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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl and hathnofury,

You don't have to stay. Especially if your WH does not decide to enter a real recovery, it can be the healthier choice to leave. You need to do what is best for YOU. I know that people like to think that staying for the kids is a noble sacrifice, but it is a fallacy. I wish I would have left and because healthier when my kids were younger. Instead, my kids have been through so much with the last d-day and finding out the truth that I kept so carefully hidden from them. It has done a lot of harm.

Bottom line: Get healthy for YOU, and then evaluate what you can and cannot live with. Even if your WH enters recovery, this CAN be a deal breaker. You are not obligated to stay just because he decides to work on things. It is a calculated risk to stay with a SA, even one in recovery.

Oh, and I don't "maintain any surveillance." My recovery is MY recovery, his is his. My gut will tell me if something is wrong. It always has. I don't play detective, and I don't check up. I have his passwords, but I don't feel the need to look.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager,

On another note, I had a really honest conversation with my H tonight about ammends. He never got to that step in his recovery work. While I have forgiven him for the things he did a while ago (not the current job related thing), I never felt like he truely tried to make ammends to me. I don't think he has a true appreciation for the damage he has done. I am anxious for that step... because if truth be told, I'm not sure there are ammends enough in the world. I don't think it will ever be enough for the pain that I have suffered. I told him all of that. He said that it was difficult to hear, but he believes it's important to hear those things from me in the long run.

So I ask all of you... do you think your SA spouse will ever be able to apologize enough? What is enough?

First of all, why didn't your WH complete the steps? Did he grow complacent in his 12 step program? My H is only on step 6. He is taking his time and working through the Gentle Path slowly. I don't expect progress reports or anything like that, but he does periodically let me know what he is focusing on. I know that everyone works the steps in their own time, but your WH has been doing this for years. It sounds like he relapsed because he forgot that he was powerless and that addiction was cunning and baffling and cannot be managed. I have that cautious optimism that my H will continue to work the steps. He has told me he will attend meetings for life. If not, I will deal with slips and relapses as they come, within my boundaries. I will be ok.

Yes, I think that to ME my H has apologized enough. I forgave him for his wrongs to me already, although he is looking forward to making amends to me when he gets to that step. I am not sure that my H can make adequate amends to some of the others (including our children) that he has wronged. I am not sure that they will forgive him or want his amends. And there are people who he will be unable to make amends to because he has no ties to them anymore. I think the concept of amends is a difficult one. I have talked to the CSAT about when I get to that step that there are people that I cannot make amends to, either. He said that there are other ways to handle it. We shall cross that bridge when we get to it.

I do not have a lot of anger. I am almost 2 years out from my last d-day. Yours is very recent. You have a lot of anger, and rightfully so. Your WH put your whole family in a very bad position. I understand my kids anger towards their dad. He deserves it. They do not have the understanding of his FOO issues or the knowledge that he has been progressively acting out for so long that I was angry already for years. The anger is gone. When I forgave him, I forgave him. Now if there was to be a slip or relapse, I would have to consider forgiveness and my feelings at that juncture.

I guess "enough" is what YOU think is enough. I have enough. But my "enough" is not going to be the same as someone else's "enough". I think that with a spouse that is truly remorseful and working very hard on recovery, it is possible to get to a point where you can put bad feelings behind you. Just my 2 cents.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BWinBC,

WH's IC (not a CSAT - closest one is four hours away) has told him (after two sessions) that he is not SA he just has "sexual tension" mixed with "poor impulse control".

THIS is why a CSAT is SO important! Other IC's are NOT knowledgeable about SA and do not have the proper understanding and training to assess and treat SA. And the fact that the IC is blameshifting onto you makes me really mad! Don't accept that.

Is it possible for your WH to have an evaluation and discuss treatment with the CSAT? Just a consultation? Maybe the CSAT could recommend a treatment plan and an IC that would be better suited to dealing with SA closer to home? What about 12 step? I don't think your WH sounds like he really wants recovery, if he is hiding things and lying to the IC.

Sorry, but this doesn't look good with this IC.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager, very interesting on the rehab. I will look into it but I doubt we could financially or logistically swing it at this time. And i ampretty sure he would have to be at rock bottom for it to be effective. Right now he is a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar.

