He is not preoccupied with sex so I guess its that part that is throwing me off on this.
The awful truth of the matter is that you have NO IDEA if this is true or not. Most of the SA happens up in their head where we can't see it. I was aware my H had a higher drive than I did but I had NO IDEA how much time he spent thinking/fantasizing/acting out. SA is at it's heart an intimacy disorder - so it isn't uncommon at all for SAs to become "sexually anorexic" with their wives/partners. They will sometimes (not always) avoid sex with the wife because they wife might expect the sex to actually MEAN something rather then just being a physical act.
I am not saying this is the case with your H. I have no way to know that, obviously. What I am saying though is that you should prepare yourself to hear things you never expected to hear because it is definately possible. I know that is what happend in my case.
So much going on with each of us, it just gets my head reeling!
So far I have told the kids the barest of bare details. But now, I have to talk about SA too. How???
This is a really tough one, and I imagine it needs to be age appropriate info. My daughter is 4.5, and for now we just tell her daddy has some problems with his heart that he needs to fix. She is too young to know more than that. I hope your counselor is able to guide you through this. Perhaps there are some books that could provide guidence as well?
Wanting to check in this morning, as there are some changes around here. WS has finally gotten into counseling with a sex therapist, and is now admitting to sex addiction, as well as drug/alcohol addiction...sound familiar, anyone? He says he wants our family, that he wants to choose a good life, but the LIES continue, and I am a bit of a wreck.
Yesterday, I triggered bad, and he saw it. He tried to comfort me but I yelled at him to keep his "whore hands" off of me. We are both so new in all of this, but told him that the woman he married is dead, and that if he is ever to come back, he best be prepared for a broken shell of a woman.
I don't want to overwhelm him, but feel the need to let him know a bit of what he is in for.
We are currently living seperately which is the only way I can survive, but I have a question for you all. I have, until yesterday, kept my pain from him. He was too deep in the fog. As he de-fogs, when is it safe for me to share some of my vulnerable stuff with him? I want to be supportive, but also find a way to be true to myself. When are they safe? Am I making any sense?
Was able to tell him this would likely be a 2-5 year process, which he says doesn't scare him. I am clear within myself that I do not want him in my life until he is a sober (sex, drugs, alcohol), financially responsible (another biggie for him), mature MAN, not the immature mess I married.
But how do we heal concurrently? How much can he deal with so early on? Argh, can anyone give me some experience, strength, hope with this one?
This is just so danged overwhelming!
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
At about that time, I knew that I would probably be facing a lay-off at my job. Several times, I told my WS about my fears--and my gratitude that he was in a position that was in demand & easy to find employment in.
Soon after that, my WS f**ed up in a big way. He was a nurse that had a full-time job and also a part time job. The full time job was at a "transition house" where recovering addicts live for several years while they stabilize and get their lives together. One of the people there had a condition that was extremely painful and was waiting for surgery. She couldn't take anything narcotic for the pain but was prescribed lidocaine patches (basically novicaine in a patch form). Her insurance wouldn't authorize them.
At the part time job, WS had a patient who was prescribed lidocaine patches, but they were discontinued and were going to be disposed of.
Yep--you can see what's coming just reading this, can't you? He took the patches and gave them to the woman who couldn't get them through her insurance.
Part of me understands why he did this. Part of this was just pure compassion and empathy for someone in pain.
Part of it, I believe, was his SA/LA need to be a Knight in Shining Armor and need for external validation to feel good about himself.
And yes--he got found out--and the result was that he lost both jobs, was charged and convicted of a felony, and put his liscense in jeapordy.
And yes, I got laid off.
Since that time, my WS has been working his butt off in an unskilled labor position. It's not much $, but it's steady, so I'm grateful for that. He does have to work at something--anything--as he's not eligible for early retirement for another 6 years.
I have been looking for work for 10 months now and only have had 2 interviews. The job market is starting to get better than it was, but still not great. There's not much I wouldn't settle for at this point.
The nursing board has had my husband's nursing license under review all this time. They contacted him recently to tell him they are getting ready to make a decision soon--and indicated that thay aren't planning to do much (if anything) to him. He may keep his license with no restrictions--but finding a job in the health care field with a felony convition is a WHOLE different story.
I am having such a hard time accepting and forgiving. We are living financially very tight (food bank and begging for a mortgage modification that we probably won't get). I feel so hopeless and see homelessness and poverty as my future.
One stupid action on my husband's part will have long-long-term consequences. I am living those consequences too.
My SA/WS is going to meetings, is working hard every day and is trying to be a good husband. He wants to be validated for that. He wants to be appreciated for that.
