So what are you grilling? I think I will take your advice and go for it all. Chocolate cake, choc pie, choc, choc chip cookies and choc brownies. She can make me a choc milk shake too. She has only worked 9 hours today so a couple of extra hours in the kitchen should not bother her.
The baby back ribs are not taken from babies, human or animal. They are the top part of the a pigs ribs. There are three parts to the ribs. Some like the others better. I should have googled this before trying to explain about the ribs. My memory sucks. I do know that the baby back ribs are the ones I cook the best.
The filets I am grilling tonite are prime cut from a meat shop in the midwest. 2 inch thick and usually you can cut them with a knife if cooked properly. The best filet in town. I wish I could have the tribe here for this meal.
It is strange that your W keeps those cards but still contunues with her bad behavior. All of our WSs are just so hard to understand. Hang in there.
Gotta go so.........
Hugs to the tribe.
... prime cut from a meat shop in the midwest. 2 inch thick and usually you can cut them with a knife if cooked properly.
Beef so tender you can cut it with a knife...
Meanwhile, it's just another day here in non-marshmallow lollipop babytalk world. Must go make brownies for my Boyos' special V-Day dessert. (WH can have some, too... and if he thinks it's for him, then that's okay.)
(((Hugs))) to the (((tribe)))
Lookingfor Love: Thanks for explaining what you were doing after work - that makes a lot more sense now. I got the wrong impression entirely. Keep it up.
Strongish: was it you that said you don't need any reason other than the LTA? You certainly don't. I'm the shortest affair here and when I told my gf about it she was shocked beyond belief. (Hint: this is the way most people would react.) If the WS isn't moving Heaven and Earth to figure out how he/she become so f-d up, well, then it's hard to let your guard down.
DeepPurple: that was very nice for you to give your W a gift. It was also really nice (and odd) that she gave you one. She saves your cards. Hmmmmm. I have to think about that more, but I guess she's not really ready to give you up. She's a cake eater?
Forgivenotforget & whoever else may be interested: I received 2 pairs of very nice heels for going out in and a card from my H. It was a simple card, but he wrote he's sorry about everything that's going on with us, that he knows it's his doing, that I'm a great woman and I can do better than him. That he loves me and always will.
Then I dropped the kids off at religion and went to the gym. I'm going to talk to him now, but just to explain why I got him nothing. It will be a short explanation. I am promising myself not to get preachy.
Anyway, I do believe he loves me, but I just don't understand his CURRENT actions. And, while he has explanations for his current actions, I'm looking at it as far as a bigger picture, a bigger pattern of what he does and it's quite the leap of faith to believe him.
It also dawned on me tonight that I need more friends. I texted back and forth a bit with Miracle & Honest today and I was instantly happier. So weird - just knowing I had someone I could text for no good reason, etc. I think I need more of this.
I also listened to "I will survive" on the radio tonight and thought that should be our anthem.
Ok - gotta address the H now.
Peace out my peeps.
"Marshmallow lollipop babytalk world" has made its way into my normal vocabulary. This is scary and not often understood, just like my "busier than a 1 legged man in an ass-kicking contest".
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:31 PM, February 14th (Monday)]
We didn't really celebrate V-day in the past (thought of it as a Hallmark holiday) but, just like so many other things about our marriage this has changed also.
Post d-day we do celebrate Valentine's Day!
My husband bought me a dozen roses, a lovely card, and a pair of gold earrings.
Then we went out to a very romantic little restaurant for dinner.
A very nice evening.
Stringish-my husband was the one that contacted my sister and my children after d-day to apologize for the LTA and how he had hurt me.
He also sent flowers to a co-worker of mine that basically carried me at work for a few weeks beacuse I was a total wreck and could barely function.
He wrote her a note thanking her for helping me and being such a support.
He did this during the months we were separated and it looked as if we were headed for divorce.
He just never gave up.
about love and LTAs.
I do think it is possible to have a LTA and NOT be in love with the affair partner.
I believe my husband when he tells me that is what happened to him.
I think that in most cases when there is love involved one of the affair partners pushes for more. That AP is not satisfied with just crumbs....
But, when both agree to the 'arrangement' type affair then it can continue indefinitely.
My husband never told the OW that he loved her...he never bought the OW any kind of gift, not a flower, not a card...nothing...
and he is a big gift giver.
She never bought him any kind of gift either not even a trinket...nothing...
the one thing she did was she gave him a CD of music that she had compiled.
