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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Frustrated  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TruthorGoodbye - I can only give you my thoughts and experiences - I think it comes down to how your husband sees and treats you. I noticed that I was being used as a physical body to relieve his sexual urges, rather that as someone to share a loving experience with. I'm not sure why I never noticed it before I started reading about SA - stupid, eh? I can only suggest that, as long as your husband (sorry I'm so bad at abbreviations) is making love with you then anything goes!

Whilst I'm here - luckily it seems to go with the general theme at the moment - can anyone give me their experiences on how you know your partner is in recovery.

We're nearly at 1year since Dday and my husband attends SAA weekly and is working through his 12 steps. He's much calmer than he used to be and a nicer person to be around. But that's it - there's no sign of his trying to make it up to me, he rugsweeps every time we have a problem that needs dealing with and he sees the 12 steps as a ticklist - he doesn't do any reading and discusses nothing else with his mentor other than remaining sober.

For example, I have told him I don't feel comfortable having sex with him at the moment- i think it's because we have little intimacy in our relationship . This was 3months ago and never once has he asked why, or if he can do anything to help. I want to discuss it and see if we can sort things out; I've told him this 3 times and asked him to approach me when he's ready to talk. He says he will and then forgets all about it.

He admits to being very lazy and wanting to do a little as possible - is there any chance this might change? I'm posting here rather than General or Reconciliation because I think SAs might differ from indivs who have had affairs, owing to their inability to be intimate.

Any insight or experiences appreciated.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too trusting, i read the articles and they were most helpful. I think i excuted our initial disclosure more or less correctly even without a csat, even if by accident, lol. I know it is likely there is more to come and will not facilitate any more without a therapist third party.

Wh went to his csat evaluation yesterday. It is a big center with a staff of 8 or so that specializes in sa and relatedissues. He did an extensive online questionaire 90 min to fill out) and then met with a csat for 90 minutes to discuss his answers. Wh kept thepaper copy of the resu,ts for me to read, i have not read them in full yet.

Basically the csat said wh does not present like a true sa case. However there are some serious issues that have parallels to sa. He is to go to a followup session and do another assessment to rules out sexual abuse and other things to confirm this.

I am a ,ittle concerned either wh didnt give all the necessary info (either on purpose or accidentaly) to get an accurate diagnosis, or maybe because he is being evaluated now, after he has supposedly disclosed to me, we are working out our parameters/requirements for me to stay, etc. That he is appearing more secure about our relationship than hewas a month ago, etc and otherwise coloring the responses. Or maybe this is standard, the sa lies and they give this type of diagnosis until they go in later when they hit rock bottom.

At any rate i guess it is some sort of progress. Sigh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding sexual intimacy, TooTrustingBW is correct. Before sexual INTIMACY (not F$#king) can occur, a couple needs to be well into recovery. To even discuss watching porn together! (WTF....time to really LEARN about SA and what it is) is so absurd I don't even know what to say! I can't imagine that ANY CSAT would be on board with that! I am so stunned.

I don't mean that to sound like a huge 2x4, but honestly, you need to read up on SA and educate yourself. I know that you are very new to this, but it will take a LONG time for recovery to really take hold.

My H has been in recovery for almost 2 years. I would say that our sex life has only been really comfortable and truly intimate for the last 6 months of that. And even then, I am only talking once a week, maybe twice. By comfortable, I mean no triggers, no fantasy, just being present with each other. Yes, orgasm occurs, but there is a loving intimacy there. We look in each others eyes. It is sweet and passionate. It is not just getting your physical needs met.

A SA needs to be in a firm recovery to be emotionally available. It isn't that we did not have any sex in the last 1.5 years before things started to really click. In fact, there were a few times where it was intimate, but not like it is now. We have done a LOT of work as individuals. We are NOT in MC. We are just beginning, 2 years out, to have joint sessions with the CSAT. There is so much to cover.

Read and learn. Utilize ALL available resources...12 step, CSAT, Recovery Nation, workbooks, etc. Focus on YOUR healing. Wait and see what happens with your WH's recovery. Take the focus off SEX. SA is an INTIMACY disorder. Sex is NOT that important. The addiction could have been drugs or alcohol.