Some days I an mustre that up. Other days I want to kill us both.
Just offering hugs and understanding.
It's a horrible cycle. Also, about the religious thing. My SAWH never believed in God, and was an atheist. But he still did the 12 step program because you don't have to be religious, you just have to believe in a power greater then yourself. Eventually, this die hard athiest has turned into a spiritual person. he really has changed completely. So don't give up on that part. He needs a program to get through the addiction.
Hang in there, I know where you are sitting right now. It's alla bumpy road to say the least. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
WS has started counseling, saying he is persuing recovery,....only to find out tonight (thanks to snooping) that he...
was on the chat lines last night, twice.
I know there is a lot of discussion about snooping and how it can be codependent and harmful, but for tonight, I am so grateful...it is my protection against the most amazingly manipulative lying addict I have ever met...and I am a sober addict, so I have been, and have known, quite a few doozies- this one takes the cake (and eats it too)
Now, I get that addiction is a bi%^&, and relapse is common, but this sucks! I just feel like an idiot for showing him ANY emotion and having ANY hope.
Back to the 180 for me, stronger and harder than ever. I am a fool.
At least this time I can just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and allow the feelings to wash through me.
I was blinsided almost 6 months ago, and was able to get that this was/is not about me. But, when does it become about me- being gullible, naive, too hopeful? Giving credit where credit is not due. I was actually beginning to feel attracted to him again
Well, at least I can take comfort in knowing what I know. I would have fallen hard for his latest bs.
I just wonder if he is using counseling to figure out what he needs to say to get us back? Not that he loves us, but that he needs his socially acceptable front now more than ever. And yes, I believe he is that manipulative. You would too if you heard his words, and looked into his puppy dog eyes.
It's a sad night, but my beautiful daughter and I will be fine- no matter what.
Any wisdom, even in the 2*4 form greatly appreciated.
Those beautiful eagle wings my chicken was wearing were just super-glued on.
[This message edited by bent44 at 1:16 AM, April 11th (Monday)]
Just a quick morning check in. Looks like a few of us had a rough weekend.
We made it through Friday nights disclosure fairly well. I am still processing I believe. I'm hoping that this is a step forward in the right direction. SAWH has an appt tomorrow and I'll probably check in with my IC today or tomorrow to let him know what's going on and see if he thinks I need to come in. I'm pretty much emotionally flat and have been for the last few days. No depression, just kinda blah.
I hope we all have a good Monday. DS(5) got all dressed up in his preschool graduation gown for pics today. I took a picture and that's what I'm focusing on. I'm going to choose to find the little things and keep them at the front of my mind until I have more down time to process.
SO! HUGS ALL AROUND!!
PS- Has anyone heard from 7 yrs?? I'm worried.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
So here's why I am posting. I am 1+ years after full disclosure. He will get his 2 year chip from SA in May (although he has had some internet slips) BUT...
* WE are firmly in R. Not there yet, but on the move
* HE is firmly in Recovery. His slips were dealt with in his group and with his IC. I let him know that the slips made me uncomfortable, and scared me, but his recovery is up to him.
* HE openly and willingly answers ALL my redundant questions with love and patience. This is HUGE. As a result, I don't need to ask as many or as often
* We have several transparency things in effect, not for control, but to keep me feeling safe. I control all the money, but I make sure he doesn't have to ask for cash. I have all the passwords and can check his phone, email and computer whenever. I do. But less often than I did. You'll know when you don't have to. And, I have a Family Locator program on my phone that beeps when he arrives and leaves certain locations. It can also track him anywhere.
HE is very comfortable with all of this. HIS goal is to reteach me that I AM safe and that HE IS trustworthy and the only way to do that is to be honest and do it every day.
*He knows if he cheats again, PA or EA, I'm gone.
Each of us heals in our own way. And in our own time. The issue of boundaries, asking questions, mind movies, etc., are ones I had. I really didn't think I would EVER feel as hopeful as I do now. I just want to give some of you hope.
PM me if you need to.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:44 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]
Congratulations! It is really nice to hear a positive story, and some of the "guts" of how it can be done. You sound like a really wonderful and strong woman, and it also sounds like your hubby knows it. It really means a lot that you took the time to share with those of us that are still in the muck of this!
It really took more than a year for full disclosure and until he started seeing a CSAT and attending SA meetings he still wasn't "owning his sh1t."
Aaaahhhhhhh...Thank you so much for this info. The timing could not have been better. I had asked WS to ask his therapist about this exact thing, but he got pissy last night and left a PA note- "What was it you asked me to ask the therapist?" Well, at least now I don't have to have that conversation again. BTW, he is still secretly acting out and lying about it.
