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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,

I'm so glad your cousin will be well again!

Allgood, sorry we all left you hanging, but I'm proud of us! All out getting busy and living life for that long? Way to go us!

Sister Milkshake --

I have no idea what is going on with me either. I'm all over the place. My new IC said I'm giving her emotional whiplash. I'm working on it though.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm glad that they were able to dissolve your cousin's clot and she has a second chance. You are right, we only have this one chance.

Allgood: What do we do all day? WH is usually sitting at his computer doing nothing. No, he's not on dating sites. Just reading his newspaper online or whatever. I keep busy doing what I usually do. We are polite and civil.

Just when I think I detach, something else happens that hurts.

Hugs to everyone. I have to run. See ya later.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm glad your cousin is going to be ok. That's scary.

Honest: Hang in there. I really don't know how you go through that. If I had to be around my H when my kids weren't around, well, I wouldn't be able to do it.

M3: Yes, I know - it's good when no one's here. I was just pouting cuz I had nothing better to do apparently.

O, btw, today is OW's bday. On April Fool's Day - how fitting.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:32 AM, April 1st (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an induction for Sunshine and it was originally scheduled for April Fool's Day. They left a message at 6:30 a.m. that it was canceled and I called the hospital back just to make sure it was them and not my goofy friends!

We were going to send everyone pictures of a baby of a different race after the birth...now that doesn't really tickle my funny bone anymore.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took tryn's test. Acording to them, I am "remarkably average, neither holy or unholy." I do not know what to make of that! It will give me something to ponder this weekend.

I am not a lesbian either. I will admit to having some dreams/fantasy about that subject.

m3.

Emotional whiplash. I like that description. That really sums up what my W gives me sometimes. I can't believe I never thought of calling it that.

miracle.

Your cousin dodged a bullet there. I have had a few very close relatives just drop dead when they were in their early 50s. No 2nd chance. Life was over in a instant.

Allgood.

My birthday wish for the OW. I hope she steps in a big pile of fresh dogshit, fails to notice and tracks it into her living quarters.

Honest.

Stay strong.

Hugs to the tribe and happy April fools day from the old fool.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my news was April Fool's.

WH decided to be honest today. It seems that he was NEVER faithful to me our entire relationship, even when we were dating. He was still seeing what I thought was he "old" girlfriend while he was dating me. He said that maybe he was faithful for 6 months the whole time we have been together.

WH said that there was something wrong with him. That he cannot be faithful to anyone. He always wants to be with someone else, never just one person.

At first, while he was talking, he said he didn't want to say anything because I would be hurt more, but I told him it would help me heal more, it actually would make me feel better hearing the truth than that the OW was better than me, etc.

WH told me he really doesn't like OW, that she's terrible, etc. It wasn't HER. I told him that it felt like that he was faithful to her and not me, and he finally admitted that he was not. That he "married" and "divorced" other women too. Relationships that would last a few months, etc.

He kept repeating, it wasn't me, it's him. There is something wrong with him.

He told me that I was his "real" wife and I was the only one he ever loved and that is why he hid this all these years.

He also admitted that he is even thinking of marrying someone else now. He might divorce OW and marry another or just marry this third one.

In the middle of all this, WH says if he divorces OW, would I consider allowing all 3 OC's to come here and live with us! I said, if he was completely commiting to me, changing himself, etc, etc, and we were working together toward a future I might even give it a thought, but to present that to me and then not to be able to commit to me? Want me to raise someone else's children and then go and marry someone else????!!!

WH said that he doesn't want to give me up, but he wants to be free to see other women. I told him that I cannot do that. He said he understood, but he can't be happy with just one person, and it doesn't matter who that is, it isn't me.

I told him that he will never be happy if he doesn't fix himself, and I didn't mean with me. He admits that he probably won't be happy. He said he loves me, and never did, love anyone else, BUT not enough to have restrictions on him. (he mentioned something about his religion here) He doesn't want to hurt me anymore or lie to me. He said that he realizes that I was living on hope and hoping that if he gave up OW, it would just be us, but that wouldn't be the case. He would always be looking and flirting and dating, etc.

He did say that he has told everyone, OW, his family, etc, that I'm his partner in everything. (meaning finances, etc)

This is a lot to digest.

We didn't yell at one another. I actually thanked him for being honest.

I feel amazingly calm.

This is why I was never really happy in our full relationship. I NEVER FELT secure. At least my xWH did make me feel secure for most of our relationship, even though he was an alcoholic. If that makes any sense.

I guess I feel calm too because I know all my feelings were not crazy. I was right to feel the way I was feeling all along.

And in a strange way, I've been freed. All I've been singing in my head was the Supreme's song "You Keep Me Hanging On". (or whatever the name of the song is)
"Why don't you be a man about it/ and set me free?/You don't really love me/ You keep me hanging on."

I'm just looking at him and wondering who this man is.

I do believe him when he says he loves me, though. The weird thing is that at least I don't feel that OW was better than me, and it's WH.

It's like my oldest DS told me, "It's not you, you just made 2 bad choices in husbands"

I'll probably cry later.

A lot to digest.

