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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Angry  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am pissed!!! Stupid, stupid SAH!!!! Found him on the computer, clicking off the internet when I came in the room... never a good sign. Confessed that he has been visiting "erotic" story sites. Doesn't tell his sponsor. Doesn't tell his therapist. Doesn't mention it at any of the 7 meetings he goes to each week. When i ask how the recovery is going, doesn't mention he is struggling. Evidently this has been going on for 3 weeks. I just want to ring his neck!!!!!!!!!!

Good thing my D is out of town. He can go sleep in her room for the rest of the week.

Edited because I can't type or spell when i'm angry

[This message edited by sager at 8:57 PM, August 13th (Saturday)]


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sager))) I am so sorry. I am happy to see your strength that you are pissed instead of where I would be.

I hope there is not more he is keeping from you. Is he going thru a tough time with something that he upped the anty? Sounds like something is going on.

Hang in there!!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{sager}}}}

Maybe you catching him in it and him admitting it to you will finally give him the guts to tell his therapist/sponsor/groups. Sometimes getting caught can be quite motivating. Big hugs to you. I'm sorry.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sager)) and ((hereIamagain))

I'd be mad and upset if I were either one of you, actually. *sigh* Recovery is such a hard road to walk.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn, yes... he was going to fight his job loss through arbitration. But the union attorney said that it was unwinable. So he resigned (got a great deal too). His acting out started right when his attorney said he should settle instead of fight. Of course, he didn't see the correlation until I mentioned it . What really scares me is how self-un-aware he is.

Mama, I really didn't give him a choice on telling his sponsor. In fact, I insisted that he make a call immediately. And he is off to his meeting now, so I expect he'll let the rest of the group know. It just pisses me off the he has to get caught to realize he is in trouble.

Sabrina, recover is a drag... especially when it is not going well.

So I think I'm going to up the ante a MC this week and insist that we discuss separtation. i was pretty clear when this all went down that I was not going to be tolerant of misbehavior. I don't think I'm ready to go down that road quite yet, but he needs to know that I am prepared and willing if he doesn't get his act together quickly.

I also get pissed off because he acts like he is the victim... like he's a poor addict who can't help it. PLLLLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!!!!! I listed almost 15 things he could do when he has an urge. Did he try any of them???? when he had the slip, did he do anything to stop it in it's tracks????? Good grief! He has been in SLAA for 10 years, in therapy for 10 years, has been in in-patient treatment. Short of a lobatomy, I don't know what more treatment there is for him.

The only good thing is that he is feeling guilty, so I have been getting some work out of him today. I am so tired of the house being in the process of being painted, that we almost got it finished. We are down to just about 3 hours to touch-up work. I'll be so happy when I'm not covered in blue and white paint!

Thanks to you all for your hugs and support!!!!

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
MySonshine
♀ Member
Member # 32252
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am mysonshine and I am powerless over my WH's SA and I am exhausted. I have been trying so hard to fight for the man I love to realize he is not the man he should be and its just not working and I am devestated. It also hurts so much because he somewhat tries, but he just doesn't get it. He has been to 3 meetings with his CSAT and 5 meetings with SLA and he is already on step 8. So now I am the bad guy for not seeing his change and praising him for his progress. He has bought 0 books to work on his recovery because they are too expensive and we can't afford them, but he can afford to sweep me off my feet for a weekend getaway? The only work I have seen him do on his recovery at the house was to fill out an online survey about SA and email the results back to his CSAT. AHHHHHH! How am I the bad guy for not believing in his change? I feel like this is another game he is playing that he is doing just enough to make it look like he is doing what's right but on the inside he is the same dishonest man. I am mourning the loss of the husband I thought I had, the marriage that I thought I had, and the future we were supposed to have. I am sad because I think for the first time I am not falling for his tricks and I am realizing that he is a SA and that's not going to change. I am scared because I think I am realizing that its my time to walk away and I have soooo much confusion/guilt over this. I had always thought through sickness and health till death do us part, but now I don't think I am strong enough to make it through this sickness. What kind of woman leaves her sick husband when he is "trying" to get help? Then the kids. My heart breaks for them that they are having to go through this. It is affecting them and I don't know what to do to protect them. I think what I would do if they came to me and said they were in my situation and I know I would tell them to leave to protect themselves. So why can't I do that for myself? Ok well enough of my ramblings for now. My oldest start preschool in the morning and then we have a MC session. One step at a time....


BS-me 28
WH-28
Too many DDs to count.

