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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-
Good news about your cousin and your DS.

Honest-
I am speechless.
About the whole thing.
He said "I divorce you". Isn't that all it takes in his religion? For him to make that statement out loud?

I guess that's what he meant about divorcing other wives over the years.
Who knows ...he may even have more OC over there.

Now...one line jumped out at me...he asked you the most insensitive , insane question-if he divorced OW#???(who knows what # she really is) would you let his OC live with you?

That is just bat shit crazy.

But...for me...it's also very scary-because he is saying that he is thinking about taking this woman's children away from her, moving them across the world so that they never see her, and moving them in with another woman!

Do you see the implications for your own sons?

If he thinks this way about the OC then he could easily think the same way for your boys.
In fact, in his convoluted thinking-he could be thinking that life in the US is too liberal, not strictly religious enough and so his boys need to back to the old country.

Please listen to all the great advice that you got here. Especially to what Allgood has stated.
You must get yourself to an attorney first thing on Monday morning.

What do you think Allgood? a divorce attorney? or maybe an office that has a variety of attorneys-including people familiar with immigration issues?

Today- you should stay far away from the rat. Don't engage him in any way.
Don't give away any information.
He said he divorces you. And in middle eastern custom that means you are divorced so you're just quietly following through with what he started.

You need to quietly get together as many financial papers as possible.
Anything you can get your hands on.
How did he pay the mortgage ? taxes? etc? by check? do you have cancelled checks to prove that?
try to find the records that show that he has been paying all of those bills. Also try to bring your bank statements.

Anything else she needs to bring with her to the first meeting?
Expect to pay a fee... so find out in advance how much it will be- but, don't let that scare you.

This is an emergency-you need to protect yourself and your sons.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:21 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesttoafault,

In a way, it is good he told you all of these things. Now, there is no more false hope. He has a problem, and he will not do anything to work on it. It is not you, it never was. There is nothing rational or correct that you can do to make things better or to make things worse, it is an emotional/behavioral fault within your WS.

I do not know what your legal options are. In the past you have written about this and it sounds grim. The reality is that you are on your own, and staying in any contact with your WS is likely to be more bad than good.

I hope that you can find the resources that you need to help you through the coming transition.

(honest)

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, thanks for the boat in the picture. I love the beach setting.

Last night the cutter returned.

--Ats

eta: I am spending the day doing laundry, cleaning, weeding, all the little things to restore some order in my life. FWW is sleeping.

Just deleted a pity me rant, I need to get my shit back together. I need to quit making excuses for her. Just because she is trying does not mean she is acomplishing.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:25 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I can't reply individually, I can't think straight right now.

I had plans today, but I cancelled them. I don't know what he'll do. I don't know if he'll lock me out.

I did say to him this morning that I was sorry (edited for TMI) that it was way out of character for me. He said I won't see him in the future. I said not to take it out on the boys because he's mad at me and he said he wouldn't.

He said it's done and there's nothing he can do about it. That it was for the best. We can't live together anymore. Maybe it's the way God wanted it. I told him I know, I wasn't trying to change his mind about that, but I was still apologizing for something that is not me and that I lost it with everything he told me yesterday. He said, if that's what you want, I forgive you for that.

I know, I know, it may sound crazy, but this is to protect me and the boys. I was trying to be so smart and patient and I blew it.

NJgal, WH admitted that he had OW sign a paper that if they divorce, he'll have custody of the kids. He said, do you think I'm stupid? (this was before the big incident)

I was thinking the same thing with the boys, I don't know what is in his crazy head.

Also, him talking about having another DNA test for all the OC's (he said he tested the girls already over there) shows me he's trying to get out of taking care of them. He did tell me he loves them, but this is convoluted thinking.

I know I'm rambling. What I was afraid of all along has happened and I don't know what will happen now.

I wish we could sit down like civil logical people and work out the logistics. I don't know if that can happen.

And the things he told me before this, is still rambling on in my heart and head.

I know this is for the best, and yes NJgal, all he has to do is say "I divorce you". In HIS mind we ARE divorced and he will act accordingly, whether or not it's legal in this country or not.

Please pray for me to keep strong and for once WH will act logically with discussing finances. In the meantime, I will prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 6:18 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest: He cannot legally lock you out of your house. Do not hesitate to call the police if he does that. They will require that he let you back in and they should arrest him. Be smart. Until he goes, make sure you have proof of your residency on you if you leave the house along with the boys important documents like birth certificates passports etc. In fact, as to the latter, I suggest you get over to a bank and deposit them in a safe deposit box asap.

