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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Genius,

There is NO WAY your h is in any kind of recovery. If he is acting out at all, he is lying about it to you, his IC and most probably, even himself. He has not come to accept the fact that he is an addict. He is not currently experiencing any consequences for his behavior.

You can not live with an active addict and expect to stay sane. You worry and fear about the situation is very present in your post. This will not get any better unless he gets into a real treatment plan (and I agree that 12 step is required) or you need to get out as quickly as you can manage it.

I don't know if your H's CSAT would agree to this, but if possible I would schedule a joint visit where you can disclose the flash drive information. I believe YOU need the support in this confrontation and it is one way to ensure that the CSAT knows the real story. I don't know you or your H, so I'm not sure if this would totally blow up, but at least there would be some there to keep the situation under control.

Your H sounds like a tough case. In patient treatment may be the only way that he gets on the right path of recovery. It also sounds like he may need you to divorce him to grasp the seriousness of his situation.

Regardless of whether your marriage lasts, you do want him to be in a strong recovery. He will always be the father of your children. And the deserve a healthy father, it HE is willing to do the hard work that is a head of him.

Genius, you and your family will be in my thoughts. You have some very rough waters to navigate through.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((GENIUS))))

My SA/WH gave me the keyboard & mouse to his home computer. He no longer uses the computer at all in our home. To me, that's a good sign that he's acknowledging he has a problem and is willing to go cold turkey to break his addiction. It's like an alcoholic stopping drinking. An alcoholic isn't going to slow down their drinking & wean themselves off the booze. They have to stop.drinking.

Question for you: Is your SA actually a transgender individual who perhaps needs to go through the gender reassignment process? Could that be the issue here? I'm just wondering out loud, of course.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my best friends came to me yesterday (she knows almost everything about me and my SA). She's pretty sure her husband is acting out -- at the very least frequent masturbation, porn (at work and at home), and sounds like an EA (possibly more). He's in denial, of course.

Sigh. I hate this for her. I hate this for all of us.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl,

My SA/WH gave me the keyboard & mouse to his home computer. He no longer uses the computer at all in our home. To me, that's a good sign that he's acknowledging he has a problem and is willing to go cold turkey to break his addiction. It's like an alcoholic stopping drinking. An alcoholic isn't going to slow down their drinking & wean themselves off the booze. They have to stop.drinking.

It is good that he is realizing that he has a problem. And you are absolutely right that an addict cannot wean themselves, they need to quit.

However, I also believe that the addict can't just white knuckle it. They need all the help they can get. Is he willing to see a CSAT and join a 12 step group? You can't be his accountability partner. Keeping control of the computer will not stop him from acting out if he is determined to. The vast majority of SA's scan and masturbate. They can act out in so many ways that even though the computer is most often a tool of acting out, it is not the only way by any means.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't usually post a lot about what is going on in my life, but I guess I wanted to share this with someone today. Yesterday my H and I had a joint session with the CSAT. Sort of a session just to touch base together and to continue working on communication strategies.

The CSAT told us that we have a "miraculous marriage". He said that even a year ago he thought we would be divorcing, because my H's acting out was so very devastating, along with our combined FOO issues, and the issues with our children that he felt that we had so much to overcome. He really feels that both of us have made amazing progress.

In the past month I have also begun to see more interaction with the kids again, almost like we are slowly working on becoming a family again.

I don't want to sound like a pollyanna. I know that cautious optimism is always the way it has to be when living with a recovering addict. I know that we all have a long ways to go. It just felt nice to realize that we have made a lot of progress in the last 22 months and that we are getting somewhere.

No real point to any of this post, just wanted to share it somewhere. I don't really talk to my friends or coworkers about SA or what is going on in my life. SA is very isolating.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears:
How wonderful! You and your H should be very proud of yourselves and your hard work. Very encouraging to hear such a strong statement from your CSAT.

And you're right, SA is very isolating. It's nice to have a place like SI to share the good stuff too.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
mamabekay
♀ Member
Member # 32295
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is group therapy alone enough? We met with a new therapist yesterday, a group where both partners have been doing SA work for fifteen years. Neither are fully fledged CSATs, but are both in training for certification. Anyway, they don't do individual work, only weekly group meetings. One group for men, one for women, and the fourth meeting of the month is combined to work on relationship issues. Don't get me wrong, I think groups are going to be essential, but I wonder if it's enough, or if we need to keep shopping for a therapist who will do individual work as well. Thoughts?


