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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The truth is the shitty things he continues to do are about him.

Ok, they are not just about him anymore. Just found out tonight he bailed mid-visit (last week) with daughter and went to a prostitute.

BTW, 5 minutes before this admission he swore he was "acting like a married man".

He is also swearing he is not doing drugs anymore. I think I would be an idiot to believe this.

Told him he would need to do drug tests before seeing her. He says he can't afford them. My thinking is if he can afford a prostitute, he can afford a drug test.

I will be calling around tomorrow to find out if I can enforce mandatory drug-testing.

Does anyone have experience with this? That, and could I ask for hugs? My heart is hurting for my sweet girl. She still idolizes her dad.

It is all I can do to keep my momma bear in check tonight. GGGRRRRRRRR!



"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bent))))

I am so sorry. At the very least you have custody. She will be ok. He then needs to have supervised visits with her and the mandatory drug testing will prove he is not stable enough to be with her alone. You will have to go to court to make these happen.

Don't make excuses to her for him. Let him show her exactly the man that he is thru his actions. I know this hurts you to see her in pain. You show her that you are the one she can count on to be there each and every time.

I was a foster parent for 12 years. I did court ordered supervised visits with the foster kids' mom. She was an alcoholic and abused them. She showed her colors and I stood back and was the rock. They were also in weekly counseling to talk about this parent who kept letting them down. Eventually, they didn't believe anything she said.

Hang in there! Stay strong in front of her, console her and let him show his colors. She needs you not to cry in front of her, give lots of hugs.

Hugs to you!!

[This message edited by torn2bits at 3:45 PM, May 30th (Monday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Torn! We have tried to stay out of court as we both hate having more people meddle in our business, but will speak to counselors and lawyers involved.

I don't talk trash about him to her, and have shielded her a bit as she is so young, but he will show his colors sooner or later. She has her first counseling session tomorrow!

Realized it was not mid-visit that he bailed...it was 45 minutes into a scheduled 4 hour visit. Jeeze. Thank goodness for journals.

It is no wonder my counselor keeps talking about C-PTSD. It just doesn't stop with some of these guys. I was up on adrenaline until 5am. Haven't done that in a long time.

Trying to accept my new "normal" today, and wishing all a happy day.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SpicyCat
♀ New Member
Member # 31944
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knutz:
Does anyone else feel this way? Like you are making progress on yourself, but you feel like you are waiting for him to "get it"?

Every SINGLE DAMNED DAY!!! Since I found out the Man was a SA I have done everything to learn what I could about it. I have learned tons about myself, co-addiction and worked HARD to try and be a better person.

Meanwhile, he's... sitting there. He tried for a while, then got inconsistent with his counseling sessions. Then he slipped and started emailing the last GF. Since then, nothing. Swears he loves me and I'm the only one he wants to grow old with... but won't DO anything.

I feel like I am forever WAITING for him to want to improve himself, or want our relationship. Then I realized, if I keep waiting for him, I'll be waiting my whole life. I'm moving forward, because I have to LIVE, if he wants to be with me, then he's gotta do something and catch up. I am not waiting any MORE!


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 SAWH
3 kids 13-17, Married 19 yrs, together 21
DD1: Jan 2010
DD2: Mar 2010, discovered DD1 was last of 12.
DD3: March 4, 2011, Last GF emailed me to let me know he was contacting her again and looking for a hook up.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Virginia
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say thanks to 7yrsbetrayed for the post with the book reccs.
Anyone have anything to say about the books? Hopefully mine will be here tomorrow.
My H and I both have a lot of the same questions about his SA.

We understand how the CSA was in his subconsious and we see so clearly how his acting out was re-creating his abuse, but we both struggle to understand how he let the addiction go so far.

He didn't know he was SA, but how could he think the acting out was just "getting some on the side" when he would feel so terrible after the fact, sometimes during, and he recognized the bubble feeling.

This is all so difficult. I really hope these books can help my H and I understand this addiction.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Spicycat))) I feel the same. I love the man, but he is waiting for me to tell him what to do. I have read all the books and talked with my IC about things. SAWH is just trying to pretend things are normal, but has not stopped the EA with the OW.

Sending strength to you to start living again!!!

Notinkansas: I have read all the books. Don't call it love has been the best for me in understanding as well as Deceived. The website recoverynation.com has some wonderful workshops that truly assisted me in recovery and seeing what SAWH needs to do. You are fortunate that your SAWH recognizes his SA. Mine is still in denial and lies about everything.

