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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta be quick as this time change thing has messed up my whole house and we are all runnin late.

DP: PI? What's that all about? Glad you are getting some irl support. Has no one said anything to WW yet? Has no one confronted her but you?

Laura:
Bravo!
Much better than the dignified middle finger! (To be honest, wasn't sure how you were going to pull that off anyways.)

Good for you. Seriously. (Does your H know? What did he say?)

On the topic of OWs and remorse: I wouldn't expect any. Especially as you explain her initial reaction. I would not expect an apology anytime soon. She's probably got it all justified and explained away in her own little mind and I doubt the guilt will get to her now just because you know. (After all, she knows that you have known for quite some time and I'm sure your opinion of her didn't really come as a surprise.)

"My" OW (shudder)offered the apology pretty quickly. Went on and on about it too. Her take on it appeared to be that she's human and made a mistake.

But, good for you. I, too, felt a big weight off of me after confronting her (even as limited as my confrontation was).

As for me: H had the party after work. Spoke with him around 9pm and he was pretty drunk. Told him (nicely) he should stop drinking soon. Spoke with him again at 12:30 and he said he had stopped drinking 20 minutes ago and should be fine to drive soon!

I seriously disagreed that that was possible. Every time we spoke last night it was eery quiet. Took the calls at the bar outside, he says. I called him at 1:30, several times before he answered and I assume he was in his car (again quiet)and he was completely drunk. Worse than the way he was an hour ago. Got into it with him. Told him not to bother coming home. Got a lot of "We're not together anymore so it's none of your business what I'm doing".
I briefly explained why it was still my business (I was worried about his safety as well as anyone else on the road, etc) and told him we could discuss it when he was sober.

Just spoke with him now and explained how I am not going to continue to live with him if this is going to be his attitude for the next 3 months. He can do what he wants, but I don't have to co-exist and watch it.

No acknowledgment that he did anything wrong. In fact, he made a "good" decision by not driving home. (Which is hysterical because I insisted over his protest that he not drive home AND it ignores all the bad decision that put him in that state to begin with.)
Damn!

ETA: I guess this was less of a "F-off" response than I thought. He just texted me how he's sorry and he feels like shit and misses being with me.
I wonder who told him to write that? Lol
I also wonder who is going to be his mother when I'm gone... (seriously)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:53 AM, March 14th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone, I am sorry that you must co-exist with his immature and reckless behavior. I guess the positive aspect is that it helps to reduce the second thoughts.

Nell, it is nice to read he has his priorities aligned correctly. Geesh

Lol

...wearing a sparkly unitard and riding an elephant, it would have been circus-worthy.
Is this the invisible elephant in the room they keep talking about?

Laura, good for you. I have never had the chance for confrontation. Early on, I was too concerned that I might do something to make my matters worse, so I avoided. Now, I choose not to let the OM know how much processing time they take up in my mind. Still, I think the BIL is going to get a piece of me some day. BTW, while all butterflies symbolize rebirth, the blue butterflies indicate a change in luck too.

My no1 priority is me, finding work, & being there for my children - I will not carry her load anymore. I am detaching - slowly ever slowly.
Good for you DP, we all follow our own paths, and none of them have shortcuts.

Hi honest, I have to admit I am glad this is you and not my car.

I have a turned a corner, but I seem to be running low on fuel
I got myself all revved up, but am slowing down but haven't lost my momentum yet.
I am still getting confused on my direction, but at least I got my motor running.

We need some sort of AAA for life, along with a Garmin life direction indicator, and all would be well!

Allgood, brokenpromise, and iwam all mentioned being mad; that it is addictive, that it is easier. These things are true; anger is also powerful and can give us the emotional resolve to do difficult things. However, anger is not a primary feeling; it is the result of our hurt, fear, or some other feeling. When we say we are angry it may be true, but it does little to help us to know how to heal. To heal the anger, we must identify the primary feeling feeding our anger, and its cause (rejection, embarrassment, frustration, ). It is important to eventually identify and resolve the source of our anger so we can depressurize our physiology. Anger raises our blood pressure, tenses our muscles, and affects our thought processes.

