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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

quadruple post. whoops.

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:02 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:03 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:03 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DRUNKEN LAUNDRY?!!! OMG, Allgood -- no wonder our marriages aren't working; we're secret soul-mates! Joke. Sort of.

Wow. Busy weekend folks. Thanks for all the "Hell yeah!'s"

(1) Tryn -- thank you dearly for your lovely post. Compassion. I too think often of the positive ways in which this has changed me. I am trying to cultivate those things. Every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

(2) Honest, Strong, Fun, Allgood -- and whomever else is interested -- read Boundaries by Henry Cloud. There's a Kindle edition of it too, if that's your thing. It might be a bit over the top to say this book will solve all your problems -- but this book will solve all your problems. LOL.

(3) Nell -- may I borrow your sense of humor please?

(4) Allgood -- njgal is right about your husband and the alcoholism. One thing I've noticed is -- MrM3 and Mr. Allgood were running neck and neck there for a while -- but MrM3 suddenly got his drinking under control, not too long before Mr. Allgood went to the party OW was at... they must have been walking down that path in the yellow woods and hit the fork in the road...

This statement just jumped from the page when I read it:

This is what I am talking about you say one thing then act like I am doing this to have a night out. If I just wanted to go out I would tell you.

He is "accusing" you but really he's telling you exactly what happened -- he wanted to go out. You were concerned with something much greater than him being out! But the reason he says this is because he wanted to go out drinking and he didn't want to have to get into a big fight about it so he just wrote some drama note that was supposed to fill you with guilt and reduce you to tears and then did what he wanted, figuring at worst he'd get a few texts he could ignore...

Lame. So Lame.

(5) You cannot change another person.

(6) Please re-read (5) until you get this point.

Ok -- M3 update

I'm loving the Boundaries book. Wish I'd found it ten years ago!

Baby Paddy is doing great! And is a complete doll as usual. Her new therapy thing is wheelbarrow races, which all the boys want to do, so it's pretty funny. Sunshine is a sweetie pie and cheers and claps for Paddy whenever she makes new accomplishments.

I kept it on the QT but I interviewed a MC a week and a half ago. I told her our entire history -- me having bipolar mixed mania untreated for 4 years, him having an A for 6/20 years, the kids, the tons of IC for me, the no IC for him other than medication management, etc. etc.

The MC said she would agree to see us with the following conditions (1) we would have to concentrate only on kid/family issues -- kind of like the family therapy miracle and pfm do. (2) I would have to tell WH exactly what I told her about our history.

She said she absolutely wouldn't deal with the A with a person who wouldn't even go to IC. The quarterly medication management doesn't count. She said there is no point and we'd never get anything accomplished because he'd just feel attacked.

She gave me three other options that she felt were good options. (1) Family Therapy with someone else -- same scope as she outlined-- and don't tell them any of the history. Or (2) Ask his IC to do MC. She said IC's don't usually do MC because the part of the couple who only goes for MC can feel ganged up on. I think we all know I don't care about that. OR (3) I come for individual family therapy -- i.e. just talking about managing the kids, finances, household solution-based.

So, there you go.

I'm still pondering what to do.

But -- this relates back to #5. She said, MC won't work for you because you have an agenda to change your husband.

Very eye-opening. She certainly didn't mean what I want is inappropriate -- her only point was, I can't change him. I can drag him willy-nilly and say you have to change ad infinitum, but it's A GIANT WASTE OF MY TIME.

So -- what I'm saying is, in one sense the last 15 months have been A GIANT WASTE OF MY TIME -- except I did learn some things that I needed to know.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I was also struck by the why rush attitude from your H. It is all just selfish. Everything they desire is to help themselves. He was wanting you to just move on and forget this shit so HE would not have to hear about it. Now he is not wanting you to rush the S/D because HE would be on the outside looking in.

I agree with njgal. The drinking is probably a bigger problem than you think. He is using this as his pacifier. It is a way to cope with a stressful occupation and to have a relaxing time. I worked a dangerous and stressful job too. Drinking was a escape used by many who worked there. Shopping thearpy would be better.

I am feeling much venom and I guess I should use more capitals. I just don't have that in me.

nofun.

