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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I seriously do not understand how you have lasted this long under the same roof with pfm.

Last night the sound of my H sleeping peacefully just got me so mad.

It's been 8 days since I told him we could try again. Now, granted, I haven't really been trying at all, but that's part of the deal at this point. I'm not putting myself out there until he steps up.
So, let's see where we are...
He's read another 20 pages of Not Just Friends. He's rented a movie 2-3x and he picked the kind of movies I like. He was the one to suggest we all go out to eat last night, which was a nice idea.
He told me that he had taken a day off next week so we could both be home on the same day because I told him I needed more attention.

Ok, so I see the effort, but I just feel it's so miniscule and so delayed and so out of proportion as to what has to be done that I am still pissed off.

Nell, I actually thought of you last night when I was attempting to have a grown up conversation with my H. All I could think of was 'marshmallow lollipop baby talk". I seriously had to suppress the giggles at times (not because of what my H was saying, but because I kept thinking of you saying that.)

Tried to impress upon him that spending more time together is really not enough I need to resolve these bigger issues.
This morning he suggests we go out, but when it comes down to having to use one of our mothers to babysit, he refuses to make the call, and my mother watched my kids all last week (and watches them 1-2x/wk in general) and I'm not asking her again. Pisses me off.

At this point, I was actually looking forward to going to this bar for the express purpose of seeing if this is a good place for the LTA ladies to go out and meet some new men.

As soon as the refinance is finished, I'm giving him the agreement. This is just a wast of damn time.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - thank you for the laugh. I truly needed it today.

I don't understand the spanish either but nonetheless it was funny.

I'm planning my escape. I'm getting ready to move out. I have another trip to the attorney, I have some address changes to make, bank accounts split, an apartment to get ready (I bought some furniture today) and then I'm bailing. I can't take it anymore. Unless he steps up to the plate, it's over. He can go to the island of the fucktards...or whatever it's called. The island with the cow shit!!!

H said he "can't take much more of this". I have no idea what he's talking about but I guess he's sick of me. He says he can't do anything right. He can't. He's a fucktard. What does he expect?

Hugs to the Tribe


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun - what the Hell happened? I hope you are ok.

You know my H has the same attitude. The shit is going to hit the fan here hard tonight and he knows it. I'm sure he's up there grumbling about it now.

Truth is, we both have very little patience for this relationship. He just wants to move past it and I can't.

Every day it's something else.
Just now, I drove my kids in his car (because there was no gas in mine) and when I asked him why I found a bottle of liquor he doesn't drink rolling around the floor, his immediate response was to question my motives in taking his car and my immediate reaction was to say "F-U" and hang up on him.

His A has definitely turned me into someone I don't like with him.

Moreover, he's done nothing to prove he's not a selfish a-hole anymore. He's just tried to show he's willing to party with me instead of OW (maybe).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: Very funny!! That made me laugh!

Nofun: I'm so sorry. I was thinking, why do YOU have to move out? Geez with all he's done, he should leave!

Allgood: Your WH, Nofun's and mine all sound the same. "they can't take much more of this!!" I heard the same tonight. I was complaining about the money and it went on to other things and I hear, "You're upset and I can't accomodate you. I am tired and worn out. You are draining me and killing me."

I'm in the slow spiral of the death of the marriage. Like water going down the drain in a whirlpool.

Unfortunately, DS15 heard me crying and asked what was wrong. I was wrong by telling him, "Your father always makes me feel I'm wrong" I didn't say anything else.

So what does DS 15 say? "Mom, if you are arguing with someone when you know you're right what do you do? If the other person is saying 2 + 2 = 5, and they insist, what do you do?" I said, "I give up trying to explain it to them. They won't get it."
DS15 says, "Right. You don't bother arguing with them when they think they are right like that when they are wrong. Don't listen to Daddy."

How come he's so wise, and I'm such and idiot!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the shit hit the fan, but in an unexpected way.

