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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
copingwithdoubts
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Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dazed))) If they really were soulmate schmoopies, wouldn't they have found a way to be together legitimately? He is just missing his drug of choice, not her. It is so easy to lump them together, since she personifies his acting out.

I face similar feelings about the coworker my SA acted out with. In reality, they just feel better about themselves and their behavior if they focus on someone that they were fond of professionally, romanticizing someone who not only tolerated their cheating and lying, but participated in it.

Do not let him wax on about her to you, it would have been the next willing participant if she had been unreceptive to his advances. He needs to get real about this.

At the same time my SA was involved in his "luuuv affair", he was acting out with others online. I often wonder if she knew about this. Tarnishes the "luuuv" theory a bit.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
torn2bits
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Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Optimistic: I believe that anyone with the Patrick Carnes training is great! My IC and the other MC we had said Carnes is the expert. Wish we had that near us.

Dazed- I think that coping is right. Your SAWH is still in fantasy. Its not like we as humans can ever get rid of fantasy in our lives. She had no faults in his eyes. There were no kids, bills or laundry in that world they were in. His World of feeling good and no responsibilty.

Oh yeah, they were in luuvvvv. Come back from Disneyland. Ya know everyone falls in luvvv there too!!!!

I see they are addicted to the escape from reality, what that person represented for them. The attention, no strings. I told my SAWH, marriage isn't cheap and easy like what you had. Its harder to be with us because they can't do or say what they want to us like the OW. She said everything they wanted to hear.
It could have been any one who accepts a cheater and lier.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OptimisticMe

This guy does an "intensive" 5 session counseling period. He wants me to attend as well. The first couple of visits are digging deep into our childhood. The third is an extra long session where he tells us what he discovered about us. I am assuming the last sessions are follow-ups. He knows WH is a SA. Does this sound appropriate? He didn't mention a 12 step group today,

To me, it doesn't sound appropriate. My husband saw a CSAT for about 18 months. Most of those months, he had two appointments. My husband worked through Patrick Carnes's "A Gentle Path through the 12 steps" book with my husband. The CSAT also suggested my husband go to a 12 step group 6 times.

I would be leery that your CSAT seems to be mostly talk therapy, rather than CBT therapy. Your husband needs to learn tips and techniques to stop his behavior. IMVHO, you telling your husband's CSAT about your childhood isn't going to give your husband to tools he needs when has an urge to act out.

FWIW, sometimes there is no trauma that leads to SA. My husband had a pretty good life growing up as a kid. His parents were/are fairly emotionally cold, but not dysfunctional. I think my husband sort of happened on to his acting out as part of being a young teen exploring sexuality.

One thing that I've learned in our journey is that it IS possible to fall outside the norms for the "typical" addict. That doesn't negate whether or not the person is the addict, it just means the patient needs to be treated accordingly.

As for the not screaming and yelling at 6 months out. We all go through the process of dealing with this at our own rates. I was newly pregnant at d-day. My husband was sober for a year before the anger really hit. I was focused on other things.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
torn2bits
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Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well MC last nite had me torn apart emotionally. She is good! She was trying to calm him down so that he will open up. He basically was trying to find things about me that were negative to say.

For those who are instilling consequences, guess what. She asked him well what do you miss about "torn". He said I miss holding you!!!! So yep that is a good consequence. He has a lot of anger toward me. he doesn't want anyone to know what is going on. I think this is why he wants to R.

We agreed for a few more sessions under the "working toward R" idea. She said next time we will see what R looks like.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel particularly isolated by my situation. Especially so since the relationship ended, he was not a spouse and since there are no COSA groups in my state and no CSAT's either.

That being said, I just don't feel like I fit in. Here or anywhere.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
copingwithdoubts
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Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nouveau)))

I think you are understandably feeling down right now. Please know that we all feel your pain. SA is so so damn disorienting ... feelings are all over the board at any given moment. Just living, let alone attempting to R with an addict, sucks up so much of one's emotion and energy! You have as much right to be here as any of us and you are certainly welcome to comment on anything I post here or elsewhere.

You can use us to help get through your transition back to normalcy. Use us as a sounding board, and be a role model for us if/when we decide to remove the SA from our lives. You have made a giant leap toward emotional health and a normal life ... please do not give up our support and succomb to your depression! Please do not isolate yourself from the one group who can identify with the emotional torment you have been dealing with! We need each other for support!