I know that those of you who are new to this don't want to hear that. I didn't understand it either when I was new to the diagnosis. Sex does not equal intimacy. Intimacy may come in time, if recovery does, and then, it is appropriate to consider sex. Yes, I was resentful of the celibacy, but that was because I did not understand the healing that needed to occur. I felt like it punished me. However, further out I know understand and appreciate the progress that we have made.

We have come really far, and I am so grateful, but I always preach cautious optimism. SA recovery is VERY difficult and requires a high degree of commitment. Good luck newcomers on your journeys of recovery, and always remember to take care of YOU!

ETA...Porn is a huge NO! with SA. With SA, it is like telling a recovering drug addict that they could smoke pot or take a different drug than the one they were addicted to. My H (and I would venture to say that most if not all recovering SA's will never be able to view porn again). I think that once in recovery, your ideas about sex and intimacy may change a lot. Maybe that sounds really boring, but with true recovery, the intimacy is far more important than getting off.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 9:10 AM, July 27th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admits to being very lazy and wanting to do a little as possible

runningscared,

This does not bode well for his recovery. My H admitted to being a SA over 10 years ago, but never wanted to put in the effort to really recover, until he hit rock bottom. It sounds to me like he is doing the bare minimum to appease you. Why isn't he seeing a CSAT? You should see him doing workbooks and other recovery activities at home, if he is serious about recovery. But making the statement about being lazy, and wanting to rugsweep does not make me think that he really wants it for himself. And the fact that he doesn't care that you told him 3 months ago that you were uncomfortable with the lack of intimacy in the relationship, and then he didn't follow up, leads me to believe that he really is not invested in recovery.

Going through the motions of 12 step is not going to help in the long run if he is not committed to change. If he is not acting out (with porn or masturbation or in any way), if he is not committed to recovery, he is just a "dry drunk", and will end up acting out again.

There is a huge difference when intimacy is present, and when a SA is really embracing recovery. The difference permeates every aspect of the rSA's life. The changes in my H have been huge.

I am sorry that your WH is not there yet, but remember to take care of yourself and work on your recovery. It is good that you are setting boundaries to keep yourself safe. Can you seek out a CSAT to talk to? Are you attending S-Anon? Think about what a relationship in recovery would look like and what you want. Are you willing to accept living with a SA who is not in a real recovery, but going through the motions? You have choices. Focus on YOU.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, Yes! to everything you said. I wish I had more time and privacy to add more in depth to this forum.

I, too, resented the hell out celibacy in the beginning of my SAH trying to accomplish 90 days of sobriety.
Once I made the decision for me to take sex off the table until I felt more clarity, I was relieved of ANY resentment. So empowered. (this does not equal bitchiness and control)

The added benefit is that I almost immediately discovered that all of the "logic" I had used with myself to convince myself that I was comfortable and ok with sex, and had no self esteem issues was so much denial.

I back up TMY's statement about how long it takes to get to a healthy sexual relationship with an SA. We are at 3 yrs and only now are even approaching the idea of healthy.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had more time and privacy to add more in depth to this forum.

Oh, I know how you feel TTBW about the time factor. I feel like between working and the kids it is so hard to find time for me (and I am working hard at self-care), let alone time to post here. I do read here when I am at work, so I follow along. I just don't have time to post when I am on a long stretch at work.

I agree that taking sex off the table is NOT about control or bitchiness. It is not retaliatory, but taking care of yourself and your recovery. I like the word empowerment. That is an awesome way of looking at it.

I hope things are going well for you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooMany - thank you very much for your response. Having read too many books to remember, including the Recovery Nation site, you repeated all of my feelings and fears exactly. I'm going to give it a year and then I'll have to make some decisions. We've been having mini Ddays for about 4 years and, reading my diary, my gut instinct fears have always been the same.

A CSAT and S-Anon meetings would be very welcome. Unfortunately, here in the UK, they're very hard to come by. Luckily for me, I have the SI and RN sites and a whole library by my bed of relevant self-help books! I've changed myself by setting boundaries, doing my self-care and developing my values so much I hardly know myself!


I'm sorry if my comments re levels of sexual intimacy sounded flippant. I didn't mean them to be - I was just trying to boil them down to something striaghtforward - something this situation definitely isn't.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(WTF....time to really LEARN about SA and what it is)

Toomanyyears, while I can appreciate your experience in the topic, I find no place in these forums for insulting remarks. Isn't SI a place where we are to be respectful of other people? It seems that all of our situations are unfortunate enough without having to be assaulted by our peers.

