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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ShatteredAndDone,

I am sorry to find you back on SI, but not surprised. I really don't have a lot to say, because I know you are in a very difficult position. Financially, you do not have a lot of options. I think you do need to consider your choices for obtaining an education and financial well being. Yes, you may have to place your children in school. Yes, there will be hardships. But honestly, if you don't make some sort of empowering change for yourself, you will still be in this place indefinitely, and this is not good for you or your children, either. I think the fact that you feel trapped only adds to the mental exhaustion.

As for IC, I understand how tough that is. I am on my way to my IC in a few hours. We never even talk about my H! We are working through FOO issues, codependency, and toxic shame. Oh, the lovely legacies I have left my kids to deal with in the future with their therapists!

I have a very hard time with the idea of SLA. My H is a SA, there is no "L" component, and so I do not understand it. My H never had LTA or emotional intimacy with others in his acting out. I am no help to you there. Sometimes I wonder if the whole SLA diagnosis is there to make the SA feel better like they were involved in a love relationship, not just a crude sexual act. I don't know. Just my ramblings on that matter.

I also do not believe that MC should be happening at all until the SA is far into recovery. I think that there are too many issues that need to be dealt with first. My H and I still are not in any sort of MC, and he is 19 months into recovery.

As for 12 step groups, I do not see them as "cult like" at all. S-Anon has been a lifesaver to me, and my H's 12 step group has been good for him, too. My H also attends a CSAT led therapy group once a week, too. Yes, the therapy is costing us hundreds a month (his CSAT does not take insurance).

We are lucky to be in the financial shape to afford his services. I think that if I did not have the financial options that I do, I would feel very hopeless. I have a good job and could be self supporting if I needed to be. I always encourage women to be self-supporting. I think that as women (and I am sorry if I am offending any men who are married to SA's) we need to be able to take care of ourselves, because life is too unpredictable. Unfortunately, I see that many women here feel trapped. This is why I completely encourage financial stability regardless of the outcome with your SA.

I am sorry that your WH has not made the decision to enter recovery. I hope that this will at least help you to make a change in your life for the better.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
ShatteredAndDone
♀ Member
Member # 26067
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for the confusion, I am not thinking clearly at the moment. He attended the SLA, he is diagnosed SA.
I know I need to get myself in a better position (financially and emotionally). I know I will have to put my kids in school (and I feel awful for them, it's not what they -or I- want). I feel like I am stuck in this crazy tornado right now and trying to find which way is up.


Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option.
Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry SAD, Hugs. I remember the overwhelming feelings on my last d-day. The fact that everything was going to change. I hope you are able to find your way out of the tornado soon.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom of 5-
You asked this:

SAWH says he needs to "fix himself" first. I do understand that nothing will change until he recovers from SA, but I guess my thought is can't you multi-task? Can't he be working on himself plus trying to prove to me that he does want to R. I just see the "all me" as more selfishness. There's a lot on the list that deals with communication, why can't I expect that from SAWH?

In my experience, frankly, my husband is unable to multitask with anything. The other day, I was quite literally doing 3 things at once. My husband cannot do that, even with normal household things.

My husband was unable to do that with his recovery. He was sober for 9 months before he started to exhibit recovery behaviors. When I have more time to post, I'll generally say he's been sober for 4+ years, and in recovery for 3.5. I mark the start of my husband's recovery when I saw recovery behavior.

It took a while for my husband to get a good grip on his sobriety. For my husband, he acted out for almost 20 years, or 2/3rds of his life. I can't imagine that he could come to terms with a life-long habit in a month or two.

Also, my husband was spending 5-8 hours a week on his sobriety/recovery efforts. On top of working part time, doing all of the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry and part time child care, to include taking care of a newborn. My husband did't have much time to fix the marriage. And honestly, I didn't care. Because we wouldn't have a marriage if my husband didn't fix himself first.

Finally, SA is an INTIMACY disorder. meaning SAs run away from emotional intimacy at all costs. When you are asking for communication from your husband, you are asking for intimacy, at some level.

He can't really communicate with you until he deals with his SA.

So, now, let's make this about you. I get the feeling you haven't done your homework about SA to learn about it.

Have you decided whether or not you can stay married to an addict that is not interested in recovery? What are you doing about that?

Because at the end of the day, these things are really much more simple than we tend to make them.

1. Your husband is either interested and willing to work recovery or he's not.

2. You are willing to live with an addict, dry drunk, or recovering addict.

You make your plan based on the answers to #1 and #2.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momof5-

I also wanted to say that your requirements for recovery are not boundaries.

Here are my boundaries:

If my husband slips, he must go back to his CSAT again.