Me-BS-28
Him-SAWS-30
four kids (mine & ours) 9,5,3,15months
Dday 13 May 11 and the TT keeps coming.

Posts: 297 | Registered: May 2011 | From: the Rockies
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs genius. I wish i was more knowledgeable to help.

We went to our first mc today. It went okay, and she wants to see us individually before we meet together again. She asked about compulsions and sa-led questions up front, which was comforting to me. She asked that I trust her to be able to make an initial evaluation of it, and that she would rec someone else to do his ic if that was the case, someone in their group with many years of addiction tberapy experience. I know who it is, and i dont think he is csat but is advanced addictions something or other.

I also told dh after the session if this therapist didnt work out there was a center not far that specialized in sa. He said he is open to doing whatever i think is needed. He still really doesnt know what a sa is, but our session seemed to show him that someone other than me might think he is.

Next week i get tested for stds and go to a legal seminar to explore my options in the same day, not long after my first ic session.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So quick question...wh asked if he could read the books i have been reading. I told most of what i have been reading is to help me heal, they werentgeared for him. But that one book might be belpful (out of the shadows) but i wasnt sure if it was the best book for him to read first, i would get back to him.

My main concern is reading up on it now may color his responses in his upcoming saevaluation


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So quick question...wh asked if he could read the books i have been reading. I told most of what i have been reading is to help me heal, they werentgeared for him. But that one book might be belpful (out of the shadows) but i wasnt sure if it was the best book for him to read first, i would get back to him.

My main concern is reading up on it now may color his responses in his upcoming sa evaluation. No problem reading whatever afterward, a good sa therapist should be able to see through alot of the covering lying etc.

Thoughts from tnose that have btdt?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mamabekay,

No, in my opinion group therapy is not enough. SA is a very tough addiction to beat. The SA needs everything in the toolbox possible to combat it. It takes a super high commitment to change and to maintain that change. It takes a life changing rock bottom event, and then all the proper tools to recover. CSAT, 12 step, workbooks, group therapy, etc.

I don't believe that putting in the minimal commitment will bring any long term results. It has to be a complete dedication to lifestyle change. SA is so pervasive in every aspect of the addicts life, even the subconscious behavioral aspects that support the addiction (lying, manipulation, selfishness, etc.). FOO issues have to be worked on, triggers have to be removed, and accountability needs to be built in to a recovery program.

It is overwhelming, and it seems like in many ways recovery has taken over our lives. I don't mean that literally, but all our choices are now colored in the recovery lens.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury,

Ok, so let me see if I understand correctly...so, are you seeing this MC as a springboard to just begin exploring SA? I am hoping that is the case. MC will not accomplish anything until the SA (and the partner, too) are well into recovery. My H and I still do not do MC. Even almost 2 years out we are still focusing on our own recovery and growth.

My main concern is reading up on it now may color his responses in his upcoming sa evaluation. No problem reading whatever afterward, a good sa therapist should be able to see through alot of the covering lying etc.

Are you trying to say that you think that if he knows more about SA that he either will manipulate the situation to look like he is or isn't a SA? I guess I am confused on that one. My H's CSAT did have him read Don't Call it Love after he met with him and diagnosed him. Does you WH think he is SA? Does he think SA is a get out of jail free card? SA certainly is not. It is a lot of hard work in recovery and requires a life time of commitment. It definitely isn't the easy way out.

If he is interested in reading more because he thinks he is SA, I say, why not. Let him read and see if he identifies. I think if he is, the most important thing is to see a CSAT, start 12 step, and to begin recovery in earnest. Just slapping a label on it doesn't do any good. My H first stated that he was a SA over 10 years ago in a suicide note. Just having that knowledge didn't propel him or I into recovery. I really believe in the power of a life changing rock bottom event.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyears,

Yes, i was using mc as a springboard to address many things. I put in the forms we had to fill out my priorities were
my healing
fix his issues, that he was likely sa
help us minimize the impact on the kids through this
THEN address if the marriage could be saved.