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau, your a sister as far as I am concerned! It's going to take me a long, long time to heal from the effects of SA--whether I'm with my spouse or not. If there were no COSA here, I'd go to Alanon or Naranon. If no CSAT--a good counselor of any kind would be better than nothing at all.

You still have us too. I agree that you sound really down. When I'm really down, I have to fight my tendency to isolate. Remember--HE isn't the focus--healing from the way you have been affected by his addiction is.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you coping and Tal. This sucks to have to do another "long time." I'm not that young, and I wonder how many "long times" I have left. Life is too short to have to be spending it AGAIN patching up the damage yet another worthless bastard has caused.

I was seeing a wonderful IT, but is leaving! He has hooked me up with someone else whom he says is also experienced with this issue.

The isolation is horrible. It just seems that everyone around me is blissfully happy and has a wonderful life... Or it just seems that way from my vantage point.

Pornboy is still in my house (in-house separation). Temporary condition until I can sell my house and afford to move on. He has the spare bedroom. We are two ships passing in the night. No more. He appears to me as only an empty shell of a person I used to know. He's like a zombie. There never really was anyone inside there for me, I just couldn't see it. He was such a talented actor.

Why does the world have to be full of so many fucked-up people with no consciences? Why don't they just find people like themselves who are also devoid of a conscience to have relationships with ... and leave us good, decent, honest people alone??? Do they actually get a thrill out of destroying another person's life?

They're predators.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning ladies. I'm still here, although I have been licking my wounds a bit. Here are some emails between me and H's CSAT to show where things are:

From me/h to CSAT:

CSAT,

I lied in yesterday's session. I had been trying to present the image for the longest time that while I felt like I loved OW at the time of the affair, I know now that it was not love I was feeling. The lie is that I am not so sure that I know that at all. BW and I had a big blow-out last night because I let the truth slip out, and then spent the next couple hours backtracking when I saw how much it hurt BW, and kept saying that I felt that I loved her back then, but know now that I did not. This was the lie. I also should not have painted BW as the psycho bad guy when I said that I just gave up and told her that I loved OW after she would not let it go. That was very wrong of me.

Not sure what you can say about any of this, but your comments are welcome. BW is CC'ed on this email. Please feel free to "reply all". Thank you.


CSAT,

This is SAWH's wife, BW. I hope this doesn't come across as "he said/she said", but I wanted to share my perspective on what happened. I'm hoping getting "both sides" so to speak might shed some additional light on what happened. The evening started out with SAWH sharing some of what happened in your session. I became more visibily upset as he continued to discuss how "I don't know, maybe I loved her". The reason was he has told me years ago that he had realized it wasn't ever really love, more of an obsession. It was quite a shock to me to learn that he still feels that whatever went on during those 2 years was "love" and I was very hurt. As he realized how hurt I was, the "gaslighting" started - like in that old movie "Gas Light" he was trying to convince me *I* was confused and/or crazy. Unfortunately this is a common occurance here. We argued round and round about the difference between the past tense and the present tense - "I MEANT to say I didn't know in the past but I know now". The problem with that was only a few minutes would go by and he would switch to the present tense again - "I don't know, maybe I did love her".

This went on for hours before he finally admitted to the truth - that as of today he still feels what happened between the two of them was love. After much discussion he also told me how he approached the topic with you in the session - like *I* was the one who wouldn't give up the idea that they had been in love but he never believed it was true. He said that to you because he wanted to discuss it but didn't want to admit how he feels/felt about her.

After more discussion he has admitted to thinking of the "good times" with her maybe every other week or so. As I'm sure your experience with addicts has shown, I very seriously doubt this is true. If he admits to that on the first go round, I'm sure it is more likely to be several times a week. I think this might become a crucial turning point in whether or not we stay married as I am having a hard time reconcilling staying married to a man who spends that much time reminiscing fondly of his mistress almost 5 years later. After much discussion, he admits to knowingly still carrying a torch for this woman and I'm seriously not sure I can handle that.

So that is the "she said". Thank you very much for your time.

That was the first email between myself and the CSAT. Here was his reply:

I wanted to comment on the last email from you guys. I believe that SAWH's experiencing a great deal of confusion about loving OW. It was obviously sexual, I think it probably was obsessional, I think SAWH "had" to say that he loved her to keep the sex coming but was there a significant (as I say to SAWH) connection above the neck.... I just don't feel it.


Do we sometimes "pine" for old partners; I think that can be pretty normal. I just don't get the sense that SAWH has taken it to another level. For example, I don't think that SAWH has tried to re-connect with her or made plans to take off with her; steps that I think would speak more concretely to "loving" her.

