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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deep-
Good that your MIL knows.
I am a big believer in outting the affair.
I do think that the truth will set you free!
and... it will help your WW face the reality of her actions.
I feel that when we 'keep the WS secrets' that we enable the behavior.
Just like with an alcoholic.
My husband was a functional alcoholic throughout our marriage and I tried to protect his reputation so I hid it from everyone-my parents, his family, our kids, friends etc.
I realize now that covering up for him just enabled him to continue in his toxic behaviors and toxic thinking.
After d-day... I said enough!
No more secrets!
I did nothing wrong.
Let him face up to his actions.
And..in the long run I do think that was the thing that helped him hit bottom big time and now I have a totally changed husband-he is a new man in so many ways.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, how I love to discuss forgiveness.

feeling of forgiveness

I have come to know that forgiveness in not feeling. My inner feelings I still have are fear, hesitancy, pessimistic, suspicious and some worryover my W and her OM still meeting deep underground. I have not been able to throw these feelings away, make go, or disappear. They are feelings I have and they are what they are. Now 30 months post D-day, I have no idea if these feelings will ever leave my soul or mind.

It is not easy to live with these feelings. I have them maybe every day in some intensity. When you R, I believe it becomes a part of you now. I am certain the intensity of these feelings are far less than days gone by.

The advantage of D is that you do eliminate the feelings above. When you D, your brain will somehow place your relationship at an end. And it has ended. You cannot fear, be suspicious of a marriage promise you no long have. Your feelings just change. It is no wonder the D rate is so high. These feelings of fear, uncertainty, and etc., I do not consider being good and positive feelings.

practice the actions of forgiveness
I have forgiven both my W and OM. I practice them and I think it has been now 6 months or so since I last broke practicing forgiveness. I do place my fate in the hands of God. BTW, It’s not me that made up how to forgive. Forgiveness is an age old practice. Forgiveness is proven to give you true peace. This is why faith teaches us about forgiving. Forgiving ends with peace of mind.


The idea behind forgiving your spouse after infidelity is to give you a peace. What I have found in my journey is that since I started practicing forgiveness, my W has started to feel “good feelings. “ Those good feelings somehow spill over to me. I do believe that love can only exist in freedom.

I promised to my W, the priest that married us, the Catholic Church that I would raise my kids Catholic. Yes, I am Catholic. I was raised Methodist. Back in 2000, I completed a Catechumenate. I did it because I remember today my W telling me she was “not living life”, something missing, things like “that”. She had finished her college degree while a homemaker, she had started to work to fill her mind. Around that time, I went through the 6-8 month process and my W actually sponsored me. It was a big deal to me and I did it to bring us, and our family closer together. Crazy thing, this was the time when she began her A.

The book I read about boundaries is Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep: So.... please tell.... what did MIL say? What did WW say? Inquiring minds want to know!

Honest:

I made the decision that it was more important to work on myself and my healing than to have the tables dusted.

I made this decision in 1995. Lol.

"If I heal, then everything else will fall into place."

Yes, but your house will still be a mess. Lol. It's ok - you will get used to it.

ETA: Preparing for a shitstorm tomorrow as my H is going out after work for a party. Not really sure if OW will be there or not. I know I have no legit reason to complain to him (and I'm not), but I know I will still be pissed/stressed/anxious.

Actually last 2 days have been very tough for me. Very teary. I actually passed on going to the 2 parties I was to attend last night because of it. I had WH take the kids to his family event and I stayed home alone, which quite frankly was exactly what I needed.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:58 AM, March 12th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest.. I can tell you are moving toward a new life! Good for you. I enjoy reading your post.

Peace


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood-
so sorry that he continues going down this path. Going to a party alone with work people (possibly the OW too) is his way of sending a huge message.
Its as if he is thumbing his nose at any chance of saving the marriage.
His actions are not those of a remorseful man.
It so sad to watch the disintegration of a marriage and family.
I do believe that he will regret all of this one day.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christian - not Catholic. Not currently attending a church but did grow up with a Frozen Chosen Mom and Dad.

