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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

I read the back and forth about whole truth with interest. Has it helped you to decide what to do?

I need to make him feel VERY safe and try again when the time is right.

Honest

Miracle has often said here that once you hear something, you cannot "unhear" it.

Yes. And this worries me. Some time ago I asked him about OW3 doing oral on him. He said "a few times". Then the other night he told me she did it EVERY time. This really upset me until he told me he didn't like it

So, I want to actually list questions I really want answers to. I want to be sure I want the answers. I just feel that if I knew more I would stop spending so much time imagining and worrying.

KWIM???

Hugs to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Re discussion about becoming a WS-

Ever since dday I have started to actually LOOK at other men - Checking out the market place in case we S or D.

The fact is that I look but can never see anyone who interests me. There is someone at work who I know would be available immediately -he is divorced, a WS whose W kicked him to the curb. He has been way too friendly for a long time. I think he sense my sich. BUT I'm just not interested. He's much more attractive than my FWH, has lots of money and I know he wants me. BUT I'm just not interested.

Does this mean I still really love my FWH and want R?

Maybe.

What I do know is that no matter what I would never be a WS. If I thought S or D was on the horizon I would look - but that's all

I would hate to have my infidelity end my marriage.

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:26 AM, March 24th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:

The fact is that I look but can never see anyone who interests me

No, they are there. You are just not seeing them cuz you have too much on your mind. Plus, you're not really putting yourself "out there" to find someone, kwim?

And, as for the man you described - I would think his status as a WS might also contribute to your opinion of him, but mostly, I think it's because things have been going so well between your H and yourself, that you are just not interested in leaving the relationship & that's great!

I just feel that if I knew more I would stop spending so much time imagining and worrying.

I definitely know what you mean, but I guess that would depend on the information you get too. Plus, you would then have to process all of that new info, see how that fits into the story you've already created without the missing pieces.

Example: one of the things my H had told me was that they only had sex in his/her car, they never went out on a date, to a hotel, etc. For months I knew nothing different, so I create in my head that she was clearly just his F-buddy then. It wasn't anything like a real relationship at all. She wasn't his gf. I create this story so I can somehow justify his actions and get thru the day. THen months later I find evidence that it's not true, he admits to them going out maybe 5x. I search more and see no, not the case at all.
It really set me back because her status as an F-buddy helped me for months, I relied upon it, and not it's untrue.

Really, really set me back and upset me.

Also, my feeling is that when your WS isn't really forthcoming with details, no matter how many other details we squeeze out of them, we will never get the feeling that they told us it "all".

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:00 AM, March 24th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3..
Don't play the "what if?" game with the past. It's not one you can win.
Your Right.

deepP... Go see that Dr. They are trained in the human mind. I did. This guy saved my M. He discussed different ways of looking at things. Timelines for heatlhy behavoirs, etc. He will recommend you to Doctor if you should have AD. For me, those drugs changed my brain. I could feel it going on them, and off. It is worth a shot if you are not feeling happy. Good luck.

Me, I think every relationship neeeds what I went throught this week. I am going to allow my sex life just to.. go with the flow. If my W says No. I am going to take it with graciousness and an return it with affirmations! I will continue to romance her in some way. I am sure she is doing all within her soul to make me happy.

DD2 Bday today.. she's 19. Where did the time go!

Peace out all.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lurking today.....I've got lots on my plate but sending hugs and thoughts out to the Tribe.

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, my feeling is that when your WS isn't really forthcoming with details, no matter how many other details we squeeze out of them, we will never get the feeling that they told us it "all".

Allgoodnamesgone, this is where I am, and suspect that I will always be. Going forward, I just have to accept that I understand in general what happened, and some of the details. Either this will be all I need to know, or it will be part of why we ultimately do not make it. Time will tell. At this point, I am mostly in a comfortable place with her A, I do not really want to know anymore. While I could have (and did) absorbed new information a year ago, I don't know if I could now.

I am sure she is doing all within her soul to make me happy.

trynhard, this is true for my FWW too; in fact it has been for a long time. My decision is to figure out what is enough without settling. She continues to improve, but it is a slow process. Is a M that has improved from dysfunctional enough? Where do I place the bar?