I think it was a blow for wh to read that.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 4:55 PM, July 8th (Friday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyearss,

He knows nothing about sa. No idea how he would handle the label. I just know that what i have read colored my responses in the session.

He has not hit rock bottom. That is a major concern for me. And i really dont want to have to wait for to get there to recover.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. I did not put that smiley iin the last post, and for some reason i cant edit it out. That was not the tone i was tryingg to convey.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, I am not my SA/WH's accountability person. He simply gave me the items as a gesture and because him not having any porn ever again in the house was one of my conditions/boundaries. I know he has many other options for acting out. I'm not his mother. He's an adult, and it's up to him to control himself. All I can do is ensure he doesn't bring his filth into the house. Him not using his computer is one way to not have any risk that porn will be in the house.

He is also going to IC as well as two SA groups. He has offered to sign disclosures with his IC and group leader/mentor so I can get proof from them that he's attending & doing his work. I am debating going through with this offer. I just really do not want to be the mother/responsible adult any longer.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nature girl,
It is a careful balance.... you're right, you are not his mother. his recovery is his recover. Boundries are important.... both to keep you safe and to keep him doing the work he needs to do. You do not want to become co-dependent.

But I think the very nature of marraige is that the couple becomes "inter-dependent". I depend on him for the things i'm not good at and visa versa. Legally and financially, our boats are tied together. So in a way, his recovery plays a big role in our future together. So it is in my best interest to be sure he maintains his recovery path. So I want to know because I will make some decisions based on his behavior, but i can not control what he chooses to do.

I also believe that as his life partner, part of my role is support. So I listen, read things, become knowledgeable, offer advise, remind him of his responsibilities. I am NOT my H recovery partner (he has a great sponsor for that) nor and i his therapist (again he has a great one), but I do believe I have a role in his recovery... and that is an evolving role.

I just remembered a Kahlil Gibran quote:
"Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

Well, that's what I have been thinking today.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Content  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have that particular Gilbran book, Sager! Awesome, awesome author. I have two of his books, but am not recalling the other.

I am sorting out what role I choose to play in SA/WH's life. At this point I am not committed to R, nor am I committed to D. I am not in a position of strength right now, though, to have anything to give to SA/WH for support. He has nothing to give me, and I'm empty from years of giving to him & killing what was left inside me. I have enough each morning to care for my young children, and that's about it. I'm NOT willing to take on the role of SA/WH's Caretaker.

Today I've just been wishing that *I* could sweep it all under the rug & continue on like nothing happened. I am tired of thinking about all of this. BUT, I won't rug sweep. I'll carry on, taking my baby steps, slowly but surely finding my way out of this nightmare, finding myself in the process.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl,
I remember that sheer exhaustion of the early days of betrayal! And I remember just wanting MY life back. I wanted normal again.

The good news is that stability will once again be part of your life. You will find your way... we all will.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Sad  Posted: 12:48 AM, July 9th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All. I don't post much here anymore, but I should. My SA WH is STILL down the path to HELL going on 4 years. We are not together--separated 2 years (my profile tells most of it).
PLEASE listen to TooManyYears & the other Wisdom-Ladies here...:)!IF I had the emotional energy right now I'd be telling you the same advice. I've been in S-Anon for a long while--very helpful.
Unfortunately, our therapist actually thought for the 1st year that we were doing AMAZING & our situation was unusually good-fast progress!-we were waaay down the road ahead of normal schedule! We were a model couple going through this & we could eventually start a ministry he thought! Therapist is a recovered SA himself...smart, wonderful man...
BUT.
Guess What? My WH still fooled him for a long while. Snowed everyone in pretend recovery.

THAT is my only caution to you, TooManyYears. I hope your SA WH's recovery proves to be much more genuine than my WH's was (& by far it already is/was). I know you posted some hopeful stuff about your WH & I'm praying all goes well, truly. You are a Blessing to this thread.

I feel for ALL of you ladies. I've been there...am STILL dealing w/ it. My WH has no bottom, apparently...& it's devestating...and I often feel left-out or outta place to hang out in this thread cuz my situation is so bleak.

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 12:51 AM, July 9th (Saturday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


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