She paid for her own drinks and any other expenses were paid by work...as all of their trysts were on work related trips.
When I called her right after d-day...(at that point I had kicked my husband out of the house and everyone at work knew we were separated.
I had spoken to a number of co-workers) the first thing that she said to me was that he loved only me.....
and when I asked her what the hell they were doing then?
she said ...that they were just very very good friends.....
in a conversation with another co-worker...upon being told that I said they had destroyed my marriage....the MOW said,"I guess I could have done better but... I thought we were just having fun."
That was how she looked at the LTA!
Wouldn't that have been the time to tell your co-worker that you are very hurt, sad, etc, that you really had feelings for his man etc.?
wouldn't that make you appear more sympathetic and normal?
why admit to someone that a LTA that breaks up a marriage was just a little 'fun' for you?
so...yeah..not all LTAs are about 'love'....
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:30 PM, February 14th (Monday)]
So many of us are in pain today. I really wish we could all go over Dip's for the BBQ!
UKgirl, you are a great friend. You have helped all of us so very much. You are wise and kind and have a great sense of humor, and a wonderful way with words. I love the way you write and the poetry you have shared with us.
If you guys don't mind, I'll share a poem (still needs more polishing) I wrote after my first xWH left:
The Labor of Grief
All is slow
The world has stopped
No pain or anger
A gray veil is before my eyes
Can't think of anything else
Why does the pain come and go?
Because though the pain
New life begins
Like a woman in labor
I must go through this
For a new life.....
I wrote this in Feb of 1988 and just found it today in a notebook. ( I was trying to purge a lot of papers)
It's true today as it was then. As a poem, it needs work, but the feelings are the same.
This poem I want to dedicate to all of you wonderful people in the LTA house.
A deep dark chasm
Full of pain, anger, despair
The walls were sheer, endless
Upward I climb and glimpse
a beacon, a lighthouse
It's a long way out but
Now I can see some light
and my pain lessons.
From a shimmering lifeline
of reinforcing words
That have become friends.
You guys are my real Valentines. Thank you for everything!!
I think Miracle has this relationship with her mother
while i have an amazing relationship with my mom, she is my mom therefore making her inappropriate for some of my stuff....for instance, the fact that i was a hole, can't go there with her, and the other one...the friend that he tried to hook up with...well this friend is a friend that my mom and my kids have grown to love and adore...and her kids love and adore us....this would hurt my mom deeply, so again i don't go there....
i actually have no one irl that knows everything there is to know...i wish i did...more of you know more then anyone here irl except for my ic....and she has been a godsend to me....
it definitely sucks when that connection is not there for some of us, but the pieces of support that some of us do have can be just as invaluable and i do not underestimate the power they have in helping us heal....
and most of all god bless this forum most of all, this forum and my ic have been so key in my healing, i am still on this road, but it would i believe have been a much longer harder road without either....
so thank you tribe, for always being there, no matter the time, the day, no matter what i have to say or even not say...your support has been immeasurable and has been a saving grace for me....
will you all be my valentine???
allgood: i am glad mr allgood came through with some loot...loot always helps, even if it serves the purpose of becomming something to throw in a fit of anger....
deeppurple: saving the cards.....she sounds like she is one confused chick....gots lots on her plate and has not a clue what she is doing half the time....like she is acting out.....and seems like she cannot let go
dip: i do wish you did live closer, i would definitely show up for dinner, lunch, breakfast, snack....
good card tryn.....i hope you report in tomorrow one happy man...
strong: the day of d-day is most certainly reason enough....but because we loved these stupid idiots, because we have families...none of us was ready to walk away immediately.....we each decided to try and make it work in spite of what they did, and for some continue to do.....
that path of least regret, it can be full of twists, turns, surprises, heartache....full of anything and everything....but the payoff comes at the end of this particular path....no regret or very little regret.....its a nice way to live life....not a single ws can live that life....and those that choose the path later on are the better for it, like mr njgal, mr lovin, and mrs tryn.....but its a path that must be chosen over and over and over again til it comes to an end and a new road comes into view.....sadly this is where so many of our ws's falter and get themselves into ditches.....muddy ditches....and sometimes they turn into quicksand....sinking steadily til they drown in it....
i recieved another dozen roses today, the florist making up for their mistake yesterday in delivering too early and pfm gave me lottery tickets...yay i won $10 and a gift cert to get a back/feet massage which i have been wanting....
and all i could think is why now,.....my feelings for him have not changed a single iota......i want him gone...i want his lying ass out of my life!!!
