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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Tal, Dazed, Bent:
Well guess what. We went to MC yesterday. She just met him in person and he started getting angry when I started to talk about his online accts., what I knew of his affair. Mind you he has not come clean and is in denial about even being sexually compulsive!

The MC confronted and said I see no remorse. He got up and said then I guess we're done. He said all these allegations against me. He even recently lied about a change of address form.
I asked him, to R our Marriage would you go to a regular phone and get rid of your blackberry. He said no, he would not get rid of the blackberry. The MC asked why. He said I have given up so much already. He doesn't have a Facebook acct.

I gave him a hug later afterwards. He said you don't have to ask to give me a hug.

If you were me, what would you do? I look at him and I still love him so much. My kids tell me...I miss daddy. I want to see him every night.

Terrible! I filed for D but we can always have him move back in and continue MC. He said he would be willing to continue counseling and do hard work.

I need your help. You guys are out there with the same guy needing external validation and lies.
He is a good man underneath this addiction. Does everything for me.

What would you do?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still trying to comprehend the guy living in my house who emails & calls his sponsor everyday & seems to LIKE going to meetings.
He's not isolating. He's helping around the house (cheerfully ) talking about thinks he learned in meetings & how they apply to him.

I'm not hearing selfk-pity, resentments, justifications, minimizations, blame-shifting or any of that other crap.

In fact, I've heard several apologies for having done some of that stuff in the first place.

I never thought I'd see this--NEVER!

I hope I'm not getting unrealistic expectations here. It's just....so weird.

Tal, I could've written this word for word. It's so weird when they finally get it. I could also have written your second post. I told my SAWH that it's hard for me to tell him he's a great man right now considering what he has put me through. He understands. I did however make a point to correct him the other day when he said he was a horrible human being, I said "You say you are? Are you still? Maybe you were, you are not now but you were." That really seemed to help him.

I try to reinforce with compliments when he is being sincere and I truly note a change. I don't do it immediately, I wait for a few days to make sure it's real but then I tell him "I have noticed..."

My SAWH doesn't want false compliments any how, since that's what he saw all my compliments previously as because of what he was doing. So this seems to help. I only compliment him on the things I see now and really try to focus on the present and the future as much as possible.


On a side note, I though tit was odd at MC that our MC didn't like the idea of setting consequences. She felt that SAWH should enforce his own consequences. That if he messes up he should make the choice to sleep in the guest room. It shouldn't be preset thing because then it's like I am parenting him. What do you guys think?


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, broken:
Did your SAWH tell you everything about the affair or whatever? How long did it take?

As far as the consequence, I read in one of my books that the SAWH needs to adhere to the consequence but not to come with the consequence. As part of our boundaries telling him what we will/will not do and what they did wrong and then having him follow thru with the consequence.

Like an earlier post, I am not going to cuddle with you tonite.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe at this point that yes my SAWH has come clean with everything. Only the most recent slip was brought to my attention without it being dragged out of him or proof given to him to get him to confess. So a time frame? Well from Dday 1 to now that's about 1 year and 4 months. I have read that for many SA's they cannot come completely clean until after they have fully recovered. Only then can they see what they did as a foreign person and seperate themselves adn their self worth from their actions and truly tell you the full extent of their addiciton. Some do confess it all before this but for many this is the only time it all comes out. Before that point they are too ashamed of who they are to be honest with you.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I know all of the pertinant details. He knew I had screenshots of his activity from the computer & had viewed phone bills etc. There wasn't much point in lying after knowing I knew so much anyway.

What was truly scary though, is how much he lied to himself. The justifications & rationalizations were deeply embedded. The fact that he can twist things around in his head like that is one of the things that scare me most about the future.

Here's a for-instance: Regarding signing up for dating sites--he initially said they were no big deal--just looking--never had any correspondance with anyone. I never saw any indication that he had corresponded with or met up with anyone--and he's not the casual sex type--so I think he told me the truth about that.

It's the "no big deal" part that he didn't get honest about. So--I said, "fine, let's go up & down the street & ask every married couple what their reaction would be to their spouse signing up for cheater/dating sites. Leet's ask all the married people we know if they would find that appropriate or acceptable."

I think it was only then that it dawned on him that I wasn't just being oversensitive and unreasonable

Yes, he is cutting through the denial NOW by doing worl in recovery. He describes that stuff now as "addict brain" thinking.