Hugs to the Tribe

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pay cut thing... WH feels that by taking a day off every week, he can find investors for his business idea, and he cannot do that while continuing to work 40 hours per week. I disagree, but my opinions do not matter except that they give him fodder to blame me for his businesses not getting investors (true story, I "never supported him") and ways to compare my real sacrifices with OW's marshmallow lollipop babytalking blather. Says a very tired, cynical and used-up Nell.

I think I may have talked him into using his inheritance from his grandfather to fund this, though, so at least it won't come out of our savings. THe inheritance was given in his name before we met and therefore wouldn't be considered joint property upon divorce, as I understand the law in my state.

Never fear, tryn... I am always thinking of my little ducks.

Laura, now I'm thinking of your ducks and butterflies... and don't ducks eat butterflies? I would love to walk up to OW and tell her what I think of her, but that would give HER fodder to paint herself as a victim and she can just bite me.

ats, how was your weekend?

Oh, Allgood... you're near the end, honey.

honest, dp, Miracle... hugs.

ETA: ...and hugs to strongish and promise and everyone else... I'm so SO tired...

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 8:43 AM, March 14th (Monday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my.....so much happenins....and most of it ugly....

laura i will start with you...mostly because your's is not ugly...think badly of you...HELL NO...you are more my hero then you already were and you is up there....telling her what you felt and walking away...with your head held high...and still with thoughts that forgiveness can be hers should she do the work....which tells me that you will forgive not her but the past.....that oprah quote comes to mind..."... Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed. "

and letting go means moving on....she no longer needs to be in your thoughts....dismissed i think....

there are times when you really need to tell the people who hurt you to fuck off....so bravo dear heart....bravo...

and the blue butterfly...totally significant...methinks there is someone watching out for you from up above and sending you beautiful signs that life does indeed go on...everything is always changing...but it could still be beautiful....


tryn: glad to hear that you do tell her and allow her to help you....it will get better tryn, it will take time but it will get better....the longer you and she connect, truly connect the better it will get.....you like njgal and even laura have a marriage that really is better now then it was then....the journey to get there though is huge to recover from...and my hope for all of you is that eventually the journey through the pain will end and you will find yourselves able to let go of the triggers and rejoice in what you have now and in what the future holds...


(((((nell))))): i am sorry about your meltdown...i love your idea about him using his own inheritence....if he is so sure it will succeed this should not be an issue then...and you could stick to it...and if he has reservations...well then maybe he shouldn't do it period...

and nell its ok you know, it really is ok to let it out and its more then ok when its directed at him...he has not earned his way out of this yet....in fact he is earning a spot on our wall of stupid...

which brings me to our winner of the week...

(((((allgood))))): i am so sorry...i wish i knew what to say....i think you need to detach as much as humanly possible....time to take a step back,

b r e a t h e

and let him go....his behavior is completely unacceptable....and i understand the need for you to get him out then....but and this is a big but...make sure this is really what you want on the mommy front...we are in the middle of march which leaves only 2 1/2 months til school is done....so put yourself in the sich in your head...take the path of least regret...and allgood, if you cannot put on a front with your kids then this is a no brainer.....but if you can...think about it...and picture the worst cast scenario with your kids, especially the older boys...12 is a iffy age...puberty and adolenscense....mixed in with family issues....BUT ONLY if you could hold it together...if you cannot....and your boys see your pain, or fighting....then there is no point...because that will only delay the end of the intial damage...living in a warzone or with a mom who is so unhappy will do worse damage....

so, b r e a t h e and think...and mr nogood should have a place ready just in case and so when the day does come he is gone...

he does not "see" yet allgood...and i am not so sure he will...he seems to self medicating...and if he keeps turning to alcohol..he will not only never "see" but become an alcoholic in every sense of the word....it wont be just a possibility but reality....

so you may want to put some clauses in the divorce aggreement...about this issue...because he also seems to have a serious lack of intelligence when it comes to drinking and driving...taking like a teen who believes it wont happen to them


purple: i am sorry if all this support is for her....what kind of support will there be for you???

is there anyone that you talk to about everything...you really do share so little, and you really do need to let alot out....keeping it bottled up is so not good...i hope you at least journal...and i forget if you are in ic...if not that would also be a beneficial thing to do....

