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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 26th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

were deeply affected by their SA dad approaching friends and acquaintances in very public and sexually explicit ways

One of the issues my sons are struggling with still ... years later! If you are staying with an SA who is not in recovery, your children will pick up on this.

One example:

As a family we went to a car show together. Almost immediately we were approached by attractive young woman in a ball gown from a local dance studio. She purposely engaged my H in a conversation about ballroom dancing. My H was posed in a suggestive stance and the young woman was playing the game with him. My then 10 yr old DS said "come on Mom, let's go" and led me off to another part of the exhibition hall. He was very hurt for both of us ... he felt as abandoned, disturbed and discarded as I did.

Children pick up on much more than we give them credit for.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 26th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a surprisingly good weekend. My whole family was here for son's graduation. The ceremony was a nice affair (no pun intended), and we went to a diner after. Then on Saturday we had a small party, again, mostly my family. Today, more food and fun with my family, including watching my niece win the championship softball game. Husband applied for his first job.

I relaxed and rested. Had a few moments of anxiety but was able to breath it away. MC in the morning, then into my job where I have an organized list of things to do.

Even though I don't know how, I'm sure everything is going to be okay. Much better than Friday.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 27th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having one of those days where I just wonder if I can do this. Things are going so well with us right now, but I just have moments where I feel so irrational and this all seems so surreal. (Probably doesn't help that I'm 25 weeks prego with our fourth kiddo.)

I think of the good man that my husband was/is and I can't believe that he did the things he did. And I worry I won't have the strength to continue to work on us if something else happens or if/when he acts out again.

Again, we're doing well. He's working hard, but there is a HUGE stressor at work that has to do with our past. Long story. And my SA is very stressed out, so it's triggers galore for us both.

This sucks how much this hurts. Thanks for letting me vent.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 27th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mamato3,
I just want to let you know I am RIGHT. THERE. WITH. YOU.
I was struggling yesterday. Repulsed by whay my husband has done. Horrified that it never crossed his mind that he shouldn't be doing those things until he had already done them. How on earth could he have thought those things were OK? -- OK enough to continue for years?!

I also want to have a good life with him and our family but am terrified of relapse.

It sucks.

I hope it helps you a little to know that you aren't alone in this.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 27th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all deal with the fear of relapse and slips. That's why we have to work on out own recovery and leave their's to them. I know if my SAfWH slips that I will be hurt and disappointed, but he will be more so, and I will be okay. He has tools to deal with his addiction and I have boundaries and tools as well. And knowing that, I feel safer than I did with just "promises" from him.
@mama The good man is in there. It helps me to think of this addiction as a life threatening illness that took him away from us, now he is in remission and is back. I DO NOT excuse his behavior or rugsweep the hurt or agony he caused me, but it helps a bit to understand the mechanism of addiction, especially since he continues to work so hard to beat it.

On days like this, the S-anon/AA slogans help. My tagline is one I repeat to myself often, even though my personal vision of "God" is far from that of a traditional one. Let go sometimes. We cannot fix everything. Sometimes we just have to let it be...
HUGS to all of us!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2899 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 27th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it helps a bit to understand the mechanism of addiction
understanding has helped me tremendously. Claudia Black explains it well in her book. The chemicals that flood the SA brain cause to the decision-making rational thought part of the brain shut down. It still hurts but it helps me understand why he didn't think of me, our kids, or anyone else when he did those awful things.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably belong here. I am still reeling from discovery and confrontation. I have read the second book recommended, and he somewhat fits the profile, but isnt a textbook case. I am really having a problem with identifying with being a codependent, but am accepting it as a possibility that perhaps therapy can explainto me. Mostly i am coming to terms with my life is forever changed, healing will take lots of time, get him treated will take lots of time, i have to be prepared for lapses/lies/TT regardless of the outcome, BEFORE I can even think about r.

And im not even two weeks out, and wh has no clue what we are in store for. Im on a trip that was planned before it all went down, and i am really glad i went anyway instead of staying home in a vain attempt to keep him "honest". It has allowed me to separate myself from things and get educated, let my kids spend time with family who is not affected by this instead of a deeply hurt parent.

But it still sucks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury,
If you don't feel the label of codependent fits you, don't pick it up. Not every partner is. But you do need to focus on your own healing, right now from the shock and betrayal. Just dealing with that is a lot and it take lots and lots of time. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to make it go faster for you. But, we may be able to share your burden and walk with you on the path that you are on. We have all been there. We know how alone it can feel.