Read all you can ut remember that he has to go all out or he will not get well.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone heard from 7? I just PM'd her. It is not like her not to post. I am worried about her.

Strength to all.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't ever live with any SAWH IF he is still in active addiction. I separated 2 years ago and will be divorcing despite the desperate $$$ situation that will put me in (SAHM for 22 years/married almost 23). I don't post here much anymore because I don't want to bring anyone down.
My WH is STILL deep down the road of sex addiction even though he's lost everything. His girls know...and they used to worship him--he was a great husband father for YEARS. BUT. Once he crossed the line to in-person acting out w/ hookers/massage girls, he was just GONE. He cannot be reached (his soul)and won't get help even though he admits he's a SA and really f-d up. He has said he doesn't think he even has a bottom. He cannot stop and has a fatalistic view now since he's lost everyone & their respect...he figures f-it! He says if he wasn't doing this, he'd be doing heroin to kill his pain (childhood).

He was in pretend-recovery/SA counseling 4 years ago...all BS. It's devestating. But honestly, I do not know very many women whose SAWH's ever truly get Real Recovery where it sticks... and I've been around S-Anon/SA groups for 4 years. There ARE some who do manage recovery with slips & slides if you are willing to stay that long road...but they are few and far between. I know so many women whose SAWH's had some recovery time only to fall back into it--devestating them over and over. It's a horrible addiction to have to live with/difficult to love someone w/SA.
I hung in w/ my WH until he kept lying in recovery/counseling/got busted one too many a time. You cannot have a marriage where 1 person is sleeping/using other women/prostitites & living that debasing lifestyle. Our story was "porn only" in the BEGINNING. Most often, there's always more you don't know about. It's rarely porn-only for long, in my experience w/ the women I've known over the years. It's progressive.

I cannot fix my WH. He feels no one can fix him--hence the excuse not to get more help. SA so permeates every aspect of an addict's being...and is usually connecected to a whole host of other childhood abuses/issues. God help them all...and God help those of us affected to make the right decisions for US.
I don't want to freak anyone out here or give you no hope...but i do want to share the reality of this disease as I have seen it. I NEVER-EVER thought MY WH would act out in person--I was wrong.
I pray some of your WH's DO get into True Recovery & get the help they need.
Thanks for letting me share.

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 12:53 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Aisling
♀ Member
Member # 25848
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all,

I hope you are all having a gentle day. I have boundary questions for you. My head is wrecked and I don't know up from down at the moment.

The context is that after a year and a half my WS has finally been diagnosed and is starting group and individual specialist counselling today. He is in a relatively good place, feels he's working on himself etc etc.

I on the other hand am in a hole. Having managed all round me for most of this time I am now beginning to falter. I have done some IC, which helped - our families and his children do not know anything about this. Some of my close female friends do but not our couple friends we socialise with.

He thinks I should be getting over this, and giving him credit for what he's done so far re the counselling. He does't understand my anger and sadness, especially as the message he's getting is that this is not his fault, it's an illness etc etc.

I have mentioned some things that would make this easier on me e.g. changing our PC, setting it up together so I know what's on it, giving me all his passwords and most importantly NOT LYING. He lies all the time about the small stuff, mostly by ommission e.g. he went for a job interview last week and didn't tell me because (his words) he knew I'd been poking round in his emails anyway so would know.

He is angry with the 'poking' and the checking and that he can't do anything without telling me.

We had a discussion last night about his iPod (64GB touch). He bought this about two weeks after D-Day, without telling me. When I found out I freaked out - this is a portable device he can log on to the net with and download movies, right? So it has sat in a kitchen cupboard since then. He now wants to use it as he has lost his iPod shuffle. I said I was uncomfortable with that. He was p*ssed off with that response as he wanted me to say what I needed to be ok with this. I said I didn't know what would make this ok for me? He said perhaps if he leaves it in the open where I can check it whenever. Apart from being confused about what I should do about this particular item, I am struggling with his attitude - it's now somehow MY fault that we are not ok and I need to get help to move on.

The problem with being over it all is that my childhood was traumatic with an emotionally and otherwise abusive mother and I think if this was not my background I would find this easier. This feeling of not being safe is a very old one and is paralysing me. The PTSD thread is resonating a bit here. Perhaps I'm just wallowing in the familiar?