I literally left this computer and went upstairs to find my H gone. Asked my son where he was & he didn't even seem to be aware that he had gone. I rang his phone a million times, no answer. I then find a note in my room stating literally this:

"Sorry. I know it's over. I do love you. Good bye."

He finally texts me that He's sorry he can't face me right now.

At this point I am assuming he's been with OW this whole time. Finally I reach him on his phone, and it takes about 1/2 hour for him to finally state that he just can see that nothing is getting better and it's not going to work.

I'm a f-n disaster, I've been a mess for the past hour, between calling him incessantly, then begging him on the phone to just tell me what's going on, etc. Even my 2 year old is scared at this point. He's at his partner's house. He'll call me later. Maybe he'll come home.

You know what. If he can't do it, that's one thing. And, I'm not saying that's easy to hear even though I was ready to pull the plug myself, but to leave like that - leave me a f-ing bewildered sobbing mess while caring for little kids because he can't say that to my face? He says it just hit him tonight (cuz I did make a few "ghetto" remarks under my breath) that it's never going to work.

This sux.
It not only sucks. It's just mean.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:08 PM, February 26th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey.
It's been almost an hour since your post. Check in. I'm here and I'm PMing you my phone number in case you need to talk. I'm hoping your mom or an IRL support is there and you don't need me but we all have your back.
XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here. I do not have anyone really right now to turn to. I am not close with my mother at all. She doesn't even know what is going on with H and myself.

I took a shower and regrouped. I had texted H that while I don't appreciate the way he left, that I can understand the need for a break so I wasn't pressuring him to return. He then tells me he's going out to watch the fights at a bar and he'll "see" about coming home at that time. I told him not to bother. (I was a little more descriptive than that, but for brevity's sake, that was the message.)

Kids are a bit spooked and that pisses me off to no end. I am seriously fighting the urge to dump all his shit on the front lawn. I am SO mad. On top of everything else, I deserve this? (Rhetorical question - I knnow the answer. lol) And, he's still saying he loves me, doesn't want us to split, but has no qualms about leaving me in this state to go to a bar?
F him!!!!!

What dawned on him that it's not going to work is because he sees the underlying hatred and disgust I have for him. What he fails to recognize it's that hatred is fueled by each callous insensitive selfish f-d up thing he does.
FFFFFFFFF!!!!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

I've sent you a pm honey.

We've got your back love. Try to stay calm.

LOVE AND HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am calm-ish.
Seriously, the kids are ok. Would be great if they would go to sleep or something, but I guess it's for the best - they are keeping me focused.
It's me and them. They are all that matter.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((allgood))))))

i am so sorry honey....he is so so stupid.....beyond regular stupid....he cannot see beyond himself to a bigger picture and is of course wrapped up in his own pain....you do realize that there is where all of this is coming from....that a probably a bit of guilt...much easier for him to compartmentalize and then of course total avoidance at its finest...go out and party.....


fun: i am so sorry for you too....another stupid stupid ws......

as much as it might be a relief to finally call it quits it still hurts.....

and for you allgood, your family is still so young....making this even more difficult....it sucks

((((allgood))))
((((fun))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Allgood}}}}

What a coward. Just to take off like that? Son of a b****!!!

I'm so very sorry. It's ridiculous for him to sneak out like that, like a teenage boy who doesn't want to face reality.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, February 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry, Allgood...
Do you think there's a chance that he is still involved with the OW?
He just sounds so disconnected and detached.
or..it could be the alcohol.
My husband said that getting sober was his true wake up call.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((allgood)))))

Thinking of you. I have a baseball bat & i need batting practice - kwim



Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((allgood))

He's at his partner's house. He'll call me later. Maybe he'll come home.

It sounds like he is trying to regain the control in the relationship and call your bluff. This is a passive aggressive action to hurt you so that you will ask him back. It is also immature and spineless.

So sorry you cannot have an "adult" break-up of the M if that is where things are at, but if he could be an adult about that he also could probably be man enough to meet you halfway on R.

((nofun)) I am sorry that you relationship also appears to be on the skids with your WS unwilling to do the work to make things right.