Thanks allfor the comments and support. I didnt mean to imp,y i *had* to stay. Whati meant is it is best for me to stay at present. He is in theory doing what he is supposed to as far as a wh goes, we have not addressed sa as a re

i am not supposed to make major decisions like leaving right now, so close to d day, as i am not capable.

I need to regain a bunch of passwords and stuff to get access to our finances. We moved in the past year and i lost all that stuff, so i need to get it from him.

Our state will award me mlre spousal support and be more likely to give me full custody if i appear to have tried to work it out but prove him to show continued fault.

Blah blah lah. You get the idea. I am not staying for the kids. In fact one of my goals for mc/IC will benow to minimize the impact of this on them.

I would ,ove to do all this, fi d out what i knowis everything anditwill never happen again, and thatwe are stronger for it. But i do not have my head in theclouds either. The odds are against us. He is not as informed about what is to come as i am.

Basically it sucks.

And sager idk what he could do, how much hecould apologize, etc to answer your question but its too early for me to beable to answer things like that.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyears, i do not intend to live aife of surveillance. I wasntplanning on doing any since i had all i needed for an at fault d. But the more i read here, the more i need to see i have to investigate the scope of the problem to know what to look for, and i wish i had surveillance in place when i confronted. That is when they expose things you didnt know, trying to cover up. I dont want to live life spying on him.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also apologies to all for my typing. This was not a good time to transitionto a tablet for my primary source of i ternet. I look like a drunken monkey, lol. Normally i compose long, well thought out things that are spell cnecked and grammatically correct, and it kills the former copy/production editor in me to see me post this way. But ya cant keylogger a Nook, lol.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I don't know if it's possible for WH to apologize enough, but probably not. I don't know that I can get past this. It strikes at the very core of my being because of my FOO issues, sexual molestation, and rape. That is as honest an answer as I can give. As I told him, whatever therapy or group he attends, whatever work he does on his own to try and get better, it totally has to be ONLY for him & his health. I do not know if it is possible for me to continue a relationship with him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8750 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, you are right, he was complacent in his recovery and was not pushed to complete his step work. Since i don't monitor his recovery I really didn't know what he had done or not done. Now I do. He is very open to sharing what he is working on, where he gets stuck, the assignments his sponsor gives him (and they are really good!). His recovery this time seems to be much more meaningful to him. My family and friends have commented about how much he has changed in the last month. He seems lighter, happier, more talkative and excited about his future. I think his workplace and his boss were really toxic to him. Maybe his having this happen was some sort of a blessing.... but that doesn't change my level of stress and worry about the financial stuff. Actually, if it weren't for the medical insurance I would be able to truely feel his loosing his job as a good thing. Who knows???? I just keep praying that we find our way.

My anger towards the old stuff is now gone. and the anger about the new stuff is fading and is now mixed with great sadness... and maybe a little "what could have been". haven't gotten to forgiveness on the new stuff. And he knows that too.

So while my husband has apologized many times, the apologies have felt more like that of a 15 year old who got caught coming in drunk or something. "Sorry" just to make it be over. I am hoping that his ammends will have more meaning to him with him truly understanding the impact he has had on kids, family, work, etc. I think it is really important to me that I get a "proper" apology.

hathnofury, I agree with TMY about the spying and survillance. It's just for crazy making. And I ended up feeling badly about myself in the long run for doing it. If your relationship is meant to survive he will eventually tell you everything you want to know. If he doesn't, the relationship will find its own end.

I AM glad that I stayed with my SAH. In the long run, even now, I know it was the right decision for me and my family. I know in my heart that he is a good and kind man that loves me and the kids. But he also is sick - and as long as he is in a meaningful recovery, I want to support him as he finds his way. It's what I signed up for 21 years ago.

But I didn't know about his FOO issues when i married him. Frankly, I'm not sure he know about them. i do feel a lot of anger towards his mother in particular. she didn't protect her children from the emotional abuse of the father. And as a mother myself, i don't understand.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question. I posted it in the R forum, but someone suggested I post it in here also.

My situation: WH was "diagnosed" as SA a few months ago. SAWH has said he "can't/doesn't" feel remorse for me for all that he's done. SAWH says he's incapable of feeling it. My IC (partner to SAWH CSAT) says he probably can't feel remorse because of his immature emotional being, and his intimacy disorder. She said that someday he may be able to or he may never, that there's no guarentees.
I've felt like any "apology" these last almost 2 years has been either forced or not heartfelt.

