Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: northeasternarea (43214)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM,

I understand both of your points completely and agree with your analysis and summaries. Thank you for this.

Why didn't he divorce you if his "soul mate" was so special?

Because he works very hard to maintain his image as a man of character, morals, values, and integrity. All who know him hold him in the highest regard. He knew his image would be blown if he D'd me and brought their relationship out in the open. He and OW, being co-workers, would be the subject of gossip and the butt of jokes. (I have seen this happen at my own place of employment when a cheater is exposed) People would think less of him...something intollerable to him. He would risk losing how his kids percieve him and risk losing their love and respect and them possibly 'disowning' him. People who know me...including his family...love/like me. They would be shocked and disturbed by him leaving me for OW...and they would not likely receive her with warmth and acceptance...especially in the wake of our family being shattered. Then there is all the financial loss...losing at least half of his hard earned assets to me...including his retirement, not to mention CS and Alimony. Also, having 3 kids of his own, he did NOT want to be a 'father' to OW's daughter, too. Having said all that, he did weigh the pros/cons of leaving me for her...and the con column was too lenghty. So, he opted to just continue in the LTA as a secret relationship, thus having the best of both worlds. But, OW got tired of waiting for him to leave me/kids, so she ended it.
So, I guess you could say that he chose to preserve his image among friends/family/kids/co-workers/etc and chose to maintain his lifestyle ~ nice home/finances/etc OVER choosing OW. This is true. But, I, me, am not on the list of reasons he stayed. I am, however, part of the package with the image/kids/home/etc.

It would have been helpful if somewhere along the line, during the last 6 years, he would have conveyed some 'feelings' for me personally...that he loved ME...desired ME...etc. But, he did not. It has only been since faced with D that he suddenly wants ME.

I am beginning to think that there is just no way that my saWH will EVER be able to convince me that he is with me for the 'right' reasons. And, maybe I just need to let it go...and accept that his LTA is a deal-breaker for so many reasons.

I do understand that his LTA was just a variation on the ways his SA manifested itself. He has lived a continuum of a variety of sexual interests and behaviors all indicitive and consistent of SA. His LTA is just one of them. I know that. And, I am very happy that he is finally seeing a CSAT and beginning treatment. All good.

I really appreaciate your well articulated reply. You make total sense. Thank you.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad day. Bad fight. Followed by MC. Which ended with me saying to the MC, after his line of questioning to my H - "You aren't talking about sociopathic tendencies here, are you?" and him saying "I'm starting to wonder".

Fuck. That is all. Please return to your regularly scheduled programming.


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GeniusOrAFool,

I can identify with you in that my SAH's image is very important to him. Preserving that at all costs was so important to him. Looking back, I feel that I was the 'bad guy' in so many ways. I do know for sure that in dealing with the OW post-DDay (the very little that we did deal with her), he put as much blame on me as possible. At the time, it was not so blatant but in retrospect.... For e.g., she gave him a memento that represents her culture, that my SAH also technically possesses but is in no way interested in adhering to it. When she was talking to us together, she asked us to return it. My SAH immediately jumped in and said, "My wife destroyed it!!" not 'we destroyed it' but 'she' did!! He would tell anyone confronting him, as I did, that it was all done without malice, but if he was really honest with himself, he would have to admit protecting his KISA (Knight in Shining Armour) was/is essential. Fast forwarding, I have to say this need of his has become less and less. Right from the outset, I started to insure it became less important, albeit I don't believe it was intentional on my part, but I do believe it was sub-conscious.
I told a lot of people about the affair and some about the SA. I have read many posts on SI where BS regret having told others; or at least as many as they have told. Reading these posts, I would feel regretful. For a time! Now I believe it was a sub-conscious need on my part. Right or wrong, I felt it was necessary to expose my H as being 'normal'. No it is not anywhere normal to have an A and certainly less so to be an SA. However, my exposure made him 'human' in many people's eyes. Interestingly, SAH eventually came around to the realization he had been exposed. When I say eventually, I mean fairly soon in this journey. Within the year after D-Day, my SAH went from asking with trepidation, "Whom have you told?" to asking with resignation, "Who doesn't know? He honestly accepted my need to expose him to some people. That really shocked me, to be honest. I think it may have had something to do with feeling a burden to be the constant 'good guy'/'hero'. I'm not sure.