As for the discussion on going WS, I had the opportunity early in our M. Almost immediately after we M things went downhill for FWW, and I never understood why other than I sucked as a H and person (I now understand the dynamics and our issues). I was approached by a co-worker's wife who flirted and made suggestion, but when the opportunity came to "seal the deal", I could not. I realized I was about to cross and un-returnable line, and I backed away and never considered an A again. While FWW was in her A she would point out people at work or we knew where she said the women wanted me. She just wanted me to be doing the same as her to absolve her guilt, but I was not interested and really did not see the interest from the OP. Since dday I am wiser and more aware, and I see it. I even enjoy flirting some, but I could not cross the line. As some of you wise women have pointed out, an OP who would be interested in a PA with a MM is not the person I want a relationship with.

FWW is struggling. Last night she mentioned she wished she were seeing IC this week, not next week. This is not typical for her, she does not like going to IC. She is afraid of me. In her eyes, I control too much power over her happiness and self-image. When we have really good times she fears that means things will get bad again. The good times cannot be sustained, or recovered, in her experience. She tries to limit the happiness to prevent a crash to unhappy afterwards. Ironically, her withdrawing provokes the exact response she is trying to avoid. As FWW withdrawals, we lose our emotional connection. In the past I would pursue her or badger her with questions about what is wrong. Today, I realize it is her issue to resolve, and focus into the rest of my life. This furthers the downward spiral of feelings within her. She feels, old, inadequate, and sorry for me. I cannot make her see the view from my perspective; I just hope she can find the path to join me.

She is making tangible progress. Her older DD is graduating from school in May. I know that her DD does not want me to attend, she wants FWW only or FWW and our DSs. FWW and I are going together. Less than a year ago, FWW would have gone without me to appease her DD. She is making a stand to show I am now foremost in her life. She does not blame me for every problem and anger in her life. This is very refreshing and empowering for me, but leaves FWW to deal with responsibility for her own feelings. For all of our M and most of her life she has blamed others, so she is not experienced in self-soothing techniques. I can only guess at what it feels like to wake up from a life of sleep where most of my problems were actually, or in my perception, the fault of other people; and now to realize I have responsibility for how I feel and react. After a lifetime of believing other people make her happy or make her mad, she now has to deal with the realization she controls how she feels.

I am learning that some of FWWs behaviors and little idiosyncrasies that I thought were because I was the only person she did not like are in reality because I am the only person she cared about. She told me after dday that she had her As to save our relationship because she loved me. I thought that was one the most outrageous statements I had ever heard. I can now begin to see from her perspective in little bits, and have some understanding of this.

Wow, I have begun to ramble. I am very happy that she values me, and our relationship, enough to go through what she is to try to help us fix the relationship. I hope that when all is said and done, that I am who she wants, and that I am not the problem in her life. I fear that someday she will have a breakthrough in IC and realize that she does not love or want me, that our relationship is just another symptom of her issues.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:17 AM, March 24th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had written 2 posts that went *poof*.

I don't have time now to rewrite them, but just wanted to give hugs to all.
{{{{{strongish}}} hang in there.

Nofun, I hope you can enjoy your vacation. You deserve it.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg - that was the longest 2 days of my life.
Lol.
Glad to see SI is back.
Hope the rest of you survived and the withdrawal wasn't too bad.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im glad thats done with....i had heard that once upon a time before my time this site was down for a few weeks...i prayed that wasn't the case again....whew...

and yes allgood it was long, it was only for a day though....but it did feel like 2...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what did you do during the "great SI blackout of 2011?"

I got many things done that I had been putting off. Taxes & home repairs to name a few.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized I come and surf here every time I think about the A. And then I get caught up in reading -- I need to log on a little less often and try that rubber band trick Nell mentioned, LOL.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - I do the same thing. Hard not to when you work in front of a computer all day.

Dip:

So what did you do during the "great SI blackout of 2011?"

Let's see - I continued to try to log on 10 million times, expecting a different result every time.
I played video games. I am AWESOME at Call of Duty Black Ops.
Unfortunately, my house still looks like a bomb went off.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I do not play video games anymore, but I know they are more fun than house work. They are also addicting, sorta like SI.

m3.

I tell myself I am only going to check out SI for a few minutes. Then I too get caught up, can't get away. I'm not doing the rubberband thing though. That hurts!