We are coming up on DDay antiversaries and I'm triggering real bad. I vented in General because the wording was pretty bad.

My question:

Would you, as the betrayed spouse, want your wayward spouse to "act" remorseful and "apologize" to you, especially if it's that time of antiversary-year, even if they feel no remorse and any apology comes across as hollow
~or~
would you not want "empty apologies with no remorse" since it would technically be "fake"? But then in not wanting it because of its lack of sincerity, you receive nothing, even when quite visibly triggering.

I'm interested in hearing replies, maybe it would get me to see it differently. The way I see it, I think SAWH should attempt to "act" remorseful and try to show empathy and apologize, maybe in doing so, it may "hit" him and he'd finally see how his choices in his life have affected not only me, but our children, his parents, friends, etc...

[This message edited by momoffive at 11:10 PM, June 30th (Thursday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom2five, i have seen the value of "fake it till you make it" outside of sa, it can be a very powerful tool. But i dont think it should be used if it doesnt help YOU or makes it worse. It feels lime to me my wh's apologies are not on par with my pain, that he cant possibly imagine the magnitude of damage he has done and being sa may not be capable. But the fact he does attempt is better than not doing it, or worse blaming me or whatever. For me anyway. I think that has to be a very individual decision based on the BS' needs.

But again too new to the club, take my input with a very huge salt lick, lol.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If SA/WH can't offer anything honest & genuine, be it a confession or acknowledgment of my pain or an apology, I'm not interested. I have no use for crocodile tears.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8750 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momoffive,

I posted in your thread in general. I will only post a short post here, as I don't want to duplicate my post. I feel strongly that your WH isn't in a real recovery. I say this based on my history with my H. I had caught him acting out many times over the years. It was over 10 years ago in a suicide note that he first admitted he was a SA. I forced him to go to counseling, he would white knuckle for awhile, and then we would be right back at the same place and he would be right into acting out.

Rock bottom, remorse, and real recovery look a lot different than all those times he white knuckled.

If SA/WH can't offer anything honest & genuine, be it a confession or acknowledgment of my pain or an apology, I'm not interested. I have no use for crocodile tears.

I am with Nature Girl; anything less than real remorse is just manipulation, and SA's are master manipulators. My H now tells me that he feels bad because he knows how much he used to manipulate me. My H is extremely remorseful, and it is part of the new him.

I am sorry, but right now you need to take care of yourself. Don't expect anything from him, because he has not really embraced recovery, no matter what lies he is telling the CSAT.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momof5,
Was your H a victim of abuse? From what my H IC has said is that when a person is abused they have a tendency to only grow up to teenagehood emotionally. So maybe the apologies you are getting are as mature as he is????

I think apologies are very, very important. And I don't think they can apologize to the level of pain we have felt. But a heartfelt apology with an understanding of the damage that has been done is really, really necessary for me.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when a person is abused they have a tendency to only grow up to teenagehood emotionally. So maybe the apologies you are getting are as mature as he is????

I've also heard that their emotional age is when they started acting out.

So if that's the case, I'm married to a 12 year old boy trapped in a 42 year olds body.

But quite honestly, and good friends of ours have said with a puzzled look on their face that the way SAWH reacts and the words he says is like coming from a child.
I don't know if he was an abuse victim, I've wondered also. I do know he grew up in a very religious rigid family.

I have questioned him twice when SAWH good friend (who's about 10 years older than SAWH) was arrested for sexually abusing teen boys in the church. He's now serving jail time and SAWH reaction seemed odd. SAWH has denied it (saying his denial word for word) both times even though the questioning was 6 years apart.

[This message edited by momoffive at 8:24 PM, July 5th (Tuesday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momoffive: Yeah, your SAWH's reaction to the friend's arrest does seem strange. Seems like a practiced speech (that his denial was the exact same) . . .that perhaps he was told to say. That's sad that he won't open up to you more.

-------

I'm assuming it's normal, but I've been having doubts about everything. I'm deeply in love with my SA. I know there is a good man in there, and like I've said before, I see that coming back out because he is working so hard on his program and on making family his first priority over work. (He's a workaholic too.)