ats: your take on the anger is spot on...i think for us though the anger is sometimes necessary for us to function....and function we must do....for honest..her anger is long long overdue and she needs to be angry...for allgood...its keeping her head above water so that she can be mom and keep it together as much as possible at work....we all go through all the emotions, all the pain and hurt too,

speaking for myself... to let the hurt and pain of it all take over is not conducive to my healing...it will put me back into that ugly place where i want to crawl back into bed and stay there...there is so much pain it would consume me...and it would end up making me a sad sad morose person...or even a bitter woman....neither one is an option i want...

so the anger can sometimes help propel me through the day, and in between i have my weepy moments, giving honor to my pain but not letting it overwhelm me...and you know what sometimes anger is a primary emotion....because truth be told i am angry that he did this....not just hurt, but angry...i look at what my life was like married to this poor excuse of a man...what i put up with and for what?!?!?!?....yup it makes me angry...i did what i was supposed to do...i loved the man unconditionally....truly unconditionally....i took my vows and meant them....i did what i was supposed to do and he never NEVER NEVER did...and that pisses me off....it hurts me and it pisses me off....

and i do not want to get lost in my pain or in my anger....so i am learning to use it....for energy, for motivation.....

and when pfm is not saying or doing stupid, my anger is actually very low on the scale...but when he does stupid, and he does it so well...then the scale is no longer balanced....and pfm does stupid so well so often at times...it kind of makes it that much more difficult....so that is where detaching helps...and looking forward to doing FOR ME....

and when all else fails....a little retail therapy always makes me a bit happier....


ok, i 'talked' long enough...way long enough....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been reading lots of posts in here, seems like you all know each other pretty well, sad to belong to the club no one wants to join.

I assume 2 years is long enough to 'qualify' for this group, lol?

H had an A with our friend/employee for almost 2 years. Caught them after a few months, swore it was over, R'd with BOTH of them and kept her working with us, False R for next year and a half.

A ended April 2009, but looking back, don't think we've made much progress at all. I finally gave up trying to 'talk about it' six months ago, and I'm sure my H is just thrilled with THAT. The few times (maybe twice?) in those 6 months, when I slipped up (thanks Miller Lite) and mentioned something, I was met with a H struck suddenly mute.

I write lots of letters I never send, I read here, I post here, and I paste on my 'happy face' for the world to see.

Best way to sum up my life? That thread long ago about asking WS for oranges, and always getting something else. This was my contribution, and it's still dead on:

"H has not only brought me a fruit basket, but also planted a vegetable garden, raised cows and chickens and pigs for meat, planted wheat for flour,built a bakery so I can have desserts, bought an ice cream maker, hired a maid/cook/dishwasher.
I have thanked him profusely for each and every effort, which makes him happy. But then, of course, I ask "Can I have that orange now?".....and get the "What about all the OTHER things I've done?".
Reading this, it makes me sound like some kind of demanding shrew......and I'm really, really not, I just, like you, wanted a simple orange."

And the 'orange' of course, was 'talking about it'. That thread was back in September 2010, right when I gave up.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have time now. Have to run to dentist, my cheek is all swollen up from an infected implant.

Wanted to say, I read everyone' posts and my heart and prayers go out to all of you.

I will post more later.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey pollybuddy... join on in. So what are you going to do? Are you R'ing, D'ing or in limbo?

Thanks Iwant.. I need a boost sometimes.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey pollybuddy... join on in. So what are you going to do? Are you R'ing, D'ing or in limbo?

Well, I guess I'd call it R, but I'm trying to get totally to the point where I accept that he is never going to be there, emotionally, for me. That he's capable of it, but not willing to face his own demons to do so.

I don't want a D, I love him, we get along, have fun, work together....so maybe it's Limbo?

I'm one of those people who analyzes things to death (I've been accused more than once of 'over thinking' things,lol), but I'm also extremely patient. I have truly never yelled at him, never called him names, never over reacted to anything...all in an effort to 'make it easier for him'....I now see that that back-fired, and so I've spent a LOT of time trying to explain to him that even though we "talked about it" (just did a spreadsheet on it, he cheated for 2 years; we've talked about for 11 months and I do not mean daily, just tracked times I knew we DIDN'T talk at all about it, the longest stretch being the past 6 months), we have spent far MORE time talking about 'how to talk about it', than actually talking about it.