If my husband relapses, we divorce.

I have decided that living with an active addict does not benefit my physical, emotional, or mental well-being. In fact, living with and addict, actually harms my well-being.

You might have some boundaries. Maybe you start by reading the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Maybe you decide to do the 180 on him. Maybe you decide not to share the bedroom with him. Maybe you ask for an in house separation.

(As an aside, that's a personal boundary I have. If I am not feeling emotionally safe with my husband, I do not have sex with him. )

Another boundary I have is that I will not engage in abusive relationships (this is more directed at my FOO.)

Notice, if you will, how many I statements I have here..because boundaries are about what I need in my life to keep me on track..It isn't a list of behaviors I need to see from my husband.

Boundaries are a thought out response to behaviors that I may or may not see that will help me stay grounded in time of crisis. They help me to NOT emotionally react to life. Nothing gets accomplished when we emotionally react to things. Boundaries help us get off the emotional roller coaster when we want to and are ready to.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 9:25 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom and Genius,

I don't think I need to add much other than to say listen to IRN2006, TooManyYears and OptimisticMe... my experience has been much the same.

I lived in false R for almost a year before dscovery of H's SA. During that year I refused to slip back into the old pre A status quo and demanded change ... the healthier I became the more unstable he became. When I discovered the true extent of his acting out, the bottom of his world dropped out ... I was ready to end it, done! Get help or get out of my life! He went completely over the edge and had an emotional breakdown.

Since then he has been a totally different man. He wants to be healthy - for himself. When I refused to engage in circular arguments and dysfunctional interactions with him, he realized he could no longer push our/his issues off on me. He had to face himself and his own demons.

Said gently Mom, your SA does not sound like he is ready, and he may never be. As long as you are a partner in the dysfunction dance, he will not be forced to really examine himself and all the harm his SA has done. CSat and IC is great, but if he can come home and slip into the same old patterns with you, there is little motivation to change. It takes a very strong and healthy partner and real consequences to overcome SA. Even then many addicts are never able to recover permanently, and it is no reflection on the partner ... just a hard reality.

Get yourself healthy, and set a good example for him to follow. Stop expecting your SA to take the initiative to make your M healthy ... it doesn't seem he is able at this time. Start making your life healthy. Rid yourself of the dysfunction as best you can. Emnotionally disengage! You do not have the power to change him ... it is not up to you! You do have the power to get yourself healthy ... 180, 180, 180. Do not engage! Let him self destruct if that is what it takes!

(((Genius))), if you are burned out and tired of waiting for him to get it, then stop. Move on with your life ... none of us here would blame you.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, now, let's make this about you. I get the feeling you haven't done your homework about SA to learn about it.

That's just it, IRN2006, SA being definitely added to the mix is very new to me. Sure, I questioned it to myself and here months ago, but MC really got the ball rolling with the latest betrayals. So I am only beginning to learn about it.

That's why I have so many questions. For the past almost 2 years, I've been dealing with what I thought was a lying, cheating WH. Now to have learned that it's much more than that is mind boggling and I'm trying to learn what my roll (which seems to be nothing in regards to him and everything to me and my children) is now. Again, I'm just trying to grasp all of this and do feel overwhelmed.

I bought the book, Deceived, which was recommended on the first page of this forum. I'm now onto Chapter 2. I read it with a notebook, pen and highlighter.

Is your saWH unable to do what you need because he is truely internally crippled with/by SA? ~OR~ Is he just being an insensitive, selfish a$$...because that is who/what he is??

That is something I really wonder about, but again, I guess I'm not supposed to wonder?

I have never felt so out of control of myself in my life before. I hate this feeling.


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Ladies,

I have been away for a bit- Daugher and I just moved into our new little home, and have been busy getting it settled. It really is a sweet little place!

I feel so sad catching up on the posts, and am so grateful for the sage wisdom on this site. Hugs to all.

I fell off the 180 hardcore recently, and am still spinning from the results. My WS is NOT in recovery, but stupid me still reaches out to him on occassion thinking he will be available to help with this shitstorm of emotion I have become.

He says he does not want to give up on the M, but when I asked him what he has done to show that, his response was..."I haven't dissappeared". OMG- not a recovery answer. He is lying saying he is not acting out, although I know phone activities are still going on. He has gone to some sessions with sex therapist, but have no idea what goes on there. He says he is angry with me for my "uncompromising selfishness during our marriage". I have told him I will not discuss the problems in our marriage until he is well into recovery, although I have admitted there are problems that I am responsible for.