I never said our CSAT was "pro-porn" nor did I say anything other than WH and myself were brand spanking new at this.

Now, if you were a CSAT yourself, you probably wouldn't be lecturing and disrespecting freshly traumatized spouses of SAs. So, I can only assume that you are not, in fact, a CSAT and that you were probably in my position not too terribly long ago. Either way, I can choose whether to acknowledge you and your vindictive banter. I choose not to.

runningscared and the rest: Thank you for your helpful insight! I look forward to hearing more about you and your knowledge of SA.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TruthorGoodbye...

Not one person "assulted" you.

Members are going to give opinions based on their experience, if that's not what you're looking for, then posting on a message board is probably not the best avenue for you to seek support.

Not everyone is going to agree with the various opinions, but that doesn't make anyone less valuable or worthy.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:43 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192049 | Registered: May 2002
changedreality
♀ Member
Member # 13720
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone heard of "Wipe"? It is a program that basically wipes all the tracks someone creates while using a computer--cookies, pages visited, etc. He told me that it's because he doesn't have a current Norton subscription and his professor suggested it. However, he has had it since March and never mentioned it. He has seen me check the computer several times since then and be puzzled that the only favicon showing was yahoo and did not say "oh, the reason nothing else shows is because I have this program." Is this program a widely used trick in SA?


If someone shows you their true colors...don't pretend they're a different crayon.

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Texas
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all- quick update on what's happening in my life. I'm continuing my job search, more slowly than I'd like but moving forward nonetheless. I asked SAWH if he'd written a draft of the NC letter he said he'd write and he told me flatly, "No I haven't." Then proceeded to verbally attack me, which I expected & so ignored. I don't expect him to write the letter or to follow it if he did, but I felt like I needed to ask him. I won't do it again (ask him to see the NC letter). I need to schedule an appt. to see my dr. about more ADs. I think I'm sliding more and more. I'll keep you updated as this develops. On a more positive note, he's just signed off on an old jalopy 2nd hand car for me, so I won't have to ride the bus so much once we've actually completed the purchase. He has agreed to put the car in my name only- an amazing event, I assure you- as long as I carry the insurance. Which he'll pay for until I'm working, but hey..it'll be a car. For me. The purchase is dependent on his bonus checks coming at the end of August and the middle of September, but he's desperate to 'give YOU the car you need so you don't have to take the bus and you can go to work.' Yeah. Ok. I'm sure you don't have any ulterior motives. What else? He's going away for nearly 10 days to be camp nurse up in the mountains and he's taking DS 15 with him. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it.

That's it for now, I guess.

~Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

I am glad to hear you are making steps forward.
Progress. I know it is slow in coming, but even an old car, and a reprieve from you WH are all things that will give you some peace. I hope you have some plans for yourself while he is gone. You deserve the break.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 10:30 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Eudaimonia
♀ Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Members are going to give opinions based on their experience, if that's not what you're looking for, then posting on a message board is probably not the best avenue for you to seek support.

You know what, Deeply Scared, you are absolutely right. The freedom of open expression of opinion here is probably one of, if not the main thing that drew me to SI in the first place.

Thank you for reminding me of that!


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone for addressing my questions about sex with an SA. Very interesting perspectives.

Someone mentioned that I should consider that I'm the one not feeling intimate and having issues with having sex. I think my issue boils down to my character defects of wanting to have control and power over my SA. I worry that I'm using sex to continue the control and power (or to take it back perhaps).

Having read everyone's responses, I'm feeling a lot better about it. And honestly, I think it's because our communication skills have improved so much. Our closeness and intimacy come from being open and honest and deep talks . . .and then we may or may not feel open to having sex.

I've realized that it's OK and not enabling him if we BOTH want it for the right reasons and if we're both present in the moment. I hope that makes sense!

