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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Exclaimation  Posted: 7:37 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.

~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

7

ETA: Whew! Snagged the first post to put up the list of resources! I think that will be great moving forward.

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 7:38 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your clarification 7.

I do often feel like I am stuck in the same house to protect my kids from the possible exposure to porn but I am not trying to control WH's use of it.

I actually asked the IC/MC if I really should be password protecting WH's computer since WH asked me to. I didn't/don't like having that responsibility. The IC/MC said I should do so since I was asked.

I don't care if WH is looking at porn. I mean I care, but I am not willing to constantly monitor someone who isn't making progress and I am not attempting to 'stop' him from doing it.

If he wants to spend his free time looking at porn and masterbating or be out having unprotected with multiple OW then fine, but if I can help it at all, I don't want my boys to see it or know what he's doing.

He could at least lock the door and make sure the kids don't get exposed to it. Oh, and not do it in my son's room regardless of whether we are home or not. Now I've had to tell DS that I must put a password on his computer and that I'm not going to give it to him. I can't put DS at risk to have WH ask him for his password.


I definitely feel like I need to be protecting the kids from possibly seeing any porn. That is where me feeling like I have to be in the home comes in. I am seriously afraid that if I am not in the same home that my kids may be exposed to porn or other things. At least if I'm here, he tries and hide it. If we are in different homes then WH will not try as hard to hide it and then he may get sloppier and my boys may see the porn.

In the end, WH can look at porn as much as he likes as long as the kids don't see it.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone, please read ALL of page 50 of the last thread (I'm going to print it out) and keep the "thread" going here. The timing was terrible for the last thread to fill up.

I'm off to feed my family and get my little monkey in bed but I will be back and I will address the latest posts from page 50 of the last thread and the new posts here so we don't lose our momentum!

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
chocobcm
♀ Member
Member # 30156
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you guys for keeping this thread alive. I told my IC today that this thread is my temporary substitute for s-anon meetings.


Me: 24 BS
Him: 25 WS Multiple OEA/Multiple Phone relationships.

M: 6yrs

D-day 11/14/10 (found 5 years worth of emails/chats etc.)


Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: NY
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Helpless  Posted: 11:47 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ brokenk:

Now when he says I am beautiful I can't help but think he is lying, why not? He said it to all of them and he tells me he was lying to them. Why not lie to me?

My SAWH said ILY to his partners & my emotional response was/is the same as yours. For me, now my SAWH has to show me he loves me by his actions and his words- because what he said & did completely destroyed my belief that he loves me. You are not alone. I have a feeling many SA's say this.

How do you get past this kind of mistrust and begin to see the beauty in yourself again?

Repeat this mantra daily or more often as necessary: It isn't about me; it isn't about me. It never was about us- it will always be about them & it has always been about them. You are beautiful, loving, special. You are also traumatized by the one person you believed would never do this to you. Remember- it's always the SA & his issues. Always.

How do you get back to feeling like that special one when your world has been shattered to reveil you never were that special to him to begin with?

I'm learning that my feelings of specialness must come from me. That I must learn to nurture myself. I can't give away that much emotional power to my SA again because he will misuse it. If an SA works a program well & does the hard work he will show you with authentic words and actions that he does treasure you & value you. Until and unless that happens those feelings must come from us.

nyone else here or been here and can help?

Yes, I am/have been there. I'm around SI a lot, although most often up on general & jfo. PM me if you need to chat.

How can the thought of that turn him on to the point he can cum?

An SA uses sex to suppress all of his emotions. Sex for an SA is not an act of love or bonding or even just simply physical relief; it's about hiding & suppressing his feelings. As the illness progresses the behaviors escalate, in other words it takes more & more & more to suppress the SA's feelings. For many, eventually they can't orgasm without very specific stimuli.

He claims all the great things I said about him he knew weren't true because of what he was doing so my words didn't make him feel good.

My CSAT says this goes back to the SA's deep shame core- their conviction that nothing about them is loveable & no one would truly, honestly love them anyway. My SA has said similar things to me. I know that my SA must learn to fill the holes in his soul himself, but I'm so sad when he says these things. Except I can't continually try & fill a bucket with huge holes in it.

Does any of this make sense?

Yes, you make complete sense. You aren't crazy.

then the rage comes out

This too is normal. For me, the rage covers pain & is, for now, easier & safer for me to express.

Hugs hugs & more hugs brokenk. Come & post often, someone will always be around to listen. PM anyone on the SA Spouses thread, I daresay any one would be happy to lend an ear.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad 7 that you got the resources on page one!!!! I always refer newbies to your comprehensive list.

STO, you did a good job of breaking things down for brokenk.

I just want to say to all those struggling with their WH not being interested in them sexually, that I was there with you for years. Nothing hurts worse than knowing that you are there and available and your WH doesn't want you. Or worse yet, that he is acting out in ways that are repulsive to you. Makes you wonder, "Am I that defective?" My H and I are still struggling with the intimacy part, 15 months into his recovery. In fact, I am going to see his CSAT tomorrow alone to discuss our issues. Old patterns are hard to break.