He still needs to be the good guy, even now, but he seems to have fallen into this very sad and unhealthy lifestyle we have fallen into; no real relationship other than acting as special friends, but early on, being the KISA to many of our friends and family, ended big time.

Such a complicated situation. My SAH continues to use, I'm sure. I have no definite proof of his use of internet porn, aside from his admission of such at various points. I am long past checking. I really can't be bothered, aside from the odd time I do some checking. I really don't care. The sadness of that attitude is not caring about the relationship either. We have and demonstrate a certain level of affection towards each other, but I do not allow any cuddling, etc. I do not believe he should be rewarded in any way for continuing to use. It is not ideal for me. Most of the time, I am okay with my life, but at times I find it very emotional and upsetting. I get that this is horribly unhealthy. I get all of that. We do not have a COSA or any SA-Anon groups within miles of here. I chose to go out and find whatever help I could, but after being burnt really bad by our first counsellor, SAH chose not to seek any more help. He continues to believe he will be able to fix it on his own.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. As they say, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!! Sorry for the wandering thoughts, but you all know how scattered an SA spouse's thoughts get; all over the place!!

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 9:41 PM, April 21st (Thursday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm too exhausted to even add anything of substinance to this thread.

I got my first book, "Deceived" that was recommended on the first page of this forum today.

The end.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK... I have a few questions.

WH attended his 2nd SA meeting last night. His first IC with a CSAT was this past Monday.

1. I see WH "using" SA as a general umbrella for all of his betrayals. "Well, you know I'm a SA..." I feel like he's using it as an excuse for all of his damning choices.So what about my feelings of anger,sadness, and betrayal of him f@#@ing the whore? I feel as though the hurt I'm experiencing with his f@#$ sessions with "it" and all of the other ways he has betrayed me and our marriage vows is being pushed aside. I feel I'm nonconsequential, hell, he's thought my hurt has always been nonconsequential, but I get NOTHING from WH. Absolutely nothing. Once again, I feel like it's "all about him". Honestly, I keep asking myself, why do I torture myself with his nonremorseful inactions with me. All I ever get is attitude. My answer is: the 5 children.

2. How will I know if WH is going through the motions or actually if he's working on himself and "getting the enormity" of his actions on others?

3. With trying to detach from him, knowing I can't be his watchdog or make him change, what about my complete untrust of him? What about him having to be accountable for his whereabouts? This morning he left for work early (would do this for during his A - met up with ugly legspreading whore). WH didn't say about starting work early, so I called to verify. His voice raises in annoyance to answer me. Is it wrong of me to expect that security of accountability? This morning I triggered... you see to hide whoreface in his phone contacts, it's name was a fictitious male (Mark Hess). I saw he has a Mark in his phone again.

4. WH says he can't help me until he helps himself. So am I to expect nothing, no effort at all from WH because he needs to work on himself first? If that's the case, shouldn't I see some daily work, reading, journaling, anything! I don't. His books stay on the table. One day last week, I saw him pick it up. That's it. So in the mean time, I'm supposed to stay hurt by him. It makes it that I can barely stand being around him.

In a nutshell, I don't know if I can do this. It's going on 2 years. 2 years of my needs from his actions being unmet and now WH expects me to wait some more while "he works on himself".

I don't know if I can do it.

[This message edited by momoffive at 6:17 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Genius: My husband made me feel like he didn't love me prior to dday. We had a cold relationship...we looked loving on the outside and I hoped it was genuine...but it wasn't.