honest: i am not a poem type...but i can clearly see the pain in yours and yes the one you wrote years ago is true today...and that sucks....
nell: i am glad you came out, glad you cried it out, purged it...more importantly i am glad it was a purge of sorts leaving you feeling that you at least got it out of your system...at least todays crap anyways...
ukgirl: i am curious why didn't you go with your ws do the funeral?
looking: keep on livin girl!!
lostsoul: wow, a pooh quote to fit....certain things will never cease to amaze me....and i wish i had words for you...it seems as though life keeps getting in the way, strange as that might sound...but that is his fault, because he should not let this be...(((lostsoul)))
njgal: does it help, writing out all that mr njgal has done and continues to do....i hope it does...to see it, to acknowledge his new behaviors, and i am hopin that this helping you to really believe in him again, or i should say believe in him really for the first time....from what i can remember this is him, the man he should have always been but never really was....i hope the day comes when this will be easy for you....knowing how hard the road was, knowing that he never did give up doing all the right things and doing everything you have asked of him and then some....yup i am hopin you see the end of this path and beginning of the next one....
good nite tribe....
Just a short note to congratulate us all on surviving another awful day in our very difficult lives. In a strange way it is wonderful that we can all share this day. We can love and support one another. Most of the other really "bad" days for each of us differ but this and Christmas are probably the two that we all share in common - terrible trigger days for us all. By my reckoning it is 1 am for most of you on the 15th Feb. For me me it is 5pm on the 15th.
So once again today is the first day of the rest of our lives. We have lives which are valuable - the support we give to each other is priceless, the love we give our children is beyond measure - we are truly gifts to the world.
So I hope everyone feels this in full today. With or without our spouses, we have a responsibility to each other and to the world to - as Tryn so often says- BE HAPPY. Take the little things that please us and make them the most important things in our lives. Take the LTAs and realise that they do NOT define us. WE are so much more.
To this end I have decided to begin listing all the good things my H is doing to try to help me. I need to make this my focus.
1. He has done very well in the last few days. After my awful Friday, when I found out my SIL knew, he bought me beautiful flowers on Sat. He was considerate and attentive on V day and was with me constantly. He touched and kissed me often but did not indicate or even hint at any desire for sex. No mention of the day, no card and no gift. Just what I wanted. Today (the 15th) he bought me a huge kite in the shape of a butterfly. He has done well and I am pleased.
HUGS to all
Glad to see you are around. gets lonely here sometimes with so many people not online at this time. KWIM???
Njgal - My FWH didn't buy gifts for the OW either and he wouldn't accept a Christmas gift from her. He made her take it back. (This made her angry and she broke off the A for a time...only to restart it later.) While I can believe that my FWH didn't love her the way he loves me, his love for me wasn't strong enough to keep him from doing that which he KNEW would devastate me. He says that he didn't think it would really bother me. Yeah....right. But then why didn't he just tell me about this "friend" he had and was seeing several times/month? My FWH wants to believe that because he didn't commit to leaving me, and/or didn't commit to "loving" OW that that makes his LTA "not really that bad." This is a huge sticking point for us because he just doesn't or won't empathize with my feelings. He deliberately compartmentalized me to the point where he could betray me and now he won't look at that part of himself. I long for him to really put himself out there. But he won't. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. At least that's how it is now.
I'm very confused this morning. Woke up 1.5 hours before my alarm and can't stop the "thinking." What to do? What to do? Do I stay in this M or not? What am I afraid of?
I have a friend that D two years ago. I noticed on her FB page that she is newly engaged. She looks so HAPPY! I mean, really happy. I am so envious. I want to feel that way again, I really do. I want to be with a man who looks at me like I am the sun and the moon to him. But then I think, FWH is a good man, not a great man, but a good man. We are financially comfortable, he is a good father, why don't I just accept that he screwed up and forget about it?
Honest - Your poems are lovely. Thank you for sharing them with us. I want to re-read them several times today and feel the support of my SI friends.
Thanks to all for the hugs and support recently, and I am glad we all have a new morning to enjoy.
As I read through, and look at my own life I see many FWSs who are trying to do the right thing by us. Just like in our original M, they just do not know what to do or how to communicate with us. I think FWW is afraid to ask what I really want and need for fear I that I will ask for something she cannot or is unwilling to provide, and then reject her and the M.