I've gotten to the end of this message and have come back to this spot to let you all know that this has turned into a monologue about my personal road to forgiveness.

Thank you Nell - I could have written your entire post. My adventure this past summer with forgiveness for OW and WS was an epic fail also. I am so not "there". I am not. I have been toying with the idea of charity within the relationship. Not sure if I can communicate what I mean by this - or if I even know what I mean by charity in the relationship. Probably some misguided holier than thou crap I'm trying to muddle through mixed in with really doing a 180 for myself - but there you go.

Tryn - I am not able to even "practice" forgiveness right now. Fake it until I make it? Nope - I am slinking around in the shadows about it - just not "in" it right now. I don't want to surrender just yet.

As always - great posts everyone.


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright.
Y'all were too busy to play today and I was left to my own devices.
Massive, massive meltdown leading to a complete failure to stay on the 180.

There. I said it.
I don't know why I can't just accept the fact that my H was unable to support me when he was actually trying to reconcile and I cannot expect, nor ask, for any form of support from him in our separation either.

No 2x4s needed. I know I screwed up and I'm off track, etc.

He is never, never ever going to be anyone I want to be with. Each time this happens it should reinforce that point.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Allgood.
How about this for the patheticist silver lining ever:
Every time you try and fail, you're one step closer to admitting to yourself that your relationship is not failING, but has failED. One step closer to closing the creaking, splintered, ugly door and opening the big-ass, triple-paned, sparkling window.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Nell.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((AGNG))))))

Sorry honey I have few words to console you.

Vent here heaps if it helps.

I try to think of SI like this

This is the BS. Cruising along through life. It isn't good but it isn't so bad either. Then one dday life changes completely

There is the pain of change, ugliness, darkness, fear, the inability to move forward

But for the BS there is a new and better life to come

It will be better than before. With or without the WS the BS will still be better off than before dday. The BS can now really LIVE because they are not handicapped by a lack of knowledge of what life can really be like with truth.

Look after you

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

It's 8.30 am Sun here. I am going to Mass at 9.30 and then my sister and I are going to clean out my aunt's room at the aged care facility where she and mum lived . OW1 still works there but as far as I know always works afternoons on Sunday so hopefully we will be gone before she starts work.

If she is there this morning I will give her the finger with dignity

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, with the days that come, vent here about ANYTHING that is bothering you. We are here to listen. One day at a time, one hour at a time, even minutes at a time.

Laura, beautiful pics. I will try to focus on my transforation too. Very painful process.
My prayers go out to you and your family during htis difficult time.

Nell, that is a nice saying. I'll copy it down.

Love to everyone. You are all in my prayers.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saturday afternoon... home alone... totally unmotivated to do anything constructive about making this place look like we are having a family dinner here tomorrow. Instead I am procrastinating by playing Scrabble on FB and jumping from one blog to another. I read that LovinLife's dad passed away this morning and wrote a note of condolence. I tried to stay away from SI but here I am. This place is in my thoughts so much that I fear it is part of the reason I still doubt that I have the whole truth about his A and wonder if we are really moving toward R or just going thru the motions.

I am Lutheran and my H grew up in the United church. He took a membership class and joined the Lutheran church after our 1st son was born. Our children were all confirmed Lutheran but all had civil marriages as their spouses could best be described as 'lapsed' Catholics. I find it sad that my grandson's are not baptized. Ironically when H & I attend church it is at a Baptist church where MiL is a member of the church council! She knows of his A but still considers him "a good boy". Her words to the pastor who did his sister's funeral.

Laura... I am sorry to read about your aunt's passing. In the coming days I hope you are able to hold tight to your memories for comfort... Lean on your friends for strength and always remember how much you are cared about.