My SAH didn't "wake up" until I outed him to all of our friends and until I left divorce papers laying around, mostly filled out. He was suddenly able to come off his defensive high horse and tell me that he "now" realizes I am the only one he loves and the only one he wants. He NEVER would have said something like that to me before (and it took being kicked out for a month before he admitted he didn't want divorced). So it really may be that your husband didn't know what he had until you were almost gone. He could be genuine now telling you of his love for you. My husband could not believe that after everything he did to me, I could forgive him and give him yet another chance. That made him love me more according to him. He sees me as a very strong, loving, compassionate person. Maybe your husband is now seeing you in a new light now as well. Maybe he took his SA goggles off and sees that he had everything he needed in YOU all along. Maybe now he will embrace you instead of keeping you at arms length. Some very strange and wonderful things can happen when they get real with their recovery. My husband is a new man!

If he is acting loving towards you and not giving you reasons NOT to believe he really wants you, then perhaps he is being truthful. I know this is sooo hard...our husbands have lied and deceived us for so long that it can be extremely difficult to know when they are being genuine and difficult to allow yourself to open your heart to them again. Go with your gut! If you feel his love and words are genuine, then they probably are.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momoffive: To me, it doesn't sound like your husband is being transparent enough. He should be aware that leaving early is a trigger for you (and understandably so) and he should be willing to give you details without you asking. As long as you feel it is "all about him" I would be concerned if he is being like a dry drunk...not acting out but not really getting better either. He should be humbled and grateful to you that you are offering him another chance. He should want to do whatever it takes to help you heal and become comfortable with your relationship. And using his SA as an excuse is NOT helping! He needs to take ownership for his actions, SA or no SA! When he "gets it" I think you will know. I think he will be more remorseful, more apologetic and more attentive to your needs and hurts.

He CAN help you by answering questions, discussing triggers with you, etc...whatever it takes to help you heal from the trauma. I have read that it is best if you both help yourselves and he doesn't feel stressed to help you as well, but I would think at the very least he should be accountable for where he is, what he is doing and discussing things with you.

I personally don't think it sounds like he is "all in" in his recovery. Perhaps you need to set some boundaries and consequences? Make a list of needs and how he is expected to meet them? After 6 years of this, I have found that the only way to get results is to demand them...and if you don't get them, be prepared to leave and make it known you WILL leave.

I think he can get it, but perhaps he needs some additional pushing from you to straighten him out. This is just my opinion based on my little experience and what you wrote here. Take it or leave it. Good luck to you!


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With our huge fight last Sunday, WH exploded and one of the things he yelled at me is that he feels like he's living in jail, that he doesn't get to do anything anymore. I did ask him how he got there. He did say it was the things he's done. I told him I'm glad he realizes that.

He also screamed at me, "I don't love you. There, how do you like how that feels". He screamed it because he says I should be telling him that I love him.

His anger built up, I could see it and hear it and then he hit our island as hard as he could and said, "There, now I broke my hand," When I didn't give a reaction, then he told me "that all I ever do on SI is say bad things about him, he should just kill himself." I lost it and started crying. He got a reaction out of me. Later he said that he didn't mean anything by it that it was just to get a rise out of me.

I would give a postive post if he would start being remorseful. He confessed that he feels no sympathy or remorse for the hurt I'm feeling. He blames it on being "SA".

Sigh...


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I really don't have time to go back through multiple pages, but I did want to throw out a few comments.

First, the idea of codependency. I think that when my H first entered recovery, and I began to read up on my part in the dysfunction of our relationship (NO, I DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTING OUT!), I really bristled at the idea of codependency, as I see many of you who are new to this doing. It was very easy for me to point the finger at him and say you did all of this, referring to the utter destruction of our family, the losses our children experienced, and the pain I felt.

However, part of my own personal journey of recovery is owning my own shit. Examining the dysfunction that I brought to the relationship, and how MY actions have affected our children. I knew my H was a SA for years, and stayed with him, rationalizing that he was a good dad. I was so caught up in the cycles of investigation and unhealthy enmeshment that I was NOT a good mother, and I was not making healthy decisions for myself. Being the partner of an addict is crazymaking. However, I was broken long before I met him, and thus I was the perfect partner. I helped uphold his precious public image.

