I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
I can very much relate to your comment that your friends do not support you staying in your marriage. My friends and family are very supportive and protective of me; they don't want to see me get hurt anymore.
As s result, I am careful to portray my WH in such a way as to convey the overall truth of my experience, yet I purposely leave off details so that I do not prompt their calls for me to end the marriage.
We are on a very lonely path. Few understand why we would want to stay with our WS.
I'm so impressed with how strong you sound given you are with child. I cannot imagine a worse time to be betrayed.
He meant that he did not start the process of us splitting, arguing and divorce.
Uh, and how exactly were you supposed to respond to his actions? You have tried to talk to him, you have gone to counseling, you are working on yourself.
Seems to me he did start the proccess...you just responded.
I am very embarrassed to share this, but I need to get this off my chest & you guys might understand and listen,, so here goes.
Yeah, so, the weekend started off with me on the 180 train & feeling pretty good. After posting about how I struggle to walk the fence I'm on (re: my diagnosis & therapy vs. doing the 180), things turned to shit last night (pardon my language). Not so much anymore.
Last night I initiated sex, I can't honestly call it ML after what happened. SAWH "finished" from with me on all fours. While he was er..'doing his thing' so to speak, I had a flashback (part of my diagnosis) & realized that finishing in this position is a new pattern for him. I realized that he's acting out with me- something I realized but I couldn't figure out exactly how.
Afterward, I said I'm really uncomfortable with finishing in 'facing away' positions so frequently; that I want to use more face to face positions (so I can pretend he's fully emotionally present ). At first he said 'he'd work on it' but as I explained my feelings more & began to cry he became more accusatory & agressive. He implied it was 'all in my head' and 'I should be over it by now' etc. etc. As I'm crying in our bed.
This is the fence I walk. I need to share my emotions, yet I married a man who is incapable of sharing his own feelings and empathizing with me. Sometimes I simply can't walk the fence all the time. I fall off. This relationship is killing me inside. It really is.
Needless to say, I ended up sleeping on the couch. I won't be physically intimate with him anymore. I need to buy a sleeper couch with the tax check. I need to do more about trying to find a place this summer, not later in the year.
Thanks for listening everyone. I'm sorry if anyone triggered. This is the only place I have to share & my heart is so heavy right now. I'm back on the 180 train. My self care plans for today: attend evening church service, go to S-Anon meeting, journal. Call a friend later when I'm alone.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
I feel lost and consumed with feeling the pain of the A over again, to going through all the A memories of how much his actions hurt me, to wanting revenge on the recent A because her and her husband are rug sweeping and acting like nothing happened.
I know I need to get away from all of this but I just can't seem to find a way out right now. I got to the part of my workshop that talks about support, and I realize I have no one. I really don't know where to go with any of this. I've tried my usual ways to get out and I can't. I feel like I am have to bottle it all up but I'm afraid I can't. SAWH has suggested maybe instead of MC I do IC for awhile. I just don't know if it will do much.
I feel so lost and alone in right now. I just want to cry and I feel like I can't even do that. today is DD's 1st bday and all I can think about is how he would take DD to his OW and let her feed her (my breastmilk) and that he let her even touch my precious little girl.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
They are constantly praying, especially for my children. I am the person saying I want MY life back. I don't want to have to worry about what the hell he is doing. I just want to be made love to and to go to dinner, etc.
(((Sabina))), we are here for you! You can say anything to us. You are not alone! The sex mind movies can bring you down. I know I felt like I was being used and replacing his addiction. We want to be close to them, we love them, but they are not there with us when we have sex. I am sorry you are hurting.
Do something you enjoy. Take a hot bath, have some chocolate. I don't know what you like but THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! We are here for you.
broken: You will feel much better going to weekly IC. Give yourself that treat. I think listening to you I am jealous because at least your SAWH is seeking treatment. Maybe its early in the process for me. You will be ok. We are here for you. You are not alone!!!! The best thing about this site is that we all feel the betrayal from the A and understand those things are specific to SA. It does not help that they are so distant.