AllGood: I'm sorry your H continues to be someone you don't want to know. I admire your strength in dealing with him daily. I can't imagine how you don't 'melt down' on a regular basis. Just waiting for separation deadline is hard enough, IMO. I agree with NJGal's post.
Does his family know of his A? Sorry I don't recall this info. Many times when I wanted to stay home alone (usually after a sleepless night) when we were to take MiL across town to sis-i-l's, my H insisted I join him. I caved not wanting to disappoint MiL... People Pleaser me - betraying myself after his betrayal. T/J over. {{{AllGood}}}

Nell... you have a way with words. Silver lining description that is fitting but I would never have come up with. (Excuse my poor grammar).

Tryn: your forgiveness posts are so thought provoking. I thought I had forgiven my H but I now know it was too soon.

My inner feelings I still have are fear, hesitancy, pessimistic, suspicious and some worry over my W and her OM still meeting deep underground.
Change to H and OW, and 49 months after Dday - that is me! For me it's worse when I'm alone, esp. if he's at work. I don't have peace. Going to check out that Boundaries book. thanks for the author info.

Weekend is half over... time to attend to 'life' as I know it.

{{{LTA tribe, one & all}}}

I know I didn't address everyone. I should take notes... but then I'd never hit the 'submit' bottom.

[This message edited by lostsuol at 4:30 PM, March 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Atgh....just lost a long, long post. I'm sure I'll forget something as I retype....

Allgood - Honey, don't beat yourself up about having a meltdown. You are human and are going through one of the most devastating things a person can go through....and have been for quite some time. Concentrate on how many times you want to cry, but don't and I think you'll see that you are actually pretty much a super-woman! Go buy a red cape and start wearing it!

Honest - You sound so much better these past few days. Glad to hear it. Keep on focusing on yourself. The dust will still be there tomorrow.

Laua - I don't know how one gives the finger "with dignity" but I'm confident that you can give the finger with dignity and style. Do it for all of us here at LTA!!

Speaking of meltdowns....I had a major one at the MC yesterday. First time I've broken down in her office and I kept apologizing. She was having none of that and was great about encouraging me to be honest about how I was feeling. I was SO angry at FWH! For 8 months I've been listening to "Poor FWH, can't get in touch with his feelings." I lost it. Like I'm supposed to feel bad that he can't tap into his emotions??

I said that I couldn't keep doing this....that is, listening to FWH talk about his "feelings" or lack thereof, and his minimizing the impact of his LTA, ONS's, and failure to use a condom!

Background.....I had the DS17's car state inspection done as it was 2 mos. overdue. At the time I also had the oil changed (couldn't remember when it was done last) and the mechanic recommended I get the fuel filter changed out as well. He brought it out, showed it to me and how dirty the gas was, etc. So I agreed. Usually, car service is done by or monitored by FWH, but he is so rarely home and when he is he is pretty busy. No problem...I take care of it, like I have done whenever something that he usually does but can't get to. (Frozen pipes this winter...leaky faucet.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not excited about doing this stuff, but I have always considered us a partnership. So if he can't get to it, I'm happy or can at least tolerate, to do it.

So I pick up FWH from the aiport on our way to the MC. I start telling him about how I had the car inspected, etc. I don't mention that it was 2 mos. overdue or that DS17 was pulled over by a cop and given a warning because the inspection was overdue. And I'm thinking that FWH will at least be thankful that it was done and maybe just a little chagrined that he didn't get to it before I stepped in. Instead, the first thing he says is that DS17 got "taken in" by the mechanic about the fuel filter. Okay, maybe I was expecting a little more than chagrin...but I lost it. I repeated that I was the one that had taken the car in and that I wasn't stupid, I authorized the additional cost based on what the mechanic showed me. Well, FWH says that if he had known it was me that took the car in then he wouldn't have said what he did. My point was it doesn't matter WHO got the car inspected, why would he ASSUME that DS17 or I couldn't do as good a job as he could if he had had it done. This was all before we had even left the airport property.

Sop we show up at the MC and we're both angry with each other. I guess it was expected that one of us would blow...and it was me. Our argueing started about something stupid (the car and his comment) but this is just another example of how he doesn't listen to me, that my opinion is not taken seriously and how he sees himself as having all the answers.