Don't be so quick to dismiss the idea of codependency. Keep an open mind in recovery. I have been working on a lot of heavy FOO issues with the CSAT lately. It really isn't all about my H. I know that many of you are too close to see that at this point. I hope you get there.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momoffive,

I am sorry to say this, but your WH is not behaving like someone ready to embrace recovery. He has not hit rock bottom. I am a firm believer that SA's need to hit rock bottom before they will really recover. My H first stated that he was a SA over 10 years ago in a suicide note. He went to a couple of regular IC's and white knuckled at times, but did not enter a real recovery until after our last dday, when we separated, and when his activities sparked a police investigation and there was the threat of serious legal consequences along with our children finding out about his addiction. It was a nightmare. Thank God it is diminishing with time. I spent too many years rationalizing and trying to solve his problems. If I would have left years ago and gotten help for myself, it could have been different, at least for our kids. It is NOT healthy to stay for the kids. It will damage them to grow up in a household of addiction. Sorry.

The whole suicide thing and anger is a MANIPULATION tactic that addicts use. You were right not to react. When I found the suicide note that my H wrote about his SA, after I confronted him he said he was going to kill himself to spite me! No, we did not have a loving relationship for years.

I do want you to know, that if your WH ever does hit rock bottom and get into a real recovery that there is hope he can change. My H has become a great husband and I like him a lot. But I say that with over a year and a half of real recovery under his belt; CSAT, 12 step group, and a CSAT run therapy group. He has put in the hard work. I think even our kids are beginning to see that mom and dad are taking this seriously and making changes. You are at a crossroads. Don't make my mistake of "staying for the kids". I caution most people against that. Protect yourself. Get into your own recovery and set boundaries. He needs to hit rock bottom. Living in this sort of limbo is terrible, and it not healthy for you or your kids.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, part of my own personal journey of recovery is owning my own shit. Examining the dysfunction that I brought to the relationship, and how MY actions have affected our children. I knew my H was a SA for years, and stayed with him, rationalizing that he was a good dad. I was so caught up in the cycles of investigation and unhealthy enmeshment that I was NOT a good mother, and I was not making healthy decisions for myself. Being the partner of an addict is crazymaking. However, I was broken long before I met him, and thus I was the perfect partner. I helped uphold his precious public image.

TooManyYears, this articulates my situation so well. In my healing journey, I have found it imperative to own my own stuff in order to progress. I don't care what I, or they or whoever, call it; co-dependency, co-addiction, symbiosis, it is what it is. Give it your own name, or don't name it all. Just be open to shine the light on your own heart and work with what you find there. For me, the complete honesty with myself has been essential. I'm not where I want to be right now in terms of my marriage. But I am close to where I want to be when it comes to myself and my heart. The former will follow, I hope.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am NOT a co-addict but I most certainly contributed to the dysfunction in our family that resulted because of the behavior of my fWH when he was in his addiction. Each family situation is different. The point is, recovery programs have something to offer all of those affected by SA. Most support groups, be it S-Anon COSA or others, are non-judgmental and not rigid in their interpretations. And IC/MC should not be either.

By the way, YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE is the book that looks at our share of this less from the "CO" side and more from the "Trauma" or "Victim" side. It really does a good job of explaining why we need to and SHOULD check up on our WSs, and describes accurately the pain we feel. It also explains how 12 step programs can support the healing process.

I am continually amazed at all the wisdom and empathy on this forum. You are all wonderful. Hugs to all, and may better times come to those of you still struggling...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shitty shitty day. I snapped at a co-worker and they ratted me out. And I got called onto the carpet for it.

Yes, I snapped. The part that really pisses me off is that some of my co-workers know what my sitch is. I told my boss (who was wonderful and sided with me) that they need to walk in my shoes for a day. Kick me when I'm down, for godsake.