I sadly think my SAWH has snowed another therapist. He has made TONS of progress with this one and discussed things he NEVER would have in the past (if he is telling me the truth at all about his sessions) but he is still holding on to needing to be seen as the "good guy".

Here was my response:

I respectfully have to disagree with you. I don't believe SAWH has any real confusion, I think he just wants you to believe he does. I believe he has a very firmly anchored "need" for it to have been "love". I will give you that it may be subconscious, but it is there. I also believe there wasn't anything "above the neck". SAWH and I have discussed it numerous times and he looks me in the eye and agrees with me. Yet it always comes back to the "but" that he described from your session. "Yes BUT why did I get jealous, etc." My belief is that he "needs" it to have been "real". If it was "real", all the fallout wasn't his fault. If it was real for him, it was real for her and she couldn't possibly have been using him as much as he was using her. He desperately wants to know that SHE really loved HIM.

I do think it is possible to pine for a former partner. However I feel that 5 years is an excessive period of time for a married man who claims to want nothing more than to fix his marriage. We've had many more rounds of half truths, lies, omissions and I think even some actual revelations in the past 24 hours. He told me he has sexual fantasies about her and misses her almost daily - maybe 6 days a week. Then he told me that he didn't mean it, he just said that to hurt me and it is more like 3 days a week. Which statement is actually true? Maybe neither. Whatever the true frequency, to me after 5 years that rings loudly of obsession.

To boil it down, my conscern is that he is getting an affair/sex addict "high" or "fix" from the fantasies and reminiscing. As much progress as he has made up to this point, I don't feel that he is willing to give this particular "fix" up. I don't believe it is fear that I will leave him, as he said it is, but fear that I would make him face the obsession and get past it. He enjoys it too much. That is why he has hidden it from me for so long. You aren't the first, second or even third therapist he didn't share any of this with, I think because he's afraid a therapist might make him take it out and examine it. We spent at least 6 months in marriage counseling a few years ago and have been going again for months this go 'round and he's never brought it up. This only came out because he made a little slip of the tongue that I caught. The fact that he'd protect this dark secret for all this time leads me to believe he is only serious about recovery if he doesn't have to give her up.

To say that I am at my wits end would be an understatement.

I haven't gotten a response to that least message yet. I just feel so beaten up right now.

I KNOW NONE OF THIS WAS "LOVE". I know this is a manifestation of the SA. I just don't know if that helps me at all when the H is clinging to it. He so desparately wants to believe it, I think he is making it "real" for himself. Does it matter if it's the addiction talking if he refuses to give it up? And to think he was been reliving the A in his mind for all these years. It just compounds the betrayal.

After the last dday, when I found out about his latest OW and all the SA stuff, I was doing really well. It didn't hit me that hard at all, and I was starting to wonder if living with an SA for so long had just killed any emotions I might have had. Turns out I was wrong. I am back to a place very similar to the origional dday. Not sleeping. Going back and forth between not eating and binge eating. Crying myself to sleep.

I so hate this. For myself and for all of us.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Helpless  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone please stop me! I went pain mining Friday and Saturday. Nothing productive, really. I've really been struggling emotionally this last month or so. I'm really having trouble sticking with the one day at a time principle. In learning to undo some of the damage from childhood FOO traumas, I've been more emotionally open (not with SAWH, unless it's anger) and allowing myself to feel this last year.

So what's the problem? I'm struggling to maintain the brick wall I need between myself and SAWH. The split between healing myself and maintaining detachment from him is completely necessary, but becomes harder and harder as I slowly and steadily grow healthier and stronger.

One of my newfound behaviors is reaching out when I need support. So here I am, reaching out. Please help me 'build my wall'. Help me maintain my new, healthier behaviors and not backslide into codependancy. God, being a healthy is hard. Maybe I've been pain mining to help me maintain detachment? To remind myself that there are valid reasons for detachment?

Crossposting on the 180 train thread in General for more support.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau: you are not alone in how you are feeling. I'm currently staying in my marraige, but part of the reasons are what you mentioned. I don't feel like I want to go out and start all over again at 50. It's hard enough right now financially as it is without trying to go it alone.

I know exactly what you mean about everyone else looking so happy. We have no idea what is really going on in other people's private lives. Just look at all the troubles on SI alone!