Please do not hesitate to call/text me if the shit hits the fan. I would like nothing better to be personally involved in bringing some kind of retribution to your husband.
Arrgggh.. Im so pissed for you right now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I am in shock about your sitch. I am so sorry. I am at a loss as how to move forward, but what njgal and allgood
said is really good advice.

I understand why you apologized for slapping him, but he really deserves so much worse than a slap. Don't beat yourself up about it, please, it is done. And perfectly understandable under the circumstances. (((honest)))

ETA: to finish my post, hit submit prematurely.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:20 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy smokes, shit has really hit the fan while I was traveling back from my vaca.

Honest, love, I am thinking of and praying for you. Stay calm. Focus on seeing a lawyer on Monday. I think you're right; Mr. Dishonest is not going to give you a civil divorce. He's going to try to weasel out of everything because he thinks he deserves no consequences for his actions. But. You must not let fear dictate your actions. Finding out the facts will make you stronger.

Speaking of whom, hello, strongish! You've found your peace and being kind to others is a part of your nature. All of what you wrote follows the truth of your heart. I don't think a 2x4 is at all necessary.

ats,
Whatever is going on, I'm sorry. FWW is cutting again? She has had a lot of breakthroughs in her IC lately, yes? Is that what this is about?

Mr. Nell spent a lot of time with "I miss you" stuff. Nice to hear. I left little gifts hidden every day for WH and the Boyos. I came home to two cards and flowers. It was nice. I really miss my family and friends back home; I felt very peaceful there and my thoughts were far away from WH/A stuff. And everyone there misses me (or at least they say they do ) and all of them asked when we are moving closer. I would like to; I've told WH that repeatedly over the years. But he doesn't want to, so we stay here. I make the best of it but if I weren't tied to WH through the Boyos, I would pack up and leave tomorrow.

Allgood,
I'm glad you're on our side. If I were OW (yuck, even the thought of that gives me the heebie-jeebies) I would install a camera on my ass so I could watch my back.

tryn,
I love that you went and found a test to see if the craziness had a grain of truth to it. Totally something I would do. And of COURSE it wasn't true!

Laura,
LOVE LOVE LOVE the collage!

Okay, I've got to get ready to go to work in a bit. Yay me. Talk atcha later.

I've missed you all!

XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - love, love, love the collage. I so wish I was there. Special thanks for the Tiki hut. It is all beautiful!

I am so sick of snow. And they say there is snow coming tomorrow. AAGGGHHHHH!!!!!! C'mon it is April and Spring already.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because she is trying does not mean she is acomplishing.
THANK YOU!! I'm so sick and tired of hearing...."I'm trying." Like that is some get-out-of-jail-free card. All FWH has to do is say ILY and I'm trying and so I should forgive and forget??

Honest - Hide the passports!! NOW!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Passports and birth certificates were hidden on Dday, besides, one of them is expired.

Thank you Allgood for your advice.

Fighting anxiety attacks right now. Be back later.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
Keeping you in my prayers.
Sent you a pm.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest))) Thinking of you....hang in there.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((honest))))

When is he due to leave?

We are here for you.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i came on here because of fustration with pfm, i wanted to purge, actually i just wanted to do the virtual scream, then i read all that was posted to honest...and i don't want to scream anymore....i get suckered in just like you do honest...not into false hope but into battles that are useless....it means nothing...my mantra...it means nothing....it what it is and it will be what i make it to be as it will for you dear heart...

i understand why you apologized, i don't think he deserves it, just so you know, but i get the premise that you must keep nice...especially for your boys....and it is so hard, you have so much more patience then i do thats for sure...i lose it with pfm on a regular basis, as much as i try not to....i need to do more then try, i need to do....


nell: welcome home...wow, you left little gifts for your wh too....i am impressed...

i am happy that you were able to rejuvenate in your hometown....you sound very at peace, i pray it stays that way


ats: very gentley here, she is accomplishing, she is just not doing it at a pace that gives you peace....and you know the score with her too, she will be one step forward and a few baby steps backward...but her baby steps backward are not back to square one....granted she still has a long long ways to go, but this is something you have known....doesn't make it any easier i know...it sucks...but ultimately i believe this is your path, more importantly i think you believe that...


strong: do you really believe he is trying or is he just pacifying....