But then this thought crosses my mind: Would I stay with him if the infidelity had happened and he wasn't an SA? Not that the sex addiction is an excuse, but in a way, it's an "understandable" reason for why he acted out. In a way, I think that if he weren't an SA I wouldn't be able to deal with this at all. The "why's" would be too much.

Does that make sense? I'm so new to this whole idea of SA. It's confusing and frustrating.

And because we are doing so well in our relationship, I actually feel guilty when I have these doubts! Ugh!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend at work asked me, "Why don't I believe I deserve better than my SA husband?" So Mamato3 I kind of understand where you are coming from. It's difficult to explain the "good man in there" concept. It's even difficult for us to understand. I don't know what I would do in all the various senerios that I can dream up. Maybe I would stay, maybe I wouldn't. When I was first married I said I would NEVER stay with a man who cheated on me. But when faced with that situation, the answer wasn't nearly as clear.

I try to stay as present time as I can. I can't go back and re-do the past. No point in worrying about the future either.

I don't think addiction is an excuse unless the addict decides to play a victim and doesn't take his/her recovery seriously. I do think it is a reason. Knowing about addiction and the addict has given a structure of understanding for me. It has given me instruction about what I should expect from him, what I should expect from myself.

What all this understanding does NOT do however, is make the pain, hurt, anger, sense of betrayal, fear, etc. any easier to live through. I still have to go through all the stages of healing and it won't make it go any faster than its going to go.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager: Thank you!!! (God, I'm so grateful to have SI and other people who "get it.") You made me feel a lot better (and normal!). Thanks for sharing.

This is what I really, really need to focus on and work on:

I try to stay as present time as I can. I can't go back and re-do the past. No point in worrying about the future either.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
GeniusOrAFool
♀ Member
Member # 30940
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone please read my summary and tell me what's going on here??

d-day Feb 2005 (LTA) = 6.5 yrs ago
Unable to R due to WH's disinterest; yet, he was happy to remain together, we get along well, parent well together, etc.
I made a decision some 5 yrs ago to remain in the M for the kids as they were shielded from, unscathed and uneffected by our adult issues.
I detached from H ~ let him go and the M go ~ found my 'happy place' to live in my situation. All good really as it was to be a temporary situation with D sometime after the kids were launched (around 2016).

July - Aug 2010 I discover H is cross dressing in my home. I don't really 'care' that he cross dresses/views non-traditional porn/etc EXCEPT that I fear the kids will discover this about him/see him/etc.

Sept 2010, I consult IC for guidance.

By, November 2010, H and I are both in MC and he is faced with ample 'proof' that he has a SA.
Somehow, in all this, H expresses a desire to R the M. I am reluctant/hesitant, but decide to give it a go since he seemed genuinely interested and I felt a return of feelings for him.

Feb 2011 ~ H quit MC when push came to shove that he get SA treatment.

April 2011 ~ I get my ducks in a row and tell H that I am filing for D. He 'moves out' for a couple days, then BEGS me to take him back, that he wants help, will see CSAT, agrees to web filter device to block incomming porn/etc. Claims he wants to be a good H to me, etc.
I cave, allow him back, only with the understanding that he immed begin CSAT sessions and I immed install porn filter. All cross dressing stuff and behaviors were gone. He stopped viewing porn on our family computer.
He has been seeing a CSAT once/week (missed 2 weeks for what I consider lame reasons) since early April.

May 2011 ~ I discover he has an encrypted flash drive, which I decode and discover is full of all kinds of porn (traditional and non-traditional)images/videos/fantasy sex stories/etc. I have not told him I know about this flash dive, but have monitored it's whereabouts and usage. He brings it home every weekend in his laptop computer bag from work. In the very early hours of Sat/Sun mornings, before anyone is awake, he goes into the basement and uses this flash drive.

June 2011 ~ while H is away on a work business trip, I discover that he logged onto an 'old favorite' sexually explicit, 'sissy' web site profile which is all about cd'ing and his sexual interests there.

So, it seems to me that, basically, he limits his porn usage to weekend mornings. There has been no cross dressing in our home. Yet, he still has an interest in cross dressing/fetish/bi-sexual/etc stuff.

At home, since April, he has consistantly been Mr Wonderful Husband...minus a true marriage relationship (no real E/P intimacy).