Sabrina: I use the term "pain shopping". I've been noticing that I do it, and build up my anger level too--as a defense mechanism. It helps me to stay more detached & feel less vulnerable.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
brokenk
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Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dazdandconfuzed
I feel for you! I too would be concerned 5 year out andhe's still obsessing. I think it is a way to keep the addiction alive. He has to face this head on and really look at flushing this obsession out. It's not healthy and ultimately could lead him right back down the same path. Hold strong with the IC and see what can come out of this.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau,

in trying to make "90 meetings in 90 days", per my CSAT's recommendation, I attend a lot of Al-anon meetings. There just aren't that many S-Anon meetings. My WS is an alcoholic, but since we talk about ourselves in Al-anon, it doesn't really matter. I am mostly there due to his SA. At many meetings, there are people talking about all sorts of addictions around them. I really get so much out of the meetings. I'm very happy my therapist suggested I go so often.

Dazd,

that sounds so frustrating. I know how you feel. I hope the counselor takes it seriously and helps you with this.

Sabina,

I posted over on the 180 train thread in General, but I really hope that you will share more about what you are feeling. I know I'm struggling with what the heck I am doing with my WS. But I do know one thing - I am totally living one day at a time right now. It's all I can do.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
SabinatheOwl
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Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, March 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have depersonalization disorder (definition here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder if youíre interested). I was diagnosed with depersonalization as a teenager. My therapy involves learning to be fully present emotionally and learning to stop myself from compartmentalizing (akin to detachment) in unhealthy and/or self -destructive patterns. What does this have to do with detachment? The adulteries/SA issues of the last few years have caused me to regress into self Ėdestructive behaviors along with several severe episodes.

So as I progress in individual therapy, becoming stronger and healthier and less prone to serious episodes, my awareness of my emotions and emotional needs grows stronger. This is diametrically opposed to the clear need to maintain emotional safety in my M. Both the IC and the CSAT I see know I have this diagnosis and they work with me to learn to balance both the need for emotional awareness and expression and the knowledge that my SA, my spouse, isnít a safe person for me, emotionally.

Iím learning to balance walking along a fence. Iíve been a stay at home mom for a long while, so Iím polishing my skills for the current job market. Iím learning to reach out and form a support system apart from my spouse and family. Iím learning to detach from my spouse in a healthy way. But itís hard. This last few weeks have been very hard..but Iím learning. Iím learning to honor my process, to allow myself to feel my feelings and recognize that they wonít actually hurt me. Sounds odd, I know, but thatís my reality. Iím working hard in therapy, becoming healthy and strong despite the curve balls life has thrown my way.
I donít plan to remain in an emotionally crippled/crippling relationship indefinitely. Iím getting my ducks in a row. And learning that reaching out to help or for help is good for helper and helpee (??lol).

Cross posted on the 180 support thread.

Thank you for listening everyone. It helps more than you know.

Hugs to all!! Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
bent44
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Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel particularly isolated by my situation. Especially so since the relationship ended, he was not a spouse and since there are no COSA groups in my state and no CSAT's either.
That being said, I just don't feel like I fit in. Here or anywhere.

Nouveau, I am glad you are here, and so sorry to hear your resources are limited. A couple of info sources found here on SI have been helpful:

Recoverynation.com- The Placing Blame, Seeking Accountability section of the Partners Workshop put into words much of my experience. I also feel like I don't belong here or anywhere, especially in my own darned skin these days, but this bit couldn't have been written unless there are a lot of people just like us out there.

As to COSA, they have meetings on line. Here is an address:
COSA_12_STEP@yahoogroups.com

He has a lot of anger toward me. he doesn't want anyone to know what is going on. I think this is why he wants to R.

Torn2bits- to all of the above-just yuck! I don't know your WS, but he sounds like a real....uh, I mean it sounds like he is really struggling. I'm so sorry.

I know exactly what you mean about everyone else looking so happy. We have no idea what is really going on in other people's private lives. Just look at all the troubles on SI alone!

So true! On a walk today with WS and DD (I supervise her visits with him), someone said as we passed by, "What a beautiful family". First thought...it used to be. 2nd thought...it was never a family- it was a beautiful facade for him to hide his other life, and still feel good about himself. DD and I (and our plethera of 4 legged friends) are well on our way to making our own beautiful family...without him. If he ever chooses reality, perhaps someday we can become what this stranger thought she saw.

OK, onto some goods news:

After dropping 20% of my body weight, I am finally able to eat again. (5 mos. out) Food is good.

More importantly, a 2nd round of STD testing has turned up a neg. HIV result. This is a particular relief as DD was still breastfeeding while WS was sleeping with prostitutes and various others. Oh, boy just writing that fills me with all sorts of unkind thoughts and words. More recovery needed, but I feel immense relief we are OK.