I hate my life.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Mom of Five ... I'm thinking you should listen to TooManyYears. Your H is acting the same way mine did right before his emotional breakdown and collapse. The stronger I became in my recovery, the more unstable he became emotionally. It wasn't until he hit rock bottom that true recovery began for him.

Your SA is fighting himself right now ... you are just a mirror reflecting someone he doesn't like and doesn't want to see. Stay true to yourself and make him face the person he really is head on. Give him a good hard look! Don't let him manipulate you into backing off what is good and healthy behavior for you.

A word of caution ... at this point my H began getting physical with inanimate objects (fist through a door, pounded the roof of my car, etc.) and I began to cower from him in fear for my safety. You need to set a boundry right now that this unstable behavior is unacceptable. Call a relative or friend or even the police if you must ... he needs a wake up call. This type behavior is really domestic violence.

Hang in there!




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Revenge  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would you consider someone who is a SA safe to work around children? Perhaps too general of a question. An acting out, not in recovery SA. Even if it is "only porn"? (but I'm not so sure about the "only" part).

My XSO works at a cinema as a projectionist. Cinemas are packed with kids of all ages.

His porn is of morbidly obese women. But I'm not so sure about that either.

The reason I pose this question is last summer (when I thought he was in recovery) he and I went to see a movie together where he works. He was wearing shorts, the longer style with the baggy legs. (and he wears boxer shorts) I think you know where this is going.

He was sitting slouched down in his seat with his legs way up in the air onto the seat in front of him. And he was moving his legs around very casually.

I told him to put his legs down. And he said, "oh for gods sake. Nobody can see anything!"

What is your take on this? Am I overreacting in light of everything? Or is this a red flag??????

[This message edited by Nouveau at 1:03 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)]


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 23rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau,

I do not consider any SA who is not in recovery "safe" with anyone. SA is progressive, and whatever gets him "high" today, such as super morbidly obese porn, may not be enough tomorrow. I know that my H did things towards the end that I never in a million years would have thought he would be doing. He started out with normal looking porn, progressed to prostitutes and personals, then fetish porn and even further from there. A friend from S-Anon's partner had acted out with animals. So, no, nothing is safe.

But, very very gently, I want to tell you to detach and step away from all of this. You have already stated that you ended things with him, that he is your X, and that you are making plans for him to move out. Is there anyway to accelerate that? I am worried about you. Snapping at work is not good! You can't lose your job over all of this. I did almost lose my job at one point, because I was just so emotionally out of control. Are you still seeing your IC?

Please, detach and take care of yourself!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your caring post, Too Many.

My IC had to reschedule my appt and now I won't see her for another couple of weeks. It's been too long since my last appt and am anxious to get back on track with her again. I am feeling the effects of a couple of missed counseling sessions.

I am 180ing him as hard as I can. It works for the most part. But I know am living in a snakepit as long as he's still in this house.

There is no other way I can do this right now, or I will most definitely lose my home. This shitty arrangement is only temporary... even though it is temporary insanity. I do have a plan in place and am actively working on it.

I have some good friends, my wonderful brothers, even my mother is supportive. And most of all, my music... my best therapy of all.

You are all wonderful here at SI and I am so fortunate to have found you. Thank you being in my corner.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.
Opinions please:

My saWH BEGGED me to allow him to return to our home after a couple nights in a hotel after I told him I was filing for D. He left on his own, BTW, I did not tell him he had to move out right then and there.
A couple days later, with tears in his eyes..sobbing...he FINALLY admitted he is a SA and agreed to get help, BUT, he said he needed to do this from his 'home' and not from a hotel/apartment where he would be alone. I worried about his fragile emotional state and allowed him to return home with the requirement that he immediately begin to see a CSAT (which he did) and that we install a hardware web filter to block all incoming inappropriate stuff. So, I installed a great hardware filter which is working beautifully, EXCEPT that last night my saWH disconnected it and bypassed it...then logged onto one (inappropriate) site...then reconnected the web filter.

