. I should be happy for the good news from the doc.

{{{{tribe}}}


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