Both of you ladies have so much to offer, you are attractive, intelligent, kind. Your WSs are just never going to be happy until they get themselves straightened out.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DeepPurple:

I have a baseball bat & i need batting practice - kwim

Yes, I know what you mean. Lol. Won't be necessary, so hit the batting cage.

TO all: thank you for the support. It really meant a lot to me as I literally had no one else to call last night. I will call my 1 good friend today to update.

My phone batter is dead, otherwise I would love to share some of our exchanges last night via text. Some of his responses were really diamonds.

Short version:

Last night via text he advises that he loves me, but the only joy in coming home is to come home to the kids. Has felt that way for awhile. Seems to still want to work it out with me but I am making it too hard. I said a lot of things in response, the most succinct statement being that he is a callous selfish asshole. He came home last night at 1:30 and went straight up to 1 of the boys' rooms and slept there.
I woke him up for work this morning and we spoke for about 20 minutes. He contributed almost nothing to the conversation. He says he's been faithful to me since DDay and that he intends to come home today and do everything typical for our household. I pointed out a few things to him re the kids and their perceptions and the need to either keep this off their radar til school ends or be up front with them now.
He really contributed little to nothing to the conversation. I told him he just wants us to enjoy each other's company and I need more. (This he felt the need to respond to by saying "I know, you told me many times.") I said you are not willing to move off that position and neither am I.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phone is charged.
Here's the highlight reel:

Me: I'm ok now. I seriously disagree with the way you left, but if you dont want to come home tonight, that's fine. Just let me know.
(No response)
Me: Ok, I don't mean its fine that you dont come home like I dont care or something. I just understand maybe you need a break from this for the night.
Him: We are going to drink and watch the fight over here somewhere, then I will see.
Me: I'm glad you are going to go out and have fun instead of addressing a life changing matter. Im sure after hanging out and drinking in a bar you will be in a better position to make a decision. I thought you were upset and needed some space and I was trying to be understanding of that. But that doesnt seem to be what you are doing. I dont want to think about what u r doing and wait til 1 am to see if you feel like coming home.
Me: I just want you to know you are killing any hope you had by your actions tonight. I was ok with you taking time to think, but thats not what's happening. That you can go out like this never happened tonight shows me what little impact this has had on you and how little regard you have for me. All you see is my pain and anger, you dont see how its still such a part of my life because you have not helped minimize that. It's because you tell me you love me while doing stuff like this tonight that has kept us from moving forward more than anything.
Him: This is what I am talking about you say one thing then act like I am doing this to have a night out. If I just wanted to go out I would tell you.
Me: I don't know what you are talking about. You say you are trying to decide whether to remain married or not and decided to leave. Next thing you know you are feeling great and ready to party.
Him:I am drinking. That sounds so strange for me.

Then we stopped communicated for about an hour. Then he texted me that he's gone for 1 1/2 years hearing what a shit he is and telling me I'm right. If he's a shit, I should move on. The kids are everything to him and if it weren't for them, he would've left sooner.
That is when I s-napped.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:54 AM, February 27th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allgood)))

he is reacting like the child to the mother...the rebellious child....

he never really grew up did he, sure he has a real job and pays the bills, but that seems to be the extent of it.....

emotionally he seems to be quite stunted in his teens.....

everytime you approach him he see's that reprimanding mom......time to do the 180 and stick to it...

tell him point blank if you are indeed done, fine, for our kids we need to do _____, ______ & _______.....

fill in the blanks with what you believe your kids need to "see" and "not see".....and then tell him that when school is over the 2 of you will sit down with your older children to explain to them that mommy and daddy will no longer live together and then he is free to go.....if he cannot wait that long, and wants to do it now, then fine, he needs to sit down with the kids now....and explain to his children why he no longer wants to be in the home......

and i am glad you have someone, call her and connect.....and allgood i think you need to go to ic for you no matter what happens, asap.....

