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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry everyone.
I don't know how to highlight other's passages so my writing is mashed up with yours.
I will figure it out.


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my gosh henny...we cross posted...

i am so impressed by you..for someone so new you are incredible, your strength is inspiring...you go girl....

having an art show too...yay hon....

on the hb sex...until you get all results and repeat them in 6 months time practice safe sex...he needs to wear a condom each and everytime til he comes back clean twice.....

going to the Y: go for it...it really gives you such a sense of well being when you are in shape...it does for me...i hate working out, but love the way it makes me feel

eating healthy: awesome, keep it up and hydrate

breathing: good girl...

keep reading, keep posting or journaling and keep asking questions of all of us on the site and of your ws...

he seems to be stepping up and that is great and a good indicator of reconcilliation....


as for highlighting...its called quote....next to the box when you type there are 3 rectangluar boxes..highlight with your mouse and pick the desired effect on the side.....you will get the hang of it...this site for the most part is pretty easy to navigate...thank god...because in the beginning stage of this god forsaken process, learning how to navigate would and could be even more fustrating then it needs to be when some of us can barely hold it together...


so yay henny...you are doing remarkable...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I'm screwed either way arent I. If I stay then I have to tolerate her shit but at least I have great quality time with the kids or if I leave then I lead a substandard life & have less time with the kids. If she leaves then I have the quality time with the kids but I also need to better time manange the day to day activities (before & after school ) & arrange the support network to keep the family functioning.
I havent reached that point where I need to make that decision or maybe I'm avoiding it as Im not ready emotionally to make that decision.
When I reach that point I will reach out to my friends on LTA.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Henny,
Damn... I'm impressed. I would love to see your art. PM me if it's online and you are inclined to share.

miracle,
It's a hella long list. I know a lot of ways that WH could show me that he loves me and that I have nothing to fear. Unfortunately, I do fear... I fear that his ability or willingness is far less than what is needed. So far, I see nothing in his past or present that makes me think that he'll do anything difficult or fully-assed.

dp,
...and at that time, we will all be here for you.

Okay, off to walk the dog again!

XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DP, Do aluminum ball bats "ping" when they connect with a kneecap too? Just wondering...

...then I have to tolerate her shit but at least I have great quality time with the kids...

Each of us is different in our make-up and constitution, but I do not believe that I could have any quality time with my kids or anyone while tolerating the shit that you are eating from your WS.

...if I leave then I lead a substandard life...

Inner peace and happiness is not driven by material wealth. It may be a very different life, but not at all substandard. And remember, as Janice said, Freedom is just another word for having nothing to loose. But in your case, you do not have much more to loose, so maybe think about enjoying your freedom.

Hi to everyone else, it is a good weekend here at the Atsenaotie household.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS
Its much more of a crunching sound than a ping.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ImNellNow
Thanks so much. I don't know if I am in denial or what but it is how I think I feel. We will see how it rolls out. Thanks too for the tutelage.
Sure I will share my art...
Look for a pm.
@Iwantamiracle - I am overwhelmed and appreciative of your response.
he seems to be stepping up and that is great and a good indicator of reconcilliation....

I think I got it!
Yes, I truly believe he is. I know I want to wear his ring again some day but I don't want to rush the thing and have him wonder. When I saw the IC last Thurs she said "take your time. Slow down." and I have thought of that so much since then. Trying to me mindful of how I feel. Trynhard has helped so much too.

I will have us both repeat the test. I wasn't sure of the time lapse in between the two tests so thanks for that.
Thanks too for the tutelage. This thing has its own idiosyncrasies that is for sure.
Thanks for the cheering. Hope you are well too.

[This message edited by Henny at 3:39 PM, March 6th (Sunday)]


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...actually, there's the initial hollow slightly metallic "bong" and then the bone-crunching sound.

...is what I've heard.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do any of you feel about directing the WS to this site. I did and while I want privacy and I think he would honor that, I also want him to get support outside of his IC and the rare friend he is confiding in.
thoughts?


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

henny: having your ws come here:

well i did and i wish i did not, my reconcilliation did not go well, and i have lost my safe place...my ws (pfm) comes here and reads just about everything i write, so if there is anything i do not want to share with him i can no longer post it, as he knows my identity here...

there are many couples here, and i would say for half of them, its been a blessing...and usually if the ws was here first, that bodes well....if the bs was here first, well i think its about half and half...

so i would think long and hard about it before you do it, and when and if you do not give him your identity at least not at first...keep your safe place....

there are many ws's who come here and use the site as a form of group therapy or ic, and for them, they work hard and utilize the site and all it has to offer, which is huge....then there are those like my ws, and there are quite a few of them...who come here to gain support and when do not get it, back off and away or cannot handle the 2x4's that given by the other ws's....they see through the bullshit and do not think twice on calling it....and for those bs's like me, we lose our safe place....


what you could do is print out things from the healing library for him, let him read whatever you find....you can also print out excerpts from posts that you think would be useful and give them to him....it will be giving him info and keeping your safe place...if at a later time and he has earned it, then lead him here...


i brought my ws here in the hope that he would learn, he would change and he would work at it....my intentions were good one, but the reasons never came to fruition....

there are others who have come here and are doing well because of the site...so its really hard to answer that one...from time to time someone has posted in general about it and you could try it and take a poll....poll all those who are here as couples and see if they are happy they did it or if not...

purple: knees, bats...oh my...

again can i nominate pfm??

i understand your position, i wish i did not but i do....you have to do what is right for you...but remember just because you stay does not mean that you have to be in active reconcillation mode with someone who doesn't want it...you can still live YOUR life...and i hope you do....


ats: happy to hear all is well in the ats house...what is 30 proof whipped cream,...never heard of it???

nell: fear: it cripples us...so do not let fear rule you and who you are...and yes i know easier said then done....but necessary for your survival of soul....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Iwantamiracle
Thanks so much for your prompt response. I will think on it too.