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Colorado
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ mysonshine~


How am I the bad guy for not believing in his change?

You arenít the bad guy at all, your SAWH is deflecting, trying to distract you from noticing he isnít doing the work.

? I feel like this is another game he is playing that he is doing just enough to make it look like he is doing what's right but on the inside he is the same dishonest man.

This is probable. I know this is what my SAWH is doing. Someone else with more advice is sure to come along. Itís common for the SA not to really Ďget with the programí right away. I think it's common for SABWs (new acronym I just made up, lol) to be suspicious and untrusting. It takes a very long time to heal from betrayal, and addiction only magnifies the work needing to be done.

I am scared because I think I am realizing that its my time to walk away and I have soooo much confusion/guilt over this. I had always thought through sickness and health till death do us part, but now I don't think I am strong enough to make it through this sickness. What kind of woman leaves her sick husband when he is "trying" to get help?

Iím scared too, there are very few BSí who arenít, IMO. I think itís normal to feel confused and guilty about staying vs. leaving. It took me a very long time to decide but I still have moments of doubt. They pass, but I still have passing moments when I think ďmaybe..if onlyĒ etc. Iíve decided I canít build my future on maybes and if onlys. If you decide you can do this, SI can help you with that. If you decide youíve reached your limit, SI can help you with that too. What Iím about to say is my opinion only, I offer it only as a nugget to think about- even if all you do is say ďOMG! Sheís crazy!Ē lol Iíve 3 older kids (a teen and 2 college age). Just as much as younger kids I feel they need a healthy parent, and in my situation that means me. My story is in my profile. My SAWH is spiraling. I need to save myself because Iím worth more than how heís treating me *and* my kids need one of us to be functional. Donít get me wrong, I know there are SAís and spouses out there who can heal and reconcile and I wholeheartedly support that- but I canít wait for my SAWH anymore. Take some time and decide what to do, each personís timetable is different.

So why can't I do that for myself?

Maybe because youíre not ready. Maybe because youíve spent so much time doing for others that itís uncomfortable to decide to do something for your own benefit. *Raising my hand for this one* Maybe both. Maybe neither. Youíll be ready in your own time.


Hugs~

Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sager: I don't know what is going on in your SA's head, but I do know that my SA changed once I filed. I found out about the porn/OW, etcm in Feb2010; I filed for divorce in Sep2010 once I got the money. I asked him to leave in Dec2010 because there were police calls and abusive behavior.

I learned a lot from all experienced SABW (thanks Sabina) that addicts start paying attention when you no longer cry and stand up for yourself. What's he doing now? Still lies, no confession, denial about the addiction, BUT he is doing everything for me. I believe from guilt. Last nite he was stating the typical SA things, victim, all or nothing thinking...I don't love him, I'm showing I don't care..blah,blah blah. Can they change their internal wiring? My guess is no. I think others learn to deal with it...cope with it. Work around it.

Mysonshine: I have the exact same feelings. My kids like having him around but for me; I am having seconds thoughts about raising my kids as a single mom. He just does too much for me right now. I don't want to struggle. Even though I filed; he says he wants to rebuild our M. He still lies to me about the affair with the OW who lives 5 blocks from our house!

There was someone else on here who said "we are living together as friends....for the kids, its cheaper then divorce AND he is doing everything for her". Ya know I read new begiinings sometimes and although they may be getting sex and attention every now and then; they are still lonely, looking for love BUT on top of that..struggling financially, dealing with kid issues and the fallout of the divorce.

Yes, if my kids were older; I would have been outa there so much earlier. I feel for you and know what you are going thru.

Think carefully what you want and can accept.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
MySonshine
♀ Member
Member # 32252
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the support and words of wisdom! We had a MC session today and last night when I posted I thought I would be telling him I wanted to D, but instead I gave him 3 weeks. 3 weeks to come clean. In 3 weeks I want all the indiscretions out on the table. In 3 weeks I want all the lies and secrets and hidden truths out on the table. I don't care if that means he has to see his CSAT every single day or if he has to take off work or what but in 3 weeks it is to all come out and after that if he lies to me or hides anything from me I am done. He has had 3 months of TT and I am over it. I can't go on waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't go on being lied to. I can't go on only being told the truth after he is backed in a corner. I don't know if its possible for an SA to meet these demands or not but I didn't marry an SA I married my faithful husband who was my best friend and told me everything. If I can't have that man I'm done.


BS-me 28
WH-28
Too many DDs to count.