Just as I said above. He is talking all about himself. What he said was just so far out of line I don't even know how to classify it. It was bad enough to say that, but in front of other people? That is just so shitty. Incredible!!!

ETA. m3. We were cross posting. Maybe I should say you were posting four times while I was posting once. I knew I was slow but did not know I was that slow.

Thank you for the Babby Paddy update.

Hugs to the tribe.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 9:34 AM, February 28th (Monday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gotta rush because my H is home and I don't have much time or privacy to respond more.

M3: I will check the book. Thank you for the recommendation. I'm glad you seem to have found a really good therapist who will help you in whatever way you choose. I'm glad Baby Paddy and the rest of your lil angels are doing well. Personally, I would be scared to damn death if I gave 1 of my boys the ok to wheelbarrow my daughter. Lol.

I do not believe my H dropped me that note because he wanted to go out. I was very cold to him for the days leading up to that and had apparently pissed him off by raising the why is the bottle in the car issue and I guess I muttered 1 too many "ghetto" remarks. I really think he was just like "F-this, she's either cold or pissed off or accusing me of something 1 1 /2 years later, it's never getting better, I'm done." So, he says that's what he felt at the time. That it was over. Now, he says he doesn't think he has the right to be the one to make that decision, which we discussed. I also re-iterated what I need and told him that he should stop saying he doesn't want us to break up, but.... If he doesn't want us to break up, he has to do what I ask or we break up. No response as usual. He wasn't full body resistance. He was "present" and listening, but really had nothing to say other than he doesn't know what he wants me to do, which I now have like a knee-jerk reaction to want to kick him in the balls every time he says this.
Anyhoo.
I don't think he dropped that note as a way to get out.

The rush. I don't know what else to say about that. You guys pretty much covered it all.
Dang - gots to go.

ETA: Fun - I forgot to mention your H's ridiculous comment about the lack of sex and getting a girlfriend. I seriously don't think there's anything wrong with hooking his balls up to an electric zapper and zapping him everytime he says something stupid like a whole Pavlov dog thing. F-n stupid, seriously.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:44 AM, February 28th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Did he explain the off brand bottle in the car? I know you had said he answered that question with a question of why you took his car.

Kicks in the balls and electric zappers hooked to balls. This forum is getting painful. The men of the LTA house better lay low for awhile!

I hope it is safe to say,

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i think to continue with family therapy is a plus with this person because she does know your history and will be aware of certain limitations between you as a couple......she will know where to tread lightly since im thinkin that the family therapy will be just the 2 of you instead of the whole family...so knowing the history she will also be able to stick on point when your ws deflects....


allgood: well, i think its time to stop talking to him about what he needs to do....he either shits at this point or gets off the damned pot..

as for the balls thing...can i borrow it???


and dip i wouldn't worry too much about yours..i think the lta men are safe....


oh and allgood i also don't think he dropped the note to go out...i think it did it for several reasons...but primarily it fits in so beautifully with his defeatest attitude and get them before they get me mentality...

as for his drinking...i think his knee jerk reaction to drink is really an immaturity as opposed to alcholism....its the teenager way of coping....mom gets mad so go get high to prove her right or wrong depending on his perspective of the moment...

mr allgood has got lots and lots of growing up to do in maturity....and right now he is fightin it tooth and nail....to the point where what he fears will be what he creates...


as for funs ws.....i think he went to pfms school of stupid things to say and do....i think its actually very textbook ws out of the good book.....the ws book....


it makes you wonder how people can be so damned stupid....but that is the world we live in now isn't it.....the world where a woman can put a steaming hot cup of coffee in her lap, while driving nevertheless, spills it and makes millions off a lawsuit...

a society that now posts ridiculus instructions on just about everything because common sense seems to have vanished from so many...

ok, i will come down off my soap box now....anyone wanna buy some....real cheap...every bar of soap comes with a ws quote...so you can get the picture of washing their mouth out with soap...HAHAHAHAH...really really bad humor....

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - I'm on borrowed time here before he comes back, but here are my current thoughts:

Dip: explanation for the bottle - yes, I received a plausible explanation.

Miracle - yes, I agree with everything you have been saying about my H as a rebellious teen.

