Fun: Our 1st MC said the same thing - that my H just doesn't get it. (No shit. This is the kind of diagnosing that makes me wonder what the point of any therapy is. Lol. Yes, I know he doesn't get it, now how do we fix that? Hmmmm?.... But, no.... the tough questions they leave up to us to figure out..... like that's been a successful strategy. Lol.)
My standards are so low that I actually thought it was good that you were included in the only 2 people he cares about.
Miracle - glad scrawny is ok. I have a scrawny boy too. You would think I starve him, meanwhile he eats like a horse. I told him to enjoy it while it lasts because if he eats like that as an adult he'll be too fat to leave his bed.
Honest: That sucks!!! Can you please, please please PLEASE at least set him up in a different room . (HIM, not YOU!!!) Please?
How am I doing? I've given myself a timeout from reality. Full denial. Sorta liking the fact that my H says he feels like shit and misses being with me. (Ok I like it a lot!) That soothes my ego. Still a bit awkward around the house, but we are just not here at the same times all that often. It's easy enough to busy myself with whatever and avoid him. Still find myself wishing it could be different.
Works been very busy this week. Next week I will revise the agreement and just get that done already.
Happy 1st Birthday Baby Paddy!!!
hopefully by the time i finish all the writing i will be the first posted after midnite..
THAT FUCKING SUCKS
so is there anything that can be done to change his mind????
and we need to get you good and hopped up mad before he does arrive....
re: pa...pfm is classic on this one...and also has those lovely foo issues...and i have not spoken to his ic, but i already know where he stands regarding "getting it", "feelings" among the charactiristic he sorely lacks....
today while in the recovery room, pfm commented to the nurse that scrawny boy is doing so well..."to be 15"...well the nurse says to him that she wouldn't want to go back there...and of course pfm replies..."me neither"..i looked at him and said, "you of all people should want to go back there"..he looks at me straight faced and says.."youre right, i would go back and not screw it up with you"...(in my head im thinkin ) uhhhhh...well, considering that you still screw up, still lie, still are for the most part the same person you were, and the parts that changes, with exception to the temper...well the changed parts are downrite creepy!!!"
and if i didn't say anything that was not your first thought the way it was mine....so, NO...your head is still on backwards.... ..but out loud i said nothing...i let it go...yay me...learning to detach and back away...learning to keep my thoughts when i can to myself....detachment 101...so far i am getting a c in the course...so i have improved over the f and then of course the d....so i am at least passing now...
fun: ok, all i can say i think is "there you go"....so its basically settle with the man the way he is now, or leave...
i am a bit surprised though...cause he has been opening up a bit more to you lately...i kind of thought that that tiny epiphany might have been on the horizon....no big one, but a tiny one...
allgood: i understand the liking hearing him say the things you need to hear...keep in mind that they are just words...and until he moves out he has until then to put more then words into his "feelings"...
keep on the 180 train...
njgal: did someone say we need a lta exorcism....name the time and place...i'm there!!!
uhhh, i am next in line for the bat, kkkkk...so its me after nell...
ukgirl: are you ok hon, its been quite a while since you have wielded a "fuctard" here...and there have been so so many opportunities!!!
Maybe I should open a sports store - basball bats & grilling gear.
WH coming home does suck big time. He is acting like all is ok.
I'm still trying to deal with the path of least regret, especially in terms of finances.
I'm beginning to hate him.
My older ds's are not going to be happy that I'm letting him back in the house.
Path of least regret for now, but it's killing me emotionally. Getting a job right now when they are laying off teachers left and right is not an easy thing to do. Sure I can get something paying minimum wage, but that is not going to be worth it in terms of leaving my kids alone. Minimum wage doesn't cover babysitting.
I'll keep looking.
Hugs to all.
Allgood, do whatever you need to do to keep sane.
Miracle, again I'm glad your DS is fine. Yay for you to keep detaching and not engaging with pfm. Don't even comment on his stupid comments. Don't bother. He is not even worth your anger right now. That's draining too much energy from you.
Someone once told me, "You can't analyze stupidity."
WH read some more of "Not 'Just Friends'" last night... good... though he said he did not want to talk about it and then asked (with only a hint of attitude), "Why do you want me to read this again?" My answer: Because you didn't finish it the first time, there is a lot of important information in there that you missed. "Oh." The end. He is showing me he loves me in his love languages (touch and some service).
I'm so excited to go back to my hometown for a week at the end of the month...
Happy birthday to baby Paddy, our little LTA niece. Have a lovely day and give the darling a big hug and
Is it really a whole year???
And, Happy Birthday Paddy!
Happy birthday baby paddy.
The day you left I suggested starting a office pool picking the day you would return. I got no response. I was going to pick the 17th. Missed by a day but I was closer than anyone else. I WIN!
Could you set up a army cot for him to sleep on? Outside? Have one of those porta-potty's placed next to it? Feed him Spam every meal?