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Colorado
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MySonshine,

He has been to 3 meetings with his CSAT and 5 meetings with SLA and he is already on step 8.

That point totally stuck out in your post. There is NO way he is on step 8! Probably not even comprehending step 1 at this point! My H is almost 2 years into recovery and is just wrapping up step 9. The 12 steps are not a check list that are rushed through, but points of change that take time to process. Working the steps is part of a process and a journey. Your SA is not getting it, and is NOT in recovery, but going through the motions to appease you.

The hard thing about SA is that if they don't want recovery for themselves, it won't work. I realize that you want to "help" him, but at this point, you need to put on your own oxygen mask for YOU and for your kids, too.

Baby steps....what are you doing for YOU? Counseling? 12 step group (which is VERY empowering)? Self-care? Take care of YOU. Set boundaries to protect yourself, and begin working on becoming healthier again to be a better person and mother.

Sabina is giving excellent advice based on her situation. She is seeking help and empowerment for herself, and working slowly on her exit. You don't have to leave tomorrow, but you do need to take care of YOU. Otherwise you will be in this same place, only worse, a few years down the road. We get sick along with them. We get wrapped up in checking on them and obsessing over their behavior. That takes time out of our lives and our ability to be there for others, including our kids.

Hugs to you, it is a difficult position to be in, but you are not alone.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sager,

I am sorry, but it sounds like your SA is still in a state of relapse. 3 weeks is not a slip, but definitely a relapse. I am glad you have boundaries in place. I hope you are taking care of YOU during this time, too.

Acting like the victim is also addict behavior. Justifying the acting out is what my H used to do. He deserved it because.....fill in the blank with reasons, anything from I was a bitch to work was stressful.

I think the hardest thing about being married to a SA is that we cannot control it and we cannot be the agent of change. It is all on his shoulders at this point. You can only maintain your own boundaries and take care of YOU. He has to want it, and if losing his job wasn't rock bottom enough, it makes you wonder what is. This addiction is a tough one.

Hugs to you, and take care of yourself today.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mamato3,

Yes, I am working the S-Anon steps. I have the blue workbook. Admittedly, I have slacked off since March, because I have been spending a lot of time in IC with my CSAT working on FOO issues, and my homework for that has been pretty intense.

I do have a sponsor, someone who has been in the program for 14 years. She is invaluable!

I find that for me, working the steps is good because it brings the focus to my personal healing. I have a lot of healing to do. I have come a long ways, but I am not there yet. That whole progress, not perfection thing. I have to take responsibility for my part in my family's dysfunction. I have NO responsibility for my H's previous acting out. He owns that. But I do have to take ownership for the fact that for many years I was obsessed with his behavior to the point of detaching from life and my children and self-medicating with work and alcohol.

I also find that it ties in nicely with my work on FOO that I am doing in counseling. I came into this marriage broken, too. For both of us to have a healthy and recovering partnership, we have to both be whole.

So, that is where I am at with the 12 steps. I think that even if you are not doing them, but going to S-Anon, that it is still empowering. I think the steps for the SA and for us recovering are not a check list to get through, but a process of personal growth, and for some of us (myself included) it takes longer to get there.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits,

There was someone else on here who said "we are living together as friends....for the kids, its cheaper then divorce AND he is doing everything for her". Ya know I read new begiinings sometimes and although they may be getting sex and attention every now and then; they are still lonely, looking for love BUT on top of that..struggling financially, dealing with kid issues and the fallout of the divorce.

Gently, I have seen your posts in NB asking questions about dating and so forth. You really need to focus on YOU and your healing. Thinking about love, sex, romance, and companionship are putting the wrong things first. If you truly believe your WH is a SA, what are YOU doing for YOUR recovery? IC? 12 step?

You seem very focused on the security aspects of marriage. I am not trying to trivialize these things, but if you are willing to "accept this", don't expect any change to occur in your life. 5 years down the road do you still want to be living this life where you are focused on his activities? That is so draining. BTDT.

And SA is dysfunctional and damaging to children. Growing up in a household of addiction, secrets, and lies WILL warp their views on relationships and intimacy. Staying for the kids is never the right decision, IMHO. I did that for too long and ended up with angry, depressed teenagers who think marriage is a farce. I have went through some major crap with my kids in the last 2 years. Even though I thought that I did such a good job of protecting them from this addiction, but no, they are pretty messed up. I don't know if it would have been better if I had left him 10 years ago. Yes, I would have struggled some as a single parent, but maybe they would have had more respect for me, too, not to put up with the stuff I have.