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Henny,

FWW never joined here, but she has lurked and read. I am aware that she may read anything I post here. There have been a few times (very few) I stopped posting details publicly, mostly during the time I moved out and during a period when the full depth of her issues hit me.

Reading here one afternoon a couple of months after dday was one of the first things that started to kick FWW out of her fog. She knew I used the site, and came to find arguments to refute me. She was shocked at the contrite postings and attitudes she read in the Wayward Side. She read and saw how she was no different than the "typical" WS. It was hard for her to read, and it took her a full afternoon with breaks, but it made an impact on her.

She tried to join once, but the mods did not approve her as I already had a username from our IP address. I got that straightened out, but she never tried again to join. I do know she does not much care for SI or the people here. Never the less, she has used examples from her reading here to make a point to me.

So in answer to your question, if your WS is accustomed to forums and chat boards it may be useful, but you can only lead a horse to water if this is not his thing.

iwam, we found the whipped cream at the local liquor store. It does not need refrigeration, comes in chocolate, vanilla, and caramel flavors. With 15% alcohol I do not think you get very drunk with it, but it was fun to play with. We do not ever mix food with sex, but FWW really seemed to enjoy this combination.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to share this poem:

I have never felt pretty in a textbook sense and this poem says much to me and I hope to you. Felt really loved=yes. Feel really loved=yes.

Phenomenal Woman


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

[This message edited by Henny at 5:32 PM, March 6th (Sunday)]


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@atsenaotie
and others - I guess it is too late not to tell him. I did already. I can certainly see the pros and somewhat the cons. This is a journey I never wanted to take. I never wanted to know all of these abbreviations or stories. In the end, it has made me more compassionate for others and aware of the light in people. For this I am thankful.


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say hi to everyone!

Welcome Henny....

Laura - I did ready about your run in with OW. Wow! I don't know how I would have handled that. You have class and you are beautiful inside and out.

I've been super busy...which is a good thing. No time to give myself a pity party. Things are still the same, the only difference is H is talking to me now.

Hugs to all of you! I have to run....


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: talking is good....i am sure you have very mixed emotions re this...understandably so....but no matter what outcome...talking is good....

and hoping the busy is good busy too


henny: i love that poem, it sounds as though it should be put to music...as i am not a poetry lover i am a music lover and it sounds like it would make a great song...i do like maya anjelou too


as for already telling your ws....don't fret, as long as you have not told him your si name....and when he joins if you have changed your mind, if he uses a different pc, the mods will ask you if you are ok with him joining...

and if you have told him your si name, keep that in mind when you post things you would rather he did not know...and take full advantage of the pm feature...the pm feature has literally been a life line for me at times....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Henny,
I told Mr. Nell about SI back when I was in fix-it mode. He has never bothered to visit (though he lied and said he had once). I thought visiting the Wayward forum would be good for him; he would certainly get a lot of "BTDT" stuff from everyone and have been set straight on some of the stuff he thinks/does. No luck.

But I don't put any of my info on my tagline, just in case he at some point wanders in here accidentally.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ImNellNow and IWantaMiracle
Thanks so much for the affirmation about the WS and SI. I want him to heal too but maybe it was too swift too soon. Hindsight.
I will move on. I will also consider trimming my tagline but in some sense I want it out there for him if he chooses to read. Honestly, I don't think I have broken any code here, I have already shared - verbally - the writings of many of you. I go to bed much easier because of all of you. Actually slept through the night, mostly, last night and that was the first in 7 days.
I see me IC tomorrow and that will be good. Then some time with a niece and sister who do not know. Much needed. Then the eve with a dear, dear friend who has been out of town since DDay. We have corresponded about this and he wrote "I want to give you a nice, long, silent hug." Don't worry... he is gay and the best girlfriend I have ever had. I need him.
@Laura28 Peace to you and your aunt.

Signing off. Henny


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning all.

Spoke with H about separation terms again. I guess he doesn't realize how the trust issues I have would affect my negotiating. Says the the house will still be his home and he will take care of it, clean the pool and cut the grass. (That would be great!)


I mentioned that he hasn't said a word about not wanting to go forward with this and I got the same old, tired "I don't want this, I don't want to move out, but I see it's inevitable." I briefly responded that there were a lot of variables involved in it not working out to date and that he was responsible for many of them, etc. and left it at that.

After the fact, I always feel like I wasn't as clear as I should or could have been, but we are supposed to talk again tomorrow.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Fun: Did you start shopping for your vacation yet? (I hope so.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:39 AM, March 7th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... You did the best you could. He was resistant to change and that is a big problem. IMO, the day you said Retrou is a way we might be able to reconnect and he gave you NO language. It says, I am not willing to change or even try. He hated IC. He doesn't read. His ignoring your needs, in a time of need. He gave up, not you. There are good partners, and not. It's seems to be 50/50.

Now, the consequences are you going to find a new, better partner in life.

Never look behind. Today, you are moving ahead in life. If some epiphany takes place with him, you consider it because this is today.

Keep dreaming postive things about the future. Your career leading to new heights, new people about to come into your life, interesting, loving, happy.. A new different type of closeness with your children.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:04 AM, March 7th (Monday)]


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