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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first and foremost:

ukgirl and laura:

very happy to hear that neither you or loved ones are in the danger zone....

and laura i am praying for your aunt...


second:

HELL YEA!

lta lawyer gals certainly rock


ats: once again your wife is making amazing strides....the question is...do you see it?, do you acknowledge this journey? and most importantly will you be there for her?....

remember she will continue to have ups and downs...but she IS making continued progress....many more steps forward then backwards or even sideways...


allgood: letting go of the marriage to save it....not an attitude i would adopt....there are no guarantees, one would hope that when 2 people genuinely love one another they find there towards each other...but sometimes life does get in the way...it just not a way i would approach it...is it possible ... of course...it is also very possible the other way, ending the marriage forever.....and since you can only control you, bank on you and only you.......


strong: you sound amazing..i loved loved loved your post....you sound strong in your convictions...you go girl.....you will be better then ok btw.....attitude is everything, attitude, perspective and doing......and you are the total deal...


honest: yes where your ws is concerned i would definitely head into it believing and prepared for the worse...and if the worse does not come to pass....no harm no foul...but if it does, you will not only be prepared but you too will be ok....so in either case i think its best to be prepared for the absolute worst....better to be overprepared then under...


I told him that I was going to the doctor and awaiting results from a CAT scan

once again dear heart you are putting yourself out there in the hopes of getting something other then what he usually delivers...

he is not going to be there period...and expecting it to be otherwise is setting yourself up for not only more disappoinment, but more pain...haven't you suffered enough...isn't it time to stop putting yourself into that position....he is never going to step up and be the man you need him to be.....and that is the only way you need to percieve all matters with him......and i am sorry honest...you do not deserve this, none of us do....putting ourselves in those kind of positions is setting us up for absolute failure and delivering yet another blow, each blow hurts.....its time to stop giving him the power to hurt you.....


fun: first : are you sure that is why he is not talking to you....

if the answer is yes, then i think you are in a lose lose sich...

if the answer is no, then i think you need to find out the real reason and get to the bottom of it....

do not assume, find out for sure, ask him.....put him on the spot and tell him that if this is what he is doing it is literally pushing you out the door...

and definitely check with a lawyer before you do leave concerning abandonment...good pick up honest....


soul: yay....i am glad he is coming home, even happier that he checked in regularly...


nell:

Perhaps we should set up a play date for our WHs. They can babble to each other in their special whackjob language while they make pretty bubbles in the kitchen sink.


and


overnight bad-dog trifecta

so not really funny when you are the one stuck with all the mess....if you could see me now you would see me making all kinds of yucky faces, why....because been there and done that....this dog we have now, she has cured me of the need, want and desire for pets.....i love her dearly, she amazing with babies, toddlers and kids...but when it comes to everything else...well lets just say i am not too sure who is more talently stupid...the dog or pfm....nah, pfm wins that one hands down, although i think his brain is just as small as the dogs.....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: you sound like you are in a good place. I'm glad that for whatever reason your WH seems to understand what you are saying. I understand your reluctance to go back to work full time, but I think that if need be, you will see it will not only provide you with more independence financially and serve as a distraction when you might need one, but it can also be something that leads to new friends, new opportunities, etc.
You sound good tho.

Honest: Glad your test results came back good and I agree with Miracle about not putting yourself out there with Mr.Dishonest. Once things settled down overseas, I suggest that he be the 1st stop on the LTA Karma/ass=kickin bus. PM coming your way re your legal concerns.

Fun: Thinking of you. I'm sorry to hear he's back to this again. YOu seemed better maybe 6 weeks ago, you said you guys were spending more time together and enjoying it. I think you were going to buy snowmobiles or something like that to do together. What happened?

Lostsuol: Glad to hear you are well.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell Yea!!!

Hell Yea!!!

Hell Yea!!!

nofun... it's up to you to make a choice, and change.

Me, NO WAY I stay with someone who attempts to control me with silence. That is horrible behavior.


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would definitely head into it believing and prepared for the worse...and if the worse does not come to pass....no harm no foul...but if it does, you will not only be prepared but you too will be ok....so in either case i think its best to be prepared for the absolute worst....better to be overprepared then under...

For me...this is what I need to do. This is how I interpret what m3 said about letting go of the marriage in order to save it. In other words, face the fear. Prepare for the worst - S/D, going back to work full-time, having to trouble shoot an electronic issue with my TV/computer/phone... ...but knowing that if the worst happens, you will still be okay. It will be different than what you have now and in some ways worse, but in lots of ways better.