I think the fact that your WH has been abusive to you, is not remorseful at all, and is trying to rugsweep to maintain the facade do not bode well. Get help for YOU. Find out why you are willing to accept abuse and lies in your relationship and build some boundaries.

Please, take care of yourself! Your kids need you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears: I really do always appreciate your honest and candid feedback! It has helped me to truly come to some decisons that are best for me. I have also learned a great deal from your experience.

Yes, I am wrapped in the security of M. I see my niece with 2 kids and a single parent struggling. Me and SAWH were separated for 5 months before he came back to the house. I couldn't legally keep him out because he is still paying for it. During this time, I went on vacation with the kids by myself, joined a gym, went out lots with my family and have had some really great times, but still felt lonely.

SAWH has said that we have a lot of talking to do and wants to go to MC.he says he wants the M. I had good CSAT tell me the with him the truth will come out.

I lurk in new beginnings because I wanted to see how it is out there in datingland. This is part of my decision-making process. I just see me struggling with things I don't want to.

Now, while he is here living in another room; the kids have him here and can still have his support financially and when it comes to the kids, we do get along about everything. We are on the same page on evry point on how to raise our kids and most days he asks me what I want first and goes with that. He is on antidepressants now and is in weekly 12-step IC. I just don't think that I want my kids lives intruded upon like that. Oh I have a view to the other side with men at work hitting on me and buying me lunch.

I struggle with my sense of family, the nucleus, unit. The honorable wife, mother role. Not only does it impact my 3 at home, but we fostered children and have much older children and grandchildren.

I so thank you for you continued support! I guess I am now on the fence, but he's going to have to kick me off the divorce trail really hard.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1239 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
HereIAmAgain22
♂ New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two weeks since a partial disclosure. She's in counseling and going to 12 steps now. But can't be honest with me yet. I know enough to think that this is certainly SA. What boundaries do I set? For myself and not to manipulate? With our counselor she says she can't be honest and if I ask questions she will just lie to me - yes I guess that's honest. What boundaries can I set? At night she's staying at the neighbors' house. Then maintaining the house and kids per usual during the day and doing decent at that. But I can't insist on NC I wouldn't get the truth anyway. I'm at a loss as to if there are any boundaries or if I just have to sit here and wait for my fate until she can be honest. How long will that take? Do I just ignore all this, take care of myself and then decide later if our M has a chance? I feel like I should set some boundaries but am at a total loss (can you tell???). Thanks for any input or suggestions.


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
MySonshine
♀ Member
Member # 32252
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new so take what say with a grain of salt because I don't have much experience. Boundaries are for you and your kids to stay and feel safe not to manipulate your WW into doing what you want. There is a link on the first page of this thread to a great article on boundaries. I am 3 months out from my dday and just found the courage, strength, and knowledge to set boundaries with WH. Also make sure that you clearly define what will happen if the boundaries are crossed. For example if my WH is ever physically or sexually abusive to my kids or me I will press charges, get a restraining order and file for divorce. This has never been an issue for us but I didn't ever dream my WH could/would ever physically cheat on me so I made sure all bases were covered when I set out my boundaries with him. Most boundaries I made were basically that active addiction (whatever form) needs to be dealt with on his part and if he isn't actively taking measure to get help for the addictions I will not stay. It is his recovery and how he does that is his business but I will not stay married to an active addict. I would suggest going to S-anon or alanon. I don't have sanon here so I'm having to do alanon but it has been so helpful for me to know how to deal with my WH vs his SA. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't change it. What I can do is manage how I react.


BS-me 28
WH-28
Too many DDs to count.

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Colorado
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to vent and dont know where else to turn but you all.

First my life is a mess. My dd isnt registered in school! Im scared to go back to him and also not ready to quit. Im also scared of what he will do if I dont return (back to his tricks).
Also sort of in denial he is an SA.

But mostly I feel like... and I know you will say its not tru... I did cause him to do this. I really am partly to blame. Not fully. But partly.
I hurt him a lot. I alienated him. I pushed him away. Thats when he turned to this. I dont think he had problems with emotional intimacy before (or now really) and I read that is the root of SA.
Im also feeling incredibly guilty that I didnt confront him alottttttttt sooner. At the early stages. Then he would not have gone so far. He would not be an addict.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
MySonshine
♀ Member
Member # 32252
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, August 16th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh driving big hugs! You didn't cause it! He made the choices on his own. He convinced himself that it was ok to go outside of your M. So things got tough why didn't he seek counseling or try and work things out instead of sexually acting out? My WH says he acted out because I was more involved with other things, however he made no steps to change the situation other than acting out. I tried to get him involved with the family but he was having too much fun with the rush of SA. I remember him complaining that we never did anything as a family yet when we were out at the park as a family he totally ignored us and texted (didn't know who at the time) his OW. Now I know we aren't all perfect, but please don't be so hard on yourself. Go enjoy a cup of coffee or read the comics in the paper. Again big hugs to you!