(((tribe)))

i must say coming here always brings me some sort of solace, bless you all..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i must say coming here always brings me some sort of solace, bless you all..
I feel the same way. When I feel like I just don't have anywhere else to turn, or even when I do have somewhere else to talk to or turn to, no one understands like you folks. You all comfort me when I'm sad and celebrate with me when I'm feeling strong. I like how so many of us are worried about Honest and Allgood, cheering for Laura, sad for DP, discouraged for ats, welcoming to the newbies, humbled by nj and tryn....and supportive for and of all who come to this little corner of SI.

Miracle, you are often the first one there to reach out and I can only speak for myself, but it makes me feel better to know that in some small way I can repay some of the peace you bring to me in my darkest times.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, you are often the first one there to reach out and I can only speak for myself, but it makes me feel better to know that in some small way I can repay some of the peace you bring to me in my darkest times.

I agree 1000% Strongish.

I can't thank you all enough for rallying behind me. I really don't have anyone IRL to talk to.

I'm still shaking with anxiety. From his declaration of divorce, even though that was where we were headed, but I was so hoping we could take it calmly and civilly. Now WH is doing the 180 on me. He's barely speaking, only very politely and civilly answering when spoken to (I'm trying NOT to). WH says he will NOT talk to me.

I'm getting punished for what he did and what he told me.

And then there is all that new info to digest.

Thank you everyone.

Miracle, please purge here, we love you.

ats, I'm sorry your WW is cutting again.

Thank you, Tryn for your letter. I may use it, although WH will not understand why I am saying I might forgive him!! He's such a NPD.

I think I might take a xanax. I still have 5 of the 10 pills that were prescribed almost 2 years ago.

God bless you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

short on time, doing a family movie shortly....

honest: his doing the 180 is truly a gift, it is SOOO much better this way, he is emotionally charged, whether or not he deserves to be is so not the issue, because you know how i feel about that one...balls the size of the rock of gibralter....anyways....you still need his money, so let him back off, enjoy the respite from his push pull and dont trust it, not for one fucking minute, because of the size of his balls i would not be surprised if he still wants sex at some point in time this visit...so let him 180 and be grateful for it, and detach detach detach....and i know only too well just how hard that is, but it really is much easier if there is distance which he is giving you....

and thanks guys for the support, i know i could purge here, but its funny, once i got here and was planning on doing just that i read, i read the new posts to you honest...and saw your sich again and felt somewhat better, my fustrations are just that...fustrations...they are not life altering, not huge and i got perspective and that wonderful sense of calm i get when i come here....


you know how to reach me honest if you need me...seriously watch your back, kkk


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Miracle. Don't give me 2 x 4's because this was a calculated move. I got him a card, apologized, explained why and then asked to be judged for how I've been for 23 years and that we should still be kind, patient and cooperative with one another since I know we don't want to hurt each other.

This was to get WH in a more cooperative mood before he leaves, so we could possibly talk. If it doesn't work, so be it.

I'm shaking a little less now.

Thank you all.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take a Xanax! You will need one to get to sleep tonight.
Anxiety and stress will make you sick.
Take care.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice work honest. Good for you.

I like that you did this. Throughout their affairs our WSs were dishonest, cunning and manipulative. We were honest, naive and cooperative. that's why we were such easy targets. We trusted.

Your WH will most likely believe that you can still be trusted and he also believes that he can manipulate and mislead you. Let him think that but while he does do whatever it takes to get what you and your family need. If it takes lies, cunning and deceit - so be it. You need to use all of your ingenuity to con him into thinking that he can support you financially when you divorce and you will still be amenable to his wishes.

He has a massive ego - use it.

Talk about how you know he is a man of principal and that he will ensure you and the children are cared for properly. Talk about when you divorce and how he will organise your financial requirements. Con him into moving money to where you can access it easily.

If that doesn't work play on his ego. Does he care about how the kids think of him? Hint that if he doesn't look after you financially the kids may be upset with HIM. That if you can't look after them that they will blame HIM. That you would hate to think that the children thought less of him for "abandoning" them and leaving them to live in poverty. That you know how much they love him and that you'd be so sad for HIM if they didn't continue to be affectionate towards HIM.

Make it about HIM. That's what HIS life is about.!!!

So sorry honey. I just want to help you to get what you need.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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