ETA: I also realize my pregnancy hormones are increasing my libido, so that's made for some interesting discussions with my SA. ;)

[This message edited by Mamato3 at 7:34 AM, July 28th (Thursday)]


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
watchingU
♀ Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This feeling of believing he is still acting out but not knowing is about to kill me. I am so depressed and withdrawn and I feel so trapped in this relationship.
Any of you who remain in the relationship even though you feel the activities continue, please tell me how you find peace. I read Codependant No More and I try to do all the steps and I try to detach, but damn, is it even possible to live with an active SA and not go crazy. I've become a personality like him, living in duplicate worlds, the one that I show to the outside world, and the secret one, where my life is total Hell on earth.
I cannot prove he acting out. It is truly just a gut feeling. But it's killing me just the same.
I know there are some of you out there in SI who feel trapped because you are older and in a long term relationship and financially have to stay. How do you cope day to day???
I hate my WH and that feeling is eating me alive. I also hate who I have become.

WU


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 520 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you need proof?
Do you feel it?
Trust yourself. That is one of my biggest hurdles; second guessing myself, defending my feelings, and trying to explain.

Focusing on the need for "proof" keeps you from focusing on caring for yourself. Once you are able to just believe yourself, you don't feel as though you are wrong to detach. Takes away the crazymaking.

It's kind of like that relief when we do find proof. "Aha, I KNEW IT!"
You do know it. Now take the next step, even it is just a deep breath.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I am not sure if I my H is a SA. I am having strong suspicions. We started with denied A(last summer)
I never/still don't buy his story. He is going to IC(10 months)In the meantime, I get a gps on him and what I am seeing is a pattern to adult book stores.
Now, I knew he looked at porn. A few years after we were together (now 24 yrs) I found magazines.
I didn't like that and said as much. After a bit he did discard them or hid them better (I didn't see them)
Next I find hidden (of course) video's. It was basic porn with a few extra x rated stuff.
I really was not into checking up on him so to speak.
But since I uncovered the A of some sort. I have been hyperviligent about finding out more.
I was expecting contact with the OW or something. What I didn't expect and is catching me off guard here...is the extent he is visiting these Adult stores.
I should mention too that there were signs of something not right about 2-3 yrs ago. He was having ED problems with me, was avoiding sex (not like him at all), getting snippy with me.
When I found out about the EA/PA? I also found viagra and he was shaving his privates. Which he said was for me but geee...I wasn't reaping any benefits behind it.
Anyhow, back to the gps and whatnot. I am not finding anything suspicious about him meeting anyone.
He visits the adult stores about 3-4 on a regular basis. This would wax and wane, like maybe 1-2 a week.
There was only one that I was not aware of and I investigated it by calling.
It was hard to understand the man as he had a heavy accent.
I googled the place and most of the comments were from 2007/2008. I was sick when I read what I read.
It seemed to be a meeting place to have sex or be serviced.
Well,this past week, H went there 2 days in a row (he usually only hits there once a month)
First day was 45 minutes and the 2nd day was an hr.
It is about 15 minutes from my job so the 2nd day, while he was there I decide to go.
Unfortunately, he exited the place before I got there.
BUT since I was that far, I decide to go in.
The place has hundreds, hundreds of videos, as well as sex toys for sale.
The owner gave me a tour...in the back they have video booths, where you can watch and do whatever there.
OMG..between reading about the place and seeing it..I feel sick and disgusted.
I am now feeling that H might in fact be acting out with others in the place, (women/men/vouyerism/exhibitsim(SP)?!
I am just not sure of anything at this point!
I feel sick and scared. I know H has alot of FOO issues from growing up, from abandonment, sexual abuse and beatings.
I have read enough to understand it is not about me and it is about him.

What I am not prepared for is the possible tip of the iceberg this could turn out to be.

At first I was relieved to see that there were only viewing booths but now I wonder if I really got a full tour? What about the booths?...what if they have holes in them so you can be "serviced" by the guy next door...sorry if tmi...but I didn't look that hard to see if there were any. These are called glory holes, can be serviced or watch/be watched acting out.

I am in deep sadness not just for myself but for my H. He is a good man but wow, he is not well and that really saddens me greatly.

My question at this point is .... How do I deal? I can't confront since he doesn't know I am tracking him with the gps.
I do not want to reveal my sources. He is in IC for 10 months but even tho the guy is good, I am now concerned that the SA will not be addressed since I am sure this guy is not cerified in that area. He may have general addiction experience so don't know if that will help somewhat.
Although, even with the IC,I see no change in the store visitations and OH...I forgot to mention that this past yr the porn has been more of kinky stuff, fettish stuff.

My gut is telling me I am dealing with SA but I know that only a expert can diagnose this.