Healing includes taking care of your body (eating well, sleeping, exercising-even if it is just a walk). You need to take care of our cognative self (learning what you can about SA, all addiction and understand a bit about what SA recovery can look like. Finally you need to take care of your spiritual self (that may need moving closer to God as you understand it, experience nature, affirmations).

You need to do all of that before you even make one decision about your spouse. You do not need to be his priest or his mother or his friend. Your focus need to be on you and just you.

Sending you lots of hugs. You will get through this!
Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking a lot about living with the knowledge that my SAH may have a slip. As you all know, I recently found out my h had a full blown relaps culminating in the loss of his job.

I think that by knowing that I could happen, long ago I "packed" my emergency preparedness kit incase it happened. I didn't dwell on the possiblility, but I was ready incase it did. That included a few books that helped me the first time, knowing SI was still here (I've checked in occasionally throughout the years), family and friends that know the whole story. Just like any emergency kit, I always hoped I would never need it, but I was certainly glad i had it when I needed it. Within hours of my discovery I had called friends, spent time talking to family members and was back posting here. I started dealing with my feelings immediately.

So I guess when you live with a SA, it's a lot like living in a 100 year flood plain. It may never happen (a slip or relaps), but you do need to be prepared in case the rains come.

Just my thoughts on a Tuesday evening.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sager for the support. It means a lot. I am not ready to share outside si yet, because i am not ready to deal with others input on this. It is nice to have a haven here.

I am reading tbe third book now, and am feeling better about things. My experience has been more lime the ptsd


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sager for the support. It means a lot. I am not ready to share outside si yet, because i am not ready to deal with others input on this. It is nice to have a haven here.

I am reading tbe third book now, and am feeling better about things. My experience has been more like the ptsd she describes instead of the codependent. After reading the posts in various forums here, the healing library, and then the second book i was wondering why my experience was different. I am not needy, not begging for wh attention. Everything i am asking for is to survive, i have not committed to r or forgiven him. He knows i dont trust him.

He has agreed to mc and even set up the appt for us. He doesnt know yet it will be focusing on my healing and getting him evaluated for sa first, actual mc later if we ever make significant progress on those two things first. I am only still in the house because i am not supposed to make any major life decisions yet. And it will look bad for d and child custody if i leave before making attempts to work it out.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sager for the support. It means a lot. I am not ready to share outside si yet, because i am not ready to deal with others input on this. It is nice to have a haven here.

I am reading tbe third book now, and am feeling better about things. My experience has been more like the ptsd she describes instead of the codependent. After reading the posts in various forums here, the healing library, and then the second book i was wondering why my experience was different. I am not needy, not begging for wh attention. Everything i am asking for is to survive, i have not committed to r or forgiven him. He knows i dont trust him.

He has agreed to mc and even set up the appt for us. He doesnt know yet it will be focusing on my healing and getting him evaluated for sa first, actual mc later if we ever make significant progress on those two things first. I am only still in the house because i am not supposed to make any major life decisions yet. And it will look bad for d and child custody if i leave before making attempts to work it out.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The condensed version of my story isi found out two weeks ago he was seeing hookers. I had enough proof for d and confronted too soon, i hadnt found si yet. I should haved collected more evidence to paint a better picture of how he was doing it and the scope, and i should have had surveillance in place acter confrontation to see what he would try to hide. Then three days later i left for this trip with our kids.

He has admitted to seeing them sporadically for three years. He is compiling a full disclosurefor me which we will work through with a therapist. He has agreed to no porn, no online crap, etc and is not rationalizing or blameshifting, just keeps saying it was wrong and he should not have done it. He tells me where is all day and night while i amgone. He appears to be doing all the things he is supposed to, but i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have read too many storieshere about being burned.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 10:17 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{ hathnofury }}} Big hugs! I'm glad you found this site. I know it's been a big help to me. Is your husband going to find an SA meeting? I would recommend SAnon for you -- it has been a huge help to me by offering support AND education, in addition to SI.

----

NotinKansas:

but it helps a bit to understand the mechanism of addiction
understanding has helped me tremendously. Claudia Black explains it well in her book. The chemicals that flood the SA brain cause to the decision-making rational thought part of the brain shut down. It still hurts but it helps me understand why he didn't think of me, our kids, or anyone else when he did those awful things.

Thanks for posting that. It was VERY, VERY helpful to think of it that way. I have had post-partum depression, so just thinking of it as a brain issue makes me understand the idea of addiction much more clearly.