Thank you all so very much.

I love you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

That is so much for you to digest. I do not have time to comment or say much. I'm sure others will have much to say. I will be thinking about you and am sending many hugs. Just keep repeating, IT IS NOT YOU!

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((honest)))))

I'm so sorry. I can't think what to say. What he has told you is so devastating. On dday we all had our worlds rocked but this is beyond anything.

I guess I feel calm too because I know all my feelings were not crazy. I was right to feel the way I was feeling all along.

Yes you were. Stay calm. You don't want to give him any excuses to abandon you and the kids. Be nice and practical. Talk about the "arrangements" for the children. I think he still wants your approval - men like him always do so USE this to get what you need.

I do believe him when he says he loves me, though.

No honey - there is only one person in the world he loves - him.

The weird thing is that at least I don't feel that OW was better than me

Ditto and she never was.

But now you are free honey. Like all of us you kept hoping but now that really is gone isn't it?

Have you tried discussing finances with him? Maybe now is the time to try to get some money in the bank. Maybe you could use a little blackmail - you can keep coming to see the kids if you give me $50k at the beginning of each year. Anything to get some $$$$$ in the bank just for you and your family. If you renege later = well that's his problem.

You need to get "down and dirty".

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - What a lot to think about! And I'm so impressed that you were able to stay calm and really listen to what WH was saying to you. Your ability to not fly into a rage is probably what made it so that he could finally tell you the truth.

I guess I feel calm too because I know all my feelings were not crazy. I was right to feel the way I was feeling all along.
I think you are exactly right. You were not and are not crazy. You saw WH for what he was long ago. Perhaps a part of you just needed confirmation before you could trust your own instincts.

Honey, I'm so sorry that you are hurting but I hope and pray that you continue to feel that you have been set free. It seems that WH is at least for now willing to take on the responsibility for the problems in your M. You have been a loyal, loving and compassionate wife. You truly gave so much more than you got.


(((Honest)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH said that he doesn't want to give me up, but he wants to be free to see other women

Yes, yes of course he does. Tell him you don't want to give up his money but you want to be free to be with other men.

Ok, but seriously. I think this is mostly great.

I think you had told us you knew he had cheated on you before the marriage, I guess the big shocker in terms of actual events is that it happened througout your marriage. That sucks. No 2 ways about that. But, I'm so happy you are finally shaking OW off her pedastal. I'm so happy you see it's not you, it's him. I'm so happy he admitted this to you so you could really believe it.

NOW DON'T YOU EVEN CONSIDER FOR A MILLI- MOTHER-FN SECOND GIVING HIM A SECOND CHANCE. Not next month, next year or next decade. Not after he reads every book, cries every day for a year, goes to Retro, etc.

Not worth it.

So, Honest, I'm happy for you and I hope this gives you some peace.

When the dust settles over the next few days, this seems like the right time to say that your differences are too great & you need to separate and get down to the logistics of it.

I will be thinking of you.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another update.

I went out shopping and when I come home, WH wants to know if we can make love! I tell him I'm too upset and have a lot to digest.

Then he says, while we were at it, how about a DNA test? I said What? He says a DNA test for them and he indicates with his head with his chin going up (like away from him)

With everything, I lost it I yelled at him how dare he? He looked surprised and and then I said for who? DS 12 and 16? He says No, for the other kids over seas. (He said he had done this already for the older two OC's)

Then he gets that deathly calm mad and says "I divorce you Honest"

I said, Good.


I am not talking to you ever again, You are not my wife.

WH goes into the other room and then says that we weren't going to sleep together and he was going to leave in a few days and doesn't want to know me or ever talk to me again. I said who is going to sleep where? He said he was going to sleep in the bed and started getting angry that I even asked about that. He says, "F**K you, honest. Get out of here."

I was so careful. I kept everything in for soooo long. Now, I know this NPD, and he might cut us off financially.

Now, I'm going to pay for it. I told him that I lost it after everything that was said today and then I thought he wanted to do DNA tests on our DS's. I said it was temporary insanity and he says it's permanent insanity.

I'm not allowed to be human.

I'm not really upset about him saying we're divorced (I know it's not a legal divorce, but it means the same to him anyway). It's been a long time coming, it's just the money settlement.

Edited for TMI.

You can PM me if you want the full story.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 6:14 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't panic.....he can't do anything right this minute and he may wake up tomorrow and decide that he really wants to be married to you! Just keep your head about you and don't leave the house. You need to talk to an attorney ASAP! I don't know enough to give you accurate advice....but there are those of us who can steer you better. Honest....hang in there. You are going to be okay....just stay calm and don't let him goad you into doing something you will regret. (Slapping him does NOT come under that category! He deserves so much worse than that!)

Hugs!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honest))) still here for you hon....keep reading all these posts from everyone here....you are a good woman, you have amazing strength and grace and are waaaayyy to nice for the fucktard....read what everyone keeps posting to you and more then that BELIEVE IT.....


milkshake: i am impressed....another post addressing many... keep it up and you'll become one of us addicted lta peeps..


and dip, glad to hear that you are not a lesbian....neither am i....and i sometimes really wish i were...it would be so much easier i think...but i like penis's way too much...


long day in the miracle household today...didn't like my teens today, they were too teenish!!!