I think you are doing terrific for where you are.
If you can, maybe take a little trip. Go some place this spring or even go to a garden to see the tulips popping up. Something to show you that there is life out there outside of him.
You are all special, strong women. We love like no other and we hurt just the same.
Be kind to yourself. Think of what your needs are, your dreasm for the future, what you like, what you want.
This has helped me get thru the last year.
just a little tid bit from someone else here on SI: does that knife in my back make by ass look big?
Thanks for the kind & comforting words. I needed to be reminded that it's ok, normal even , to want to be physically close to our spouses.
I came home from S-Anon to round 2:
SAWH discovered I've a post office box he hadn't been informed about. I'd taken it out because I'd found bills in my name for credit cards I never signed for- which is what I told him. He immediately said 'I don't remember doing that, that must've been you & you've forgotten.' Which I shook my head at. The PO box means mail addressed solely to me goes to the PO box & not to the house. So now I feel I just went 20 rounds with Evander Holyfield.
1. I'm lying to him
2. I'm living a double life
3. I'm emotionally and mentally stuck
4. I need to be sure & leave as soon as I get a job.
5. He's the sole provider, while I run around like a teenager & waste all of his money.
6. He's a horrible lover (see previous post)
7. None of his therapists believe he is an addict (!!!)
8. He's sad because our marriage isn't in 'recovery'.
9. He's sad because he has been trying to "make amends" all year but what's the point?? I busted out into belly laughs when I heard this one. I told him he hasn't made amends at all. He got really indignant & said (basically) AM TOO. I told him he sure as shit hasn't & since I'm the one he's supposed to make amends to, I ought to know.
10. I'm lucky to be on the joint account
11. No one else contributes to the household but him.
12. My feelings are all wrong & he doesn't know who I am anymore.
13. I'm not the person he married.
I managed to keep my temper pretty well, although imperfectly. I cried a little afterwards & was given hugs by my kids. I moved some of my things out of "our" bedroom. I won't sleep with him anymore.
Actually I feel pretty good right now. His true colors are showing & he's fugly. I've made plans to gather more legal information this week. I REFUSE to allow him to drag me down into a funk for days over this.
BTW- a GF whose SAWH was in group therapy with my SAWH (for the few months SAWH attendeded) told me my SAWH was called onto the carpet for denying his addiction & for blaming everything & anything on me. He quit group a few weeks later. Big surprise.
I've taken an extra 1/2 a sleeping tablet & am waiting for them to kick in. Tomorrow I have class & then group. I'm feeling neutral at the moment, hopefully I can maintain it while I try to process all the bullshit.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 11:17 PM, April 3rd (Sunday)]
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. My SAWH also believes he has made amends, and he has made some, but nothing of the magnitude to off set the enormity of the betrayal and lies.
You are strong and wise to have ended your post with a self care plan for the day. Sleeping in a separate room was very helpful for me too, because sleeping next to my SAWH was so triggering.
If I understood your post correctly you feel badly for spending too much money. I want to say that pre-affair I was very careful with money. Post-affair, not so much. I have a whole array of self soothing and self care behaviors, including spending money on myself. I don't splurge often but when I do I don't feel the least bit guilty. Not anymore.
Will try to touch base later, if the coffee kicks in.
Some good news- I find myself thinking about you wonderful women more and more...and him less and less. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I really don't know how you do it? You are incredibly strong. And please, don't be embarrassed about sharing- just being here offers an intimacy many friendships never come close to- IMHO.
I REFUSE to allow him to drag me down into a funk for days over this.
OK, back to the first sentance. How did you go through all of that in less than 24 hours and get to the above statement?
You amaze me.
I hope you got some sleep and the day is better!