Some things came up in his polygraph in November 2009 (he thought about her while having sex with me, he told her she turned him on more, told her sex was better, and the kicker, yes, he told her they would eventually 'be together'),that we barely brushed the surface of. It was like once he took the poly, he saw it as a 'get out of jail free card'.

In my mind, however, those new revelations rocked my mind and I wanted to discuss them. His attitude has always been "I cheated, I was a piece of *hit, I'll never do it again, I hate what I did to you, let's live for today and be happy, I love you".

My attitude, unfortunately, is "excuse ME??" I want to know WHAT they talked about as far as being together, how to know he's not STILL thinking about her while having sex with me, when it REALLY started, etc...He's not mean in any way.

He answers like this most of the time "yes, we probably talked about being together, but it wasn't real"...and when I say 'but what did you SAY' and I'm not asking for specific WORDS, I'm trying to understand how they carried this on for 2 years, and remember, I had daily contact with her too, and why they never followed through, did they discuss dates (let's wait until after Christmas, Valentines, our big group coming up, etc..)....


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polly.

Welcome to the LTA house. The orange story is right on. If only these WSs would just give us the most basic of needs instead of running around in circles.

Nell.

Sparkly unitard and riding an elephant? Pictures please.

ats.

How would she find the invisible elephant in order to ride it? I'm guessing by sense of smell.

Laura.

I think you did a good job with the OW. She may not act like it, but deep down she has to feel like she got put in her place.

Allgood.

I really wish you could get your H into AA. I know that ia a hard thing to do, but he is at best going to get in trouble, at worst have a bad accident.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi pollybuddy.

...the point where I accept that he is never going to be there, emotionally, for me. <snip> I don't want a D, I love him, ...

That just really seems sad to me.

Some things came up in his polygraph in November 2009 (he thought about her while having sex with me, he told her she turned him on more, told her sex was better, and the kicker, yes, he told her they would eventually 'be together'),

None of these answers surprise me. I have not had FWW do the poly, but I fully suspect that her answer would be yes to these questions too. In fact, she has admitted to the last two on her own, and if I am thinking of the OM at times during sex, I am sure she did during the LTA while having sex with me.

how to know he's not STILL thinking about her while having sex with me, when it REALLY started, etc...

These may have been better questions for the poly. Such as; have you thought of OW during sex within the last 6 months. Again, I suspect the answer will be yes. Not that he is still in love with her (I do not know), but because I think sex becomes a memory trigger for many people for a long time.

He answers like this most of the time "yes, we probably talked about being together, but it wasn't real"...and when I say 'but what did you SAY' and I'm not asking for specific WORDS, I'm trying to understand

pollybuddy, one of the most important things I learned in my work towards accepting my wife's As is that there is no way to make rational sense of irrational behavior. I understand why she wanted the external validation and affirmation. I understand the behavioral basis behind her mis-perceptions about me. I understand the impact of her FOO issues and SAb issues. What I will never understand, and believe me I have quizzed her and tried, is how she could carry on in a manner that she now agrees was simply not rational. She accepted lies from the OM. She manipulated them and thought she was in love. She thought the As were good for our M.

None of this makes sense, and it never will. I thought for a long time that if I just got enough information I would see the pattern. I would understand. Now I know I never will, nor will she.

ats, how was your weekend?

YourNellNow, it was ....

Now that we had another great weekend, FWW is waiting for the bottom to drop out and things to be bad again. We talked about this over the weekend. She is not able to belive that anything good can last. It scares her when we are doing well. I gave her my perceptions that our doing well is a sign we have better tools than ever to work on and repair (as necessary) our relationship. I also told her I cannot help her with her perceptions. I understand what she is saying, I accept that she feels that way, but it is not how I feel. I am hoping that she continues with her IC, that is her only hope to work this stuff out.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone,

Spoke with him around 9pm and he was pretty drunk.
<snip> Spoke with him again at 12:30 and he said he had stopped drinking 20 minutes ago and should be fine to drive soon! <snip>
I called him at 1:30, several times before he answered and I assume he was in his car (again quiet)and he was completely drunk. Worse than the way he was an hour ago.

This is not healthy behavior. What is he trying to escape from, how does he feel different when he has the liquid courage. These are really rhetorical questions; they are no longer your concern.

...and explained how I am not going to continue to live with him if this is going to be his attitude for the next 3 months.