and oh, he is a total fucktard, im thinkin he gets that award this month....he needs to be first in line for the karma bus to take him to fucktard island.....and at the very least he needs to be bitch slapped by all of us.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
Partying, drinking, escaping...I know it may not sound like what most people think of when they think alcoholic.....
but, the definition of an alcoholic is anyone whose drinking is interfering with their everyday life.
And, when they are called out on their behavior they cannot and will not give it up.
He wants his bachelor, party life style more than he wants his family- he has a problem.
And, unfortunately, he has not hit bottom.
He may hit bottom when he does really lose you and the kids...but, then again, he may not.
I agree with Miracle- if you can go to IC it would be very helpful for you.
My IC saved me. You do need someone IRL to talk to.
Would you consider looking into ALANON?
I think you would be surprised to hear all the stories that are so similar to yours.
You could check out their web site.
I am so sorry that he is treating you so badly.
I am beginning to think that alcohol is playing a bigger role in this than he may realize.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cyber SI friends Allgoodnamesgone, Nofun, honest, DeepP, Ats, laura, nell, iwant, stong, dip, ainteasy, uk, m3, lostsuol, Njgal, LookingforLove, Milkshake, and all the other ďlurkersĒ.

Today, my horoscope said donít give any advice, so I just reflect my own thoughts and know I will say a prayer for yaíll today.

I now know that sometimes people do bad things to us and even though we want to forgive, we just canít. Our minds just wonít allow the forgiveness to take place while in company of that person. What I have come to learn is that even when we do forgive, pain can still exist.

Today, I have a great job, great kids, responsible kids, educated kids. I have wealth most donít have and I have two very nice homes. I travel extensively and experience so many new and unique things throughout our country. I have nice cars and go on the nicest vacations. I have toys like cameras, phones, the computers, the sport equipment, tools, and my own large office. I have parents that enjoy talking to me every week. I have a few very close solid friends. I do so many fun things like Coltís games, Indy 500, half marathons, movies, shows, concerts and golf. I am healthy in body. I have a wife that treats me very well with the giving of physical touch, quality time, service and gifts.

True, all those things do bring me happiness.

Those wonderful things I am so blessed to have, yet, I can still hurt in my mind. Just yesterday, I could not stop my secret cry. This pain is the new me.

And today, I can also say a great value has come from all this agony. Something I never had before this experience in life. I have compassion.

I so wish you all Peace in the journey.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:06 AM, February 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Allgood)))) I swear your H and mine are brothers. Honest, we can throw your husband in there too. They just don't get it. I'm afraid they never will. It's all about them. It's too hard to R when they are looking for us to do all the work.

I had a total meltdown last night. We had friends over and during the conversation my H says "I've had no sex in 3 weeks, I'm sick of this, I'm going to get a girlfriend." This is what he used to tell me while he was in the A.

When our friends left, I lost it. I was screaming (and I don't normally do that). I called him a F&*(&^ A*&Hole. and I won't repeat what else I said. What does he do? He throws it back on me. First he says he's sorry for saying that, then he asks me to say I'm sorry for calling him a Fuckin AssHole. I told him I won't apologize. He says, "what about me?" "do you think this is easy for me"? You don't do anything for me anymore. "What do you want from me? I'm sorry for what I did, it's in the past, why can't you move on?" That's the shortened version.

One thing that was different though. I left the bed and went in the basement to sleep, twice. And twice he came and asked if I would come back to bed with him and he asked if he could hug me. Usually, he just ignores me.

I said some pretty mean things to him last night. I was like a lunatic for 2 hours. I didn't get to sleep until 3am. I can't believe this is my life!!

(((Honest))) - I feel I need to leave. It would be best financially and I also don't want to take care of a big house. I have lots to mow and shovel if I stay in this home. It will end up getting sold anyway if we D.

Isn't it amazing how smart our kids are? My DD28 asked me how and why do you put up with dad? She said he needs medication. I must look like an ass to my kids. And that hurts more than the A itself. What kind of an example am I setting?

Hugs to all...


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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