In the shit or get off department - I just made the decision for him. We actually had some enjoyable moments together today, with conversations about what I needed, etc throughout the day. SO, finally, I just said to him "What is the status of our relationship right now, I'm confused." And, I seriously was confused because I was listening to a whole bunch of I want us to stay together, but I don't think it's going to work all day long. He still says he doesn't know. I asked why not. He said it's a big decision to make. I said it wasnt exactly like the topic just came up and he didn't have time to think it through. Finally I said I'm making the decision, I'm not comfortable with the level of indecision you have. You've shit all over me and I know I still want to work it out. I don't know what your problem is. He started to say "I want it to work out , but..." and I just cut him off cuz I seriously cannot listen to him say that again.

I played Play-Doh for a little while and then I went back to him to tell him he's an idiot and when the reality of this sinks in, he's going to be sorry and at that point the damage would have already been done.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:

"I want it to work out , but..." and I just cut him off cuz I seriously cannot listen to him say that again.

he doesn't get to use the word but, he either does or he doesn't...and seriously what is there to think about....a chance to keep your family intact and staying with the woman you claim to love or become a single man and adios.....


so allgood what did you decide?....

or are you just done, letting go and if he doesn't do anything by the time june comes around....you go through with the plan to s & d......which personally i think is the way to go....

while he is in the house he could either step up or in june step out.....but you invest nothing anymore and 180 that mans ass yesterday....for your own peace of mind....


oh allgood, i am so sorry you seem to married to stupid, it sucks being married to stupid, and unfortunately i speak from experience.....need to go find that voodoo doll now...


and btw i love playdoh....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I already told him it's done. He abruptly tells me he's done on Sat night and now a day and a half later he's still waffling. I'm not comfortable with that. I tried to make it as clear as possible to him that you can't have both. You can't keep your family intact while ignoring what I've asked. So, it's done effective immediately. The refinance papers are being signed on Thursday and I told him I would bring home the separation agreement tomorrow for him to look at.

I am now in the process of ordering the Boundaries book M3 suggested and a book to give me a clue as to how we need to break this to the kids.

As far as I'm concerned, the agreement will have to be signed in the next few weeks. (I can't really apply any more pressure than that since I'm an attorney and he will probably not have an attorney look it over. I don't want him to turn around and say I coerced him into signing it or anything, even tho the argument would go nowhere since the terms really are very fair to both of us.)

He seems to have thought this through on some level as he did seem to the conclusion that hes not going to be able to retire when he wanted if we divorce. (This was something he said before I made the decision.)

Y'know. Technically I made the decision, but it was just a formality. Like ATs said, he plugged out years ago, and really his actions post DDay have made the decision for me.

So sad.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:28 PM, February 28th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Allgood))) I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you tonight. Please know that I'll be thinking of you. FWIW - I think you're making the best decision considering how little Mr. Allgood has put into the R.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((allgood))))

i wish i had more, but for the moment i am tapped out and feeling quite alot of pain......seems to be a bad day for me...that damned rollercoaster...the tears are just flowing away, hopefully the xanax will kick in soon, take the edge off....maybe i will be back later.....if not good nite peeps....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right back at ya Miracle
((Miracle))


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I just picked up Boundaries. Thank you for the suggestion. It sounds like you have found a good counsellor. She has made a lot of good suggestions and options.


(5) You cannot change another person.

(6) Please re-read (5) until you get this point.

I have to keep rereading this.
Thank you for the Baby Paddy update. It sounds wonderful that her siblings are helping her out!!

Allgood: What can I say? I'm so sorry. Your WH is a true asshole. You are a beautiful, smart, caring and wonderful woman. Your children are absolutely gorgeous. He should be fighting tooth and nail to keep you instead of being wishy washy about this whole thing.
Please keep posting and venting here. Put your seat belt on tight. The roller coaster may start in again.

{{{{Miracle}}}} Even though you have decided what to do, you still need time to grieve. Even when we think we are doing well, the pain still can catch us unawares. We are here for you, please vent here!