He continues to be flat out mean to me, controlling, manipulative, etc. Then, he will be nice at times. The only times I see him are when he has his supervised visits with our daughter. BTW, he says he wants 50% custody...yeh, right. I have sole custody right now, and that will not change until he gets into recovery, and I have told him such.

My thoughts are now that he, in fact, does not want the M, but won't man up because he does not want to look like the bad guy to our daughter...as if what he has done already doesn't state that loud and clear. But there is still that part of me that has hope- it feels pathetic to admit it, but denying only causes more problems.

I am back to 180, but feel myself wanting to slip, wanting to ask why he is being so mean to me, why he can't show me some real sign he wants the M. I feel pathetic and small. I don't know how to bolster myself during all of this. I even read Codependent No More in its entirity a couple of days ago. While I prefer the trauma model, I am willing to accept many of my behaviors are not helping these days.

Any ideas on how to stay strong with the 180? I know I will get stronger the longer I do it, but there are moments when I just want to cave. I KNOW in my head it is insanity to keep doing the same thing, expecting different results, but my poor little heart just aches for some validation, some love, some hope.

My head is strong- full of information, knowledge, even wisdom....but how do I get this transferred to my broken heart?

The truth is I want someone to take care of me. There, I said it. I am not doing such a great job of it right now. Most of my friends are dealing with their own situations right now, and I don't feel comfortable asking for help from them right now, my family is on the other side of the country...can all you sweet ladies come over for tea in my darling new home, and maybe hold me? I just want to be held...and there is noone to do it right now. Please tell me what to do? I don't want to ask him to, but that little tear trickling down my cheek right now weighs a ton on my spirit.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Cool  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get yourself healthy, and set a good example for him to follow. Stop expecting your SA to take the initiative to make your M healthy ... it doesn't seem he is able at this time. Start making your life healthy. Rid yourself of the dysfunction as best you can. Emnotionally disengage! You do not have the power to change him ... it is not up to you! You do have the power to get yourself healthy ... 180, 180, 180. Do not engage! Let him self destruct if that is what it takes!

CWD, your advice is always spot on for me. Thank you so much for this. This is exactly what I'm trying to do. I guess the most trouble I have is remaining positive and doing the 180 with love. I recently had a discussion with my SA. I told him point blank I can't & won't live long term with an emotional and verbal abuser. He said he feels like Jekyll and Hyde & he hears me when he says I won't tolerate these behaviors long term. If he really does hear me & makes the choice to change- those things are up to him. He knows I'm watching him long term.

I'm moving forward with my plans. It'll take me at least to the end of the year to be prepared. I've made no promises to SAWH & I don't intend to. I'm working on ME: job skills, job hunting, personal financial security. When I have a job I'll feel better able to make my final move, no matter which it is. The bonus of my plan (IMO) is that by working primarily on myself, it gives SAWH more time to attend therapy and hopefully grow & change and mature out of this horrible shitty place his abusive and tormented childhood led him to. If he isn't someone I can live with by the time I'm ready, well..that's on him.

@ bent44~

The truth is I want someone to take care of me..

PM me if you want the title of a codependant's daily meditation guide that I read every day so I have a positive start to the day. I too used to want someone to take care of me. Through therapy I recognize that this wish is that of a child- my inner child, who because of FOO issues, loudly demands to be cared for. What I do is reach into myself and tell my inner little girl that the grown-up me *is* taking care of her. It's just taking time & she needs to be patient. I'm being responsible for my emotional life & health, I'm keeping that strength and power for myself.

Hugs hugs and more hugs to all here. My new task is learning to be positive and bouyant about my life- regardless of where I am or where my WH is personally. I refuse to become stuck in the past, resentful and angry.


Love to all~ Sabina

edited to fix formatting

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 1:30 PM, April 30th (Saturday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 1st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN,

He was sober for 9 months before he started to exhibit recovery behaviors.

What are 'recovery behaviors'?
Can you describe, specifically, what behaviors your saWH displayed?

Thanks!
'Genius' :-)


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Well....today is my 22nd wedding anniversary and he came to the house early to bring some plants and a card that says these are alive and so are we.

He has been winning me stuffed animals in those machines and said I will get a surprise at work. WHAT is he doing????

He still lies, won't admit a thing. Said in MC that we can't have sex, kiss. Has thrown himself into religion.

I have taken a step back to "friendly" interactions with him and just really getting on with my life.

What is he doing? Any ideas? He is on depression meds, lives out of the house and is in IC with a 12-step specialist. Its like the IC tells him to do these things. The MC said we need to start spending more time together. I said its impossi le for us to get close if he is still messaging someone else.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are 'recovery behaviors'?
Can you describe, specifically, what behaviors your saWH displayed?