I am furious. I am a 15 minute drive away from signing a divorce complaint which my atty can immediately file since her office is across from the courthouse. I am that close to being done with all this.

I understand that he is an 'addict' and that addicts 'slip'. But, I just don't think I have it in me to tollerate this. HE agreed to having all inappropriate stuff BLOCKED from our home, then he proceeds to bypass the block??? What was the point of purchasing and installing it, if he was only going to disconnect it???? I am just disgusted.

And, of course, he has been Mr. Wonderful since returning home a couple of weeks ago...kind, loving, caring, attentive, affectionate, etc. But, is this all bullsh*t??? An act??? Telling me he loves me...wants only me...thanking me for helping him...etc...all with tears in his eyes, of course.

Someone tell me, is this what it is going to be? Him forever professing his love and want for me combined with him being sneaky and doing whatever it takes to continue his internet addiction?

This breech has even greater meaning and significance because he KNOWS that I DO NOT want him logging onto inappropriate (sissy porn) sites on our FAMILY computer which is one floor below where our kids sleep...for fear that they would walk in on him and get an eyefull of the images/vidio/him?mb? and having that forever etched in their minds. He knows this. Yet, he is STILL doing it. (To a lesser degree, but still doing it).

I am living with 2 people: the nicest, best husband on earth AND a sneaky, deceptive, entitled, selfish man. I know he is an 'addict' and can't help it, but at what point is enough enough??

Thank you all for reading my vent....and for any thoughts/comments you provide.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
OptimisticMe
♀ Member
Member # 30658
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Genius: I can understand that he wants to be at home, I can imagine a lonely hotel room would not be a very safe place for a SA to stay. He may have a point that home is the best place to "heal".

My husband had already cut out most of his acting out behaviors before we realized he was a SA...however, after knowing what we were dealing with he did slip from time to time. Each time he was faced with consequences-me mad, sleeping on the couch, an ultimatum to get into counseling, a STRONG suggestion to install a porn blocker. He had three slips that I know of...two with porn and one with MB (at least that time no porn involved...baby steps). And each time he deleted his browsing history. It is natural for him to have slips (and natural for a person that has been deceiving for years to have a hard time breaking the habit), although they suck for you, and it is natural for you to be angry. I would suggest making a consequence list. I tried making one that said porn=daily 12 step meetings for one week. Didn't work for us since we don't have 12 step groups in our area, but you get the idea. If he was unwilling to accept the consequences he was to sleep on the couch for a specified amount of time.

The slips do suck, but depending upon how hard your husband works at recovery, they may only last a few weeks or months. I found that arguing with SA lead him to slip up...not my fault but it showed that it was his comfort mechanism. I found that calmly talking to him about how it hurt me without judging him helped. I would ask him what HE planned on doing to prevent future slips. You could go so far as to get software that only allows the internet to work at certain times or set up passwords...however, I preferred hubs to do these blocks on his own to show he wanted to get better and so I didn't feel like his mother.

I know this is such a hard, confusing time. If it helps, my SA and I only had about 2 months of the pain you are going through now before he got it right and I got more comfortable. A church sermon I heard talked about whether or not the prize is worth the pain. If the prize in the end is a healthy husband and a happy marriage, I guarantee you the pain you are going through right now will be worth it. This experience has been horrible but yet also rewarding. If my husband's SA hadn't caused us both to wake up, we never would have had a chance at the intimate relationship we have now. There can be happiness and love around the corner. Hang in there, this is the worst of the ride.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2011
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, April 25th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM,

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful reply.

I think my 'problem' is largely that I am soooo at the end of my rope with him. D-day for me was 6 yrs ago when I discovered his deeply E/P LTA with a co-worker. And, despite the LTA being long over, in the years since, I have gotten indicators that he still has feelings for her.

