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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still here, but I'm outta here in just a sec. Dip -- I henceforth promise to replace the umbrella drink of my imagination with a PBR (Heineken? F* that shit!)

Nah, I think immersing myself IRL would be helpful.

I did want to say though -- last year someone asked WH what he gave up for Lent and I blurted out "adultery."


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3...
I blurted out "adultery."
Funny... Oh I can assure you, I am not superman. You know, I can cry. Is that superman?

Life is not always fair.

So, I'm just going be the best person I can be and try to have some fun along the way.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

last year someone asked WH what he gave up for Lent and I blurted out "adultery."

I'm putting that in the quote thread!!! LOL!!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would someone help me, please? The "Boundaries" book that m3 was talking about... what's the full title? All I can come up with is "Boundaries to remember when your stupid WS is being a complete ass" and I find nothing under that title.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The full title is "Boundaries" but the sub title is:
"When to Say Yes How to Take Control of Your Life"

Authors: Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Hope this helps


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: i am sure you are already gone off the internet for a while...but i hope you change your sacrifice....i don't think sacrifing a place to help you heal and get whole is what god had in mind.....

and you know its not only about giving something up, it can also be something you add to help others....

just sayin....


last year someone asked WH what he gave up for Lent and I blurted out "adultery."

loved this



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

last year someone asked WH what he gave up for Lent and I blurted out "adultery."

m3.

If you are still here, can't you give up something for lent besides the internet?

M3

Sorry honey, lent is not for this. Lent is best spent doing for others. We need you. We need your wise words and we need to know you are OK. So give up chocolate or wine or soft drink or sex but I know God doesn't want you to give up us (I am an expert. It's my job. I have been teaching Religious Ed in a Catholic school for 33 yrs and am now head of department with 19 teachers to supervise so I know what I'm talking about).

Now I am shamed. I am an RE teacher who says "fucking ducks" and the like. I know God understands about my foul language and I know he wants you to be here!!!!

Wow
So many of us are Catholic. My H isn't. Survey??? Maybe it's why we were so naive We believed in the 6th commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery" (Or the 7th for some isn't it?)or for those of us who are agnostic or atheist just plain honesty.

Can't talk more. FWH has just come in from feeding FDs (prize for who guesses this one first!!! )

Love you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

Laura,
Still keeping you and yours in my prayers... don't know the Hail Mary (we "frozen chosen" don't play that) but I hope personal words will do.

I love you. Some of my best friends and people I most admire are members of the "frozen chosen". Please don't use this term. I respect and honour your faith more than you will ever know.

Love
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura:

Can't talk more. FWH has just come in from feeding FDs (prize for who guesses this one first!!! )

could it be :(drum roll please)

fucking dickhead....no that can't be right, how do you feed a dickhead...oh i know you give him milk of magnesia and then lock the bathroom door...

or is it the fucking ducks!!! the fucking ducks on the grass!!!


do i win, do i win...

and please tell me is my prize is the key to the bathroom....or my very own cabana boy making a housecall....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

Catholic here....grade school and high school, have been an RE teached off and on for years. I completely understand the guilt thing. FWH however doesn't DO guilt. I used to think that was because he was remarkably self-confident and had integrity to match. Come to find out it's just because he's emotionally constipated!

Have a MC appt. this morning Tribe. FWH has pretty much been out of town the last two weeks and I pick him up from the airport and go directly to the appt. On my run this morning I let myself think about something that I wouldn't before. Not the S/D thing...I TOTALLY go there all the time! More or less an "Aha" moment. It's still a work in progress but I will write again this afternoon to clarify.

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, your poll...

i am catholic, was a catechist to my kids, pfm is catholic too, his mom was jewish and coverted....this woman has now disgraced 2 religions....so in the jewish tradition pfm would be considered a jew because his mother is jewish, they do not recognise conversion...and any child born to a jewish mother is jewish....

we got married in church and when we spoke our vows, there are 2 parts where you pledge fidelity...he actually stumbled over his words at both parts, since he knew that he was already involved as an om and had no intention of ending that relationship just because he was now married....afterall she was married...so not they were both married....

so actually in the eyes of the church i could actually get an annulment....but i can't do that to my kids...the marriage may not have been real to him but it was for me and my kids...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The poll:

My H is Catholic. Went to Catholic school through 8th grade. Alter boy, etc.