I was wanting to be the batboy for Deep. I would carry the bats and boom box. He would need to have some Deep Purple music playing during batting practice! Smoke on the Water.
You wanted a grilling update. Yesterday was chicken legs, day before was meatloaf. Tonite is pizza!
Did the MC have no hope that your H can be helped by IC. It sounds like he has written your H off.
It is good to hear that scrawny boy is o.k. Many of us scrawny boys fill out at a later age. So there is hope for him. I was scrawny till about 25. Then I matured. My body matured. My mind?
Same for your scrawny one. It is nice to see that your H has those feelings of remorse. It is too bad he is so slow to learn.
Hugs to the tribe.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
So, I am praying the Liturgy of the Hours instead. Man -- that's a lot of prayers. Good thing there's an app for that.
Njgal -- voodoo dolls? Only kidding. Because if I was serious, I would have to go to confession again.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day to the tribe.
That would be great. Live music. Now I guess we can start a band. A revenge band! Now we need to make up a name for the band.
It will be corned beef pizza tonite. It should be easy to make. That would make a bizarre band name. "The Corned Beef Pizza Band."
Hugs to the tribe.
How do you know that he is telling you the truth now? He had so many opportunities to come clean and he didn't. He continued lying and continued seeing the OW.
Have you gone to IC? Has he?
Have you gone to MC? You say that you kept the LTA a secret from your daughter. Does anyone know about the LTA
6 months after D Day, a very good mutual friend was dying of cancer. We all spent about a week dealing with hospital, then hospice, then his death, so had a lot of contact with OW. Was BRUTAL for me, but I wanted to offer comfort to friend and family, and not make it about me. OW even rode to the funeral with us, got drunk and I held her hair while she puked....talk about the high road.
Anyway, the mutual friend was like a father figure to my H, and I knew he had told him after 1st d day, and friend told him he was an idiot. I found out, the very day we were going to there to have a final party before he died, the friend had known all along. I was crushed. Here was a guy I thought loved ME like a daughter, turned out he knew, talked to OW and H about it (giving him a little credit, he did tell them they were both fools), he's literally on his death bed, and I feel like confronting him. I didn't, but he did keep asking me to come sit with him, with H, and he was rambling about how great I am and that if my H didn't recognize it,he was a fool. I think it was his way of apologizing.
After D Day 1, I told only my best friend of over 25 years, she was shocked and very disappointed.
D Day 2, told friend/employee because I'd actually been having OW train her for a long time to lessen our dependence on OW. She too was shocked and disappointed, and was my rock and did damage control to keep it contained. She was also good friends with OW.
Also told best friend again. No one else until about 9 months after D Day 2, my father died. When I returned home from Boston, found out H had given a whole bunch of paperwork to another employee to file for me (I fell quite a bit behind what with A , D Day, father dying). In one of the boxes was the final letter I sent to OW after the funeral of mutual friend. She read just enough to know she should stop reading. When I realized what he'd given her, I called her and explained. She, too, was friend of OW and was pissed off.
A month later I told neighbor/friend, because she too was friends with OW, and had been talking about her all along, I got so tired of pretending and making up lies "Oh yes, I did talk to ow, they're all doing great" type of stuff. She was REALLY pissed.
Another month later, one of my sisters emailed me to tell me her H had cheated on her back in 2003 ,and that she had just discovered they were still meeting for coffee (yeah, right). I gave her LOTS of great advice, then confessed about H's affair. We still discuss it, she's been great.
I have 3 other sisters and 2 brothers and have not told them and don't plan to. H is the 'favorite' BIL, and I'd hate to think how they would feel after knowing, they're not quite as understanding as oldest sister, probably because they haven't been through it. They tell me all the time what a great husband H is. In fact, one of my nieces told us she wants to find a guy just like him.
Did the OW's husband find out about the LTA?
I was still emailing with OW for a few months after that, and I did ask her to apologize to him. She said he was pretty pissed I hadn't told him, but that he didn't blame me in any way. It's probably the biggest regret of my life, not telling him. He was a good friend to H and I, and I know the double betrayal was hard on him too.
Where is the OW now?
What has your husband done to make you feel safe? Is he transparent in all ways? His computer passwords? emails? cell phone records?
I don't think he's cheating, I don't think he would again after seeing what this has done. And if he did, well, I'll be devastated, but not destroyed.
Thanks so much for your post, I should have come to this part of SI a long time ago, lol.
when you arent in your work enviroment together and you have time where his a is not at the forefront of your brain...(yes i know that is probably almost never, but still) do you like him?..do you enjoy his company?
I was married for 6 years when I was young, met him about 5 months after my divorce, married him 4 months later. He was the complete and total opposite of my first H: first H was 15 years older than me, anti social, clean and control freak, and verbally abusive, etc.. My H is 9 months younger than me, and easy going. In fact, he yelled at me only ONE time in 18 years (well, now almost 22 years) and that was about 2 weeks before 1st D day and tensions were quite high. When 1st H would yell, I would cower, do what he wanted, or hide. When this H yelled at me, I told him if he EVER so much as raised his voice at me like that again, I would walk away and not look back.
and one more...if it weren't for your business, would you stay???
and i must tell you from reading your profile i amazed at the grace with which you carried and carry yourself....methinks you've gots lots of class...lots!!