He is completely baffled by my continued emotional response (sadness, anger). I told MC about his feeling responsible but not guilty. He intellectually feels responsible, but does not feel the emotional part...guilt. If he hasn't felt it seeing me have meltdown after meltdown, screaming, throwing things, hysterically crying...then I'm counting on his having an epiphany anytime soon.

I told him in front of the MC that I did not think he was or is strong enough to be married to me. (My aha moment.) I am doing the hard work to repair the damage that he has caused. I have talked to IC/MC, read books, talked to friends that have R, successfully and unsuccessfully, and have kept up pretenses for 8+ months now that everything is hunky-dory, in order to preserve FWH's reputation and relationship with our kids. I will continue to distance myself from FWH and if he ever come to the point where he can actually FEEL what he's done, then I may or may not be around at that time. I'm tired of feeling sad and helpless. No more....it's time to feel "strong-ish!!"

Thanks for listening Tribe. Laundry awaits....


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost, I think so many of us here are "people pleasers". We got so used to that role.
You have to give to yourself too and not be so self sacrificing that you are giving up yourself. I hope you can get to a place that you can have peace when your WH is gone.

Strongish, I'm glad that you were able to let out your anger in MC! I can't believe that most of your sessions were involved around your WH!
I'm glad you are feeling "strong - ish"! It is so hard when the WS doesn't show true remorse. I understand what you mean about your WS intellectually feeling responsible. Possibly that is a first step. My WH doesn't even feel that. He blames me for everything.

Hang in there, and it's good that you are venting.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs -my buddies always come through!

Laura: loved the pics and the analogy.

Lostsuol: No, his family doesn't know. My family doesn't know. Only a handful of our friends know (tho all of his coworkers know due to the fact that OW was a coworker.)

His family is huge and fun, chatty people. Had I gone in my state last night, they would have known something was wrong instantly, or they would wonder what the Hell is wrong with me - mistaking my grief for attitude.
I told him today I'm not going to the family party next week either. If I feel better by Easter, then I will go for my kids only. The way I felt today was so bad I told him that he should start looking for a place asap, I wasn't going to make it til June. (I want to let the kids finish the school year - 2 have graduations before telling them, which is why I have tried to keep a lid on the fact that we are separating in general - I don't want my kids to find out from someone else by accident.)

So, today was really pretty bad. The only worse day was the day I found his secret phone. I really think today was worse than DDay, because on DDay I had shock and about 1/10th of the truth which helped quite a bit.

I calmed down enough about an hour ago and just told him that I am really very upset (have been for days) about our separation and I thought even though we weren't together, he could understand, since I thought he was going through the same thing (since he told me that he still loves me, he just thinks I will never get over this and we will never be happy.) And, when he didn't even care about that, it made me mad.

I like being mad. I am more comfortable with being mad than being sad. Doesn't make me very good company though.

Alright.
Enough of me.

((Strongish))


[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:45 PM, March 12th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}}

I'm sending you big hugs. I know how painful this is. I truly do. Vent here as much as you need to. We are here for you.

I think your WH is just acting like a child who is getting his just punishment and is not doing anything about it. He feels it is inevitable. How very sad. How very stupid of him!!

The only thing you can do now is 180 as much as possible to protect yourself and your heart. Grieve as much as you need to.

{{{{{Allgood}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

I like being mad. I am more comfortable with being mad than being sad.

Me too honey. Be real mad if it makes you feel better.
AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD

Strong

You also have a right to be mad. Really mad. Ungrateful fucktard

Laura - I don't know how one gives the finger "with dignity" but I'm confident that you can give the finger with dignity and style. Do it for all of us here at LTA!!

Big build up fizzed. She wasn't there

Lostsuol

49 months!!! Such a long time. Big hugs honey

Honest

You are truly going through a transformation. Blue is the colour for honesty so this is my pic for you

Hugs to everyone

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 9:44 PM, March 12th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am amazed at the Tribe and how even in your pain so many of you reach out to others. You are incredible women. Your support and ((hugs)) makes a huge difference. Thank you.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Laura! Blue is my favorite color!!

I'm so glad that OW wasn't there!


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
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