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User
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Topic: "After the Affair" question
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clueless joe
♂ Member
Member # 25593 |  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011 |     |
Had our first session with a new MC last week. She wanted some background on our situation, and I told her that my recovery has been stalled by WW's lack of empathy. While she now finally admits to the ONS with EA that followed, and the two other situations where she lied about her whereabouts and with-whoabouts, she has never shown any will to understand how this has affected me.
The MC quickly told her to read this book, that it may give her some insight into what I have been going through and the real pain of betrayal.
I write this with a bit of caution, as WW is a bit of a narcissist. The idea divorce makes her shake because of what it will do to HER image. She very well may read the book, but also may just absorb what she wants to and avoid what hits her in the face.
Any feedback on your experiences with the book would be appreciated.
Thanks,
joe
Posts: 96 | Registered: Sep 2009 |
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410 | | Posted: 4:22 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011 |  |
That's the book our MC recommended. I threw it in the trash because I felt it blamed the BS for the WS straying. I flatly refused to read it all the way through.
A better books for her would be "Not Just Friends" since it takes a different approach.
Me: BW, 39.......Him: FWH, 39
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: due 11/30/12
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
Posts: 7246 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC |
Ms_Strong
♀ Member
Member # 30883 | | Posted: 5:16 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011 | |
I looked at this book on Amazon and decided not to get it because it places responsibility away from the WS.
My FWH and I have been reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and we both are getting a lot out of it. He doesn't feel he is being blamed so he sympathises with me, and the book has helped me understand why he had an A and how our M led to an A.
Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs
Posts: 241 | Registered: Jan 2011 |
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726 | | Posted: 10:16 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011 | |
We've been sort of reading this book and I also find that it blames the BS, at the same time as it says the BS isn't to blame. We haven't brought it out in quite a while actually.
I think it's recommended by counselors because it's one of the few books that deals with reconciliation rather than separation after an affair.
Him: fWH and SA, 42
Me: BS, 46
March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2
3 kids: 22y, 20y, 17.5y
Working hard on R
Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB |
lost43
♀ Member
Member # 30828 | | Posted: 6:09 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011 | |
I read the book and actually liked it, but I suggest only having your ws read the first chapter its the bs response to the affair and I think it would open their eyes a little as to how we feel.
ME-BS 34
Jackass 32
Married 4.5 years
2 wonderful kids 12 and 3
been together off and on for 13 years.
I know my heart will never be the same..but I"m telling myself I'll be ok..Even on my weakest days..I get a little bit stronger-Sara
Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2011 |
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902 | | Posted: 11:40 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011 | |
After the Affair was the first book I read after Dday and I never got that it was blaming me. I really got a lot out of it, but my narcissistic H avoided it...but then early on he avoided EVERYTHING....
me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....
Posts: 1353 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado |
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902 | | Posted: 1:26 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011 | |
I read both Not "Just Friends" and "After the Affair". I thought that "After the Affair" did a decent job of describing the BS's pain; however, overall the book Not "Just Friends" was a far better book and covered more ground.
If you're planning on reconciliation, then I highly recommend you both reading Not "Just Friends".
Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 28 years
Happily Reconciled
Posts: 5035 | Registered: Aug 2007 |
need2moveon
♂ Member
Member # 31551 | | Posted: 1:39 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011 | |
Started After the Affair, and like others had said, I couldn't finish it because it seemed to focus too much on what I did to cause this to happen. That could just be because I was so upset at the time, but I have no desire to ever pick it up again.....I threw it in the trash actually. Am currently reading "Not Just Friends" which seems better.
Dday: 06/97
Why am I back here? You'd have to read my story to understand.....
Reconciled for 13 years....
Posts: 177 | Registered: Mar 2011 |
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507 | | Posted: 4:39 PM, April 17th (Sunday), 2011 | |
We started "After the Affair" and threw it out - neither of us could relate to it.
We are now reading "Not Just Friends" and the intro and chapter 1 so far only, but so far it's describing our story and making sense to both of us. Far better than quite a few other books we've seen...
Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile. Looking into divorce.
Posts: 556 | Registered: Mar 2011 |
klynn
♀ Member
Member # 31825 | | Posted: 1:02 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011 | |
I am also a fan of "Not Just Friends"...
I have read "After the Affair"...I will have to go back as I did not pick up the blaming on the BS.
I through "When Good People Have Affairs" in the trash immediately as it recommends that the WS NEVER EVER tell the BS of their actions!!! Really????
Klynn
Me: BW (36)
Him: WH (37)
Married 10 years Together 13 years
2 children 8, 5
D-Day 11.29.10
Trying to R
Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Michigan |
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386 | | Posted: 2:41 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011 | |
IMO, After the Affair blames the BS.
I read just a bit of it, and it landed in the garbage as well.
Not Just Friends is the best by far.
Posts: 6991 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast |
Textbook Case
♀ Member
Member # 24977 | | Posted: 8:46 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011 | |
I also vote for Not Just Friends. I don't remember much about After the Affair except that I read a few chapters and ripped it to shreds.
BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...
Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009 |
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841 | | Posted: 11:38 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011 | |
I also didn't really like this book - mostly because it called the AP the 'lover' and it just pissed me off to read that over and over and over again. I thought that gave the AP higher importance than they deserved and made it seem like the BS was just the boring old jerk you did chores with.
But I did like parts of Chapter 6 about Restoring Trust - with the info about the Low Cost and High Cost Behaviors. Creating a similar chart really helped FWH and I as we started R.
Still Not Just Friends was a way better book imho.
Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Posts: 454 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea |
ohsolost
♀ Member
Member # 10330 | | Posted: 9:27 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011 | |
I read 'After the Affair' after DDay ! and didn't feel like I was being blamed. It actually validated what I was going through...I think it would have been a good tool for my xWH to read it so that he could understand my pain because he never got it...
BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)
Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho |
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196 | | Posted: 1:24 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011 | |
Oh God! I picked it up in the bookstore (ha, I just accidentally typed I 'licked it up'!) briefly flipped though it and in a matter of minutes realized it blamed the BS!
Tell the MC to burn that rag!
"Not Just Friend's" is the book she should be recommending.
me BS female 54/him WS 57
Married 32 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land"
Episode # 1
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/12278468/playgoz
Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South |
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352 | | Posted: 2:50 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011 | |
Like others, I felt like After the Affair put some of the blame on the BS.
Liked Not Just Friends better. More relatable.
BW 43, SAWH 44(sorry1)
M23 yrs
DD 22,15,12 DS 20, 17
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2
Posts: 1090 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania |
greyfox
♀ New Member
Member # 32070 | | Posted: 2:33 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011 | |
We just started reading "After the Affair" together. Only in the first chapter. But after reading these posts, I ordered "Not Just Friends" from Amazon. But it won't be here for a few days. I'm almost nervous to keep reading ATA, but it has had some good insight so far for my husband to understand where I am at. Looking forward to reading the new book though.
Me/BS:43
FWH:42
Married:19 years
Children: G18/B13
Dday April 29th 2008
Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2011 |
East of Eden
♀ Member
Member # 31763 | | Posted: 9:38 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011 | |
I bought Surviving Infidelity and my MC gave me After the Affair with the caveat that I shouldn't take ALL it said to heart. I'm still working on Surviving Infidelity and haven't opened the other.
BW- Me (35) WH- Him (35)
DD-4 DS-2
D-day #1 3/13/2011
D-day #2 5/2/2011
D-day #3 6/10/2011
Status: REALLY pissed off....
Posts: 281 | Registered: Apr 2011 |
stucknunhappy
♀ Member
Member # 30440 | | Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011 | |
I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!
me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens
Posts: 73 | Registered: Dec 2010 |
stucknunhappy
♀ Member
Member # 30440 | | Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011 | |
I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!
me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens
Posts: 73 | Registered: Dec 2010 |
| Topic Posts: 34 | |