After d-day, he did nothing to help me or the M to heal, but was happy to just throw me occasional bones to keep me in the M and to, otherwise, sweep everything under the rug. I grieved the 'loss' of my WH and M some 3 yrs ago and transitioned into a partnership in co-parenting since we continued to get along so well. I stayed for the kids.

And, things were going well, UNTIL July 2010 when I discovered he was cross dressing and viewing/mb to non-traditional porn on our family computer. All I asked of him was that he stop doing both in our home due to the riskes to the kids. The monitoring began back then...in July...10 months ago...and I am sick of it. It wasn't until Jan 2011 that he finally stopped cross dressing in our home, but he continued to use our family computer for porn/mb/etc. He has demonstrated absolutely no regard for me and my wishes, nor my concerns for the kids with his defiance through continual inappropriate use of that computer.

He also drug me through a false R attempt in November where he said all the 'right' things as a ploy to manipulate me into allowing his cd'ing in the home...and IN our relationship. I fell for it. Believed he loved me and wanted a R'd M with me, UNTIL he 'abandoned' me once again when I could not incorporate his cd'ing/etc into our relationship.

It wasn't until I was about to file for D (again)a couple of weeks ago that I suddenly became (again) the best thing since sliced bread. I feel like he just knows how to charm me and manipulate me and appeal to my emotions...and I keep getting pulled back in.
All the while, he has continued to do the exact thing which was a huge part of my objections some 10 months ago: using our family computer for porn/etc.
So, as part of the deal for him to stay in our home, he agreed... and was supportive of acquiring an internet/web filter. He had me believing that he was SINCERE in his desire to comply with my basic requirements of CSAT and porn blocking.
So, we get a top of the line web filter...only to have him bypass it. I TRUSTED (foolish) that he would not tamper with the device...because I thought he was sincere in his desire to do right by me and his family. But, it's like nothing has changed. He is STILL using our family computer inappropriately. I installed the device. I am the administrator. I set all the blocking features, etc. And, the thing works great...UNLESS you unplug it and bypass it the way he did.
I guess I am frustrated because HE made it sound like HE wanted the inappropriate sites blocked...like HE agreed that they should be blocked.
Then, he sneakily, late at night, disarms the filter so that he can sneak logging on to his favorite perverse site.

In reality, it won't matter what kind of web filter we use cause he is a computer genius and will find a way around anyway.

So, I have been monitoring him in a variety of (exhausting) ways for the last 10 months. He has been near served D papers twice. I have been VERY clear (for 10 months) on a most basic requirement: NO sexually explicit stuff on our family computer particularly.
Yet, there he was...last night...at it again.

I just think I am so tired of everything. It all feels like bullsh*t to me...with me being the gullable fool in the whole thing.

Like you said...about the 'prize'. Well, what am I doing this for?? So that I can have a husband who is deceptive and manipulative? A man who is mismatched morally, spiritually, in priorities and values? A man I cannot and will never likely be able to trust? A man whom I will never know what is really in his mind/heart...and what parts are occupied by his one true love who got away ~ OW? Is this my prize? Not to mention all the lovely images which still haunt me of the 2 of them together. And, this stuff is only part of it. There's more. And, it feels like there is just too much to 'get over'.

Sorry...this is so long...and, again, another vent. I just cannot believe that I am STILL 'in' this...in a situation which is 'not ME'. I am a simple person. Low maintenance. Don't need much. Have my priorities right. Not materialistic. Rational. Reasonable. I have so much love to give...to a man who is of like mind and heart...someone who is honest, genuine, trustworthy, loyal, moral, etc.
So, as 'nice' as my WH is...I am not seeing the 'prize'.

And, when I think about it, I am STILL here...because of my own choices. It's my own fault. Yet, I KNOW my heart has been in the right place all along and I have particularly tried to do right for my kids.

Wow...all this because he intentionally bypassed the web filter to log onto 1 site last night. But, that is NOT all it is. It's 6 yrs of 'crap'.

Thanks for reading...
I will figure this out...

OM, your H is a very lucky man and I am so happy for you both.


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.