Maybe he will be less likely to cheat again than someone who's never had to work on themselves & own their own crap. I don't know...I just don't know.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted for awhile. I don't know really what to say. I am keeping myself safe and working on my self care and my future plans (when I can work on it a bit at a time). I feel much better than I have in the past. I did some EMDR work last week that helped me so much, and my CSAT suggested "90 meetings in 90 days" to me, so I've been to lots of new Al-anon meetingsand S-Anon, and the old ones, too.

WS on the other hand is convinced he Is Not A Sex Addict. He refuses to talk about it. I know I can't make him, and so I go about planning for my financial safety, etc. Our MC has helped me with the trauma (and did the EMDR sessions), and helps us to communicate with each other. I see a CSAT and WS has seen one that he likes. Not sure why he is continuing to see her, since he Is Not A Sex Addict. Maybe he thinks if he keeps seeing her, I will meet her and she can tell me that he Is Not A Sex Addict. Then she can proceed to Fix Me!

It's either laugh or cry and these days I choose laughing.

Ok, question.....how long can a sex addict white knuckle it? He's white knuckling abstaining from the alcohol. He's not drinking around me, but he's not working on his issues that led to the drinking. When he's not with me, he drinks just as bad as ever, drives, and lies about it.

We were in MC today and I got angry about him getting close to blaming me for all the cheating he's done. I am not going to "go there" and pretend that if I was just a better wife, and more in tune with his "needs" that he would not have done these things. Since he can't discuss addiction because he Is Not A Sex Addict, I didn't use that word. I did say, "there wasn't anything to stop you from your gutter activities for five years, nor was there anything to stop you in January of this year, so what should I think there is to stop you now?" I asked where the "governor" is for that crap. He mentioned the SA, and I said I never said that word, as I don't care if it's addiction, or that you are a jerk, or that you think that level of activity is ok. I just need to know what is different NOW so I could think there's something in place to stop the activity in the future. I just have to be safe.


Posts: 1050 | Registered: Aug 2010
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Sad  Posted: 2:25 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH said to the MC that he has been tested and he's not one. He lies, but is so damn nice to me. Does things for me. Is he manipulating me? He says he wants to R.

I just don't know if I want to go thru years of his lies, etc. He is not in recovery. This week I get to say D or R.

I just don't know what to do. You guys seem to have waited it out, but still don't trust him. Would I be better of D and just finding someone else.

I am financially independent, I just don't want my kids to go thru this and I hate sharing them with him. Plus, his family believes he didn't do anything. How do you guys deal with that year after year, facing them when you know the truth?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented and Torn2bits-Uh, yeh. I am getting the "I'm not an addict"
thing too.

I so admire your strength to be able to share a roof!

***I really need help with this one, though. He says he is more comfortable with the word Sociopath than addict...who says that? Mind you, this is a man who thought a panic attack meant he needed to go straight to a cardioligist. He has troubles with drinking and drugs, too. But, I am not a shrink- I have no idea. I did, however, let him know that if that is how he feels, I need to take steps to protect our daughter. Until he gets a professional diagnosis, he needs to stay away from her. I do not want to take her away from him unnecessarily, but also don't want to risk her well-being. Our babes are much too precious!

Not to bog things down, but I have a hair up my a&*. I have e-mails of him soliciting a you know what off of myredbook, and have half a mind to drop a copy of it at our local Police Station. I just got this yesterday, and could not own my motives to save my life. I probably need to take a breath, but would appreciate guidence. I may ask this in General as well, but think you ladies here have such a great handle on things.

2*4's welcome.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he would be willing to continue counseling and do hard work.

Hey Torn2Bits,

Just wanted to reply real quick. I am WAY too new at all this to even have an opinion as to what you should do. I can only repeat what I hear so often around here....You cannot trust words. It is all about Actions (yep, I meant to capitalize that )
Between his actions and your gut, I bet there is the answer.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits:

I am so sorry you are hurting so much.. I would have to agree, he doesn't "get it". I wish I could tell you "do this and he will do this" but it's all so complicated. My H is finally "getting it" but I still can't help but wonder sometimes if I was a lunatic to wait it out until he did. It was over 4 years from the first time I said "I think you are a SA" until he actually admitted it and started getting help. That is a seriously long time to wait, so I'm not sure I would advise anyone it's the "right" thing to do. My H is also a good man under the addiction and that does make it all the more complicated.