I am Lutheran.

Personally, I don't think choice of religion has much to do with infidelity.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW was a Jesus Freak in college and Charismatic in her first M, but after being abused in the name of the Lord, and by the most “holy" people in her life, she lost her interest in organized religion. I was a Presbyterian like Nell (debtor rather than a trespasser ), and a Church Elder once upon a time. Since moving south FWW and I have not found a church we like. I guess I am more a Zen-Humanist now, although my Facebook page says Pastafarian.

--Ats (whose day started at 0430 this morning )

eta:

we spoke our vows, there are 2 parts where you pledge fidelity...he actually stumbled over his words at both parts...

I can still recite my wedding vows from memory, FWW forgot them within days. I'm not saying there is a cause and effect, but...

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:54 AM, March 11th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not Catholic.

I'm still giving up girl scout thin mints for lent. Lucky for me I ran out day before yesterday. I just hope one of those little girl scouts does not come knocking on my door with a surplus-clearance sale of thin mints. I might cave in!

Since m3 is gone, should we start a "office pool" about how many days before she checks on us?

She is not here but I will thank her anyway for replacing the umbrella drink with cheap beer. Good job m3.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I love you, too. I didn't mean to offend and since that term does strike something for you, I won't use that term again because I respect you.

honest,
Thank you!

I must say, I do find saying "debtors" to be much easier than saying "trespassers" right now, seeing as how I'm not feeling terribly forgive-ish against those who have trespassed all the fuck over and against me.

I've gotten to the end of this message and have come back to this spot to let you all know that this has turned into a monologue about my personal road to forgiveness.

Not terribly long ago, I tried an "I forgive you" letter to OW and it was an epic fail. It turned into something far more revenge fantasy-y than forgive-y. (Although it contained much creative language, and was cathartic, it was not the kind of catharsis I was going for.) I realize that not only am I unable to forgive someone who would blatantly try to rip apart my world and damage my children to her own sick, twisted, selfish benefit... but it does nothing for me. I will get the same result if I simply wash my hands of her and let some higher power deal with her shit. She is also nearly a stranger to me, and the only thread between us is that we both lurved the same man at the same time. Her son is an innocent victim, like the rest of us (excluding Mr. Nell) and so I do pray that he can grow beyond the obstacles placed in his way by his mother (and, if OW is to be believed, his father) and become a healthy, happy adult.

I also tried one to WH and it turned into a list of stuff that he has not recognized or tried to make amends for. It was good to see it, actually. It showed me that there's a very good reason that it is taking me a looooong time to get to a feeling of forgiveness, even when I (usually) practice the actions of forgiveness, as tryn so wisely laid out. And it has to do with external factors, things that I cannot control. It's difficult to forgive someone who refuses to see the damage he caused, much less do anything to repair it. I can look at my own past relationships and see that forgiveness is possible--even easy for me--once all mental/emotional ties to the offending party or the offending actions have been broken. It has actually been a pretty quick process, even when the things I have forgiven are pretty bad and the relationships are long-lasting. I think this speaks to honest's opinion that forgiveness is possible once the offenses have stopped.

So. Eventually I will feel and then give forgiveness to WH. He could make it easier for me, but he isn't. I am no longer accepting any self-guilt over not being able to achieve forgiveness yet. I have been feeling kinda shitty (just a little) about not being able to do that. No mas. The things I am unable to do (trust, forgive, be vulnerable) are impossible because HIS ACTIONS continue to create an environment where those things are impossible. It's not because I'm being all bitchy and mean and selfish and wrong. It's because I'm human and I'm reacting reasonably to the situation. Stealing words from Mr. Nell, "I am not perfect." And I am no longer expecting myself to act like it.