I do think though that you really have to be ready and willing to walk away. I'm not talking about using the threat of S/D to manipulate a WS into better behavior. Get into your head that the S/D is going to happen and you WILL feel stronger. Or so the theory goes... I'm still grieving the loss of the H and M that I thought I had, but I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

Honest - Take the time to grieve...but know that you ARE strong enough to stand on your own. You don't need Mr. Honest to be happy. For Pete's sake you already function as a single mom 90% of the time...you are alone already practially speaking. The good news is that you're not alone emotionally speaking. You have your wonderful kids, crazy family and your friends here at LTA.

Ats - I don't think I've ever seen anyone as patient and selfless as you (except for DeepPurple maybe). Your WW may be making what for her are huge strides, but you need to give yourself permission to make a life for YOU...a life that makes YOU happy. If you can weather the storm of your WS's recovery then that may be what you decide in the long run will make you happy. If not, then know that you have done more than 99% of men would do in your sich. You have already fought long and hard to save your M, but at some point you get to be happy too.

AS for dogs....my golden retriever has been one of my coping mechanisms. I can lavish the affection on him that I want to lavish on DS24 and DD22! He's always happy to see me, even if I'm in a bad mood. He's my running buddy in the morning and then we get a Starbucks most days. But Lord he can spread the dog hair around!

(((Tribe)))

[This message edited by strongish at 7:36 AM, February 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi!

Pulling the plug on my marriage..... Yes, it does seem like that is what will be.

He was gone for a few days with our boys. Later today will be the first time we spend any time with each other since Monday. I can see already from his behavior this am that he's in a very loving mood.

Not sure if today is the day I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him. Lol. Especially since I do want to give him a few more days to see what he does with them. (I realize that I have no reason to think any serious changes are going to happen, but I just need to allow enough time so I can go back to him and say - look you did nothing for x amount of days. I'm done.)

I've been lurking in S/D and New Beginnings and I have to say I'm a little skeered about all this dating biz. Herpes seems to be a much larger problem than I was aware of.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((allgoodnamesgone))

I do not know what to say other than I am wishing the best for you. For what it is worth, I believe Mr. allgood pulled the plug on your marriage, and has since refused to plug it back in and re-energize your relationship despite your pleas and cajoling. You are simply wrapping up the cord and putting it away so that you will not keep tripping over it.

Herpes seems to be a much larger problem than I was aware of.

It was/is for FWW. HPV is another real concern many are not fully aware of out there.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are simply wrapping up the cord and putting it away so that you will not keep tripping over it.

I like this concept.
I am also now considering the virtues of celibacy.
Seriously, what is with all the STDs?!?!?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling angry and extremely venty today, so I am not posting here. But I am reading. Hugs to all.
Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope things get better for you Nell (hug)

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nell))) Vent away!! You know if everyone only posts when they're feeling chipper then none of us would feel comfortable letting go with our grief and anger. Remember, we (the BS's) are the ones that cannot help but be honest...so vent as much as you need to.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Easy and strongish,
Thanks... I vented privately (two single-spaced pages worth) so I'm good.

Basically, honest's talk of dealing with P/A and narcissistic personalities/traits combines with miracle's mention of not so funny when you have to clean up the mess swirled around in my angry brain and came out a convoluted, cuss-filled vitriol against WH and his unwillingness to clean up his own damn mess. Not at all post-worthy. But a very nice lengthy FU to WH. Needed to be said. Was said. Movin' on...

Meanwhile, Boyo2 has a fever so I had to leave work early. Stopped at the sushi place on my way to daycare, put him down for his nap and watched 300 and had a nice picnic on the couch.

All's good in Nell's world.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a convoluted, cuss-filled vitriol against WH and his unwillingness to clean up his own damn mess.
YOu must have been in my brain tonight!! DS17 had his first spring lax game tonight...away game so usually the grandparents don't come, but the in-laws show up. The same in-laws that have not said one word of support to me....not one word. I've been their DIL for 27 years, have lived with and near them for most of our life, have supported them, planned family reunions, planned their 50th anniversary, etc., and they can't say one word of love or support to me. I expect them to support their son, but do you think it would be so hard for them to give me a hug, squeeze my shoulder, just say that they're thinking of me?? Apparently I don't rate that. So...just two more people that I can't count on. Wow...the list just keeps getting smaller. So, my mellow mood from yesterday is over and like Nell I'm filled with anger.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish- so sorry.
what is wrong with people?
my inlaws had both passed away before d-day.
But, I know that they would have been furious with my husband and very supportive of me.
I could picture my MIL hitting my husband over the head with a frying pan LOL.

