Hope you are staying strong and making progress. My heart goes out to you. I am just at the beginning of the recovery road with my SAWH and my biggest fear is investing more time in the relationship to have it all fall apart again down the road. Like you my WH is a loving good man most of the time who I enjoy being with and I don't want to divorce.
I am so sorry for your dilemna. Addiction is just such a da**ing situation. My XWS is "poly"-addicted, and I am fortunate enough to have 23 years of sobriety in AA under my belt. Recovery is possible. Unfortunately, XWS is still in active addiction. It is unbearably painful to watch.
Please do not take this as a 2*4, but may I gently remind you that cheaters/addicts lie. We need to believe nothing that comes out of their mouths. The only things you can trust are their actions, and even then, only the ones you can verify.
Please write what she says in one column and what she does in the other. The first can be labeled fantasy, and the latter reality.
To backtrack on that, my XWS, at times, did say he wanted his family back. I cannot label that as an out and out lie. It is just that he was utterly incapable of doing what was necessary to make that happen. I think some of the things they say that are contrary to their actions may be true for them...in the moment.
Please let me be clear, I am not saying this is what your WW is doing. I just wanted to share my experience in hopes it helps in some way.
As devastating as it is, I cannot live on moments of truth, especially when they are not followed by action.
I truly wish the best for both of you, and hope she is able to find her way before you find your way away from her.
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
....yeah probably not the best thing to say. She welled up.
Then maybe it was exactly the best thing to say. Addicts need black and white questions.
To this day, I have a hard time with the grey.
So with all this in mind I asked her if her desire to move to the duplex was someone who was in recovery and wanting to work it or an addict that doesn't want to face me because it makes her feel bad and just wants the freedom....yeah probably not the best thing to say. She welled up.
Excellent question to ask. Now watch what she does with it, not what she says. Heaven knows it's painful. Seperation into the basement may be best in terms of helping you start to get your head straight.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Unfortunately, this is your wife's decision. Maybe you could share with her your concern about what she could do with that kind of freedom and ask that she seriously discuss the basement option with her sponsor, her therapist and her 12 step group.
I said that I was pretty fed up waiting for him to get serious.... that I now saw 2 ways to get out of this stuck place that I'm in... either he gets well and we go on to our happy life or that he keeps acting out and I leave him and go on to a happy life. Either way, I'm going to have a happy life... it was him to decide what he wanted.
He tried to blame shift. He tried the "she is unsupportive and judgemental." PLLLLEEEEEAAASSSSEEEE! I have put up with his shananagons for 10 years!!! Interestingly, he was not able to recall a single incident when I was unsupportive or judgemental. NOT ONE.
So yesterday after I got home from work we talked a little more. This time he was more forth coming. Discussed his feelings and how scared he was. I explained that being able to not work while he is in early recovery is a luxury and an opportunity to put his all into it. And if he was working the program 100% I wouldn't even mind if he didn't look for a job for a while. But he is squandering the opportunity and i'm resentful. So maybe that does make me judgemental..... I guess I'm just tired of being the only adult in our family.
On a brighter note, my H is leading a meeting tonight and at dinner he shared that he was not feeling prepared. My son said, "Well, Dad, is there anything I can do to help you?" And my daughter said he could practice what he was going to say while he was driving to the meeting. I'm really proud of my kids. Maybe because that all have learning disabilities (and my daughter has CP also) they seem to accept that Dad has a disability (sickness, disease or whatever) too. They are very supportive and yet understand that it is up to him to make his life work. We've gotten to the point that we discuss recovery like we discuss the weather. It's much better than when we were hiding it. My son also said that they knew much more than we thought they did. He said that once they learned to read it was pretty easy to read "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous"..... Damn that school for teaching them to read
hereIam... my experience is that when my SAH moved out, he went on the binge to end all binges. Most of his really, really bad acting out happened during that time. He came to understand that he needs the accountability, structure and love that his family gives him.
My story is very similiar, sort of. Unfortunately, my SA XWS has not chosen to return to the fold of his family. His life is a disaster.
Don't give these folks rope unless you are ready for the very real possibility they will hang themselves.
Something that just jumps out at me in your lists of pros and cons, is a lack of pros and cons for YOU.
You mention her acting out, her emotional space, her "vision, but nothing of how does this help ME become healthy or not?
Maybe you can go back and reframe your list only from a POV for your healing and see how these change.
I had no idea he had unprotected sex and he never would have told me. I don't want to be sick or die from something he contracted from someone else.
I have gotten to the point where I can let go of checking in and monitoring him. I still get triggery, but that's for me to work through and I am. It's the moments of "Oh my God, this man could expose me to something and in his attempt to protect himself never tell me and I could get sick and die." Then I bounce back to checking. I can't tell when he's lying any more.
Does that resonate with anyone else?
KickedinGut: I can relate to you. I told SAWH recently and reminded him that we are clean. Me and the kids. I don't want him kissing them because he may have something that he is giving them and me. Ya know what he started doing? Trying to kiss me. I guess to show me that he is no longer with OW.
We are in limbo right now as I am seeing my life raising 3 kids as a single parent. On the good side, he is very much changed. Probably due to weekly IC. He still does all kinds of things for me. I think its guilt but I still have him do stuff for me.
Let us all remember that we need to do whats best for us and for OUR lives. Peace to all.
OK I'm not really happy that she us so troubled but she seems to not have hit bottom and realize the consequences of all this yet. The counselor conveyed just that and told her and so did her dad, my dad, my sister, my friends, etc.......Scary that it seems she will act out again (or how many times) before coming up above water but what else could one expect? That being said I am getting closer to my limit and she is flirting (OMG that is a bad choice of words) with major consequences if she doesn't get on the right side of recovery pretty soon. I really feel as though I'm in the last 6 months of a 5 year race and slowly but surely getting the urge to move on.
Of course I do want to keep my family together and raise these kids in the best situation - a healthy mom is always a plus - so I must give it this last round. I'm really feeling like if she gets - or can be - honest with herself that she will go to the basement. If she goes on a sexual binge or bender I'm not sure I can go on with this. Should I tell her this or just let it play out? As you can tell I'm getting much closer to being on the fence with this woman.
Thank you again for your support.
Hi again. Are you having success with Net Nanny? My WH has been all for installing software to prevent access to porn sites. We even had someone from a local computer company come in to try and set up parental controls but then we found we couldn't access lots of harmless sites also. We currently have a trial version of net nanny but although it blocks access to blatant porn sites it was still allowing access to other sites that he had used to fuel his addiction. For some reason it wouldnt let us add sites to the 'always block' list. I guess we are going to try calling their tech support line to see if they can help.
Thanks for the other advice you gave me in the PM. It helps to know how others handle these situations.
So that first night, I put fresh sheets on it. And some close friends bought me brand new sheets the following day. I told my FWH that the bed was MY bed and that I might allow him to sleep in it.
Having new, fresh sheets made me feel a bit renewed about the bed. It may help you as well. It might seem simple or silly, but honestly, it helped me cleanse the bed a bit of OW.
And just making the statement to FWH that the bed was MINE helped keep things very clear as to some of my boundaries, ya know? I would say you could just tell your DH that you want your bed back and lay it all out on the line as to what you expect that to mean. You have the power to say no too as far as whether he gets to stay there and whether he's allowed to be intimate with you.
Those are just my thoughts. Hope that helped a bit.