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The Book Club Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "After the Affair" question
clueless joe
♂ Member
Member # 25593
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had our first session with a new MC last week. She wanted some background on our situation, and I told her that my recovery has been stalled by WW's lack of empathy. While she now finally admits to the ONS with EA that followed, and the two other situations where she lied about her whereabouts and with-whoabouts, she has never shown any will to understand how this has affected me.

The MC quickly told her to read this book, that it may give her some insight into what I have been going through and the real pain of betrayal.

I write this with a bit of caution, as WW is a bit of a narcissist. The idea divorce makes her shake because of what it will do to HER image. She very well may read the book, but also may just absorb what she wants to and avoid what hits her in the face.

Any feedback on your experiences with the book would be appreciated.

Thanks,
joe


Posts: 96 | Registered: Sep 2009
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the book our MC recommended. I threw it in the trash because I felt it blamed the BS for the WS straying. I flatly refused to read it all the way through.

A better books for her would be "Not Just Friends" since it takes a different approach.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Ms_Strong
♀ Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked at this book on Amazon and decided not to get it because it places responsibility away from the WS.
My FWH and I have been reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass and we both are getting a lot out of it. He doesn't feel he is being blamed so he sympathises with me, and the book has helped me understand why he had an A and how our M led to an A.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
BedHead
♀ Member
Member # 29726
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been sort of reading this book and I also find that it blames the BS, at the same time as it says the BS isn't to blame. We haven't brought it out in quite a while actually.

I think it's recommended by counselors because it's one of the few books that deals with reconciliation rather than separation after an affair.


March 13, 2010: D Day #1
Nov 6, 2010: D Day #2

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Edmonton AB
lost43
♀ Member
Member # 30828
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the book and actually liked it, but I suggest only having your ws read the first chapter its the bs response to the affair and I think it would open their eyes a little as to how we feel.


ME-BS 34
Jackass 32
Married 4.5 years
2 wonderful kids 12 and 3
been together off and on for 13 years.
I know my heart will never be the same..but I"m telling myself I'll be ok..Even on my weakest days..I get a little bit stronger-Sara

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2011
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, March 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After the Affair was the first book I read after Dday and I never got that it was blaming me. I really got a lot out of it, but my narcissistic H avoided it...but then early on he avoided EVERYTHING....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read both Not "Just Friends" and "After the Affair". I thought that "After the Affair" did a decent job of describing the BS's pain; however, overall the book Not "Just Friends" was a far better book and covered more ground.

If you're planning on reconciliation, then I highly recommend you both reading Not "Just Friends".


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
need2moveon
♂ Member
Member # 31551
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Started After the Affair, and like others had said, I couldn't finish it because it seemed to focus too much on what I did to cause this to happen. That could just be because I was so upset at the time, but I have no desire to ever pick it up again.....I threw it in the trash actually. Am currently reading "Not Just Friends" which seems better.


Dday: 06/97

Why am I back here? You'd have to read my story to understand.....

Reconciled for 13 years....


Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2011
bestbecameworst
♀ Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, April 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We started "After the Affair" and threw it out - neither of us could relate to it.

We are now reading "Not Just Friends" and the intro and chapter 1 so far only, but so far it's describing our story and making sense to both of us. Far better than quite a few other books we've seen...


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
klynn
♀ Member
Member # 31825
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a fan of "Not Just Friends"...

I have read "After the Affair"...I will have to go back as I did not pick up the blaming on the BS.

I through "When Good People Have Affairs" in the trash immediately as it recommends that the WS NEVER EVER tell the BS of their actions!!! Really????


Klynn
Me: BW (36)
Him: WH (37)
Married 10 years Together 13 years
2 children 8, 5
D-Day 11.29.10
Trying to R

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Michigan
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, After the Affair blames the BS.

I read just a bit of it, and it landed in the garbage as well.

Not Just Friends is the best by far.


Posts: 7604 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Textbook Case
♀ Member
Member # 24977
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also vote for Not Just Friends. I don't remember much about After the Affair except that I read a few chapters and ripped it to shreds.


BW- me
FWH- 5-year EA/PA plus really poor boundaries with coworkers
Married 30 years (college sweethearts)
Reconciling...

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Jul 2009
Thera77
♀ Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also didn't really like this book - mostly because it called the AP the 'lover' and it just pissed me off to read that over and over and over again. I thought that gave the AP higher importance than they deserved and made it seem like the BS was just the boring old jerk you did chores with.

But I did like parts of Chapter 6 about Restoring Trust - with the info about the Low Cost and High Cost Behaviors. Creating a similar chart really helped FWH and I as we started R.

Still Not Just Friends was a way better book imho.


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
ohsolost
♀ Member
Member # 10330
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read 'After the Affair' after DDay ! and didn't feel like I was being blamed. It actually validated what I was going through...I think it would have been a good tool for my xWH to read it so that he could understand my pain because he never got it...


BS-me 41 WH-him 45
Married 20 yrs, together 22 yrs
3 beautiful kids 16, 13, 9
DDay 4/5/06
DDay#2 12/3/07(OW#2)
Filed D 6/1/09
D final 11/3/09
9/10/11 Dating and enjoying life
4/7/12 Been with Fireman 7 months and going strong :~)

Posts: 2861 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Idaho
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God! I picked it up in the bookstore (ha, I just accidentally typed I 'licked it up'!) briefly flipped though it and in a matter of minutes realized it blamed the BS!

Tell the MC to burn that rag!

"Not Just Friend's" is the book she should be recommending.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others, I felt like After the Affair put some of the blame on the BS.

Liked Not Just Friends better. More relatable.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
greyfox
♀ New Member
Member # 32070
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just started reading "After the Affair" together. Only in the first chapter. But after reading these posts, I ordered "Not Just Friends" from Amazon. But it won't be here for a few days. I'm almost nervous to keep reading ATA, but it has had some good insight so far for my husband to understand where I am at. Looking forward to reading the new book though.


Me/BS:43
FWH:42
Married:19 years
Children: G18/B13
Dday April 29th 2008

Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2011
East of Eden
♀ Member
Member # 31763
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 7th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought Surviving Infidelity and my MC gave me After the Affair with the caveat that I shouldn't take ALL it said to heart. I'm still working on Surviving Infidelity and haven't opened the other.


BW- Me (35) WH- Him (35)
DD-4 DS-2
D-day #1 3/13/2011
D-day #2 5/2/2011
D-day #3 6/10/2011
Status: REALLY pissed off....

Posts: 281 | Registered: Apr 2011
stucknunhappy
♀ Member
Member # 30440
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!


me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2010
stucknunhappy
♀ Member
Member # 30440
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this book and did not feel as if it were blaming bs..however some parts of this book are Very aggrivating as they really let you know how ws is feeling and their way of thinking at the time of A. just be sure your ready to hear both sides when you read this book!


me bs - him wh - dd 9/29/09 my birthday- 8 year ea - tt to 11/6/09 -married 18 years - boy twins & girl twins all teens

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2010
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