"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just keep asking myself - was this the deal breaker? I know this is a symptom of the SA, but I just don't know if it is one more symptom than I can take. If it was anyone but HER.....


I thought we were doing SO WELL! I initially told him I just can't take this any more and I wanted him out by the end of the month. He has asked me to please, please not throw him out. But I feel almost like it's window dressing. He hasn't looked for another place to stay at all. There is no packing going on. I think he figures I'll let him stay this time just like I always do. And I'm afraid he's probably right.

The lying associated with this was (obviously) a HUGE boundary violation. So I have an indefinate consequence put into place, no physical contact at all. No kissing, no hugging. The first day or so he asked if he could please just hold me and I said no. But then he gave up asking. But a big part of me wishes he would keep trying - to SHOW me that he's in this for the long haul. But it just isn't happening. I stopped responding in kind when he says he loves me, so he's stopped saying it.

I just hate this mess.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Dazed)))) I wish I could offer you more.


I have a question for the group. I broke down and cried last night. My SAWH big reason for having to move on from porn and involve other women is he said he "needed" them to talk dirty to him on the phone so he could masturbate. I know we aren't supposed to internalize any part of their addiction and make it about us but I couldn't help it. Am I just not capable of satisfying that part of his sexuality? Is this something that through recovery he will learn to just live without or wont need any more. I guess I worry that he needs this and I am just not doing it for him. I would not be able to live if he couldn't satisfy me sexually so how could I ask him to? He swears up and down that it's not an issue and that I am more then enough but I just don't understand. I thought I really got it all but this part confuses me. Although I suppose one could say the same thing about an SA who has traditional sex but with other women. The wife is more then willing to provide so why the need for the other woman?

I'm just trying to wrap my head around this. I was crying to him about it last night and I told him I realize it's hard for him to understand because he's never had to doubt himself when it comes to me. I have never gone anywhere to seek enjoyment.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also many of you say you are attending meetings as well. What meetings are you attending? Are there online ones for spouses?


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dazed)),
I am sorry. We are all in this horrible place it seems. I want you all to know that I have learned from each of you. Especially those like Dazed, Tal; you have stuck it out for years!

You have allowed me to see what it may be like for me. This is really why I filed for D because I just don't feel like I am living. Sure I have some of my own issues, but damn I just want to go to dinner or to go dancing and not have to think if my SAWH is messaging a prostitute.

Brokenk: you hit it on the nail. I wondered in the beginning why I am not enough for him. Why does he have to go with other women. We are too good, clean. They have a belief that sex needs to be bad for it to be good. The high of the betrayal, the secret, forbidden. With us, sex is not bad because we represent their moral selves. There is nothing secret and there is no "high" when you have sex with your wife.

Dazed: He is manipulating you. My SAWH is playing his games too. He is starting to stay longer after school with the kids and cook dinner,etc. He says he wants to R in marriage counseling and said he misses holding me at night.

Remember the core beliefs. If you stopped hugging him, he thinks (in his mind) he deserves it. "I am a bad person anyway. Noone will love me. I will never get my needs met." The pity party. It is uncanny the way that our SAWH's do that same crap/say the same things.

Thank goodness for this site because I can see right thru him. One of you said when I posted about him doing lots of stuff for me "Is he trying to get back in the house?" Hell yes!

I see him look at me (OW looks like me and has my color hair) and I think he is dreaming of her. I am not going to do this for long. I am doing a few more counseling sessions and then I am going to move on if he doesn't cooperate.....

Ya know since I took my wedding ring off, I have had 7 guys hit on me. One at work has even brought me food twice. It feels kinda nice.

Be good to yourself everyone! Take a hot bath, eat some chocolate, see a funny movie, have your lady friends over for brunch. These have helped me tremendously.
Read the new beginnings thread. This has also allowed me to see the "other side", just in case.

You each are very special people who deserve to be happy and treated with respect.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I attend S-Anon and Al-anon meetings for face-to-face meetings.

Online, there's a COSA group, which is the group for partners of people in SAA, I think. This is a yahoo group, and the meetings are in a chat room.

I also attend a lot of online al-anon meetings in chat rooms for al-anon. The "sharing" of experiences, hope and strength goes more slowly, as people are typing instead of speaking, but these are still good.

I recently tried a telephone meeting for S-anon, too.

I'd be happy to send you links to any of these, if you like. You could try a few and see if any appeal to you. Just let me know.


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