I realize that part of our problem is that I still need to grow, too. As a child, I was taught that I was not allowed to have needs. That breeds resentment. I have never felt like I was allowed to have needs as a married adult, either. When our children are little, we always feel like they come first, at least I did. I did not take care of myself physically or emotionally, and I am beginning to see the importance of all of this. I have started to change. I want a marriage in which I can have sexual needs and express them. We do a pretty job at communicating most of the time, but we are not on the same page yet with physical intimacy. That is frustrating to me, because I have all those resentments from having lived in a sexless marriage for at least the last 10 years. Before the last D-day, I had actively considered having an affair, just to prove to myself that I was still an attractive, sexual being. Wrong, I know, but the hurts run deep.

LIS,

I also wanted to let you know that you are right to be concerned about you WH's behavior. He is so passive aggressive! Masturbating in your son's room was a way of retaliating towards you for not patting him on the back and letting him sleep with you after his "90 days of sobriety". Personally, I highly doubt he had 90 days. I think he is still the same old Space Ranger, not really in recovery. Sorry.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have been lurking for awhile and have finally joined this club I really don't want to be a part of.

D-day was 10/25/10, and included a rage fest by my WS which ended in me leaving the house with my daughter. He is now out of the house, I have sole custody of my daughter, and am beginning my new life. The recent D-day was not the first with regards to his porn, but the outburst coupled with news of sexual abuse in his childhood, and the fact that he put my daughter and I's lives at risk with his sexual acting out have made the proverbial "line in the sand" quite clear.

He admits to being "compulsive" sexually but has a hard time with the addict label.

I have begun detatching, but find myself struggling emotionally. I have gotten some of the books, go to weekly counseling, and have an amazing support group.

I guess I just wanted to check in and say hi.

This just sux.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
chocobcm
♀ Member
Member # 30156
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now when he says I am beautiful I can't help but think he is lying, why not? He said it to all of them and he tells me he was lying to them. Why not lie to me?

I have this stupid hangup now with the word honey. For some reason that was his label of choice for all his "girls." Now if he tries to call me that ever, I hit the roof.

nyone else here or been here and can help?

According to my IC, the best thing I could do for myself would be to join an S-anon support group. I have no idea why I am being so stubborn about not going. (Probably has something to do with the fact that I have loads to deal with right now.) Perhaps you should find such a group. It is supposed to be the best place for learning to completely detach yourself and your worthiness from your partner's SA.


Me: 24 BS
Him: 25 WS Multiple OEA/Multiple Phone relationships.

M: 6yrs

D-day 11/14/10 (found 5 years worth of emails/chats etc.)


Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: NY
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a child, I was taught that I was not allowed to have needs. That breeds resentment. I have never felt like I was allowed to have needs as a married adult, either. When our children are little, we always feel like they come first, at least I did. I did not take care of myself physically or emotionally, and I am beginning to see the importance of all of this. I have started to change.

This is me too. I've been working on this since last June. I feel in my heart like I'm not making progress although I know in my head that I have been. For me I struggle daily to keep the focus on my growth.


the best thing I could do for myself would be to join an S-anon support group.

I find S-Anon helpful because the group reminds me to keep focused on myself & my issue & my growth. Ii go at least once a week & my fellow group members help keep me on the straight & narrow path.


Update on me/us:

My SAWH told me last Monday night that he's no longer a recovering alcoholic (back in Dec. he told me he isn't an SA either). Of course, I don't believe him & am trying my best to forget/ignore what he said. He goes to IC but not a CSAT or SA meetings. I'm keeping tabs on him for my own protection. Last night I bought myself a new cell phone. When I got home SAWH told me he wanted to keep my old one in the car (a 2007 Focus w/ no problems at all) because he doesn't have a cell phone & he wants one "for emergencies". Cell phones were his primary mode of arranging his acting out episodes. He hasn't had a cell phone since last September (the old phones were shut off due to his nonpayment).

My problem is I want to turn the old one in to be recycled. He wants it kept in the glovebox "for emergencies". I don't want to be codependant about this, but I'm triggering badly & can't decide where the line is. As I said above, he isn't in recovery at all. Obviously, he has had the opportunity to buy a cheap cell to act out with but as far as I know he hasn't done so. I'm scared & triggered & undecided.

Anyone have any input? Share some clarity? Hugs? Please??

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Sabina}}}

I wish I had any words of advice, but I can give hugs.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need your help guys. Why is my SAWH doing so much for me? He left a stuffed bunny in my car this morning. When I texted him about it he said I caught it for you and remember to feed it.

He is not living with me and the kids right now. He comes to wash the dishes. Last nite I came from work and he made dinner and then left yelling upstairs to me saying goodbye by my pet name.

We are currently in mediation about visitation. He calls me, texts me. Is at the house eating when me and the kids are about to have dinner. He sent a stuffed animal, 4 ballons and another balloon that said I love with a heart shaped box of chocolates to my work on Valentines day. He delivered them himself!

What is he doing?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monitoring a SA spouse who is not in recovery to protect yourself and your children is not codependent. It's self care.