I think if I wrote out a list of all the stuff I needed this might help as he would do some, perhaps all of it. He is good at the 'doing' stuff, not so hot on the emotional stuff. But I think the thing I need is for him to be proactive. To have an attitude of 'whatever makes you ok'. He says he is working on himself and doesn't have the space to help me. It has been a difficult time for him too, I get this.

So - what is the sensible thing to do with this iPod? And should I be over all this now?

Hugs to all,

A xxx

[This message edited by Aisling at 5:23 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


Me-BS(39); Him-WS(42)
Together 8 yrs, (were) engaged for July 2010, 2 children (his)
D-Day 12/10/09 - attemped EAs for mths, 1(known)PA
TT til 02/03/2011 - was never faithful
May 2011 - diagnosed SA, in therapy

Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notinkansas:

SA is basically an intimacy disorder. When you can, read Mending A Shattered Heart by Stephanie Carnes. It will really help YOU.

Basically, it works like this: If anyone has anything to add, or I left something out, please correct me.)

The addict feels depressed/shame, etc from whatever crap was handed to him from FOO. Instead of dealing with it, he needs to comfort (self-medicate) himself through sex. The Patrick Carnes model goes like this:

He feels shame/depression . . . .then Fantasy stage (obsessing/thinking about sex) starts which launches into . . . the Ritual stage (habits: cruising/scanning/internet searches/going into strip joints, etc) . . . then Acting Out happens . . .then they feel Shame . . . so the cycle starts over again.

They get "high" from acting out. When whatever Acting Out they have been doing doesn't work for them anymore, they start engaging in more risky behavior.

My husband started with porn, then lap dances, then "happy endings" at massage parlors. If he did not confess when he did, I am sure it would have progressed into more risky behaviors.

PM me any time.

Hugs to you all.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knutz,

Since I have been on SI, 7 has had times where she has not posted for awhile. She is a lot further out than most of us, and has a child. I would like to think that she is just busy living life. I hope she will be back again at some point, as her presence is greatly missed.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aisling,

I am afraid what I am about to say will not be popular. This is just my opinion, I am not living your life, and you ultimately need to do what is best for you.

With that disclaimer, I think you should consider IC and then work on moving on in your life. You have mentioned in another thread that you want children, and here you are talking about his lying, lack of transparency, and his lack of progress in recovery. You are not married (I think is was VERY wise of you to have called off the wedding last year), and I would NEVER recommend that anyone marry a SA that is not really far into recovery. I think ANY relationship with a SA is a risk. Even one in recovery.

Yes, you have been traumatized. You need IC. You have past wounds that make you vulnerable to an addict and codependency. Precisely why you need to get healthier for you and to step away from all of this. No, you shouldn't just be "over this". This is a real trauma. And this isn't about some stupid ipod. This is about the fact that he is not in recovery.

I am sorry if that sounded harsh, but I don't like to see you minimize your pain. Don't let him do that to you. You have real pain. I hope you are able to move on to find healing.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum,

You made so many good points in your post. I agree with most everything you said, as it mirrors my experiences in talking to other women in S-Anon.

But honestly, I do not know very many women whose SAWH's ever truly get Real Recovery where it sticks... and I've been around S-Anon/SA groups for 4 years. There ARE some who do manage recovery with slips & slides if you are willing to stay that long road...but they are few and far between. I know so many women whose SAWH's had some recovery time only to fall back into it--devestating them over and over. It's a horrible addiction to have to live with/difficult to love someone w/SA.
I hung in w/ my WH until he kept lying in recovery/counseling/got busted one too many a time. You cannot have a marriage where 1 person is sleeping/using other women/prostitites & living that debasing lifestyle. Our story was "porn only" in the BEGINNING. Most often, there's always more you don't know about. It's rarely porn-only for long, in my experience w/ the women I've known over the years. It's progressive.

I cannot fix my WH. He feels no one can fix him--hence the excuse not to get more help. SA so permeates every aspect of an addict's being...and is usually connecected to a whole host of other childhood abuses/issues. God help them all...and God help those of us affected to make the right decisions for US.
I don't want to freak anyone out here or give you no hope...but i do want to share the reality of this disease as I have seen it.

I think that most spouses are so happy to have a label and think that it is like when you are diagnosed with a disease and then you seek treatment. SA is so much more complex than that. I know I sound pessimistic and hypocritical (as I am in R with my H), but I think very few SA's actually do recover. I think that without a CSAT and a 12 step group there is absolutely NO hope for recovery, and even with these resources, the addict has to be very motivated. I think slips are common, and I think that the possibility of relapse will always be there.