This is a bumpy road, I don't have much hope at this point for WS, but am truly happy to hear some people make it- it sounds like ya'll have really done the work, and are reaping the benefits...Enjoy!
OMG! Thank you so much for your story. I am heartbroken for you, and amazed by the restraint you show in the telling of your story. How are you doing now?
I have been tested twice over a 4 month period, and have come back clean. This was huge for me as I was breastfeeding during his escapades.
I hope your wisdom is spread throughout the posts on this site. Thank you for having the courage to share your story, and the amazing grace to not have bitterness taken your soul. (How did you manage that, BTW?)
I told my saWH on Friday that I was filing for D this week. This came on the heels of him quitting MC at the point where he either had to admit he is a SA and get into treatment, or try to deny he is not. Well, he couldn't deny it to our MC. So, he quit. That was mid-February. Since then, he has been the 'nice' husband he has always been and basically swept everything under the rug again. I can't live in the situation 'as is'. So, finally, a few days after telling him I was filing, he comes to me crying that he realizes that he does have a problem, doesn't want to live that way anymore, wants to get help, wants me, the family, etc. He made an appt with a CSAT for Saturday.
My question: While he seems sincere, how do I know he is? How will I be able to tell that he is 100% committed to treatment? Or gaining sobriety? He has always been 'nice' throughout our entire M...during his LTA and all. I cannot tell when he is being fake or real. This could just be another manipulation to prevent a D and all the negative fallout that would create for him.
How will I know he is being honest with me? How will I know his heart is in treatment and that he is not just going through the motions?
Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.
I wish I could answer any of your questions, but my SAWH is totally blaming me and completely denies being an addict. So my knowledge of what real effort and authentic remorse looks like is zero. I can't tell you how much I wish I had answers for you.
Hugs, EA. Just huge huge hugs. I've been tested twice & have some up clean. Thanks for your concern and for sharing your story.
Update on me-
Last night SAWH called me asking for a private face to face meeting discussing our future and where we're going/ where we are as a couple. He was very polite and upbeat about it all (??) but was insistent that the 'talk' happen ASAP.
Well, I'm afraid to talk to him about serious subjects alone and I want a neutral third party present so he can't come back to me later and manipulate & gaslight me. Not to mention the fact that the mere presence of a third party would hopefully push him into behaving himself a little better.
Unfortunately, our priests are busy until next Thursday because they're preparing for Holy Week next week. I have an IC appointment Tuesday a.m., as does SAWH. So I plan to push for 'the talk' to happen in an IC session- preferably mine. I've been to one of his sessions & I had a pretty serious episode & was out to lunch.
I intend to hold my ground & refuse to discuss this outside of my boundary. He claims that because we're so busy next week he wants it done NOW. I want to know why he's so pushy about this all of a sudden & why he feels next week is 'too late' so to speak. And yes I've asked him these questions only to have him repeat the same things back to me. My anxiety has skyrocketed, although so far I'm managing without extra anti-anxiety meds.
So if you have any mojo or prayers to offer, I'd be grateful.
Hugs all around~ Sabina
I do have some good news, I now have a beautiful 8 week old son. I thought after I had him things would change and they did but its worse. I can't do anything without my WH making sexual advances toward me... while I'm changing diapers, feeding him, eating, even crying. I just wish he would leave me alone. He ignores our son because he's too focused on me. My mom even made a comment about it. I did something to make him mad (not sure what) and he ignored me all night and most of the next day, it was the most relaxed I felt in weeks. He deleted his browser history on his phone but denies doing it. He got so angry when I brought it up. I don't even know why I did maybe I just wanted to pick a fight so I could get some air. I pray that he doesn't fight me for custody, I know he can't take care of our son he just let's him cry and gets frustrated. I'm scared.
Time and consistancy on his part will tell you if he's serious and committed. I have had to back way off of my "need to know" and give my husband the time he is going to need to work on himself. So far he seems to be doing that so I'm waiting, & observing in a detached kind of way.
Last night at band practice, XSO played really well. He looked so handsome. I found myself looking at him and wanting him.
Later that night I almost ALMOST went to him to tell him, "I need you to take me in your arms and love me like a man."
I didn't. I stopped and saw the big old red stopsign in my mind. I turned and walked away and said nothing.
I know he can't love a woman physically or emotionally. I had a moment of weakness. But I didn't cave.
I had a moment of weakness.
Wow! I am so proud of you. How f'ed up is it that desiring our husbands is a moment of weakness. It is so sad what we have had to become because of what they have become.
BTW, BTDT. I didn't cave either. It feels so good to be getting stronger.
Keep it up, girl!