... can't stop the "thinking." What to do? What to do? Do I stay in this M or not? What am I afraid of?
strongish, I can relate to this feeling. I think that for about a year now I have been carrying the M trying to make it work. I have been too eager to come to a resolution, to have FWW get it and have things work out. I am now trying a more passive approach, allowing FWW to find her way, or not.
For the last week, since her breakdown after her event, I have been more disengaged. This has been comfortable for me. We do things during the day, we watched a movie last night, but I am sleeping in the spare room. Not being in bed with FWW helps me to set aside my desire and lust for her. The parts that we do well, friends and parents, we do together. The part of being in an emotionally and physically intimate relationship, we will see. While I am 16 months from dday, I have to remind myself that we are just 4 months from when I moved back into the house, and less than a year from my second dday when I found out the A's were much more than I had expected.
allgood, friends are a good thing to have. Since moving here 6 years ago I have not done well at establishing good friends, but I am working on it. It really helps to have some other adults to do things with if FWW is busy, or I need a break from us. So I think you have a good plan to work on that.
honest, you are such a beautiful person in how you see the world and express yourself. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve.
That was what my W said she thought about me during her A.
Please allow me to describe this person. They are not mature enough yet... They think with emotions and not conscious choice. The do not know mature love or understand it. They chase and chase something they will never find. Every so often, they find a new partner who knows it and they might learn it, but that takes a change. They live a life in confused love. These people don’t make good life partners.
These people believe love is totally based on “attractions”. But attractions are feelings that come and go… endlessly over time. Attractions can come with the simplest of actions. Attractions can be wiped away with a smell, a taste, a vision.
A gift of flowers could provoke an attraction, but when you have made a decision not to love, you avoid it by placing it somewhere you don’t have to look at it. A card with something loving written is attractive. It provokes good thoughts, memories and may invoke a feeling. But if you choose not to love someone, you do not acknowledge it, and place that note in some box.
Yes DeepP, I understand you choose to love your wife. You have learned to understanding what love is.. lol.. It really is a decision.
Now you must also somehow learn how to make fearless choices on what you need to do in order to be happy. For me, I made choices that included many new boundaries. This boundary is most important. I will only be married to someone who gives me mature love.
When someone makes a choice not to love or stay confused, this is a decision we cannot control.
There is a big difference between what happened in my relationship that took us to reconciliation and yours DeepP. Let me tell you what my W did. These are all choices she made that you wife is not making. I had no control over these things she did.
- She quit her job during the toughest time and took a risk.
- She HB’d me sending me a message at that time.
- She dug deep into her soul and heartfelt apologized. Three times.
- She did not run when all our kids, our friends, our family knew her sins.
- She took my physically throwing her to the ground. She understood it, my anger.
- She took my verbal calling her every name in the book, punching walls, slinging everything on a kitchen desk to the ground in hurt.
- She did not run, but stood her ground and demanded that I be kind.
- She went to some IC
- She went to some MC
- She went to retrou and did what we learned.
- She read the books I gave her.
- She confessed her sins to God and asked for forgiveness
- She was able to forgive herself
- She made the choice to love me... MOST important.
DeepP, I am 100% certain that happiness is linked to being with a partner that can love you in a mature way. If your W is not making an effort with solid conviction, the you need to seek it somewhere else. Move forward. She must make a choice too. To allow her to ride the fence is unfair toward working to make yourself happy.
DeepP, I wish you strength…
Honest, beautiful poems! Beautiful. I actually felt them.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:12 AM, February 15th (Tuesday)]
I have drawn up divorce papers because my faith is finally on its last leg. My confident that I can forgive you has dripped to its last drop. I have not been able to make the decision to trust you again. My hope is on a thread. I treat you with ugliness because my hurt just cannot seem to go away. My expectations are such that every choice you make is wrong.
I have mentioned this before and all the signals you give me say NO, you don’t want to try. Someone that loves me told me that the Catholic Church Retrouvaille program that teaches a way that we might be able to somehow reconnect. I am willing to try if you are willing to try.
If not, I understand.
At some point in time, if you are going to make it, you need to conclude why your W failed. With all you say, I think you perfectly understand the whys for her. She gave you enough information to know. Accept it.
How hard is it to accept it now? To look at it for what it was. To acknowledge her past, say to yourself, you are OK with all of it, and then start focusing totally on the today.
Working toward be intimate, to love with physical touch again, and in different ways, sharing, being kind, forgive by NEVER again throwing this in her face, never again reminding her about her sins… All those things.
What do you think about my way?
Good things are about to come your way.. Make it so!