I think that we all pretty much can forecast that this will be his behavior. Part of this may be that it gets him your attention. Remember than even negative attention is better than no attention. Completely ignoring his outrageous or childish behavior (180) may be your best tool for extinguishing, or at least minimizing, that behavior.

((allgoodnames))

eta:

I really wish you could get your H into AA.

But, of course, you cannot get him to do a thing he does not want to do. It is not like his drinking is a secret vice that only you know about allgood. You had your time at bat, and did your best. He is not willing to change his behaviors. Now your plate is full, and I really think you need to turn your focus to yourself and your children.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:27 AM, March 14th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that I shouldn't have called him last night at all. Having said that, do I get ANY points at all for waiting until 12:30 to call when I wanted to call at 11:30? Lol.

And, I really can't help it when I know he is doing something so self-destructive. This is my children's father. Had I not called, he would've driven home & it was a substantial drive, over a toll bridge, etc. and I'm glad I was at least able to convince him to stay put.

Getting him to AA. Not so much. The closest I think he ever got to believing he has a problem was when we were in MC and he basically said, "I don't want to say I have a problem, but when I start drinking, I can't stop."
Don't know why he couldn't connect the dots there. I had bigger fish to fry when he said that as this was all part of the infamous Xmas party session.

Also don't understand why he doesn't look at the guys he grew up with, all big drinkers, and how they have matured into family men that don't do this anymore. I think he just thinks of them as lame or controlled by their wives. I think he looks at them with pity and looks at his single, carefree friends from work with envy on some level because they can do all the partying he apparently wants to do.

O- and Ats - yes, I understand anger covers up the real emotion. For me, it's the pain/hurt, etc.
I like anger because it makes me feel strong and in control even tho I know neither is really the case. And, the adrenaline doesn't hurt either.
Plus, I spend like my entire work week getting paid to piss other people off, so its an emotion I can tap into at will.
Lol.
O, what a catch I will make someone!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polly: Welcome!

And - damn, I can relate to so much of what you posted:

I'm trying to get totally to the point where I accept that he is never going to be there, emotionally, for me. That he's capable of it, but not willing to face his own demons to do so.

I'm only a few miles ahead of you.

I'm one of those people who analyzes things to death, but I'm also extremely patient

This is me, just hold the patience.

His attitude has always been "I cheated, I was a piece of *hit, I'll never do it again, I hate what I did to you, let's live for today and be happy, I love you".

Yup, yup, yup.

But you lost me here:

I have truly never yelled at him, never called him names, never over reacted to anything...all in an effort to 'make it easier for him.

Anyway Polly. I always subscribed to the path of least regret. I didn't get my orange either, but he also did things that just made it worse, over and over again, beyond just failing to repair, he actually did things to break the little trust I had in him. And so, while I still love my H, I have to say goodbye to him.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

You will make a great catch for someone!

You are right about how your H views his old friends. I have been around several men who act like your H does. They think that the men who are mature family men are just PW. They view this type of man as just not "manly" To them if you can't stay out and party you are weak. Most of the "manly" men I have known are D. Many were happy to get the freedom to carry on the single life without the W watching over them. That happiness usually would fade though.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polly, welcome. I remember the orange thread. It was a good one.

I wrote more but honestly it was all just a jumbled mess. Too tired.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They think that the men who are mature family men are just PW

The exact phase he uses actually.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't want to say I have a problem, but when I start drinking, I can't stop."

This is the key. Your WH recognizes it. He IS an alcoholic. A CONTROLLED one right now, but he IS. I'm sorry.

It's not so much that he wants to be single per se, but he needs "Drinking buddies". That's the kind of drinker he is...a bar drinker. My father and xWH was like this. xWH didn't even keep beer in the house! Never drank in the house.

Hanging out with younger, single guys is because a lot of guys that are young do ten to drink and party until they "grow up".

It's the drinking buddies. He is hanging out with others who do the same things.

It took a long while after xWH left when I finally saw that not everyone lived the way we did. It is NOT normal for people to start drinking and staying out until 2 in the morning when they are married with kids. Sure, there are those who occassionally do this after a party or an rare occassions, but not consistently!!

You cannot control him. You cannot protect him. He has to hit rock bottom until he sees that he needs to change.