----

Sager:

So I guess when you live with a SA, it's a lot like living in a 100 year flood plain. It may never happen (a slip or relaps), but you do need to be prepared in case the rains come.

I think you totally hit the nail on the head with that idea! That's just a great way of explaining it and thinking about the possibility of relapse. Thanks for sharing.

-----

My thoughts for today:
Triggers suck. Big time.
Having my SA listen to me as I tell him about my triggers is so helpful though. Maybe he really does get it!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks mamato3. He does not know he is a sa. But i think that is because he doesn't understand what one is. I am not going to tackle his education on my own, i got enough on my plate. I am going to see what this first mc place does, as it does also handle sa issues. If it is not a good fit there is a iitap certified place not far, but that is ALL they do. Wh would have to be educated some before going there.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hathnofury: Our MC was a HUGE help in identifying my husband as an SA. I hope the same is true for you. The same day the MC brought up the idea of SA, my husband attended his first meeting and said it was the best thing he had ever done (and also one of the hardest).

Hang in there!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, for me, I don't want to live in fear that WH will slip or relapse. I've been living with & tolerating this for 16 years. I don't want to go the rest of my life always wondering. My children are young. I don't want to risk them being accidentally exposed to something should WH slip or relapse. I want SA to be AWAY from me! OFF of me! I have given & given & completely lost myself in the process, all in the name of being tolerant or understanding or blah blah blah. ENOUGH!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree naturegirl. I am angry and resentful about having to take care of an addict when i dont know if i can take care of me and three young kids at this point of discovery and confrontation. I cant ship him off to rehab or whatever like you can a druggie. I dont want to go thru his den ial, his tt, finding out there is more, relapses, all the crap that is sure to come. I dont want to live a life where i have to maintain surveillance to ensure he does what a husband should be doing anyway. It sucks.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's IC (not a CSAT - closest one is four hours away) has told him (after two sessions) that he is not SA he just has "sexual tension" mixed with "poor impulse control". This however is after WH only giving him 2/3rds of the story - he hasn't told the IC about the most recent OW and he hasn't revealed the full extent of his porn addiction. He says he just 'hadn't gotten to those parts yet'.

Now his IC wants to see me as well because apparently *I* am stuck in the recovery process but he doesn't even know that I'm less than two weeks out from another DDay!!!

Feeling very lost and not very hopeful right now.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury - you actually can ship him off to an addiction center. There are not many of them - Carnes has one, but my H went to Keystone in PA. It is a regular addiction treatment center and focuses on SA. It was difficult (I had 3 young children then) and expensive (about $10,000 about 8 years ago) but it did make an important impact on him.

naturegirl: if you choose to stay with your H you have to accept SA in your life. It's just the reality of the situation. Yes, he may relaps or have slips. But it is also possible that he may not. Have you considered that alternative?

If your spouse is serious about recovery, if he is really working the program, working with a sponsor, doing the step work and seeing an IC, there is as good a chance as any that he will not slip. Recovery becomes a lifestyle, not the addiction. The craziness stops.

About the kids.... this is something else I learned along my path. It is important to share with kids to the level of their understanding. When mine were really little and wanted to know what meeting their dad was going to we said, "He's going to his bang-the-drums meeting. He goes there to share his feelings with other men." As they got older we talked a lot about addiction. Because their father is an addict my children are at a genetic risk for also becoming an addict. (My H was well on his way of becoming an alcoholic before I met him.) It was just last year (kids were 19, 17 and 15) when we told them specifically about SA. While I would certainly perfer that their father was not an addict, we have had the opportunity to share a lot with them about "emotional holes", positive relationships, self destructive behaviors, repairing relationships,etc. I don't think that would have happened otherwise.

I hate SA as much as the next person. It is a horrible addiction that is more isolating than most of the others. While sometimes I think our society sees alcohol addictionas chic... they see SA as disgusting. It makes it difficult for an addict and his family to get support.

On another note, I had a really honest conversation with my H tonight about ammends. He never got to that step in his recovery work. While I have forgiven him for the things he did a while ago (not the current job related thing), I never felt like he truely tried to make ammends to me. I don't think he has a true appreciation for the damage he has done. I am anxious for that step... because if truth be told, I'm not sure there are ammends enough in the world. I don't think it will ever be enough for the pain that I have suffered. I told him all of that. He said that it was difficult to hear, but he believes it's important to hear those things from me in the long run.

So I ask all of you... do you think your SA spouse will ever be able to apologize enough? What is enough?

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
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