I so hear you on the wanting to ask questions thing. I had to literally bite my tongue today. When I ask the questions and he is incapable of answering them, I feel like s.h.i.t.- sad, hurt, invisible, and tired. When I can manage to remember that he is incapable and stop myself, I still feel like s.h.i.t, but also stong, capable, amazing, safe (at least within myself), competent, etc. I guess what I am saying is either way it feels like shit, but one way has some redeeming qualities.
Like torn, treatment is not underway around here, so please excuse me if I come off a bit bitter or short-tempered...or downright looney.
And like torn, IC gets my vote. You deserve the support!
On a bit of a side note, my DD's first birthday was emotional in and of itself. I can't imagine adding this stress to that day. I really hurt for you on this one.
One thing my sponsor taught me was to put ice or cold water on my wrists and forehead in times of severe emotional intensity to help change my body chemistry. It helps me...the drag is trying to remember it when I am that upset.
does that knife in my back make by ass look big?
Thank you for sharing that! Grateful I can laugh as deeply as I can cry, cause that one brought down the house.
Oh, it sooo sucks because he has to take the trash to the recycling place once a week. Or he has to snowblow the driveway... or stack firewood. That's life, you stupid bastard. Grow up!!!
I am beginning to see a pattern with SA's... they throw themselves one big gigantic neverending pity party that never stops.
I'm doing well so far today & I have group therapy tonight. I have to be honest and say that with the credit report confirmation of his shenanigans I find mmyself suddenly about $600 in debt SAWH had opened & subsequently defaulted on. I delayed & delayed doing this because I just knew it would be the final straw that broke the camel's back.
*sniff* I love you guys!!
Edited to add: This is it. I'm done. It's only a matter of time. I foresee divorce in our future.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 4:22 PM, April 4th (Monday)]
How do you guys balance the need to know what happened with the codependent behaviors of becoming obsessed with his addiction? My therapist thinks I am slipping into codependent behaviors so I promised him that for one week I will lay off with questioning SAWH and with foraging in his email account. But then what do I do with this crazy urge to know every little detail.
D-day 11/14/10 (found 5 years worth of emails/chats etc.)
So where we left off.... a slip of H's tongue that started my mind going and the question revealed that H was clinging to the "it HAD to have been real luuuvvv" with his LTA OW. He admitted to thinking about and missing her pretty much on a daily basis. And I do believe him when he says it has been NC for 4 1/2 years.
So I told him he had until 4/2 to get out. I had been doing well dealing with the SA fallout but this just felt like too much. I didn't cry at all when I found out about his latest A but THIS... I cried for about a week straight. But I am starting to get my feet back under me.
I'm sure I'll get burned, but I have decided to stick it out. We had made a lot of progress in the last few months before it hit the fan this last time. I know deep down he is a good man, just very lost and sick. He could just be paying me lip service but I think he GETS that now and is taking it seriously. He is not angry or defiant any more, but seems lost and broken.
I guess I'm going to stick it out for a while and see where this goes.
Sabina - I think you hit the nail right on the head with the "facing away" positions. I went through that for a loooonnnggg time. Also (sorry, tmi) when we were face to face he would still manage to do it in a way where we were miles apart. I always told him it felt like something he was doing "to" me, not like something we were doing together. I think it is the general need to avoid intimacy just as much as it is the need for the "porn star" wife. It isn't healthy to feel used after having sex with your H.
I just hate this for all of us.
How to balance the obsessive tendency vs. codependency. An excellent question. *sigh* My therapist tells me checking up & repetitive questioning keeps us stuck trying to get into the SA's head. She tells us detachment is a must. Let go of the checking up; no one should live 'rent free' in our heads she says.
IDK, myself. It's much easier said than done. It took me a very long time to stop, but I absolutely feel much freer, much lighter now.
Sorry. I know that's not a good answer.
No 2x4 from me for wanting to try and work it out with him. More power to you. Please, just work a really strong program for you. Thanks for the positioning insights, it's good to know I was on the right track.
Edited for formatting
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:31 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]
But I still get sad, still cry some, still get angry, still hurt... but not that I let him see, and much much less than before.