{{{{Allgood}}}}

I want to welcome Pollybuddy and address some other posts, but gotta run for now.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..the point where I accept that he is never going to be there, emotionally, for me. <snip> I don't want a D, I love him, ...

That just really seems sad to me.

atsenaotie: Yes, it's sad, but the longer it goes on, the less sad it seems, and the more "this is who he is" sinks in.

These may have been better questions for the poly. Such as; have you thought of OW during sex within the last 6 months. Again, I suspect the answer will be yes. Not that he is still in love with her (I do not know), but because I think sex becomes a memory trigger for many people for a long time.

Yes, I realized that AFTER, lol. At the time, he had denied it for 7 months, then changed his answer during the poly.

I also have the misfortune of a VAR recording from a year ago this month, which was almost a year after it ended, with him saying "I still miss her, I miss everything about her". He was talking to himself (he does that a lot) and I confronted him. He felt awful, but pretty sure it's because I heard it, not because he felt it. We talked a few times about it, he said I took it "out of context".

I do get what you're saying, that I'm trying to get rational answers from irrational behavior, I really really do. My issue is not so much the 'answers', it's that he knew, from the beginning, that all I wanted was to be able to 'talk about it'. He made it hard, not by being angry or anything, just by his reactions and statements like "I don't know why you think this is helping"...it's his unwillingness to do the one thing I told him I needed to do, which is talk about it.

I get that he's ashamed, I get that he feels guilty, I get that he would probably never do something like this again (I hope)...what I don't get is how he can go through every day, knowing that I want to talk, and doing nothing about it. It was bad enough when I WAS trying to bring it up and got met with him shutting down, but the fact that I know he knows that I have deliberately NOT brought anything up and is okay with that....just seems so cold.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
pollybuddy
♀ Member
Member # 20742
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you lost me here:

I have truly never yelled at him, never called him names, never over reacted to anything...all in an effort to 'make it easier for him.

Allgoodnames, was just trying to show what a good little patient wife I have been during this whole ordeal, trying to make the 'talking about it' easier, not attacking, controlling my tears, etc..

[quoteAnyway Polly. I always subscribed to the path of least regret. I didn't get my orange either, but he also did things that just made it worse, over and over again, beyond just failing to repair, he actually did things to break the little trust I had in him. And so, while I still love my H, I have to say goodbye to him

That sucks, and I'm so sorry. Luckily, my H has done no further damage, just failed to repair the initial damage.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 11/1989
One child, daughter, born 2/99
Affair: EA turned PA for 4 1/2 months.D Day 11/19/07 OW WAS employee/friend.
D Day 2, 4/30/09:OOPS turns out it never ended, I've been in false R for a year and a half.
Status:

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Aug 2008
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have very little time....

heard from my daughter...she actually got through to me yesterday and then she called me again today...i told her that she needed to check in daily...she moaned and groaned and was originally supposed to text me daily so she wouldn't have to waste time talking to me....well she calls me today @99cents a min....and we talked for over 17 min... and it was me who ended the phone call otherwise she would have just kept on talking...and telling me so much i know lots of dd's do not tell their mom's....so i am proud and happy today....and will be 18 dollars less


polly: welcome to our corner of si....i have to say i have not read your profile, nor the post about the oranges...but that paragraph you did include in your post...well i have to say i didn't get my orange either...the lemon he is....and so far can't make lemonade out of it either..


allgood: well looks like njgal is correct and mr nogood is an alcoholic...and right now he is choosing that life over his family....and allgood...you cannot save him...you might have been the little angel on his shoulder to prevent him from drinking and driving last nite...you will not be there in the future...i just pray he doesn't ever kill or mame anyone...cops also tend to think that they are above the law and will get away with it and can handle whatever comes their way....yup still gets the stupid award this week..

polly: from what you have posted it sounds as though you are settling being with this man....it also sounds like he says whatever he thinks you want to hear...he may not mean it, but he knows you want or need to hear it so he says it...if i may ask...why did he end his affair and choose to stay with the marriage...or what was the reason he gave you....

and love is not enough...i used to think it was and would be...of course that was before i knew my ws loved another as well...it might have been if i were the only one he loved...but i wasn't...and actively he talks the talk but does not walk the walk...and i get that same impression from mr polly...


nell: how are you doin today?

oops, times up, gotta go...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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