So, what is going on? He is going to CSAT, but no involvment with support groups/12 step and no sponsor to call for support to get past his ongoing urges. He is happy as can be with limited porn use ie flash drive on weekend AM's and an occasional dabbling while away on business.
What does this mean in terms of 'recovery' or 'sobriety'??
Has he just gone further underground with his SA...and has his CSAT fooled into thinking he is compliant with no more porn since, technically, he is not tapping the internet for it, but instead using his own personal fd library? OR...is he slowly 'weaning' himself off the SA behaviors/interests? Is that a possible treatment regimen??

I just don't know what is going on.

And, the thing is, I have already detached from him again and no longer want a M relationship...and am just hoping to get my children through childhood without drama/trauma/D.

BUT, I will continue to monitor him because IF he ever returns to cross dressing in our home OR back to using our family computer for porn/mb/etc, I WILL file for D due to the risk to the kids.

Thank you for reading all this. Any insight would be appreciated. I just don't know what he is doing...taking me for a fool again? Finding loop holes in treatment?


I'm back together again.
I'm staring in the mirror
and it's been so long
since I've seen you my friend.

~Citizen Cope


Posts: 454 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: PA
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Genius}}} Big hugs to you!

I'm still new to the idea of SA and recovery/sobriety, but it sounds like your SAWH is in some denial. Are you sure his CSAT knows EVERYTHING including his cross dressing and now continued porn usage and Web stuff?

Is it possible that he is trying to hang on to the marriage for the comfort/safety of it? That he can sort of continue his fantasy world on the weekends (and maybe while traveling?), but still be in a marriage? He sounds quite confused about what he wants. And this isn't fair to you, the marriage, or your kids.

I know from our experience that going to a 12-step program has been a VERY important part of my SAWH's path to recovery. And SAnon has been vital to my well-being as well. (Have you considered attending an SAnon meeting?) Have you asked your husband as to why he isn't in a program yet? Or why his CSAT hasn't encouraged it?

I'm not being very helpful, but I'm sure others with more experience will have more insight. My gut reaction to your post though is that he is NOT on the path to recovery/sobriety.

Sending some hugs your way!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GeniusOrAFool,

He is white knuckling and attempting to manage his addiction. It won't work. They always return to the acting out with a fury and it always escalates. He is probably lying to the CSAT. He is not in any sort of recovery. I think you already know that. There is no "weaning" when you have SA. You are an addict and you quit. The addict has to hit rock bottom and feel that their life is truly unmanageable. Obviously, he doesn't feel that this is the case. He feels that he can continue to appease you with seeing the CSAT, lie to the CSAT, and "manage" his addiction within the confines of activity that won't piss you off.

And, the thing is, I have already detached from him again and no longer want a M relationship...and am just hoping to get my children through childhood without drama/trauma/D.

BUT, I will continue to monitor him because IF he ever returns to cross dressing in our home OR back to using our family computer for porn/mb/etc, I WILL file for D due to the risk to the kids.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T STAY FOR THE KIDS!!!! I can't emphasize that enough. I thought I was doing the right thing, bringing the kids up in a home that was not broken, etc. Nope. My kids are pretty darn screwed up. Our youngest sees the CSAT, and the oldest refuses counseling, but has been suicidal and I have been frightened for both of them. Their views on marriage and relationships are so warped that neither one even want to date.

And if you think you can protect them or that he is a good father, he is not. Addicts are NOT good fathers. On the last d-day, when my H's acting out had escalated to the point where there was a police investigation into his acting out, it was devastating to our children to see what sort of slimeball my H had been. They also felt disgusted and betrayed by ME because I had hid his acting out and stayed married to him, a man who started out with just porn, then personals and prostitutes, and progressed to illegal things.

Re-read about the affects of living in a household with addiction on children. Do you want your sweet children to become addicts or marry one? You are setting them up for that, if you stay with a SA who is NOT in any sort of recovery. And your WH is NOT! Do you really think that someday when they are older they are not going to find out what he is doing, especially as his addiction escalates? You won't be able to protect them and shelter them from it forever.

What are you doing for YOU to recover? Detaching is good, but it is NOT recovery. I know this sounded like a giant 2x4, but I have BTDT, and you are playing with fire. You and your children will get burned in this dangerous game with addiction. Thinking that you can live with an active addict as long as he "manages" his addiction is the same delusion as the addict thinking he can "manage" it.

Please reconsider your plans to stay with him until 2016.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

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