How are you doing Nofun? Please give us an update. BTW, I'm so impressed that you started a support group. Good for you!! I admire you for being proactive and wish I can have your strength.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just dont understand. I have met the most incredible group of beautiful, loving , caring & intelligent woman a man could ever meet here on LTA & yet the men in their lives are true arseholes.
I dont think any dictionary can ever fully describe the word "selfish"adequately.
Like Trying I have found compassion, tolerance & understanding for my WW & yet she too cant see what she will loose if her behaviour doesnt change.
Human nature is what it is. I know the tribe will prosper with or without them.

Thinking of you all


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Miracle)))) I understand...wish I didn't.

Last night I wrote H a letter and told him EXACTLY what I needed from him...EXACTLY. I told him if he did not try harder, then I would leave. He knows I'm serious because I have not said anything about ending the M until now.

This morning he wrote me a 3 page letter. The poor bastard just doesn't know how to express himself. I honestly have no feelings right now. It's kind of scary. I thought he would get mad at what I wrote and tell me he's done, but he didn't. He said he wants his family, he wants me, he loves me, blah blah...I won't bore you all.

He has serious emotional issues and he needs meds. How do I talk this man into seeing a doctor?

The whole thing just sucks.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep purple: I feel the same way about the guys in our LTA tribe. You guys are wonderful and I don't understand why your WW's don't see how lucky they are!!

Nofun: I know it must be confusing for you. It's good that he wrote a letter to you. Perhaps he is waking up a bit. The only thing I would suggest is to kindly sit down with him and say that you really are worried about him and think he should see an IC and perhaps you guys could see an MC. If your WH is finally "getting it", he should agree.

Look, going to an MC with him will also help you in your final decision. If he goes to IC, and gets help for himself, and you still want to leave, at least you can go knowing you took the high road and helped him to get IC.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun

I agree with honest. You do love this man but he is making it impossible. We BSs love our partners but there is only so much we can take. Yes, he is a depraved dipshit for cheating on you. A fool for not stepping up over the last two years. You have given everything to R and he has ducked and weaved (woven?) to avoid stepping up. Now when he can see the hammer coming down he really wants R. Does he get it? Does he realise he has to stop his childish antics (like giving you the silent treatment) and grow up?

The poor bastard just doesn't know how to express himself. I honestly have no feelings right now. It's kind of scary.

Maybe he has finally hit rock bottom. Now he has to put on his big boy pants and do what needs to be done. I have been wondering if pride has been a stumbling block for him. Maybe he has finally realised he has to give that up if he wants you??? I don't know. I just don't get him

M33, Allgood and honest

BIG HUGS as always. Thinking of you all.

DP

Hang in honey. I don't know how you stay sane in your sich.

(((((((DP)))))))

Miracle

i wish i had more, but for the moment i am tapped out and feeling quite alot of pain......seems to be a bad day for me...that damned rollercoaster...the tears are just flowing away, hopefully the xanax will kick in soon, take the edge off....maybe i will be back later.....if not good nite peeps...

Honey we are here for you. I can feel so much pain in this short paragraph. BIG HUGS!!

My aunt is hanging on by a thread. They have upped her pain meds to morphine so she is much more peaceful now. Also my nephew is currently in surgery having a kidney transplant. His dad - H's brother - is the donor. This is the only family on my H's side that I like so some prayers would be appreciated. Mum of this family is a great lady. Family takes her for granted a little but she is like one of us (but not a BS I hope). Just a great person.

Today a dear friend confided in me (she knows my story). She found a Christmas card to her H from a woman with some comments that upset her. Words like "Thanks for being there for me. We have had some magic moments" Her H explained (gaslighted???). I am very worried for her. This is her second M. Her first H abused her physically ( I think - she doesn't talk about it). Prayers for her too please!!!!


Episode 4 of focussing on the positive
Today when I came home from work H had two little presents for me. Nothing fancy just little thoughtful things. Then he said lets go and just lie on the bed. We did and after a while he said "I was thinking today - I really fucked up. But I am happy now. You need to know I will never hurt you again". I had a momentary pang (It's about him as usual) but I was so pleased. This is the VERY FIRST TIME he has brought up his As. All the other times I have started the conversation. I told him I was really glad he had brought up the subject.

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:53 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

Where are you?? 4 pages without you is 4 too many. Are you OK??

Hugs to all the lurkers too

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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