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends, my friends, how I have missed you! But I'm too damn busy to do anything other then pop in to give you all long-lost-friend hugs and then *poof*

I hope that I will be back before I go on vacation tomorrow for a week. If I am unable to return before then, know that I am thinking of you. And comtemplating taking a day off when I get back to catch up.

XO-Nell

P.S. The other day, a man described himself as "one of the tribe" and must have been startled at my reaction, because he then rushed to explain what it meant. (Jewish)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a good weekend peeps. My IL's are here and I don't want to risk getting "caught" on SI.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: enjoy your vaca hon...and i hope you didn't poof anything these inquiring minds would have like to have seen and just *poof*ed yourself so to speak...


m3: your inlaws do not know about your ws????

off to eat then to the wake...


(((tribe)))

oh and i nell when you heard that mans reference to the "tribe"....my life in every aspect has been now tainted by si language...never will i see so many initials the same way again...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay....I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one that was going through SI withdrawal! I'd like to be able to say that instead I spent the time doing something constructive, but unless on-line mah jong is considered constructive then I'm out.

Soooo, had an IC session yesterday then a MC session this morning. I'm pretty much wiped out. Both were good but in different ways. My IC and I determined that I've been moving towards a different "phase" of my recovery. I'm not as tearful and the feelings of panic are fewer and farther between. It seems to me that I'm coming out of the shock of learning the truth about my M and FWH and frankly it doesn't look any better in the cold light of day than it did when I was a blubbering mess. I'm beginning to look at my sich with more intellect instead of all emotion. I believe major decisions should be made with the head and the heart but up until recently it's been all heart. It's time to start considering the "head" part now. On that note, I told FWH at MC this morning that I truly have no desire to be with him. I'm not really angry so much as disappointed in him and how he was, and is, living his life. He's coming to accept some things and I really believe that he is learning to open himself up more emotionally....BUT....I told him that I can't just freeze my emotions in place while he decides to work on himself. I don't want to feel sad all the time....I don't want to feel angry or full of rage any more. And while I've accepted in the past that his job(s) has kept him physicially not available to me, this crisis has shown me that he is not emotionally available for me either. I have had to heal myself these past few months and I cannot allow myself to depend on him for help in healing. He may be able to, or he may not....but it hurts too much to be disappointed over and over again and so, I choose to depend on myself alone.


I'm not gonna lie....I was a sobbing mess. The MC asked if I would keep coming to MC a little while longer and I told her that I would. I later told FWH that I would not make any decisions about S/D until June and after our DD22's graduation but that the week after that would be a good time for him to move out if that's what we/I decide. Yep, I put the date into the discussion. I drove home in tears and called my BFF who is going through the same thing. She was great and was able to let me vent and cry.

BTW - the IC told me yesterday that while there is more infidelity in the world than we would assume, the actual number of situations involving LTAs is a much smaller percentage and therefore I/we belong to a much smaller group of people dealing with it. Yay us!! We should all buy lottery tickets!!

I'm feeling guilty that I have to be the one to make this decision. FWH has already said that he will not, so that leaves me holding the bag. So be it. I am taking the path of least regret but oh, this hurts so much. I never, ever, ever thought I would be D. And from what I see out there I'm not holding my breath that I could meet someone else. Pretty depressing, huh??

Okay, I'm gonna drown my sorrows in chocolate chip ice cream and pinot gris from the Oregon Willamette Valley. Just one glass I promise!!

(((Tribe)))

[This message edited by strongish at 4:52 PM, March 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Strongish}}}}}}

I wish I could fly down there and give you IRL hug and share some pinot gris with you. I really admire you that you could make this decision. I think it will bring you some peace. In addition, the decision is not written in stone, so if WH finally takes his head out of his ass, there could be some hope for him.

I'm so sorry for your sorrow, Strongish.

As for me, I spent my SI blackout taking WH to the ER because his blood pressure was very high. He hasn't been feeling well since he's been home, and I swear it wasn't me!!

I missed you all so very much!!


{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Honest. Hey, remember voodoo dolls?? Do you think Mr. Dishonest's high BP could be because I was squeezing the legs and body of the Mr. Dishonest voodoo doll and pushing all the stuffing into his head?? Just a thought.

I'm watching "Shark Tank" and I think I may be on to a new business idea here. The Tribe makes voodoo dolls in the likeness of your WS! Any artists out there?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, March 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does drawing devil horns and blacking out teeth on photos count as "art"?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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