I can't imagine what's up with your in laws.
Maybe they just feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing? and don't know how to react?

Nell, Allgood, Honest- sending out hugs

Ats- hang in there


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Nell}}}
{{{strongish}}}

Just wanted to send hugs your way. Damn roller coaster is starting up again for a lot of us.

Going through a lot of papers and getting very triggery. Wasn't there ever a time WH was loyal to me?

I feel so used and so betrayed today. I guess I'm just mourning.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest))) Hang in there honey! I'll be thinking of you tonight and sending hugs your way.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((nell))))
((((strong))))
((((honest))))
((((allgood))))

all 4 of you need some huggin, so thats what i am sendin...

i gots nothin else tonite....

must have started 5 posts and deleted all.....

sometimes life just sucks ...

so i am choosing to live for those moments in between the suckage.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, February 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am choosing to live for those moments in between the suckage.....

Words to live by!

Boyo1 said during dinner that one of his friend's parents fight "three or more times a year" and then announced that Mr. Nell and I fight "once every two or three years... or maybe five years." I think the kid has early-onset memory loss.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, big hugs to all this morning.

Honest: He's a jackass, always was. That he was always that way is just further proof that you are in no way shape or form responsible for his reprehensible behavior.

Nell: That's good that your kids have that perception! Funny, tho.

Strongish - you know the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, right? I would think my in-laws would be supportive too, but who knows? A few of his sisters would be firmly on my side, but his mother? I really don't know. She might be, but she's not really an emotionally open person.

Peace to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: I wanted to thank everyone for the hugs yesterday. They were much appreciated!

Obviously feeling better today. Listened to Santana's "All That I Am" album this morning... lots of positive messages in there, not a lot of lurvy drivel.

I went to bed still a bit miffed, but made a conscious decision to stop stewing and go to my "happy place" (my pretend bachelorette pad) and was asleep before I could finish picking out paint colors.

I bought tickets (double the price I should have paid but whatevs) to my hometown for next month. I'm thinkin' that I will make our next MC appointment for the day I get back and tell WH that I will want to talk about the two infidelity books that he never finished, his needs lists that he never finished, and his principles that he never started. Does that sound like a good idea? I need for him to do that, but I need to not be his mommy and make him do it, KWIM?

honest,
Yep, it's hard when you realize that you took the wrong path and closed your eyes to all the "danger" signs along the way. I'm doing the same thing. My thoughts circles around: "OMG what WAS I thinking?!?! How could I not have noticed that and gotten the hell outta there before I was in so deep?!?! Did everyone else watch me jump into this or were they as blind as I was?!?!" I just didn't see WH's problems, or I thought they were just little nothings that we could work out, or was just completely naive about the things I saw and their future impact on my marriage and self. Can't go back, but dang... I'm a little aggravated with myself that I didn't check the map before I started down this path.

strongish,
My WH's parents are dealing with his A in this way: WH's dad (aggressive narcissist, charming and kind when he wants to be) gives advice to him privately. WH's mom (passive, co-dependent and in mid-stage Alzheimer's) either doesn't remember or completely ignores the fact. I know they both care about me and are not supportive of WH's selfish behavior, but they also have never said anything directly to me. I think they are ashamed of WH and/or just plain don't know how to approach me.

Allgood,
Hello! That's all I've got. I'm following your threads and you seem to be on here as often as I am lately.

ats,
Yep, hang in there. Keep taking care of yourself and treating FWW with kindness. She is fighting hard to get un-fucked-up, and that's got to be really scary.

Okay... this is a funny (in an ironic, eyerolling way) story of WH's whackjob perceptions. I just really want to share... here we go. So yesterday WH was trying to fix a computer virus (which has absolutely nothing to do with his spending time surfing porn sites, I'm sure) and was getting frustrated and more frustrated. Eventually he exploded by yelling about how if he ever met a hacker who thinks he's all cool because he fucks up other people's computers, that he was gonna punch the hacker right in the face. And I did NOT say, "I know what you mean... I feel the same way about homewrecker-wanna-be's who fuck other people's husbands!" because I didn't feel like joining Mr. Nell's temper tantrum.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:50 AM, February 25th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell:

Yes, I am on here entirely too much.

I need for him to do that, but I need to not be his mommy and make him do it, KWIM?

Absolutely, I know what you mean. In fact, just texted me H this am that we were going to have a serious talk about how we can get to a place where I can trust him again.
His response "ok".
My follow up was essentially that I ask this not to torture him, or because I delight in it (which is what I really think he thinks), but because I'd rather lose him than stay in a marriage without trust.
No response yet & that was 1/2 hour ago.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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