Having said that, I know that relapse is always a possibility. My H knows my dealbreakers and boundaries. I am actively seeking my own recovery and healing. I have gotten my financial house in order, and I have a career that would allow me to be self-supporting. I would feel sad if he relapsed, but I know that I would be ok.

I know that IRN2006 says that in her case it was only porn, but I would say that the vast majority of SAs progress. I think that the acting out has the potential to progress to really terrible things, as SAs are always seeking that next high. I know that my H has done things that I am very ashamed of, and things that caused us legal trouble.

I do believe that in September 2009 my H hit his rock bottom. I think at that moment when I confronted him and we separated, he was willing to say eff it, too. He would have just killed himself at that point rather than continue to be so out of control. I think he felt completely hopeless. But his rock bottom involved a police investigation, the loss of his relationship with his children (who lost all respect for him and do not call him dad anymore), and the end of the facade that we had both carefully maintained for years. I could never have imagined years ago (when it was "just" porn, then prostitutes, personals, etc.) that it would end this way.

The FOO issues that SA is connected to just add another layer of difficulty in combating the addiction. I have a lot of empathy for my H's FOO issues, as I grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive house. Obviously there is a reason why we fit together so well.

I know you have been through so much, and I really hope you can find some healing. Hugs to you ScribblingMum.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knutz,
Thank you so much for your reply. I have that book at my bedside and I plan to read it as soon as I finish Deceived.

Our therapist explained that when a child is abused, several things happen. The neuropathways in the brain don't form normally as they grow up so their ideas about sex, love, and boundaries are messed up to begin with.

Then, since he never told anyone about the abuse and never dealt with it, his brain tried to force him to deal with it by subconsciously taking him back to the secrecy, shame, confusion and fear over and over in the form of his addiction.
He and I both are trying to deal with the fact that addiction took over his brain.
He told me he doesn't understand why, when he was acting out, he never thought to himself "I shouldn't be doing this. I have 2 kids and a pregnant wife at home."
He told me he is very embarrassed to admit that he drove all the way across town for a 3 minute quickie with an old girlfriend, and then despaired the whole drive home. He told me he was going to the gym. I was pregnant with our third child

It feels like I'm asking "How could you do that?"

and he's asking himself "How could I do that?"

I don't know if we are both just going to have to accept that addicts are irrational or if there is more for us to learn.

Now he tells me his thoughts are totally different. He feels like he "woke up" and sees everything for what it is and is horrified by the destruction he's created.

Some days this is so overwhelming. I look back at old pictures from when we first met up until recently and I realize my husband stopped smiling about the same time he started acting out. His mouth would smile a little, but his eyes were empty and sad. It feels like I was left with a shell of my husband for so long.

He also started with porn, then it went to flirting online, then to real people. (Real icky people )

I知 scared, but I知 trying to read these books and read here and work on myself and tell myself that no matter what, I値l be OK.

He is going to therapy, 12-step, reading books, and he痴 told several friends and family members and asked for their support in his recovery. On top of that he痴 finally PRESENT in our marriage and as a father.
I'm relieved in way because it feels like "Oh, THAT's what's been wrong all this time. THAT explains everything. Let's get you better."
So while I知 happy to see all of these changes I知 still terrified and have that waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I read here, the more fear I have.
Everyone says there is very little hope for recovery.
I want hope!

I see a lot of changes in my H already and our therapist always tells me that we are going to make it because we are both very determined and we are doing the work.

He told me he has ZERO desire to cheat on me and feels disgusted by porn now.
He does struggle with sexual thoughts but has support.

I am struggling very much with not feeling safe.
I grew up with an abusive, drug-addicted, alcoholic, bipolar father who left the home when I was 4 only to return when I was 7 and then left again when I was 11. In the years he was with us, he forgot me and left me in public places or just passed out on the couch and left me to fend for myself.
After he left for good, I was the "invisible child" while my mother was busy caring for my bipolar brother and using him as a replacement for my father. She had to have someone to fix.

Obviously, I have serious issues with feeling safe, cared for, and I have a terrible fear of abandonment

I know there is always a chance for relapse and I am prepared to care for myself and my kids financially, but how can I ever feel safe in my marriage when I feel like I always have to have one foot out the door? How is that a good marriage?