Well, for starters, my husband began to talk. Not just to me, but to others. I was quite shocked when he did. And, for a while, I thought he was hitting on women in front of me. It took me a long time to get used to this.

We discuss things now, and my husband shares more.

My husband began to take initiative. When we were dealing with selling and buying houses, he did a ton of things like taking care of utilities, repairs, and stuff without me even asking to. It was, just, done.

If I need him to organize a date night, I've said "Honey, I need to get out, please make it happen." and it has.

He's also starting to take initiative with his job situation. He's figuring out ways on his own to make himself more marketable.

He spoils me (at times) without complaining. I got a new ring at my request. My new ring is almost worth as much as we paid for our wedding. He's also spoiled me with gift giving..

He's much more into family time and doing family activities.

My husband is on the computer much less as well.

There's a few sex things too..we actually started connecting during sex. There are also some things that he extremely rarely did when he was acting out that he does more often now.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN,

Thank you for your reply.

In comparison, my saWH has done much of the same, except that he has mostly ALWAYS had these wonderful traits/qualities. I have never had to tell him to take care of certain things. He has always just done his part and I have done mine. We really do compliment each other in that way. We have always equally towed the line, never dumping on the other to pick up more slack than they 'should'. Everything gets done...and never begrudgingly. We both just do it.

He has always been a good dad to the kids. However, recently, he is a much better dad. He is connecting more with the kids, being more interested, offering to do more for them and with them. And, he seems to genuinely be enjoying it.

During his LTA and the 6 yrs after d-day, he had mostly neglected me in terms of 'dates', etc. But, since I allowed him back home 3 weeks ago, he keeps suggesting activities that we can share in ~ concerts, etc. He claims to wants to rebuild our relationship and feels that engaging in fun stuff together is an important part. So, he seems to be trying in that area.

He has always been somewhat extroverted...very friendly socially...even to strangers. But, I have seen a difference in his attempts to engage ME...connect with ME..through more conversation/interaction. And, for the first time in 6 yrs or so, he is initiating affection. He is hugging me more, touching me more, and snuggling in bed (no sex).

As far as his job, he is a successful business man and has not needed any improvements there.

Jewelry...well, I am not a jewelry kind of person...so that wouldn't do anything for me...and I don't 'ask' for stuff. But, if you substituted out anything for 'jewelry', he would give it to me or make it happen...as you say of your saWH.

So, you have me thinking that maybe he really IS trying and doing the 'right' things. I just find it IMPOSSIBLE to believe his motives are what I need them to be...or that he is being genuine and not just being skillfully manipulative to successfully secure his place in our home/family and prevent a D...which carries so much loss for him. Another words, is all this 'good' really all about HIM and doing what's in his best interest to save his own a$$. OR, has he really had some kind of epiphany and realized that I am what/who he wants and have become very endearing and special to him...and he does not want to lose ME.
I just cannot tell.

I do not trust him to be genuine because he has fooled me in the past.

But, your input was/is really helpful because it does relax my negativity a bit. But, I feel I must remain guarded and not invest in him or give him my heart...yet...if ever.

I just don't know...


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Genius-

My husband really never had many of these traits, even in when we were dating in college.

I knew he could be capable of being the person he is now..I unfortunately didn't know why.

How long has your husband been in recovery?

18 months into my husband's sobriety, I felt like I could trust him (reasonably) again. It was at that point, that I saw my husband's recovery behaviors be consistent for 9 months, and he was sober w/o slips etc for the entire time.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN,

I can see, then, how your H's current behavior, attitude, etc is a huge change IN him which has fostered the return of trust, etc. That is wonderful to experience such consistant change like that.

My H has had little variation in that he was mostly 'wonderful' before, during his 10 yr LTA, mis-managed 6 yr aftermath, and right up to present day.

I say "mostly" wonderful because there were periods of time in there, some quite lenghty, in which he was emotionally distant, seemed somewhat disinterested, etc. But, prior to d-day, I attributed his subtle withdrawl to work stress and his need to decompress through reading, watching TV, etc. Plus, it was the years when our 3 kids were little and required a lot of my time, energy, and attention. So, I attributed most of our subtle disconnect to it being the 'hard years' where we both were just busy keeping things running and afloat...a somewhat typical experience in most M's...even the 'good' ones. I was TOTALLY blindsided by his infidelity...and later, his SA.

How long has your husband been in recovery?