The bottom line though, if he is telling you that his blackberry is more important to him than M, I don't think he's giving you any options.

My SAWH said to the MC that he has been tested and he's not one.

So who is it that tested him and told him he wasn't an SA? Is that his perception of something an IC said or is he making that up?

(((torn)))


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much! You know it took all my guts to file for D. I think I am showing my codependency when I doubt what he is doing. When I think of all that he has done: throwing canned goods at my head, calling the police on me, telling me and the kids to get out gosh now I think my self respect is gone. How other women can leave at the very knowledge of the A and I am still sitting here when he has done so much. I guess I am afraid. I didn't want to be D. My children. We were so happy just 3 years ago, the ideal family.

My WH said that his IC gave him a test and he was not a SA. He also said his IC was not his sponsor, but is an addiction specialist and 12-step coordinator. Coincidence, I say no.

Ya know, don't take this the wrong way guys, but I was reading lots of your profiles and saying why are they with these men? Well, look at me!!!! I guess I am in love with who he used to be and had hopes for him changing.

Your right, if he can't get rid of the BB, what does that say to me. :( He is probably still messaging her that's why he can't get rid of it.

bent: my WH was slapping my teen daughters butt at one point and that was sickening to me. I am noone to give advice but I would say get that to the police and get on with life. Me too!!!!!!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Rippedtoshreds
♂ Member
Member # 17955
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just poking my head in and saying hello. Can't type much now but this is a thread I wished I had followed years ago.


Me: BS
Her: SAWW 30 Men/ 80 encounters / 7 years
Kids: 9 yrs
Married 11 Years
Round 1:
DD1- 1/8/08
DD2 - 2/8/08
Reconciled
Polygraph - Best $200 ever spent

Round 2:
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover


Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Middle america
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Cool  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning everyone. Welcome to the newbies. I've been snowed under, so to speak, with relatives visiting & then the phone cables came down up the road & we were without internet & phone for a week. The phone provider restrung it all & family finally left, so I'm back now.

If you've been following my story you know that my SAWH removed me from our joint account this past January. On Sunday March 13th I set my boundary: add me to his account by Friday the 18th or I would begin sleeping separately again. He fussed and tried to imply I was the one who dragged my feet getting myself onto the account- lol!!! I replied calmly and didn't allow him to change the subject but didn't get upset either. Fast forward to Tuesday (15th). He takes our DD to the bank early & comes home & tells me some b*^^$%#t story that the bank has to let his direct deposit go through before they add me to the account. I told him I'd never ever heard of such a thing & maybe he should call their 1-800 # to verify what he was told. He harumphs at me, but I made sure not to remind him of my deadline & stayed calm & unruffled. At 4:30 that afternoon we walked into the bank and I was added back onto the account. Such drama! And such crap he thought I'd believe. So I'm back on the account now. Yay. It's not a victory really, because as far as I'm concerned I'm his wife, we share a household & I need to be joint on his account for the household to run properly.

He is showing his family's manipulative and controlling behaviors much more strongly now. I've never seen these types of behaviors from him before. I don't appreciate it and I don't like this part of him at all. If this is a permanent change, I doubt I'll stay no matter what other changes he makes. His father is mean, vindictive, selfish, manipulative and cunning. My SAWH hasn't shown any of these traits until the SA popped up in the last few years, but now they're getting worse. And I don't plan to do what his mother has done- played the martyr and became a doormat. I'm a very different person & I don't like him much at all.I'm continuing my self care routines & becoming stronger and more confident & making definitive plans to secure my financial and employment future.

So that's my news.

@ torn2bits-

We can't make decisions for you. IMO, your WH shows you his behaviors and attitudes and feelings. What are you willing to live with? I've followed some of your story, I think his behaviors will escalate- and not in your favor. I don't believe you & your children are physically safe. It's very worrying to me. Make the hard decisions & be the responsible adult. Your children look to you as an example of how to live, what do you want them to learn? If your child was living in a similar situation, what would you want them to do?

None of the living situations we live in are easy to resolve. None of us wanted to be here. Every time I come to SI I want magic pixie dust to sprinkle onto my laptop to make every member's life easier for just one day.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I stay? Well first of all, I do believe that my husband is a good guy with a bad problem. Yes, the isolation, porn and the seeking validation/attention fom other women have been destructive to our marraige, but he doesn't mistreat me in other ways.