So, where do I go from here?
I am seriously thinking of hiring a PI to go to the place while H is there to find out if he is acting out with others there. This will give me info not only for me but also to be able to confront him about this.

Please give me your thoughts and advice on this. I am at my wits end.

I am thinking of making an appointment with a CSAT, for myself! Not to control anything but to learn more about it and gain some skills for myself.

I am doing some reading and boy talk about headaches and anxiety. It is almost too much to bear and I still don't know anything yet! I can't imagine if I do know how I will cope.

Well, as always I am grateful for this site and your wisdom

Sorry for any misspells etc.
please feel free to ask for any clarifications on what I wrote. I feel a bit discombobulated.

[This message edited by cheetabump at 12:54 PM, July 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
beachgirl65
♀ Member
Member # 32913
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh CheetaBump - You are so not alone.. I just found this place the other day and just knowing I am not alone.. knowing I can share my story has helped me immensely. My husband, also, enjoys kink of all kinds.. I found out about his crossdressing over 20 years ago while pregnant with our daughter.. I stayed.. I accepted him.. Over the years I have found texts from women.. I have found emails.. I have found ads on dating sites.. I have found ads on craigslist. I have believed him when he has told me that nothing has ever happened.. he just likes the 'danger' of the ads.. the texts.. the emails.. although he would NEVER jeopardize our marriage by actually having a PA with someone. In my heart of hearts I know this is BS but still I stay and still I try to make HIM feel better by assuring him that I don't think he is a freak. I suspect there have been OW or OM but have no proof.. It exhausts me to watch what he does.. I have thought about GPSng his car but the thought of that exhausts me as well because once I am finally confronted with actual PROOF.. then what? I love my life.. I love my husband.. he is my best friend.. I don't want to be forced into upending my life.. I love him.. but I hate him.. I hate him for putting me in this position with his selfishness. If this was the life he was going to lead he should have never asked me to marry him. I know I need to see an IC.. for me.. he admits he has a 'problem' but he won't go get help for it.. Although in all honesty I have never asked him to go get help.. Until I got on this site I never really thought there was hope for someone who is an SA.. do they ever really get cured or do they just go deeper underground?

So all of this to say - you are not alone.. I am there with you.. I know what you are going through..

I am just so grateful I found this place. For the first time in 20 years I have someone to talk to.. it has been bottled up inside of me for sooo sooo long .. eating away at me.

One day at a time. That is what I am hoping for.

Thank you all.


BW (me) - 47 WH (him) - 51
Married - 22 years / together 24
1 daughter - 20 years old - away at college D-Day: Too many to actually remember
He - SA.. sissy sub CD
Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face!

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs cheetabump,

Sorry you find yourself here. Honestly, with a childhood history of physical and sexual abuse, along with the other things you are mentioning, I would say that the probability that he is a SA is very high. My H came from a home where he was abused on all levels, and began acting out around age 10. SA's generally begin acting out young, and the addiction progresses to stranger and stranger things to get that high, to numb the underlying emotions that they don't want to feel. So, more than likely, your WH has been acting out during your entire marriage, you just weren't aware.

I think reading up on SA (and 7 has some great resources available on page 1 of the thread) and seeing a CSAT for yourself are terrific ideas. The thing with SA is that it is progressive and it doesn't just go away. The SA has to hit rock bottom and want to change. You are right that regular IC will not help. SA is a very difficult addiction to beat.

I read your other post in general about the lawyer. SA is also a family disease, and has affected your children, as well. I know that the affects on my children are the part that make me so sick. I hate seeing what living in the dysfunction of addiction has done to them. I think I spent so many years monitoring, tracking, and trying to catch him. It took a lot of time away from our children and it made me feel like I was crazy. I would carefully consider what more you need to know right now. You know he is acting out.

The most important thing you can do is focus on YOU right now. I know that is easier said than done, but you need to heal. You are damaged by the craziness of living with a man that has sexually neglected you in favor of a crazy fantasy. BTDT. That part really screws with our self-esteem. My H seemed to have problems getting it up and never wanted sex, either. Hmmmmm...probably because he was very busy getting his needs met elsewhere.

I think you are in the right place, and you are really beginning to see what it is you are dealing with. Utilize the resources, and do make that appointment. Please, take care of YOU. YOU are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

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