Her reaction was enough to make me realize that I don't think I'll be finding forgiveness for her any time soon, way too defensive and angry. I know she's sorry she hurt me, but she's another 'don't dig too deep' kind of person. Which is why she and H got along so well: they are both emotionally broken people who had incredibly horrible childhoods and never dealt with them.
thanks for your thoughts
The problem was that the more I started to accept that, the more distant I was making myself from him, emotionally.
I want him to see for himself the damage he caused, I want him to WANT to repair it...not by cleaning the house, working harder, cooking dinners...I want to be free to express MY feelings and not be worried about how it affects HIM.
I actually broke my 'vow of silence' two nights ago and brought it up, and of course, we spent a good hour and a half talking about why we don't talk about it, why we shouldn't talk about it, why he doesn't like to talk about, why he can't talk about it, why it's worse to talk about it...that all from him.
From me "how's that been working so far?"
In fact, on d day 2, she had the misfortune to arrive at my house before he did. She pulled in, I went out to the steps,she was asking for help backing up the van with the trailer attached, I told her to "leave the freaking trailer and get her *ss in the house"..
She was acting all "Why? What's wrong? Did something happen?".
I was NOT at my best that day, crying since I'd heard the VAR. Kept asking her "WHY?????"
She was literally crouched down behind a recliner, staring at the ground, and mute. I told her she wanted him, she could have him and to get the *ell out of my house since she wouldn't even say a word.
We emailed for many months after that, me getting information, until I finally 'told her off' and ceased contact.
If you don't even know OW, don't know that I would even bother, especially since she doesn't sound sorry at all.
OW was sorry, I know she felt awful, she's not a monster..but yours sounds nuts.
and i never said it was dumb...what i did say was:
....i don't think sacrifing a place to help you heal and get whole is what god had in mind.....
i have written, deleted, written and deleted some more...i think m3 you are at a crossroads...and you are faced with picking and choosing a direction....choose m3 and choose whats best for your kids.....not what is easier, but what is best....
unfortunately the hard road is usually the right road...occasionally we get breaks and its easy...but for us going through this shit....the road will always be hard...the key is picking the road that is right for us, our healing and our children...not exclusive from one to the other....
it was VERY out of character for her.
i dont think she has shown you her true character...once you found out what she did this now wipes clean the slate of what you THOUGHT you knew about this woman...habits you may be able to predict...but a person's characters, moral, values, etc..that is all gone now...she changed that with her double betrayal...with a twist...because she was a friend and she was an employee screwing the boss and screwing the bosses wife with her actions....
OW was sorry, I know she felt awful, she's not a monster
she may be sorry, but not sorry enough the first time she got caught number one, nor can you assume just because she says something it is so...she may have regrets...that is not the same as remorse...
want him to see for himself the damage he caused, I want him to WANT to repair it...not by cleaning the house, working harder, cooking dinners
ahh, don't we all want this....what if he is not capable of fixing himself...what then...
and this biggest biggest stand out...
He went to 3 IC appointments. He's a big believer in 'healing yourself, looking on the positive side, banishing negative thoughts'
He went to 3 IC appointments. He's a big believer in 'healing yourself, looking on the positive side, banishing negative thoughts'
so he is in charlie sheens school of therapy now....how is it working for him....
sorry i know it comes off sarcastic....but when someone insists as your ws has done and charlie has done...it just screams out to me...and i dont think i can actually put into words what it screams...and its not pretty....
you cannot change what you do not acknowledge...he's got a whole lot of acknowledging yet to do....
gotta go....i have so much more to say, i think....so hopefully i will be back later and hopefully i will remember what else i wanted to say...
But.. I did want to suggest that IC may be a lot more helpful for you then you realize.
IC's do not have all the answers but what they can be is a good sounding board and someone that can help you focus on what is truly bothering you. My IC often was able to help me see things from different point of views. And.. it was good to have someone in my corner as well as someone who was an objective third party that could see the whole picture.
So, I do think that IC is very worthwhile.
MC is valuable in terms of having a third party to help as a referee. Help in terms of improving communication, helping to problem solve etc.
I actually confronted my husband about the LTA in an ICs office. I told him that I needed him to go with me but did not disclose why.
I knew that if I had confronted him with the email evidence at home he would have run out of the house and made it impossible to discuss anything.
So, I ambushed him in an IC's office and he had to sit there due to etiquette and not act out the way he would have if he were confronted in private.
So count me in as a big believer in IC, MC, support groups..you name it.
AA has saved my husband's life and has saved our marriage.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:12 PM, March 17th (Thursday)]