Is this just our destiny as an addict and co addict?

[This message edited by NOTINKANSAS at 11:31 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyears: thanks for the info on 7. I was hoping that was the case.

notinkansas,

DO NOT give up hope. it sounds like your husband is where mine is . . .doing everything he possibly can -- 12-step, IC, MC, checking in with sponsor, more present with me and the kids. He is SLOWLY coming around with his emotions. It is INCREDIBLY frustrating to wait for him to really "get it". The process is not linear -- you make progress, then something triggers you and you realize the horror show that your life is. One step forward, two steps back. Sometimes I can not even look at him, and it has been almost a year and a half.

Why do I stay? Because I remember what my husband was like when I met him, what he was like before he started acting out; I remember how much in love we were and how happy we were. I look to the future when we can be that way again. I know he is in there somewhere. It took all these years for these men to become addicts. They are not going to be where we need/want them to be overnight. it is soooo frustrating.

Try to concentrate on yourself -- it took me a long time to do that. Focus on you, and think about how good it will be in the future.


It is the only thing that keeps me going.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
gettinout
♀ Member
Member # 13700
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just finalized my divorce with a SA.
He was not professionally diagnosed but fits all the criteria for one.
(read my profile)
I was just wondering how to heal my self esteem that he blamed all of this on our marriage.
He is living with his current OW and says he is so happy and she is the one for him.
Is it possible,we were just a bad match?


me:51 BS
him:47.serial cheater
DD:20
DS:15
Married: 20 years
Too many affairs
1 OC
Too many false R's
Now he is love with another
Update:DIVORCED..not sure I like it but at least it is the truth!!

Posts: 848 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: somewhere
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettinout,

You begin to heal by going to IC and discussing your pain. Also, find a local S-Anon group. You would be amazed at how you are not alone with all of your feelings there. Work on personal healing and developing a support system.

I wish you well on your journey.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOTINKANSAS,

Hmmmm....I understand the fear. But I think it is important to examine what you fear. You fear abandonment, you fear failure (which is how most people view D). You have FOO issues (I understand!). You hoped that your marriage was going to be special and sacred, as we all did. That you were going to have a different sort of family than the one you were raised in.

I was in that place, too. I am sad to say that our situations have many parallels, as I was raised in a home where I was physically abused by both parents, abandoned by my father emotionally, and had a mother that was definitely mentally ill. Addiction was also a huge factor in my FOO. My H was raised in a home where his father sexually abused him and his siblings, and then abandoned the family. His mother was passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable. When I met my H, I was a young, naive girl who did not understand the difficulties we both faced in having an emotionally intimate relationship or in rearing children in a healthy environment. My H was at a period in his life where he was white knuckling and we were in love. He told me that he had used porn and prostitutes, but I did not fully understand that this should have been a glaring red flag. He had been acting out since before puberty, but I believed that our marriage would be different.

It didn't take more than 2 years into the marriage for him to begin acting out again (probably sooner, but I didn't find out about it until then). Over the years, I believed that if I nagged, loved him, did xyz, that it would be enough and he could quit. All the while, the addiction progressed. I was a terrible mother. So caught up in my H's addiction and the cycle of codependency. I was emotionally unavailable and distant to my kids.

Now here is something I think that has been key in my life. After the last dday, I realized that I had blamed him for so long for the problems in our marriage and in our lives in general. I have always felt like the victim in life. However, through the help of IC with our CSAT, and S-Anon, I have started to take ownership of myself. I am working through that FOO garbage. That is the best thing that has come out of all of this. I am actively trying to be emotionally intimate and present with my children. I have taken a lot of the focus off my marriage, and put it on my own healing. I have let go of the outcome.

Yes, I am cautiously optimistic about my H's recovery. He really is putting in the hard work. He still is not even to the point of addressing his own CSAB, 20 months into therapy. This is a LONG process. You are in the baby stages. I remember in the beginning stages of my H's recovery, I still had so much to learn, and so much work to do (I still do!!!). I focused so much on the marriage. Take that energy and focus on YOU. Work on your healing. The rest will follow. Then whether he recovers and stays in recovery or you end up D, you will be ok.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question:

Does looking at porn always progress to harder stuff? Or can it just stay at porn level? Especially if no FOO is involved?

How can I tell if H has a SA problem? Do I confront him.
I am just not sure about anything at this point.


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