That's what I'm giving up for Lent: Guilt for not measuring up to my own impossible standards.

...aaaaaand breathe...

*edited to fix some grammar, including incorrect use of the f-bomb.*

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:50 AM, March 11th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a good weekend Tribe. FWW are taking this afternoon off to go exploring and try to work on the connections that were strained earlier in the week.

Love,

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catholic here, too. Survived 12 years of Catholic School, taught 11 years in Catholic School. Was a lector for many years, played guitar in the "folk group", etc. But I'm more spiritual, than "by the book" KWIM? Irish Catholic = Martyr behavior full of guilt for nothing....

That's what I'm giving up for Lent: Guilt for not measuring up to my own impossible standards.

Perfect Nell!!!!

In "Co-dependent No More", Melody Beattie discussed this commandment: "Love thy neighbor as thyself".

We ARE supposed to love ourselves, in the good way of course. We ARE supposed to take care of ourselves, and it's not selfish. We do not have to put others before us and not take care of ourselves. There must be a balance.

Sometimes I think those teachings that are etched in our brains were for people who were selfish and didn't think of others at all, and many of us took it too far and put others before us, and didn't take care of ourselves at all.

ok, enough ramble.

There was something else that helped from that book. It said to "deal with your pain". Ok, how? It said to feel it and then examine it. Pain is not right or wrong. But one can examine why does this thing/event/etc hurt so much? Deep down, WHY?

Was it the feeling of betrayal? of rejection? of abandonment? loss of love?

Of course it is all of the above, but I tried to examine what was the strongest one for me, and found that one emotion was the underlying cause of most of my hurt in everything. It was for ME, the feeling of not belonging. (FOO issues) that was incredibly strong and debilitating for ME because it made me feel that I wasn't good enough, or only wanted for the things I could DO not for ME. I was an outsider looking in. Of course the feeling of not belonging is related to all the other feelings, like abandonment, rejection, loss of love,etc.

Very importantly, it was a feeling, and did not necessariy mean it was true. I guess for me, being part of the family = love. No matter what I would belong, I would still be loved even if I made a mistake. I grew up feeling that making a mistake or doing something wrong = withdrawl of love and I wasn't sure what action would incur that. It was not consistant.

Intellectually I know now, that it wasn't ME, it was my mother's BPD/depression, etc and my father's alcoholism. It is just working through the feelings that is the challenge now!

Now that I think I've isolated a biggie for me, I'll see what I can do about it.

So this is my big discovery: how to "DEAL" with my feelings. Still working on it. The feelings can be so overwhelming we don't know what to do with them, and they get squelshed down over the years and things happen later that bring the whole mess to the surface.

And being here, with you guys, I feel like I belong...thank you all so much for your support and caring and love. You have saved my life.

{{{{{tribe}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:08 PM, March 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: I'm glad to see you two are making such a swift rebound. That's great.

Honest: You sound really, really good!

Actually, everyone seems like they are doing aight, as they say.

Well, I'm heading home.
I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, March 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had written a long post, and it went *poof*.

Allgood, thank you. I do feel better today. I think I work on solar energy. It was sunny today, so I felt better.

Anyway, I think it was because I set a priority. The house looks like it threw up on itself. But whenever I got a chance, I journaled and reflected. I needed it badly. It's going to be part of my new routine. I made the decision that it was more important to work on myself and my healing than to have the tables dusted. If I heal, then everything else will fall into place. Meditation/reflection/healing/journaling that I will set aside a time for each day.

There was a title of an old self help book (I never read it) "I'm OK, You're OK" has new meaning for me, especially the "I'm OK".

And...you are all MORE than OK here at the LTA tribe. I love each and every one of you like part of my family.
God bless you all.

{{{{{tribe}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:22 PM, March 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not catholic
WW is catholic - went to girls only catholic high school & voted most likely to become a nun
WW cheating father is jewish as is his cheating father.

MIL finally asked the right question - she now knows about the A.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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