BS-me 28
WH-28
Too many DDs to count.

Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Colorado
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iíve been down here in ICR Spouseís of SAs for a while now, if youíre unfamiliar with my story itís in my profile. TMY has been encouraging me to be proactive on this issue, as have my therapists, for quite a while. Because of FOO related fear and sexual abuse when I was in middle school, I struggle with initiating and maintaining a non-sexual relationship with SAWH. I last saw my IC two Fridays ago and she looked at me and said, point blank, ďdo you realize youíre an abused wife?Ē I was shocked, but not surprised and I didnít deny it, but I certainly hemmed and hawed and beat around the bush with her. Finally she said, ďno one will feed you- you have to reach out and help yourself. I think you need to call domestic and sexual violence outreach services in this area and see what they can offer you in the way of services.Ē Due to various scheduling issues I havenít been back to see my IC since that discussion (Iíve a session this Friday) I think that has been a blessing, though, because it forced me to acknowledge that Iíve allowed fear to rule my decision making process for far, far too long.

So Iíve made my time between sessions productive. It helps that my S-Anon sponsor has been encouraging me to reach out as well. So Iíve made phone calls to county social services, housing assistance department, the sexual assault/rape hotline, domestic violence hotline, etc. Let me tell you, itís tough finding help. It isnít as easy as simply phoning a number in the phone book. Iíve dug and dug for resources. However, that forced me to deal with my feelings, which is sorely needed. I need to love myself enough to reach out for help. I need to tell myself Iím worthy of help, that reaching out doesnít make me weak or helpless or stupid or vulnerable. Reaching out means Iím smart, Iím worth the help, and Iím less vulnerable than previously. Iíve had palpitations and sweat flushes and my hands shook, but Iíve donít it. I called and found accurate phone numbers and have a phone number to a local 24 hour hotline for when I feel most ..I donít know..threatened..out of control..needing a voice on the other end of the phone.

Anyway- the point of all of this is, I started sleeping apart on Saturday the 13th. Our youngest son is away for the week and Iíve been sleeping in his room. I plan to stop by Ikea and price futon mattresses for the livingroom when DS returns home. Iíve managed to do this before, but Iíve always caved in and gone back to our room after 3-4 weeks. Iím determined to this permanently this time. The event that got me going with this is that SAWH has been attempting to have sex with me after I take nightly sleeping pills. One night at the end of last month I remember his hands touching me sexually and I remember telling him "NO I don't want to." When I asked him the next morning he said "I tried to shake you awake." I replied I remember you doing X and Y and Z. Not just shaking me awake. I didn't touch you sexually." He denied he did this until the 13th, when he said- "you hit me!" Yeah a##h0le- I did, you were assaulting me. This is against the law, which I didnít know until two weeks ago. SO- I attempt to discuss this with SAWH. He tells me in response that my sex drive isnít high enough and heís sexually dissatisfied. Yes, he really said this. Several times. In response to my telling him what I just told you. We were in a restaurant. I started crying in the middle of my meal. I took 2 xanax. I slept all the way home and donít speak to him except for kids and finances.

This time Iím finally in a place to hear what others have been saying to me for months. Itís crystal clear now. I canít fudge my way around this one. I am an abused wife. My *husband* sexually abuses me. It isnít my fault. I carry no shame. I donít need to feel embarrassed.

Wish me well shopping at Ikea. Thanks for reading all of this.

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 12:30 PM, August 17th (Wednesday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
DrivingPast
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Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sonshine. Hugs to you too. I just still feel a mess. Got a book for partners of SA and going to look trhough it today.

Sabina... Good for you!
I read through your story on your profile. Looks like he is not taking responsibility and that is not a healthy situation for you. I KNOW how hard it is walking out, even moving out of the bedroom. I know the heart palpatations very well. Every step you take is a one step closer to the peace you need. Im proud of you for making those calls! Hope you get a nice comfy futon today :)

It took me a loooong time to leave him and now Im back, ashamedly.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

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