He lost both of his jobs two years ago and is making about 1/4 of what he used to. I was laid off shortly after that and haven't been able to find a job. Financially, we are approaching rock bottom. If I were financially independant or even had a steady job--I might feel that I had more options available, but that's not the case.

I also factor in that my husband doesn't appear to be acting out now--is in recovery, and is working his butt off to try to help us stay afloat financially.

More than anything, I find his addiction and tendancy to be self-desctructive to be very, very sad. I just wish I hadn't have had to pay some of the consequences for his actions.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Frustrated  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why are they with these men?

I'm here because I believe that I have the right to heal & to grow while he provides for us, I need to polish up my job skills & start a job hunt. Our youngest DS is 15. I don't particularly like the man my SAWH is showing me, much less love him; by waiting I'm giving him a chance to grow too. A marriage takes 2 as they are now, not as I wish him to be, not who might become in the future- as he is now. I don't know that I want to remain married to him for the long term. I've got 1 foot out the door.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, Sabina:
I hear what you are saying and sincerely appreciate all your kind words.

He not only lies about everything, he lies about throwing the canned goods at my head. Some days he is calm while others he can blow up.

My kids know who to go to when they need something they wait til I get home at 5:15 everyday for help with homework even though he is there with them after school.

My Lawyer says, I don't know why you stay with this guy?

The MC wants to tape our conversation this Friday to help. I am just heartbroken and say if he doesn't come clean, what's the point.

Sabina, three cheers on getting a win!

Well,...I go to my IC tonite. I will let you know what I decide. I pray for strength for us all! In my heart I know this is not really living.

Hugs, torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Input please!

SAWH went to his first counseling session today. He is seeing someone trained through module 2 of Patrick Carnes 4 module SA workshop. I saw pics of him with Patrick Carnes that made me feel confident he would be the one.

This guy does an "intensive" 5 session counseling period. He wants me to attend as well. The first couple of visits are digging deep into our childhood. The third is an extra long session where he tells us what he discovered about us. I am assuming the last sessions are follow-ups. He knows WH is a SA. Does this sound appropriate? He didn't mention a 12 step group today, maybe he will at session 3? He mentioned that if I am not still screaming and yelling 6 mos. post dday that I healed too quickly. WH thinks I am just that strong, I think I am relieved we found the problem and WH wants help. WH thinks he has Wombtwin Survivor Syndrome because his twin died early in pregnancy. Supposedly the earlier the twin dies, the worse the trauma. The counselor thinks this could be WH's "trauma" that lead to SA. I am not sure I believe in Wombtwin Survivor Syndrome.

So what do you guys think? Go for the 5 sessions and hope we benefit from it or find someone else now?

I feel like pulling my hair out!


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He mentioned that if I am not still screaming and yelling 6 mos. post dday that I healed too quickly.

We're 5 months out and I'm no longer yelling or screaming. I think part of my brain, once realizing that SA was involved (and finding out what it entailed) has detached from the situation for now. I read that successful reconciliation couldn't truly happen until your SA was sober for a good while, so for me, that means that I'll deal with anger when it comes, but I can't live in it as it would be completely counter productive.

I'm by no means healed from the trauma of the A or the revelations of the SA and what it entails. More, I'd say, it's made me buckle down and realize that it's going to be a long haul and it ain't for sissies. Maybe when he's processed through more of his stuff and can relate to more of my emotional stuff, then the anger can be worked through more effectively.

For now, buckle your seat belts and prepare for the ride.

Just my 2 cents


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I was kicked in the face, repeatedly, for the last 12 plus hours.

Long story short - H's LTA has been over for coming up on 5 years soon, if he's telling the truth. But it seems he never believed in the fog, he has been sure this whole time that they were in luuuuvvvvv. He still believes that. When he told me he had grown to the point where he could see that it wasn't actually love and that it was the fog he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He has been carrying a torch for her all these years. He admits to reminiscing about her fondly maybe every other week. Well - we all know if a SA will admit to every other week, every other day is more likely.

I'm not sure if I can deal with this on top of all the SA crap. I guess they really were soulmate shmoopies.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dazdandconfuzed))

How did all this stuff come out?


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

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