Monitoring a SA spouse with the intent to try to control his acting out is codependent.

Doing anything in the hopes that you can manipulate the SA or his behavior is codependent.

Thanks for this 7. I'm constantly looking at myself to try and distinguish the two situations.

Has anyone had any experience with intervention? PM responses are fine, if needed.

Thanks.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits

Mine does what you're WH is doing right now. It's part of WH's abuse cycle. I'm not saying that is why yours is doing those things, it's just my experience with Ranger. Perhaps your H is trying to get you to let him back into the home?


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - Ranger is doing the same? You think he is manipulating me? My IC said maybe he is thinking if he waits long enough I will forget. He has not asked to come back in the house.

I have asked him to get a MC so that I can give him a safe place to tell me what he did, if not, I am divorcing him. I can't take the lies and am pretty sure he is still sexting OW.

None of the books talk about the SA doing deeds for the BS.

To all, many hugs to you. It has been over a year for me and I am exhausted now. It has been so much easier to detach since he is out of the house since December. I can really be me again. The kids and I are at peace even if the whole house is in therapy.

Still don't know what he's doing?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
lost_in_space
♀ Member
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits

Ranger is doing the same? You think he is manipulating me? My IC said maybe he is thinking if he waits long enough I will forget. He has not asked to come back in the house.

I have no idea if your H is doing the same. Mine is ABUSIVE in many ways. I haven't read your profile or followed all your posts but just your questioning leads me to believe your H isn't besides the SA stuff.

Have you asked him why he's doing all those things?


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post here...

some history:

WH was shown how to masterbate at the age of 12 by a boy. WH has been secretly doing this all his life (I found out DDay #3). WH says it goes in spells... says he's tried to stop/control it, but cannot.

WH has been secretly viewing porn for many years. I found out 4 days ago when I found some that he missed erasing in the history on the computer. WH says his viewing goes in spells.

WH has had poor boundaries in our marriage, with them really getting worse the last few years.

WH got hooked on fb, in turn playing farmville, which led to sexting "with the female farmer next door" who was a serial cheater from our church/Sunday school class (OW#1).

WH became "friends" with a hs classmate. When I begged him to stop communicating with her, he set up a secret e-mail account, which led to sexting and eventually a full blown affair.

WH says he feels disconnected from me (that hurt when he said that this week in MC) and has felt that way for a while.

WH says he can't put himself in my shoes, doesn't see why all of this is so devastating for me.

Called it all just a stumbling block.

WH said he was evaluated tonight by IC (same counselor as our MC) for SA. WH told me that IC said he "only shows signs of occasional addiction".

Is there such a thing? I'd think if you're a SA, you're a SA. Kind of like black is black and white is white. When I suggested this to WH, he get defensive and made a comment "that now I think I'm smarter than a professional". I told him that I wonder if we should see a different counselor for our IC (the MC we're seeing is also both of our IC). He is not a CSAT, but according to his website is a counselor that has a special interest in relationships affected by porn and infidelity.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should find someone different for my IC, WH go to a CSAT, and maybe keep the MC (you know, he knows our story, we've been with him for a while and the thought of starting over is exhausting)

I could really use some support, words of advice. I really don't know what to do anymore...


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, March 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And of course I got swamped and couldn't get online.

I'm too tired to reply throughly tonight.

I'll be back tomorrow.

7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi momoffive,

Sorry to see you join us.

I think you are right in wishing your WH to be evaluated by a CSAT. CSAT's are the only ones who can effectively diagnose and treat SA. My H went to a few different IC's in the last 10 years before he entered recovery, and even though he knew and could verbalize that he was a SA, they were not equipped to help him. A CSAT is vital. I cannot say enough good things about my H's.

I did post to him on the Wayward side, and encouraged him to consider and evaluation, even if just to give you peace of mind. For now, learn what you can about SA. 7's excellent list of resources is a good place to start.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! How many topics can a forum page cover! When I was a child, my mum and sister used to talk so much and so quickly that by the time I found a space to add to the conversation, they were 5 topics ahead of me.. This forum is beginning to feel a bit like that. I'm sorry everyone is having such a hard time.

I wanted to reply to brokenk who wrote on pg 50 about gaining affirmation of her beauty. This is only my experience but it might help. I've never really connected with myself - I've always got my feel-good factor from food and have always done nice things for everyone else, rather than myself. Well, I've started being very selfish - which is hard on my SA because he's trying quite hard and I've almost closed myself off from him. But it feels so peaceful and, when I look in the mirror, I almost find myself attractive! Specifically, I'm having acupuncture for my sugar cravings, I'm not pushing myself at the gym - I do what I feel like -, I treat myself to a coffee and cake at a cafe 1-2x/wk, I'm doing yoga 2x/wk and generally, I'm giving myself more time. I'm also not wasting time thinking about my SA and running around doing the things that he is perfectly able to do for himself. I don't know how this translates to me finding myself more attractive - maybe because I'm actually giving myself some TLC - but I'm only about a month in and it's working!


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