But this thing bugs me. He acts like it's not a big deal that I don't talk to him, that I barely acknowledge him, that I don't touch him or even look at him anymore.
He doesn't act sad. He just doesn't seem to care at all. I just don't think he has ANY feelings. I know he's acting out again, and it really doesn't matter to me that much that he is. I could give a shit.
It just hurts that I mattered THAT LITTLE to him.
I will survive this. I have survived much worse than this.
I attended my second meeting today and it actually went great. I can't believe that after all I went through finding out about his addiction, I was actually scared of going into a room full of people who were just in the same place.
It's been incredibly helpful to me to begin contemplating the first and second step. I am also working really hard to convince myself to look at sexaholism as a disease instead of it being the result of a skewed moral compass.
It's helpful in assuaging my anger, which is really good since anger is not who I really am. Anger puts me in a position of discomfort.
I am grateful for all help in incorporating the right messages in my life. I actually read each post on this thread with great concentration, as you seem like a group of women that really "get it."
All the Best
We're still at the beginning of our journey. SAWH is doing the meetings and IC and making progress.
However, I'm feeling more and more isolated. It hasn't started resentment yet, but I think it will (which I'm going to bring up to my IC this week.) I have no one to talk to about what's going on here. Only 1 person other than my therapist has any idea what's going on and she still only knows the bare bones. Other than that - I've been giving the pat "We're going through some stuff but we're working on it."
SAWH has his sponsor and his meetings. He has people who know the whole truth about his life. I have no one but my therapist who I see once a month. I have no pressure valve to just vent off some of this crap. I can tell my husband some of it, but if I dig into some of the emotions or how I feel about situations and arguments we've been having, it turns right back into the argument or worse and I just feel like it's not even worth the trouble to bring it up.
I am secure in me and who I am. I know how to sort out my feelings and realize that some stuff is just raw emotion from 5 months of this natural disaster. Before this, I could at least vent the normal everyday marriage stuff. Now, I can't even do that as I'm afraid it'll lead into a verbal vomit of what's been going on.
I think I just needed to get that out to someone. I'm doing fine in general. Or maybe that's me just trying to convince myself?
New to this thread but not SI.
I discovered less than two weeks ago that WH has had an internet sexual relationship for 2 1/2 years now. It started with friendly IM chats (she is a stranger who met through gaming)and progressed to dirty IMing, texting, a couple of phone calls, dirty pictures . In july 2010, WH had a ONS (not with her) which he disclosed fully to me but NEVER came clean with this!
have been going through false R for 8 months. In those 8 months, the internet thing got worse, increasing to webcam interactions and finally cybersex as recently as the end of January. LIES LIES and LIES until I discovered the entire truth and very foggy.
He is kicked out now for about 1 week. shortly after being booted he has defogged and got his butt into counseling with my counselor who is excellent. He has not been dx but at minimum it sounds like they are calling it a compulsion but will treat it in the same vein as an addiction. In many ways he fits the criteria but his desire for sex/masturbation is not high. In fact, my sex drive is MUCH higher. He is not preoccupied with sex so I guess its that part that is throwing me off on this.
would like those experienced here for their opinion. Also, what should I expect if I decide to stay? What boundaries do you set when the internet is everywhere? Finally, my WH is NOT religious ,he does not believe in God and other than IC, I dont see him ever going to a traditional 12 step because of the religious connotations with the group. Is there anything else out there?
[This message edited by hurting38 at 4:17 PM, April 8th (Friday)]
I found some pretty disturbing sex pics of her and the ex on the ex's computer back when our marriage broke down.
More disturbing stuff has happened since then. The counselor is of the impression that this OW is not stable (her husband told me she had Borderline Personality Disorder. She eventually drove him to suicide because of her erratic behavior) and would be a danger to our kids emotionally.
So far I have told the kids the barest of bare details. But now, I have to talk about SA too. How???
Mom of three
DD: September 23, 2005
Divorced April 10/08