I am not sure how to acurately define 'recovery', but he has only had 3 sessions with his CSAT so far. So...about 4 weeks, I guess. I think he has an appt tomorrow. There has been no mention of a 12 step program or group therapy. Not sure why...as I thought that was pretty much a given in terms of treatment/recovery. And, he said to me after about 2 weeks in...after 2 sessions with CSAT...that "this isn't that hard". Meaning, treatment is much easier than he expected. So, I am not sure what to think about that either.

I think the problem I am having is mostly MINE in that I am SO at the end of my rope with him because of all the years of neglect after d-day...combined with recently discovering his SA...a failed R attempt which proved to be him just manipulating me into incorporating/allowing his SA behaviors into our M relationship and sex life...something I could not do. And, when I couldn't, he had no E/P intimate interest in me anymore. Then we went through a series of very hard MC sessions which he eventually dropped out of because he could not face the SA diagnosis. I followed that with telling him that I was filing for D. And it was then that he suddenly admitted he had a problem and wanted help. That was 4 weeks ago.

So, bottom line: It seems he is doing things right, but I cannot accept it because I just don't believe his motives are genuine and/or the right reasons. He even said a few weeks ago that I am the "keystone" in that if I am removed, everything falls apart for him: his image blown, loses his kids, house, $$$$, etc. So, he is trying very hard to preserve the 'keystone' in place as to preserve his life as it is. I wish it were that he wanted to preserve the 'keystone' out of love, care, desire, appreciation, etc for the 'keystone' itself.

I hope I am making sense. It's a point I am very hung up on and has become an obstacle to my wanting R with him at this point.

My questioning what your H does to indicate R is genuine is, I guess, my way of trying to find out HOW I can tell IF my H is genuine in his gestures toward R and to determine how to tell if he is in this for the 'right' reasons.

You said it took 9 months of consistant behaviors before you believed it. I don't know that I have 9 months in me or if I even WANT to R with him.

Sorry...such a long post again! Thanks for reading...



I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it is specifically recovery behaviors, but there is a great post in JFO called something like Before You Reconcile (currently on first page) that describes the behaviors of waywards on both sides of things. Perhaps you may find some indicators there?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent44,

Thank you for directing me to that post. It was very good.

-G/F?


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Genius-

Anyone would be a fool to trust an addict, particularly in the early stages of sobriety.

Doesn't matter what sort of addiction it is.

Addicts lie. They lie to us, and they lie to themselves. We should not trust a liar, period.

Your husband isn't going to stop lying after being in recovery for 4 weeks. 3 CSAT meetings are just barely scratching the surface.

My husband saw his CSAT for 18 months.

In the 12 step tradition, they say that no relationship decisions should be made the first year..

It also takes couples 3-5 years to heal from SA. It took us 3 years, only because my husband didn't cheat. Had he cheated, it would have been a dealbreaker..

Have you done all the leg work needed to divorce yet?

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 11:26 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday)]


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Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GeniusoraFool,

Your situation is so close to mine, it's almost scary, if you know what I mean. I am so burnt out by this whole thing that I'm having trouble trying to articulate to you how similar our situations are. Just let me say that my SAH has been a total warrior when it comes to taking care of things at home; I have always felt very safe with his care of everyday things. We have always been well insured in every way. He has always been this way. He thinks men who do not provide for their families now or in the future are total duds.

Despite all that, I am suspicious of his motives in the area of marriage/intimacy. Unlike your SAH, mine has not sought any help in the last few years. After a IC/MC screwed us royally, he gave up totally on all help. There are no CSAT counselors in our area, no SA support groups.... However, he has not tried the few resources available, although he knows about them, i.e. Recovery Nation. It may not be the best avenue, such as a bona fide CSAT, but if it's all that 's available in the area, it's all there is and someone intent on recovery would use whatever was available.

Just last night he reiterated the same old tired mantra, "I'm getting better!" He does not deny the use of internet porn and compulsive masturbation, but feels decreased use is a sign of progress. He does not get that he is just 'managing' his addiction; not in real recovery.

Right now my life is one of survival. I am with him because....because...because....well you get the picture. I am very close to retirement. Getting a divorce right now would leave me with so little in terms of monetary support. Is it really worth it? I hear things like 'you would feel better about yourself', 'you would be be free', yada, yada... Yes, I know all that. But I turn 60 next year. I will never remarry; there are complex reasons for this, btw. So what is the purpose of leaving? You see my dilemma.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I love that I can do this on this site. I have no real answers; only dilemmas and questions. I ! Thanks for listening, Genius and others. I love unloading!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hypersexual Disorder

Here's a link to a proposed revision of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association):

http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=415

(I hope it's okay to post a link.)

If you click on the "Severity" tab, you'll see what they are proposing in terms of questions.

It looks like this revision isn't due out until May of 2013.


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