(((tribe)))

oh, its also my dogs birthday today, she is 10 years old and just as stupid today as she was when we brought her home...she is cute though...her cuteness has saved her life on way more then one occasion, just tonite too...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Honest))))

Tribe

Collage is done.

Have posted on Page 1 in case it is too big and stuffs up this page.

I have a bigger version. If anyone wants it pm me.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura!!! I LOVE the collage! but my favorite part is the alligator trying to eat the duck! And I love my dog! You did a great job and I feel so lucky to have found this group. I don't know what I'd do without the advice and support from the LTA Tribe. Love to all!!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i too love the collage and i too love the alligator trying to eat the duck....looking forward to seeing it everytime i open this up....i will have to figure out how to make a copy, i think i want to frame it too...

thank you laura...it really is so awesome....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies

I'm glad you like it. i had lots of fun doing it.

miracle

If you want to print it pm me and I will send you a link to a bigger (better) version for printing.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: wonderful job on the collage & great idea putting it on page 1 so we can find it easily. Thanks again!

Honest:
Man, when it rains it pours, huh?
I know the things he said to yesterday are hard to hear. Even though I firmly believe it's for the best - that he is shoving you to divorce, taking the choice away from you, this way you have no choice but to proceed forward and defend yourself. Stop stressing about the money. Stopping the money flow into your house hurts your kids more than it hurts you. If you can muster the strength you should try to get him to discuss things with the kids - have you both tell them you are going to be divorcing. Part of that conversation should be how this will impact them. That should give you an idea where his thinking is on the topic.
I seriously do not believe he is going to cut off all financial support. I rarely see that when kids are involved - not enough money is one thing, no money is quite another. And, even with the latter, it's usually the product of the H setting up a separate household for himself, which is not the case here. He's been financing 2 or 3 households all along, so there's no reason to change his kids' standard of living.
The slap - unfortunate, out of character, the product of years and years to holding too much in. Forgive yourself for it. I would've thought the same thing about the DNA test - as far as thinking he meant your kids.

Honest, you must see an attorney on Monday. Seriously. You cannot put yourself in a situation where you are trying to catch up to him. You need to have someone familiar with your case, who can file something with court asap if a written agreement cannot be reached with your H. Remember, the courts do not react quickly, so don't put yourself in the situation of having less money coming in or assets disappearing for a few months and then going in for help because if he fights you on it, it will take at least a few months to get relief.

I knew that (*&^ would expect you to move out of the bedroom.

Now, another thing, don't issue any kind of threats about how things will be in the future. Example: don't get into the fact that he will no longer be staying with you when he comes to visit the boys. Don't get into the fact that the boys are not going over there to visit, etc.
I was hoping you guys could talk civilly about splitting, but I can see that recent events are going to make that impossible.
Put your game face on, appeal to his affection for his children and have him involved in telling the kids what's going on.

Please stay in touch so we know you are ok.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

Itís ok to slap him. We all need slaps sometime. He needed it. It was more powerful that it came from you.

I think it is good he told you who he is. Your H is a man who chooses to be a man that cheats. Yep, he wants to be this man. Everyone has it within themselves to make a conscience choice not to cheat while making a promise to another.

He is just not a healthy man. To think you would give him love knowing he has intentions of F'ing other woman later. It is absolutely absurd.

It is up to us to be wise. Your wisdom shows in your post to us.

he might cut us off financially

Then you will survive it.

DNA test

Tell him, Bring it on. Just tell me when and where.

Honest, Life can be hard. This is the time to not be afraid to ask for help. You have two strong loving boys. I would do anything to help my mother. You have people here that love you by giving you time. We take the time to send you messages and we want you to feel good again.
Allgood has given you advice that I too agree. People may run and be silent, but you give them a letter, they will read it. It cannot be resisted.


Dear Mr honest,

I am truly sorry I am no longer you wife. It has taken me a long time to get over the hurt from you breaking our vows and making the choice to love other woman. I thank you for finally admitting you are the problem. That is very meaningful to me.


I will look back at our marriage and try to only remember all the goodness. Our son is something good, special and exceptional. I now make the decision to forgive you. I do expect us to be in each otherís lives forever because of our special bond, our son.

I thank you for understanding that I cannot love a man who shares his love with other woman.

You will always hold a special place in my heart

Ms. Honest

Everything comes to an end. Take that leap of faith.

Songs mean so much to me these days. Honest, it is time for you to know who you are...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQzw_Ax8Cw


listen to this song... You need that other flag... make that you!

Been into Aaron Lewis lately...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:12 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura!

Your collage made me sit a look at it for about 5 minutes. Yep, a smile on my face all the while. And of course, when you see a hot woman running with a Colts hat on a beach, you must dig deep in your mind with all it takes and say, Oh, what a beautiful creature God has made. Tiki Hut paradise is what you could call that place. Dip, ready to have a plate ready for us, Ast giving us a cruise. The beauty of all those creatures to take in. I love it.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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